OGDB 1: CANADA v. NORWAY

Wanye
February 16 2010 01:22AM

 

OH SNAP Puffy! The Olympic Games finally get underway today when the Canadian Men's Ice Hockey Team faces off against the Norwegians in Vancouver. The Canadians are looking to set the tone with a big start against Norway, showing that a single practice in the last 4 months is exactly enough preparation for this bunch of All Stars to dominate the ice.

If the Turin games are to be used as a statistic in looking at this completely revamped 2010 Squadron, we suppose that it is worth noting that Norway is nowhere to be found on the standings in Turino and the Canadian team received medals made of vanilla pudding or whatever is handed off to the 7th place finishers.

THE 124 MILLION DOLLAR SOLUTION

Whatever the case, the Canadians are icing a team with an eye popping annual salary cap of nearly 124 million dollars, all numbers courtesy of nhlnumbers.com. And before you start yelling like a Dutch Speedskating fan, this is actual 09/10 money, not cap hit.

The only guys who aren't Power Balling Supreme are either on the verge of a vastly richer deal kicking in (Toews and Keith) or are going to get a truckload of money from their current employer (Doughty) just as soon as he wins us all a Gold medal to even further increase his value to the Kings.

G Martin Brodeur - 5.2 million 

G Marc-André Fleury - 3.5 million 

G Roberto Luongo - 7.5 million 

D Dan Boyle - 6.667 million 

D Drew Doughty - 0.875 million 

D Duncan Keith - 1.9 million 

D Scott Niedermayer – 6.0 million

D Chris Pronger – 6.25 million 

D Brent Seabrook - 3.5 million 

D Shea Weber - 4.5 million 

F Patrice Bergeron - 5 million 

F Sidney Crosby –  9 million 

F Ryan Getzlaf - 5.125 million 

F Dany Heatley - 8 million 

F Jarome Iginla – 7 million 

F Patrick Marleau - 6.3 million 

F Brenden Morrow - 4.1 million  

F Rick Nash - 7 million 

F Mike Richards - 5.6 million  

F Corey Perry - 6.5 million 

F Eric Staal - 6 million 

F Joe Thornton - 7.2 million 

F Jonathan Toews - 0.85 million 

Total 2009/10 Salary: $123.57 million dollars

BIG SMOKE

Who is really icing the team that is going to own the Podium now huh? That kind of money must make the Hockey players blow past the Male Ice Dancers in the hallway of the Athlete's Village with a certain swagger don't you think?

To put that total in perspective, consider that the entire speed skating program has an annual budget of $4,200 - or roughly what Sidney Crosby will earn during the National Anthem tonight.

So if the Canadians don't get us the danged gold medal we have our hearts set on, it ain't salary cap issues bogging this team down.

TODAY'S LINE UP

Roberto Luongo has been announced as the go to guy to start in goal against Norway today. The rest of the team is listed below and made $500,485 in the time it took you to read this article. 

Figuring out what player plays what forward is playing what position is a national secret that is being kept underground, in a bunker 12 miles under BC Place at the present time. But we can say that Pronger has apparently been splitting his time in practice yesterday with both Boyle and Daughty because he is such a great big jerk* but that it appears Boyle will be his partner once the puck drops.

*except in the Olympics

AWESOME FORWARDS

Crosby - Nash - Bergeron

Perry - Getzlaf - Staal

Iginla - Toews - Morrow

Thornton - Heatley - Marleau

Richards

AWESOME DEFENSEMEN

Niedermayer - Weber

Keith - Seabrook

Pronger - Boyle

Doughty

AWESOME GOALIES

Luongo (Starting)

Brodeur (Being awesome on the bench)

Fleury (Being awesome in the cheap seats somewhere)

FINALLY

Do Kerrin Lee-Gartner 1992 Gold Medalist in the Downhill proud fellas.

Let's get at 'er.

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
Avatar
#1 Ambassador humantorch
February 16 2010, 01:39AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Also, since this game starts at 1am in my local time zone, Canada better make this impending double-digit blowout pretty damned exciting if I'm going to stay up and watch the whole thing.

Also, z0mg FIRST!

Avatar
#2 Phil
February 16 2010, 03:50AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

this article had me late night lol'ing.

Canada win 10-1

Avatar
#3 Cory Dakin
February 16 2010, 07:34AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Kevin lowe definitely had a big say in putting this team together. We are only sending ten forwards? That has oilers written all over it.

Avatar
#4 rubbertrout
February 16 2010, 07:42AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Finns or Norewgians it doesn't matter. Team Canada kicks those Nordic bitches right through the glass and wrecks the environmentally friendly Olympia Ice re-surfacer.

9-1

Bobby Lou is incapable of getting a shutout (in my hockey pool anyway.)

Avatar
#5 Cory Dakin
February 16 2010, 09:16AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

It's not fun when you go in and fix your drunken ramblings the next day. I liked when we only had three lines and we were playing the Finnish norweigans.

Avatar
#6 RossCreekNation
February 16 2010, 09:16AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Not sure if the game is on Edmonton radio, but FAN960 in Calgary is carrying it, and the best radio play-by-play man in Alberta will be calling the action - thee legendary, Hall-of-Famer... Peter Maher.

Avatar
#7 RossCreekNation
February 16 2010, 09:17AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@Cory Dakin

lol

Avatar
#8 Oil Kings 'n' Pretty Things
February 16 2010, 09:33AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Wow, I hate squeaky bus brakes.

So hungover. Crushed a 15 of Busch.

Avatar
#9 Pajamah
February 16 2010, 09:39AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
RossCreekNation wrote:

Not sure if the game is on Edmonton radio, but FAN960 in Calgary is carrying it, and the best radio play-by-play man in Alberta will be calling the action - thee legendary, Hall-of-Famer... Peter Maher.

Is he "legendary" to flames fans the way Hallsy is legendary to Edmonton fans (see: senile, long in the tooth, should have retired 15 years ago)

Avatar
#10 Ender
February 16 2010, 09:57AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

$123.57M per season ≈ $0.515M per day.

How slow do you think we read?! I'll have you know I finished the whole article in under two hours, thank you very much.

Avatar
#11 Homie
February 16 2010, 10:02AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

7-4 Canada. Luongo gets pulled after 3 goals on 6 shots and some pivotal player for Canada blows out their knee. The adversity will make bringing home the gold that much sweeter.

Avatar
#12 Petr's Jofa
February 16 2010, 11:02AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Is there anyone else who's finding it difficult to accept that we're going to have to cheer for Pronger & Heatly?

Avatar
#13 Oil Kings 'n' Pretty Things
February 16 2010, 11:21AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
Petr's Jofa wrote:

Is there anyone else who's finding it difficult to accept that we're going to have to cheer for Pronger & Heatly?

I'm finding it difficult to cheer for a team to win.

It's been so long.

Avatar
#14 The Towel Boy
February 16 2010, 11:34AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

My Team Canada jersey is locked and loaded for this evening's game.

I cannot wait to care about a hockey game again.

Avatar
#15 I'm a Scientist!
February 16 2010, 11:40AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
Petr's Jofa wrote:

Is there anyone else who's finding it difficult to accept that we're going to have to cheer for Pronger & Heatly?

I am just going to pretend that it is like sleeping with an ex-girlfriend. You had a nasty break up awhile ago because she was a cheating whore but you recently ran into her again and Daaaaaayummm she was looking fine in that red dress. You are a bit horny since it has been a while since you last scored. One thing leads to another and you end up scoring numerous times in the next two weeks. At the end of those two weeks you feel pretty good about yourself and your gold medal performance but that is when she cuts you off and heads back to her other boyfriend leaving you jaded and pissed off again. The hatred returns and life progresses as usual...

Avatar
#16 Ender
February 16 2010, 12:02PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
I'm a Scientist! wrote:

I am just going to pretend that it is like sleeping with an ex-girlfriend. You had a nasty break up awhile ago because she was a cheating whore but you recently ran into her again and Daaaaaayummm she was looking fine in that red dress. You are a bit horny since it has been a while since you last scored. One thing leads to another and you end up scoring numerous times in the next two weeks. At the end of those two weeks you feel pretty good about yourself and your gold medal performance but that is when she cuts you off and heads back to her other boyfriend leaving you jaded and pissed off again. The hatred returns and life progresses as usual...

Pretty darn good analogy, but I'll throw one small ammendment in:

You know it's all about current performance. She's still a cheating whore, you know there's ZERO chance you'd ever make her your girlfriend again, but as long as she's willing to do things that make you feel OH SO GOOD you're willing to temporarily overlook past indiscretions. And when she goes back to her other boyfriend (meh), you just smile at him and say "Thanks for the loan, punk."

Avatar
#17 Jamie B.
February 16 2010, 12:03PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
Petr's Jofa wrote:

Is there anyone else who's finding it difficult to accept that we're going to have to cheer for Pronger & Heatly?

Nope. A red maple leaf does it every time. I'm just that easy, apparently.

Avatar
#18 Dan the Man
February 16 2010, 12:03PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
I'm a Scientist! wrote:

I am just going to pretend that it is like sleeping with an ex-girlfriend. You had a nasty break up awhile ago because she was a cheating whore but you recently ran into her again and Daaaaaayummm she was looking fine in that red dress. You are a bit horny since it has been a while since you last scored. One thing leads to another and you end up scoring numerous times in the next two weeks. At the end of those two weeks you feel pretty good about yourself and your gold medal performance but that is when she cuts you off and heads back to her other boyfriend leaving you jaded and pissed off again. The hatred returns and life progresses as usual...

Greatest analogy in the history of analogies.

Avatar
#19 PattQuinn'sChesthair
February 16 2010, 12:05PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
I'm a Scientist! wrote:

I am just going to pretend that it is like sleeping with an ex-girlfriend. You had a nasty break up awhile ago because she was a cheating whore but you recently ran into her again and Daaaaaayummm she was looking fine in that red dress. You are a bit horny since it has been a while since you last scored. One thing leads to another and you end up scoring numerous times in the next two weeks. At the end of those two weeks you feel pretty good about yourself and your gold medal performance but that is when she cuts you off and heads back to her other boyfriend leaving you jaded and pissed off again. The hatred returns and life progresses as usual...

Yeah its going to be a bittersweet romance, the Human Rake and Danny F'n Heatley connecting for sweet sweet goals on the PP. It makes me want to barf and yet I cant help but get a chubby just thinking about it. Is that wrong?*

*runs back to his "quiet place" until the puck drops to contemplate the complexities of Hockey Love.

Avatar
#20 Petr's Jofa
February 16 2010, 12:06PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@I'm a Scientist!

I see where you're coming from, but this gapped-toothed, gimp-eyed, dicthed us without an explaination and ignored us this summer when we asked her out. I'm all for using her, but in the end she's the one who get's the prize and we're left feeling used.

I'm so used to losing that I think I'm ok with a loss as long as Pronger or Heatly get are wearing the goat horns on the play that cost the team

Avatar
#21 danjo1
February 16 2010, 12:08PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@Petr's Jofa

I'm with you man... I find it hard to cheer for Team Canada this year :(

Avatar
#22 PattQuinn'sChesthair
February 16 2010, 12:09PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@Petr's Jofa

~FOR SHAME! Damn you and your loser talk, that kinda talk is reserved for Oiler fans.~

Avatar
#23 PattQuinn'sChesthair
February 16 2010, 12:11PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
danjo1 wrote:

I'm with you man... I find it hard to cheer for Team Canada this year :(

OK SERIOUSLY THIS HAS TO STOP. YES I AM YELLING! lol

Avatar
#24 Petr's Jofa
February 16 2010, 12:17PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@PattQuinn'sChesthair

I'm not cheering for a loss, I'm just really indifferent because of who's on the roster.

Avatar
#25 Dan the Man
February 16 2010, 12:17PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Has anyone seen the crazy pajamas the Norwegian curling team are wearing?

Avatar
#26 Eddie Shore
February 16 2010, 12:20PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

GOO OILE.. CANADA!!

whew... that was a close one.

Avatar
#27 Tracie
February 16 2010, 12:24PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Jeez, guys! You are getting all girly on us! worrying about the complexities of hockey love is supposed to be reserved for us girls! I too am finding it hard to acknowledge the fact that I'll be cheering for Crosby and not cheering for Ovechkin, but hey, it's gonna be DAMN GOOD hockey and dammit, We at Oilersnation deserve good hockey!!!

Vesides, we never took away from the fact the DFH and the human rake were good players, so let's use and abuse them and send them bruised back to their NHL teams! As long as they are coming home with a gold medal around their necks, they have serviced us well!

And props to the analogy! My cubicle buddies came over to see what the hell I was laughing at!

Avatar
#28 I'm a Scientist!
February 16 2010, 12:26PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
Petr's Jofa wrote:

I'm not cheering for a loss, I'm just really indifferent because of who's on the roster.

Sometimes you just have to take one for the team....like taking the fat girl home so your buddy can take the hot girl home. You might not like what you are looking at as it happens, but the end result will feel just as good.

Suck it up princess! They are Canadian and they are damn good hockey players! Get rid of your grudge already and go get some!

Avatar
#29 I'm a Scientist!
February 16 2010, 12:27PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@Tracie

*high five*

Avatar
#30 jeanshorts
February 16 2010, 12:40PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
Dan the Man wrote:

Has anyone seen the crazy pajamas the Norwegian curling team are wearing?

I thought some kind of Clown College had snuck a team in somehow.

They're tarnishing the manliness of curling!

Avatar
#31 Snoop Blogg
February 16 2010, 01:09PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

I heard the city of vancouver has donated like 100 000 condoms to the athletes village. I really hope Drew Doughty gets to use some of those on Lindsey Vonn. Id say jonathon toews or sid but i dont think those two have the combined social skill set to pull it off. I know Chris Pronger isn't going to let me down.

Avatar
#32 Cory Dakin
February 16 2010, 01:13PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

So we're not hoping that Canada loses so we get first pick overall on some strange new inernational draft? This is going to feel strange.

I wonder if heatley will demand a trade to the German team because he's not happy with his role on team Canada. It could happen

Avatar
#33 Heavyd
February 16 2010, 01:25PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@Snoop Blogg

Do you think Pronger will take any condoms?

Avatar
#34 Heavyd
February 16 2010, 01:25PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Ryan Miller, can't put Miller time, on his helmet, because of the beer company. The Olympics have some wierd rules.

Avatar
#35 Archaeologuy
February 16 2010, 01:27PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@Cory Dakin

Maybe he wants to be an Australian Mogul skier.

Avatar
#36 Archaeologuy
February 16 2010, 01:30PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
Heavyd wrote:

Ryan Miller, can't put Miller time, on his helmet, because of the beer company. The Olympics have some wierd rules.

I understand the rule completely. The Olympics dont want any advertising or political messages brought into the games. Quick wasnt even allowed to have "support our troops" on his helmet.

I know they make tons of cash on Visa commercials and the like, but that's on the TV side of stuff, not the actual athletes themselves.

Avatar
#37 Heavyd
February 16 2010, 01:34PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@Archaeologuy

I guess, I just think its stupid.

Avatar
#38 Ender
February 16 2010, 02:37PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
Cory Dakin wrote:

So we're not hoping that Canada loses so we get first pick overall on some strange new inernational draft? This is going to feel strange.

I wonder if heatley will demand a trade to the German team because he's not happy with his role on team Canada. It could happen

And woe be to CFP if Lauren decides she really likes Italian shoes. Italy didn't qualify for 2010, Chris, but maybe you'll have better luck in 2014.

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha . . .

OK, hurry up and go score some goals tonight. You never know when that crazy lady is going to pull the plug on this thing . . .

Avatar
#39 Pajamah
February 16 2010, 03:02PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
Archaeologuy wrote:

Maybe he wants to be an Australian Mogul skier.

Only parents of young kids may understand the referrence, but Begg-Smith reminded me of a 20-something Caillou, pouting and whining.

You could tell Heil wasn't happy with silver, but she painted on a smile, Begg-Smith was way too poopy-pants

Avatar
#40 RossCreekNation
February 16 2010, 03:13PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@I'm a Scientist!

I'm a Scientist! OWNS this thread. OWNS!

Avatar
#41 Tracie
February 16 2010, 03:19PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
Pajamah wrote:

Only parents of young kids may understand the referrence, but Begg-Smith reminded me of a 20-something Caillou, pouting and whining.

You could tell Heil wasn't happy with silver, but she painted on a smile, Begg-Smith was way too poopy-pants

Begg-Smith is jsut like that...I watched some feature on him before the race and they said that he got some special accolade from the Aussies and he was yawning thru the ceremony! I mean, seriously, this guy needs a life! Good thing he's not representing Canada!

I agree he looked very pouty at the medal ceremony! Couldn't even give the people cheering for him a wave! What a douchebag!

Avatar
#42 I'm a Scientist!
February 16 2010, 03:45PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props
RossCreekNation wrote:

I'm a Scientist! OWNS this thread. OWNS!

That could explain why it is so quiet around these parts! Shouldn't we be blowin' up with discussions about the first REAL hockey game in these parts since Peter Pocklington sold the soul of our city??? There are things to comment on, players to critique, fashion statements to make and dagnabbit if Wanye doesn't fly to Vancouver break into the speed skating arena and ghost ride the hell out of that broken down piece of eco garbage I am seriously going to wonder if I woke up in a nightmare...

*breathes into a brown paper bag*

Avatar
#43 RossCreekNation
February 16 2010, 03:51PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

*Calling our Minister... repeat... calling our minister*

Lets DOOOOOOoooooo something already! Kick this shiznit off boyeee!

Avatar
#44 I'm a Scientist!
February 16 2010, 03:59PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Potential gold in women's snowboard cross???

*crickets*

Avatar
#45 RossCreekNation
February 16 2010, 04:11PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

GOLD!!

Avatar
#46 I'm a Scientist!
February 16 2010, 04:12PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLDDDDD!!!!!!!!

*goes to hug RossCreek but then remembers he is a Calgary fan....but then remembers he is also Canadian and does it anyway!*

Avatar
#47 RossCreekNation
February 16 2010, 04:15PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@I'm a Scientist!

Thanks man ;)

According to Bryn Griffiths, Jamie Campbell has called the action for 4 of the 5 medals Canada has won. Can we get this man to call the hockey games?

Avatar
#48 Aleslav Smidsky
February 16 2010, 04:16PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

What time is the game tonight and is it on T.V.?

Canada vs that little village somewheres in the ScanDanAvian.

Avatar
#49 Dan the Man
February 16 2010, 04:19PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

Snowboard Cross is my new second favorite sport replacing clown pants curling.

Avatar
#50 RossCreekNation
February 16 2010, 04:21PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
Props
0
props

@Aleslav Smidsky

Is it on TV? Are you kidding me? This IS hockey and this IS Canada. CTV @ 5:30 my man.

Comments are closed for this article.