Predicting the West

Wanye
April 14 2009 10:58AM

2girls_onecup

What do you say when there is nothing to say? Fortunately the answer isn't nothing. How fun would that be? No, instead we will overlook the fact that our favorite team has let us down – again – and that we will be faced with another playoffless playoffs – again. We will forget that we saw Robert Nilsson eating lunch yesterday and that it was the only time that he has performed to our expectations all year. No eating half of the meal and then lacking the intensity to finish. No screwing over his table mates by leaving them with the tab. Just sitting there, looking completely uninjured, not choking in the least and boringly eating his meal.

May you leave town as quietly as you left the restaurant, Sir.

“But Wanye what does all this mean?” We will tell you what it means, Nation.

Playoff Predictions

Now last year we entertained ourselves to no end making playoff predictions. And because it was basically Ender the Dragon, Bingofuel, Milli and yours truly we didn’t have a lot of people to lip off when they erred in their predictions. This year – it’s go time.

Today we predict the West. Tomorrow it will be the East. We heartily suggest you do the same so we can come back and shower you with praise when you are correct, or laugh heartily at your dim wittedness when you are wrong.

Sharks (1) v Ducks (8)

Ah, the Sharks and the Ducks. We will ignore for the moment what would occur if these two met in real life. We would take a Shark over pretty much every team name in the league, except perhaps the Las Vegas Harpoons. Yes, if Vegas ever gets a team and they happen to name this team the Harpoons we wouldn’t take the Sharks over the Harpoons in the first round for the very reason that it seems impossible for a Shark to beat a Harpoon in any sort of battle.

Isn’t this the kind of playoff analysis you have been missing in your life?

Sharks destroy Ducks. Harpoons remain idle.

Sharks in 6.

Wings (2) v Blue Jackets (7)

What do you get when you have been in the league for 48 years and you have finally made the playoffs? How about a date with the impossible to beat Detroit Red Wings? These here Wings be so confident in their domination they have their entire lineup signed for the next 11 years. It’s true! They have even gotten rid of the nameplates on the lockers in the room and have had player names and numbers engraved. Right into the wood! Ain’t that something?

Sorry Rick Nash. You can now replace “never been in the playoffs” with “made the playoffs once and got trounced by the Wings in the first round” on your NHL resume.

Wings in 6.

Canucks (3) v Blues (6)

If you had asked us “Wanye are the Blues going to make the playoffs?” we would have kicked you so hard straight in the balls that your kids would be born dizzy and back in time. Or something. Truth is we can’t help but be amazed that the Blues made it to the post-season. Missing most of their defensive corps, relying on all sorts of replacement players up front, not being that good to begin with. One would think that this would be a problem when looking to make the post-season. It’s almost as though a certain team lost 7 of 9 down the stretch and allowed some garbage team to sneak past them into the playoffs.

Ugh.

Canucks in 7

Hawks (4) v Flames (5)

Ah the Hawks and the Flames. Nevermind that Chicago won 3 of 4 in the seasonal series. Nevermind that the Flames gassed a 12-point lead to lose the NW division. Nevermind that we will personally dance the Lindy Hop on top of a flagpole when the Flames lose in the first round.

All we know is this:

Calgary so terrible.

Hawks in 6.

There you have it, Nation. Wanye’s Lock of the Year Playoff Pickery. You can basically print this sheet off, walk over to any Sports Select ticket dispensary and check off the betting amount labeled “the farm.” We stand behind this. We guarantee it.  Think we are wrong? Have some strange delusion that the Blue Jackets are going to the finals? Write it down, don't say it aloud.

Have you entered the draft yet? Don't you want a $1000 Gift Certificate to Hudsons? It basically pays for your summer Nation.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
Avatar
#1 Archaeologuy
April 14 2009, 11:14AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Where do I know that girl in the pic from?

Avatar
#2 Kung Pow
April 14 2009, 11:19AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Come on Wanye, way to step out on a limb and pick all the top seeds. You know there's got to be one upset.

Sharks in 6 Wings in 7 Blues in 7 Hawks in 5

Avatar
#3 Dan from Wainwright
April 14 2009, 11:21AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Sharks in 6. Jackets in 7. CanSucks in 6. Hawks in 7.

Avatar
#4 Mother Pucker Hockey
April 14 2009, 11:24AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

"Calgary so terrible."

Yeah, they've been ARSE lately!

Avatar
#5 Wanye Gretz
April 14 2009, 11:24AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@ Archaeologuy:

The girl on the right or the girl on the left?

@ Kung Pow:

You take your underdogs, I'll bet on who is going to win (regardless of seed) and I will loan you money from my gigantic stash of winnings after round 1.

Avatar
#6 Chaz
April 14 2009, 11:26AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Sharks in 6 Columbus in 7 (Not a typo) Vancouver in 7 (That pains me to type that BTW) Chicago in 6

I'm so sure about these, I'd bet Mac T's job on it...

Avatar
#7 Bob Cob
April 14 2009, 11:26AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Sharks in 5 Jackets in 6 Canucks in 7 Hawks in 6

Avatar
#8 greenlightning86
April 14 2009, 11:26AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Sharks 5 Blue Jackets 7 Canucks 6 Blackhawks 6

Avatar
#9 Archaeologuy
April 14 2009, 11:30AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@ Wanye Gretz: The right. The chick on the left has that old Italian lady moustache goin on. Gross.

Avatar
#10 The Towel Boy
April 14 2009, 11:32AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Sharks sweep.

BJ's upset in 6.

Canucks bow out to St Louis in 6.

Hawks in 5.

Avatar
#11 Greg MC
April 14 2009, 11:43AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Sharks in 6

Detroit in 7

Canucks in 7

Hawks in 7

Avatar
#12 sittingatmydesk
April 14 2009, 11:47AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Sharks in 6. wings in 5. Canucks in 6. flames in 7.

Read more: "Predicting the West - OilersNation.com" - http://www.oilersnation.com/2009/04/predicting-the-west/#ixzz0CfuByS75

Avatar
#13 socaldave
April 14 2009, 11:56AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Sharks in 7 Wings in 5 Blues in 6 'Hawks in 6

Avatar
#14 Harlie
April 14 2009, 12:01PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Get this...I am predicting the Cane's to win the whole thing this year. getting Cole back has been a huge boost to them, Ward is looking strong again, Maurice has added some stability behind the bench and Staal is tall and big with good hands. Plus these guys have been there and done that. Cane's in 6 versus the Sharks in the Finals!!

Avatar
#15 Wanye Gretz
April 14 2009, 12:05PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@ Harlie:

So help me Gods of Hockey if you are right Harlie you and I are going to have to throw down.

Cole has been a huge boost.... indeed

SEE NATION? SEE WHAT HAPPENS???

*weeps bitterly into tattered Cole Jersey*

*in background the "GO OILERS PLAYOFFS 2009" Banner falls off wall*

Avatar
#16 Poo Czar
April 14 2009, 12:08PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

(1) Willis vs (8) Bingofuel (2) Brownlee vs (7) Amber (3) Gretz vs (6) Lowetide (4) Gregor vs (5) JSBM

Willis in 4 (Bingofuel crushed by JW's brain) Brownlee in 6 (Rage trumps Ovaries) Gretz in 7 (Didn't Lowetide concede the regular season?) JSBM in 5 (Juvenile Filth over Bald & Knowledgable)

Avatar
#17 Harlie
April 14 2009, 12:09PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Wanye Gretz wrote:

@ Harlie: So help me Gods of Hockey if you are right Harlie you and I are going to have to throw down.

Hellz Yeah man! I'll be your Huckleberry!!

Avatar
#18 Colin-FMNF
April 14 2009, 12:34PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Lets see:

Sharks in 5. Wings in 7. Blues in 7. Hawks in 5.

Are we going to have one of these for subsequent rounds?

Avatar
#19 Colin-FMNF
April 14 2009, 12:35PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@ Colin-FMNF:

How about one for finalist picks in each conference?

Its hardly fair to pick after we've seen some games.

Avatar
#20 Chaz
April 14 2009, 12:35PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

So Wayne, do you need my address now to send me my prize or would you prefer to wait until it's official?

Avatar
#21 Jonathan Willis
April 14 2009, 12:40PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Sharks in 6 Red Wings in 7 Canucks in 6 Blackhawks in 5

If there's an upset, it's going to be Columbus over Detroit.

Avatar
#22 SquidRx
April 14 2009, 12:49PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Sharks in 5 Wings in 5 Canucks in 6 Flames in 7 *punches self in junk and hits post button*

Avatar
#23 kingsblade
April 14 2009, 12:52PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Ducks in 6 Wings in 7 Blues in 7 Flames in 5

Avatar
#24 I'm a Scientist!
April 14 2009, 12:58PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

*consults super computer*

After translating the binary code i have determined (with the help of my computer of course) that these will be the results.

Sharts in 7 (not a typo) Wings in 5 Vancouver in 6 Hawks in 5

Avatar
#25 Quinn
April 14 2009, 01:08PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Oh foolish masses,

Sharks 5 Wings 5 Blues 6 Hawks 4 (No Regehr = No good games from Flames. Bwahhahahhahaha)

Poo Czar wrote:

Brownlee in 6 (Rage trumps Ovaries)

I thought that rage and ovaries were the same thing.

Avatar
#26 cambosmash
April 14 2009, 01:17PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Sharks in 6 Red Wings in 6 Canucks in 5 Blackhawks in 5

82 game season is a pretty large sample size. No upsets in the West until round 2. And the only reason $1000 would cover my summer drinking at Hudson's is because they don't have patios. Those little flip up window things at the Whyte Ave Hudsons don't count. I just end up longingly staring at the Strat and drifting away to thoughts of $3 pints and carpet that you can get drunk off of by inhaling the fumes of 120 years of spilled alcohol.

Avatar
#27 RBK
April 14 2009, 01:37PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

cambosmash wrote:

And the only reason $1000 would cover my summer drinking at Hudson’s is because they don’t have patios

Hudson's downtown has an awesome patio.

Do I win anything for saying that Wanye?

Avatar
#28 OvenChicken8
April 14 2009, 01:38PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Ducks in 6 (Joe Thorton adds another dismal playoff showcase with 0g and 6a).

Wings in 4 if Osgood starts / Columbus in 4 if Conklin starts. (If Conklin starts he gets 2 hat-tricks... against himself).

Canucks in 5. Blues win the first game in O.T. and crash and burn afterwards.

Hawks in 7. Toews scores in game 7 OT to make Calgary relive the agony of losing another game 7.

Avatar
#29 The Doc
April 14 2009, 01:50PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Sharks in 7 Wings in 6 Canucks in 5 Hawks in 6

Avatar
#30 cambosmash
April 14 2009, 01:57PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@ RBK: Until downtown is "revitalized" with RX2 I'm not acknowledging that Edmonton even has a downtown.

Avatar
#31 olderthendirt
April 14 2009, 02:09PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

First round Canuks Hawks Sharks Jackets (Mason vs Osgood/Conklin, great long shot)

And I hate to say it Canuks from the West (at least it's not Calgary)

Avatar
#32 Chris
April 14 2009, 02:19PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Ducks beat the Sharks in 6: Big Joe with 2 assists in 6 games. Wings get a scare but prevail in 7. Canuks in 5. Flames/Blackhawks too close to call... History says they'll both suck...

Avatar
#33 Jack "FMNF" Bauer
April 14 2009, 02:24PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Whose the dude?

He looks familiar.

Avatar
#34 RossCreek
April 14 2009, 02:28PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Sharks in 6 Wings in 7 Canucks in 5 Flames in 7

Avatar
#35 Ender the Dragon
April 14 2009, 03:24PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Damn you, Wanye. I wanted you to screw up predicting at least one series so that i could prove I was at least as smart as you. (Wait, that's awful . . . I didn't want that as a measurement at all . . .)

But you picked the winners correctly, so I just had to pick all different number of games. After all, if you picked the winner of the series, you couldn't possibly hit the game number right too, could you?

Here is the real first round West breakdown:

In the Sun Bowl: Fish in five. No way Tall-Boy gets another sniff; I wouldn't allow that.

MoTown VS The Guys That Dress Like They're a Marching Band: Victory octapus for everyone in game seven. Mr. Nash will have to settle for close-but-no-cigar.

Orcas VS Random Musical Classification: No divine intervention in the post-season, even if your city's name has the word 'Saint' in it. (Plus, how fun would it be to see Killer Whales taking on Sharks in the Western Final? Ocean carnage straight out of the 'Trials of Life' series. :) ) 'Couver in 6.

Windy City VS Cowtown: As much as I would like to base the post-season collapse of the Shames on their general 'suckiness', the truth is that after the beatings the 'Hawks inflicted on the Oil this year I just repect them a ton. Iggy-Pop will fight it to the end, but the Original Six team advances in 7.

Bring on the East, Wanye. You writing this all down?

Avatar
#36 Archaeologuy
April 14 2009, 04:54PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Isnt the kid on the left McLovin?

Avatar
#37 Robin Brownlee
April 14 2009, 04:58PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Poo Czar wrote:

(1) Willis vs (8) Bingofuel (2) Brownlee vs (7) Amber (3) Gretz vs (6) Lowetide (4) Gregor vs (5) JSBM Willis in 4 (Bingofuel crushed by JW’s brain) Brownlee in 6 (Rage trumps Ovaries) Gretz in 7 (Didn’t Lowetide concede the regular season?) JSBM in 5 (Juvenile Filth over Bald & Knowledgable)

What's this "rage" comment? I respectfully disagree with that characterization.

And who the #$^$*#^#$*(UY&#WT^&@*&# seeded ME second to $%#@%#%&$^Willis? Are you $%#@^#%@#& kidding me? I'll snap his #%^$%$& neck like a chicken bone. And yours,too, #%#%$#@^@%#% ass-clown.

Avatar
#38 Archaeologuy
April 14 2009, 05:04PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Robin Brownlee wrote:

And who the #$^$*#^#$*(UY&#WT^&@*&# seeded ME second to $%#@%#%&$^Willis? Are you $%#@^#%@#& kidding me? I’ll snap his #%^$%$& neck like a chicken bone. And yours,too, #%#%$#@^@%#% ass-clown.

I like this kid's moxie, he's got the grit needed for post season play. Willis and his cool methodical style are great in the regular season, but it's a little too European for me.

Avatar
#39 bingofuel
April 14 2009, 05:22PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@ Robin Brownlee:

Wow, that was a weird sort of Falling Down meets Deep Oil moment. Classic.

Also, you guys, I have guile. I think guile (and the character of the same name from Street Fighter) would mop the floor with Willis' stats-softened brain.

Avatar
#40 Jack "FMNF" Bauer
April 14 2009, 05:40PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

"meets Deep Oil moment"

Shhhhh......dont mention him, he may come back.

Avatar
#41 Rusty Shackleford
April 14 2009, 06:00PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

San Jose in 5 Detroit in 6 Vancouver in 7 Chicago in 5

Avatar
#42 Poo Czar
April 14 2009, 07:17PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

The preceding comments reaffirm my picks. I'm totally winning the Grand from Hudsons!

Avatar
#43 Andrew W
April 14 2009, 07:52PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

"We will ignore for the moment what would occur if these two met in real life. We would take a Shark over pretty much every team name in the league, except perhaps the Las Vegas Harpoons."

Clearly you haven't seen Jaws II: electricity trumps the big shark. The Lightening could beat San Jose any day of the week then, right?

Avatar
#44 Andrew
April 14 2009, 08:58PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

San Jose 7 Columbus 7 St Louis 7 Calgary in 7

Meh... mine as well.

Avatar
#45 OvenChicken8
April 14 2009, 09:33PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Andrew W wrote:

“We will ignore for the moment what would occur if these two met in real life. We would take a Shark over pretty much every team name in the league, except perhaps the Las Vegas Harpoons.” Clearly you haven’t seen Jaws II: electricity trumps the big shark. The Lightening could beat San Jose any day of the week then, right?

Change the name to the Las Vegas Electricians... local 424. Then the sharks will perish.

Avatar
#46 Milli
April 15 2009, 09:27AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Ducks in 6 Detroit in 6 Chicago in 5 (and I am counting the days till the annual, we lost in rd#1 calgary Lames parade) St. Louis in 7!!!!

Avatar
#47 risto
April 15 2009, 01:38PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Sharks in 7 Jackets in 6 Blues in 7 Chicago in 5

Brownlee and Lowetide meet in the finals, quotes vs. numbers, Brownlee wins for picking the Oil to miss the playoffs.

Wanye: Connie Smythe for FMNF. it worked!

Willis beaten by the Miracle on Jasper Avenue (a little more sandpaper next year)

Avatar
#48 Smokin' Ray - NNC
April 15 2009, 09:47PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

How did I miss this? Geez...

San Jose in six Detroit in five Vancouver in six Chicago in six

Avatar
#49 Western Review and Round 2 Predicto - FlamesNation.ca
April 29 2009, 10:54AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

[...] made for the Western Conference only one man/woman/cyborg was correct in his/her/it’s Round One predictions. That person is: #28 OvenChicken8 April 14 2009, 1:38 [...]

Avatar
#50 Eastern Conference Thinkisms - OilersNation.com
April 30 2009, 12:59PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

[...] 3 for 4 in the West and 3 for 4 in the East. And to think we were once voted “Least likely to predict the majority of the First Round of the 2009 Stanley Cup playoffs” in High School. Where are you now yearbook committee? Gravely ill with the swine flu we hope. [...]

Comments are closed for this article.