OCCD3: GOLD AND CHAMPAGNE

Wanye
February 15 2010 03:02PM

On the day of the first Canadian winning Gold on home soil there has been a lot to be happy about. The drought has ended, the slump has been busted, etc etc. And if nothing else, it gave the Canadian Olympic Media Consortium and Tax Planning Service Co™ a chance to put on a display of hilarity that made us wonder if we had stumbled into an alternate dimension. 

But before we delve into the "ha ha" funny part of the day, we will commence with the "super sad" events that preceeded it: the abysmal figure skating commentary of former Olympians Jamie Sale and David Pelletier. We will start with a brief disclaimer that will illustrate that we already didn't like these two, but now have a whole new level of distate for their operation.

We already hate Sale and Pelletier for buying our childhood home in Edmonton and completely renovating it, eliminating a big part of our childhood in the process. Years from now when the world pornography museum seeks to have it named as a world heritage site they will be sadly disappointed as the bedroom in which we were raised is now a workout center or some such thing. That's reason #1 we don't enjoy these two.

REASON #2

What is going on with Sale and Pelletier as figure skating commentators? Were they given any coaching at all in professionalism, or merely reporting the event rather than trying to shoehorn themselves back into relevance? Seemingly no. 

During the Pairs skating last night the two ragged on every single competitor in the entire program, singling out the Ukranian pair of Morozov and Volosozhar and their Bud Light themed costumes noted above. Pelletier helpfully noted at one point "Figure skating is a sport - you just don't dress like that at the Olympics. It looks like their competition made their uniforms."

Uh what David? Knocking figure skaters for dressing weird is like knocking the Oilers for showing up to the final game before the Olympic break and mailing in a 7-3 loss. This is what they do - you can't fault them for it. The German Pair were dressed as clowns for heavens sakes! Clowns!

Its basically a prerequisite that you compete in Pairs skating dressed like a wood nymph or a musical sprite. And Pelletier above all should know this, here is a man who has made a living wearing a backless velour suit. You think he might cut the sport some slack. Or at least wait until the program is over to bring out the knives.

Not to be outdone by her former skating partner, Jamie Sale came across like the former head cheerleader returning to her former high school years later to watch the current squad compete. Old and dried up, she sits high in the bleachers, sharpening her claws and cutting down hard working kids who can't stack up to her glory back in the day.

Sale followed the lead of her former skating teammate all night, chiming in with a "it wasn't like this when we skated" during every other performance, amongst a myriad of other comparisons to their own days atop the skating world. The numerous awkward pauses and dead air during their commentary was an almost welcome reprieve from all the negative energy being directed at us through our telematrix device. 

We almost felt for Rod Black, who tried to keep it classy and steer the two to more righteous waters of positivity. He comes across as a complete pro, finding positives in each performance and discussing the merit of each pair. No lie, the other two couldn't have added less to the skating telecast if one had simply coughed the entire show while the other tired to make her thoughts known using that flag code used in the Navy in WWII.

GOLDEN BOY

Luckily Alexandre Bilodeau stepped up big time and delivered the first Canadian Gold Medal of the 2010 Games, besting that weirdo Australian-Canadian Dale Begg-Smith and delighting millions of Canadians around the world. This has since been explored 21 ways from Sunday so we will simply leave it at "well done old chap" and delve into the world of the bizarre that followed.

Please, please please tell us someone else saw Brian Williams interview Bilodeau and his family on CTV/TSN/SportsNet/Access Network last night around 10 PM MST.

It was easily one of the strangest live interviews we have ever seen. Williams totally ignored the Bilodeau family save Alexandre's brother Frederick, who was essentially brought out on camera and unfairly put on the spot on National TV. 

Luckily the Bilodeau family were in a whirlwind of media coverage and were excellent sports about the impromptu sit down that left us hoping against hope they would be set free and be allowed to go on with their evening of celebrating their Son's win.  

And then - just when it couldn't get more awkward - Darren Dutchyshen stolls onto the set - on live tv mind you - and interupts the interview to hand out champagne to he rolls Bilodeau family - including the obviously underage sister! 

What in the sweet holy hell was going on?

It was as though Dutchie had just rolled out of the TSN staff orgy going on one set over with a bottle of bubbly and some plastic cups, looking to party and just so happened to stumble across an interview in process. 

In rolls Uncle Dutchie, booze in hand for all to enjoy. We half expected him to bust out a bong and hand it around for a quick Olympic pull. What on earth was Dutchie doing? From the look of him the answer is roids.

But we digress. Yesterday was a tremendous day for the Canadians and a big Nation props goes out to Alexandre Bilodeau and the entire Bilodeau family for bringing home the Gold.

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#1 Charlie
February 15 2010, 03:13PM
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Dutch was trashed on live TV?

Saskatchewan Represent.

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#3 Muji 狗
February 15 2010, 03:25PM
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Remember when Dutchie and Perry Solkowski hosted ITV's (hell yea!) "Sports Night"?

Oh man. Good times.

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#5 Marsha
February 15 2010, 03:36PM
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All I can say about the broadcasting of these Olympics: I MISS CBC!! They are always classy in their coverage. CTV has been homers.

Way to go Bilodeau, nicely done!

Have you heard the Aussies are whining about Bilodeau beating their boy? hahahaha Suck it!

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#7 Jana
February 15 2010, 03:50PM
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Is anyone watching the snowboard racing - I think it's called sonwboard cross (?) - right now? On Sportsnet.

It's kind of cool So far 2 Canadians through the quarter-finals.

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#8 Dyckster
February 15 2010, 03:58PM
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"besting that weirdo Australian-Canadian Dale Begg-Smith"

EX Canadian Dale looked pretty peeved during Alexandre's celebration. He showed no emotion what-so-ever towards our heralded gold medalist. I can see why Mr. Begg-Smith had a "falling out" with our national ski federation, he came across yesterday as a bit of a douche. IMO

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#9 Charlie
February 15 2010, 04:02PM
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Wanye wrote:

I actually have found it here:

http://www.ctvolympics.ca/video/index.html

Search Williams and Bilodeau.

Dutchie walks in about half way in, booze in hand.

Classic.

Awesome.

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#11 GSC
February 15 2010, 04:11PM
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Wanye wrote:

I actually have found it here:

http://www.ctvolympics.ca/video/index.html

Search Williams and Bilodeau.

Dutchie walks in about half way in, booze in hand.

Classic.

BEAUTY.

This is what you would do if you were a reporter, Wanye...only you'd be tripping from the Mescaline and pouring Champagne all over yourself and anything resembling a woman (not including K.D. Lang) within a 10-foot radius.

To quite Eliza Doolittle, "Wouldn't it be lovely?"

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#12 Dan the Man
February 15 2010, 04:11PM
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Edmontonian Mike Robertson going for GOLD soon in Snowboardcross final.

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#14 Eddie Shore
February 15 2010, 04:19PM
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Wanye wrote:

SILVER FOR ROBERTSON!!!!!

He choked!

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#15 Dan the Man
February 15 2010, 04:21PM
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Wanye wrote:

SILVER FOR ROBERTSON!!!!!

Thought he had it locked up but that effin American snuck by him at the end.

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#17 Eddie Shore
February 15 2010, 04:26PM
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Wanye wrote:

Did he choke? I'm with Dan the Man - it looked more like that American snuck past him.

Either way I love that event.

Sorry. ~He choked. Seriously though, he had quite a lead and probably should have won gold. Good show none the less.

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#19 Banger
February 15 2010, 04:30PM
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Eddie Shore wrote:

He choked!

He choked? He won a silver medal at the olympics. THE OLYMPICS!!!

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#20 Eddie Shore
February 15 2010, 04:30PM
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Banger wrote:

He choked? He won a silver medal at the olympics. THE OLYMPICS!!!

Jesus Christ is sarcasm dead on this website?

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#21 jeanshorts
February 15 2010, 04:32PM
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I spent my evening at Molson Hockey House last night, and let me tell you, when that French kid won gold I thought the entire building was going to collapse. Everyone went insane. I don't normally get too wrapped up in any of the other sports outside of hockey, but apperentely I was the biggest moguls fan in the world last night. OLYMPICS!

PS I met Luc Robitaille. Suck it.

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#22 Banger
February 15 2010, 04:35PM
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Eddie Shore wrote:

Jesus Christ is sarcasm dead on this website?

Its all in the context. Like if you say Horcoff is the best number one center in the league, now that is easy sarcasim to pick up on.

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#24 jeanshorts
February 15 2010, 04:36PM
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Oh, and I see the Oilers brought it once again last night. Well done.

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#25 jeanshorts
February 15 2010, 04:41PM
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@Wanye

I was all like "Hey Luc, I love those Delissio pizza commercials. It's really nice to mee-"

And then I was promptly whisked out of the building by what I can only assume was a group of highly trained Israeli soldiers. Either that or a guy with a security badge attached to an lanyard. I don't remember.

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#27 jeanshorts
February 15 2010, 05:21PM
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@Wanye

I'm just "joshin' yer chain". He was really nice, and I'm pretty sure I got credited with an assist just by shaking his hand.

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#29 rubbertrout
February 15 2010, 05:52PM
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I've never thought of Rod Black as "classy". I remember back in the 90s at the World Juniors when he was asking a kid "you were going to win this tournament in your father's memory, you failed, how do you feel?"

Or something like that.

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#30 jeanshorts
February 15 2010, 06:33PM
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Wanye wrote:

YOU LIE.

If I bet Luc Robataille I would have a way cooler story than that. I'd have ridden across England in a motorcyle - side car combination with him.

What if I told you I have a picture of him sitting beside a giant, talking jock strap? Would that be something you'd be interested in?

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#32 Archaeologuy
February 15 2010, 08:24PM
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@jeanshorts

What if I told YOU that giant, talking jock strap rode across England in a motorcycle sidecar with Wanye?

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#33 Victoria
February 15 2010, 08:25PM
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jeanshorts wrote:

What if I told you I have a picture of him sitting beside a giant, talking jock strap? Would that be something you'd be interested in?

Pronger was there, too?

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#34 HottScarrison
February 15 2010, 08:46PM
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rubbertrout wrote:

I've never thought of Rod Black as "classy". I remember back in the 90s at the World Juniors when he was asking a kid "you were going to win this tournament in your father's memory, you failed, how do you feel?"

Or something like that.

I remember that, it was Paul Kariya. After a heartbreaking loss to sweden(i think). Kariya looked at him choking back tears and answered him with class meanwhile looking at him with this look of confusion and hate.

That was one of the worst thing I heard on television. Kariya's dad had just died like a week before.

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#35 Dan the Man
February 15 2010, 09:00PM
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9th for Wotherspoon in the Men's 500M....too bad.

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#36 Archaeologuy
February 15 2010, 09:20PM
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@Dan the Man

Yeah, he's had a great career, but today has been a tough day for Canada. You'd think Canada was married to Charlie Sheen the way they've choked today.

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#37 Archaeologuy
February 15 2010, 09:25PM
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Sale and Peltier are likely the worst commentators ever. They have longer lapses in speaking than Gene Principe doing play by play. They literally went a full 45 seconds without a word.

Even Rod Black's moustacheless commentary is better than 45 seconds of nothing!

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#38 SirFozz
February 15 2010, 09:40PM
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Apparently Grebs is on Russia's 1st 5-man unit, with OV's line. Grebs?!? Haha. Well, just tell us where to pic up our gold medals and we'll be going now. Thanks.

And if I met Luc, I'd be all, "hey! wanna play low level beer league hockey? My team isn't very good and you'd like really help. PLEASE? I'll let you use my jet pack."

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#39 VK63
February 16 2010, 09:16AM
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Im pretty sure guys from Porcupine Plain of European bloc heritage arent much hung up on social conventions, most notably class, integrity and awareness. That was ridiculous. I kind of felt for the position it put Williams in, heres a guy with cerebral palsy drinking booze. Im not sure who was more shocked, the people who were there or the people who were unlucky enough to witness it.

eh oh canada go

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#40 SquidRx
February 16 2010, 10:26AM
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You hit the nail on the head twice with this post Mr. Wanye. I was thinking the exact same things. When Dutchie rolled out with the champagne I jaw must of hit the floor. I understand what he was going for, but it didn't work. I think if he could have Brian Williams would have punched him in the junk for this move. It pushed the already teetering interview right over into the $hit filled ditch. I expected Dutchie to stick around and deliver a cheers all around but nope, he poured it and then disappeared quicker than Wanye's Bud Light at breakfast. That whole segment was a train wreck.

As for Jamie and David, I only watched a few minutes of skating last night and that was more than enough to realize that they were in way over their heads. They were blowjob from a girl with headgear bad. OUCH! The only thing we can hope for is that they are only there to "help" with the pairs skating and someone else takes over for the rest. Please, please tell me that is going to happen.

On a side note, did you see Rod Black? He looks like he underwent the same transformation that Luke Skywalker got between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. Or maybe he is just hitting the bottle really hard so he can make it through the show with Ren and Stimpy. Either way he wasn't looking that good.

Anyway, that's enough negative. Awesome job by Jenn Heil, Bilodeau, Robertson, Groves and all the rest of our Canadian athletes that are making us proud.

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#41 Terry
February 16 2010, 11:16AM
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Dutchy is taking a beating on Bob McCown's site...as he should. What was he thinking: http://www.fadoo.ca/blog/display/a-triumph-gaffes-and-tsns-dutchy-with-champagne-1448

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#42 DMac
February 17 2010, 02:14PM
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I was not only disappointed, but also offended, by the lousy commentators of the Men’s Short Programme in Figure Skating last night on CTV.

Firstly, and I don’t know if there is a common standard in broadcasting, but since artistry and interpretation are evaluated in this sport, why is the music (and composer) that skaters perform to not identified onscreen at the start of the programme, or even mentioned by the so-called commentators.

Speaking of the “commentators” (aside from Rod Black), I’m not sure if the voices belonged to Salé and Pelletier who covered the Pairs programmes, but frankly two bumps on a log would have had more to say, and provided more insight.

Finally, the thinly veiled homophobic remarks from that moustachioed douchebag Rod Black while Johnny Weir was preparing to skate had no place on a national broadcast.

I look forward to competent and dignified coverage of skating events on the CBC again, once the Olympics have passed.

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