Great American Victory Report Pt. 3: lol "Your Game" okay buddy

Ryan Lambert
February 22 2010 12:59PM


Howdy folks.

The Olympics are, of course, all about athletic competition, pushing to be the best, and coming together as a global community to celebrate peace and goodwill. But let's be honest here, it's also about winners and losers. Canada may have a couple gold medals now but I think it's time we took a look at the real winner so far: America.

As far as I know, I'm the only American (read also: non-loser) who writes for the various Nations, and that's why I have taken it upon myself to come here and remind you that the United States has and will continue to dominate "Your Olympics."

Here are five more very specific reasons why.

1. I told ya so.

 Look, I mean, I get it. Look at that roster you guys brought to the Olympics for hockey, which you laughably call, "Your sport." There's not one Oiler on it. So how could you not delude yourselves into thinking you were destined for some amount of success? Well, I forgive you. Not unconditionally of course. I will first be seeking apologies from the following Oilers/Flames Nation commenters, who foolishly predicted a Canadian win.

  1. Ender the Dragon, who said, "If (when) Canada beats the Americans in hockey..." WRONG
  2. Phil, who noted, "And besides, all that really matters is the USA will get embarrassed in a few days by the absolutely dominant Canadian squad in mens hockey. Fools are gonna get crushed." RAFALSKI'D
  3. GSC, who blabbed, "I just can't stand to see this kind of ethnocentric behavior. There's no reason for it, especially when it looks like USA Hockey will be an afterthought once more in Vancouver." INCORRECT
  4. GSC (again), who chattered, "...and the strong possibility that Hockey Canada brings home another gold." DISAPPOINTED
  5. Fellow Flames Nation contributor RossCreek, who blathered, "Sorry pal, but the USA battling for a bronze in men's hockey will be as good as it gets for you. Meanwhile, we up here in igloo-land will cherish our GOLD forever." DISCREDITED
  6. Ambassador humantorch, who yammered, "Also, I hope your hockey team enjoys getting the everloving snot beat out of it in the only Winter Olympic sport that matters. Say hi to 5th place for us!" SIXTH PLACED

I wonder what happened. I mean, last I saw the United States had creamed a bunch of future sod farmers in the World Junior title game and that was, I was led to believe, a major international ice hockey competition, right up until you lost it. I guess the same is now true of the Olympics. But hey, chin up, Canada. You only have to get through the Russians and Finns to compete for a medal. Over in the winners' bracket, I think the US is playing like South Africa or something. It's tough to tell between all these countries we could crush like bugs with our omnipotent military or, if they'd prefer, American Hero Ryan Kesler.

2. Even Bodie Miller can defeat the world.

Last time we dominated participated in the Winter Olympics, Bode Miller was made out to be the next Michael Jordan or, more appropriately, Ryan Miller of competitive skiing. And he went home without a medal or something like that I can't remember. The point is he embarrassed this country so badly that I secretly began to suspect he was a naturalized Canadian that had come to this wonderful country of mine in hopes of perhaps scrubbing off some of the failure stench with which all Canadian children are born, kind of like Original Sin but only for natives of the crummiest North American country (at least Mexico gave us the burrito, y'know?).

But nope, it turns out Bode Miller is an American after all. How else could you explain his gold in the men's supercombined, silver in the super-G, and bronze in the downhill? Answer: you couldn't. That's winner material right there, and thus immediately disproves my previous theories that he could have come from any country but the Good Ol' US of A.

3. You idiots get worked up over a gold in the skeleton.



Okay, okay. Congratulations to you, Canada. You won gold in the "sledding" event. I could have too if my mom hadn't called me in for supper when it started getting dark back in the days I was still in fourth grade.

But for real, you guys are gonna dominate at the Summer Games when they introduce hopscotch.

 

4. Our sissiest man could kill the strongest Canadian with his bare hands.

Evan Lysachek wasn't the favorite to win gold in men's figure skating. I'm not sure why, though. He clowned out some punkass Russian guy who came out of retirement just to lose to America like it was 1991 all over again. The Olympics are, of course, that wonderful time when the world gets together to act like it understands, ahem, "sports" in which it has no interest and of which it has no knowledge. Case in point: figure skating. If you're anything like me (I know, it's hopelessly optimistic for you to compare yourselves to a real live American, but see if you can wrap your head around it), you don't know squat about such a stupid event.

But even I knew that Lysachek slaughtered in this one. Women in the audience were actually fainting from how sexually aroused they were by his breathtaking performance, and several Canadian men reportedly committed suicide because they knew they could never aspire to this level of manliness. Imagine how rough it would have been for the average Canadian excuse for a boy in any school from Halifax to Nanaimo if Evan Lysachek walked in there lookin' for lunch money. Then keep in mind that this is the kind of kid Ryan Callahan was shoving into lockers every day of his high school life.

5. It is and will forever be about medal count.

Let's have another look at the medal table. I remember last Thursday the US had 15 medals to, of course, lead the entire world as we so richly deserve. So what's it looking like a couple days later? Oh that's funny. America is still on top.

And look at all these medals! Twenty-freaking-four of them. The next closest country is Germany. With 18. After that is Norway with 12. Then South Korea and Canada with nine each. South goddamn Korea? Weren't you Canadians supposed to "own the podium" or whatever? What happened with that? Hell, the US has more BRONZE medals than you guys do total.

I think it's time you guys just gave up, eh? I'm sure Seattle would be happy to host the remaining week of the games just to give you guys a break so you can think about the many, many ways in which you've blown it.

686dfac3780611cb7acad6ce5166c6c1
Yer ol' buddy Lambert is handsome and great and everyone loves him. Also you can visit his regular blog at The Two-Line Pass or follow him on Twitter. Lucky you!
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#1 rubbertrout
February 22 2010, 01:02PM
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I hope you catch dysentery and spend your evenings sh%tting out your duodenum.

We lead the world in the cardboard medals though.

Canada: Owning the cardboard podium since 2010* *the Cardboard Podium (patent pending) which happens to be on East Hastings street but the East hastings that existed before they shipped out the homeless for the Jeux Olympiques.

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#2 Harlie
February 22 2010, 01:03PM
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damn you ToiLetPaper man!

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#3 rubbertrout
February 22 2010, 01:07PM
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America: The home of the morbidly obese, West Virginian brothers/husbands, and of course Johnny Weir.

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#4 rubbertrout
February 22 2010, 01:09PM
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Way to figure out how to upload an avatar.

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#5 Harlie
February 22 2010, 01:09PM
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p.s - Chuck Norris's doppleganger sucks.

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#6 Wanye
February 22 2010, 01:12PM
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I HATE YOU TLP!

HAVE YOU NO SOUL??

*runs out of room screaming, misjudges doorway location and runs straight into wall knocking himself out*

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#7 What are you talking aboot??
February 22 2010, 01:20PM
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Best. Post. Ever.

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#8 NotWorthIt
February 22 2010, 01:24PM
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Yawn.

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#9 Ender
February 22 2010, 01:27PM
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I think that in order to get the proper perspective on things, TLP, we should first review a few immortal words:

"This isn't over!"*
*A guy who believed that something wasn't over
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#10 dingers
February 22 2010, 01:31PM
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Made my morning

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#11 Dan the Man
February 22 2010, 01:37PM
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Whatever, everyone knows that TLP is an acronym for Tiny Little Penis.

That's all I got.

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#12 OvenChicken8 - Team JSBM
February 22 2010, 01:38PM
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Reading this makes me a saaad panda :(

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#13 Dan the Man
February 22 2010, 01:42PM
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When we say "Own the Podium" we mean it literally as in our tax dollars paid for those cool wooden podiums so we technically own them, they are our property.

After the games are over we will still "own" those podiums.

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#14 Snakeskinstew
February 22 2010, 01:49PM
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hmmmmmmmm....I wonder how many positive drug tests did the USOC overlook this time?

Good luck with your personality

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#15 Hunter5
February 22 2010, 01:50PM
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What the hell were the Hamelin's bothers doing in the 1500 Short Track Final? Do you think they could have some how worked together like the Korean's did. All one of them had to do was slip and wipe out a Korean and we would of had a medal. They could of split the Federal Government money for winning a medal. Instead, 4th and 5th place, nice work fella's! Del Bosco wiping out on the final jump of the ski-cross, there was no way he was going to catch the guy for silver. Instead NO MEDAL, again.

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#16 OilFan
February 22 2010, 01:52PM
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Same as last article. Yawn.

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#17 Hunter5
February 22 2010, 01:54PM
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Dan the Man wrote:

When we say "Own the Podium" we mean it literally as in our tax dollars paid for those cool wooden podiums so we technically own them, they are our property.

After the games are over we will still "own" those podiums.

I think it's safe to say we rented out the Podium's for the last 2 weeks.

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#18 OilFan
February 22 2010, 01:56PM
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LOL As Seattle starts begging China to lend the Ameicans another 100 billion to get the remaining Olympics

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#19 GSC
February 22 2010, 01:57PM
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Someone actually remembered what I said, and even mentioned me in an article? I'm flattered, so many people to thank...

I will say one thing, TLP: this article needs a Ryan Miller pic.

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#20 OilFan
February 22 2010, 02:03PM
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Didn't TPL just write a artice just like this one ? No wonder he can't get a gig in the States with it being so GREAT

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#21 GSC
February 22 2010, 02:03PM
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rubbertrout wrote:

America: The home of the morbidly obese, West Virginian brothers/husbands, and of course Johnny Weir.

I went to West Virginia University, watch it bub ;)

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#22 Chaz
February 22 2010, 02:11PM
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Too bad TLP doesn't have any fellow Americans to celebrate the big win with, and instead can only find enjoyment by mocking people who actually enjoy watching real sports, in real time.

I guess the Wanks, errr....Yanks are too busy watching NASCAR and Monster Truck Rallys to get excited about hockey. Or maybe they haven't seen the game yet. Perhaps NBC will replay it sometime next week....

By that time the US Mens Hockey team will be trashing their rooms in the Olympic village after their early exit from the Quater Finals...

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#23 The Towel Boy
February 22 2010, 02:11PM
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Who saw this coming!?!

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#24 RossCreekNation
February 22 2010, 02:13PM
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You had me with the Hacksaw Jim Duggan pic... and the "tough guy" ad-lib. I heart YOU, TwoLinePass.

I may have been 'DISCREDITED' in your mind, but you know Canada could still win gold and the States could still "win" 4th, right?

Ah well... Pha-Q TLP, I'm never coming here again as long as this DB writes here. How dare he say the things he says. Only us Canadians can bad-mouth our hockey team. Something, something, fat americans, something, health care, something, "good luck with your personality", something, "notworthit", something, something, Johnny Wier!

@ Wanye

I want my money back. This website is a farce! TLP can't say that... CAN HE? Gimme back my damn cashmoola baybay

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#25 DougWeightProblem
February 22 2010, 02:14PM
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At least one Canadian won something better than a gold ...

... Mr. Comrie won some sweet Hilary Duff action!

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

*Licks lips sensually, yet disturbingly*

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#26 RossCreekNation
February 22 2010, 02:15PM
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"They don't give out medals for winning the preliminary round...we've made some glaring turnovers." - Brian Burke, today.

"The two best teams in this tournament are still [Russia and Canada]. We got outchanced 2 to 1. Our goaltender stole us the game." - Brian Burke, today.

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#27 BUCK75
February 22 2010, 02:22PM
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We can't even beat the Americans in a photo finish in the ladies team X-Country Skiing. But we can beat them at curling...

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#28 jake
February 22 2010, 02:32PM
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RossCreekNation wrote:

"They don't give out medals for winning the preliminary round...we've made some glaring turnovers." - Brian Burke, today.

"The two best teams in this tournament are still [Russia and Canada]. We got outchanced 2 to 1. Our goaltender stole us the game." - Brian Burke, today.

Burkie starting to panic the U.S. may lose it's underdog status and be expected to win, at which point they will likely wilt.

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#29 DougWeightProblem
February 22 2010, 02:39PM
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RAFALSKI'D: Sounds like something I did after a night of heavy drinking combined with the consumption of several dill pickles in a row.

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#30 Dan the Man
February 22 2010, 02:40PM
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From the CTV Olympic Website:(with my notes in brackets)

Chris Rudge, the chief executive of the Canadian Olympic Committee, conceded Monday morning that Canadian athletes will not meet the COC's goal of finishing first in the medal standings at the Winter Olympic Games. (Thanks so much for clearing that up Chris)

He added that COC officials did not anticipate the strong showing by other countries such the United States, China and South Korea.(So the plan was based on other nations not trying?)

Officials did point to some successes, noting that Canada has more top eight finishes than in the last Olympic Winter Games.(Wooohooo! We're Top 8! We're Top 8!)

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#31 David S
February 22 2010, 02:48PM
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I somehow picture TLP as the "American Information Minister."

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#32 Ender
February 22 2010, 02:54PM
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Dan the Man wrote:

From the CTV Olympic Website:(with my notes in brackets)

Chris Rudge, the chief executive of the Canadian Olympic Committee, conceded Monday morning that Canadian athletes will not meet the COC's goal of finishing first in the medal standings at the Winter Olympic Games. (Thanks so much for clearing that up Chris)

He added that COC officials did not anticipate the strong showing by other countries such the United States, China and South Korea.(So the plan was based on other nations not trying?)

Officials did point to some successes, noting that Canada has more top eight finishes than in the last Olympic Winter Games.(Wooohooo! We're Top 8! We're Top 8!)

OK, stop already. You're more depressing than TLP; at least we know he's deliberately trying to cherry-pick reasons to mess with our heads. If this is your way of helping, do us a favour and stop helping us!~

:-)

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#33 RossCreekNation
February 22 2010, 03:01PM
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OilFan wrote:

Didn't TPL just write a artice just like this one ? No wonder he can't get a gig in the States with it being so GREAT

Did you know that TLP also writes for Puck Daddy (Yahoo! Sports)? He's kind of a big deal, you know ;-)

http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy?author=Ryan+Lambert

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#34 OilFan
February 22 2010, 03:14PM
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RossCreekNation wrote:

Did you know that TLP also writes for Puck Daddy (Yahoo! Sports)? He's kind of a big deal, you know ;-)

http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy?author=Ryan+Lambert

They must like the same stuff every read. I'll check it out but judging from the last two aticles i don't think I will like it. It's not the USA vs Canada, I get the idea. Just over using it don't you think ?

Update checked it out, SAME OLD SAME OLD

I guess it isn't that hard to get a gig writing for sports blogs, you got one . LOL Joking!!

*** as i curse the flames fan in my head ***

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#35 RossCreekNation
February 22 2010, 03:18PM
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@OilFan

Perhaps him making fun of the Leafs would be a good one to check...

http://thetwolinepass.com/2010/02/good-night-torontooooooooo/#more-1650

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#36 OilFan
February 22 2010, 03:21PM
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I don't care for the leafs but before I check it out. Let me guess, he makes fun of the fact they have so many fans and a crap team ? Proabably since thats not original like every thing else I have read.

DO you think Iggy will get it going ? Lou has the start for the game tommorroww

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#37 Michigan Oiler
February 22 2010, 03:27PM
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I had a Canadian from Hamilton in the house watching the game. What started out as fun back and forth tit-4-tat, became awfully one-sided and suddenly my house was very quiet. Except for me of course. Was a fun day in Michigan. Rafalski from Dearborn, MI. Jack Johnson from UofM. Good to see guys from the area doing well. Now can they keep it up? That is the ?

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#38 jess
February 22 2010, 03:31PM
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"3. You idiots get worked up over a gold in the skeleton."

This part made me cry.

I think all of this is absolutely hilarious. The comments make me laugh even harder. Especially people trying to make fun of TLP making fun of everyone.

Burke is correct, however, Canada easily out-chanced the USA. Miller owned that whole game, without a doubt.

Also, tonight on FOX, Brodeur announces his move to Major League Baseball.

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#39 OilFan
February 22 2010, 03:52PM
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The comment calling canadians idoits is really classy.

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#40 Tracie
February 22 2010, 03:54PM
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I can't argue about much that you say here...the funding for Olympics sports in the USA is much more than in Canada, even with the "Own the Podium" campaign so you should be winning more medals.

Your Bode Miller part just shows how ignorant you guys are. You disown him when he can't win anything and then embrace him again when he can win something. Congrats to him for shoving it up all of your asses and congrats to him for winning all those medals despite having his country shun him. You guys are worse then Oiler bandwagon jumpers! At least when Hollingsworth didn't win the medal we expected her to, she wasn't run out of the country or disowned, she was encouraged and congratulated.

And you can say all you want about the Canada-USA game, but at least Burke saw the game the way it was played. Good for Miller to step up and give you guys something you can talk about for the next 50 years.

You Americans can call us arrogant all you want. you win one game in 50 years against Canada and all of a sudden we're losers! I'd rather be a loser than an ignorant loud mouth!

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#41 Tape
February 22 2010, 03:58PM
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BUCK75 wrote:

We can't even beat the Americans in a photo finish in the ladies team X-Country Skiing. But we can beat them at curling...

THat's not really fair. The skip and vice skip of the US women's team were born in Canada and are probably showing some "true patriot love" if you know what I'm saying, and the men's team is from freaking Duluth, which still pledges allegiance to the Queen.

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#42 David S
February 22 2010, 04:41PM
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RossCreekNation wrote:

Did you know that TLP also writes for Puck Daddy (Yahoo! Sports)? He's kind of a big deal, you know ;-)

http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy?author=Ryan+Lambert

~THE Puck Daddy?~

~*faints in admiration*~

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#43 RossCreekNation
February 22 2010, 04:43PM
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As per DarrenDreger...

Canada's top two lines in practice..
61Nash51 Getzlaf 24 Perry
21 Staal 87 Crosby 12 Iginla

Me likes.

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#44 RossCreekNation
February 22 2010, 04:47PM
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@David S

That was geared toward the comment... No wonder he can't get a gig in the States, David S, if that is your real name.

*raises eyebrows*

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#45 RossCreekNation
February 22 2010, 04:53PM
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OilFan wrote:

They must like the same stuff every read. I'll check it out but judging from the last two aticles i don't think I will like it. It's not the USA vs Canada, I get the idea. Just over using it don't you think ?

Update checked it out, SAME OLD SAME OLD

I guess it isn't that hard to get a gig writing for sports blogs, you got one . LOL Joking!!

*** as i curse the flames fan in my head ***

I got a gig writing for a sports blog?

Ha! That's what you think. I just spike Wanye's drinks every once in a while and steal his laptop to post something when he's passed out. And sometimes I steal bingo's key's to this whole operation while he's attending to passed-out-Wanye.

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#46 OilFan
February 22 2010, 04:54PM
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RossCreekNation wrote:

As per DarrenDreger...

Canada's top two lines in practice..
61Nash51 Getzlaf 24 Perry
21 Staal 87 Crosby 12 Iginla

Me likes.

Yeah that looks good. I would like to see Heatly instead of Perry on the first line. Move Perry to play with Thorton.

You think?

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#47 OilFan
February 22 2010, 04:56PM
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RossCreekNation wrote:

I got a gig writing for a sports blog?

Ha! That's what you think. I just spike Wanye's drinks every once in a while and steal his laptop to post something when he's passed out. And sometimes I steal bingo's key's to this whole operation while he's attending to passed-out-Wanye.

Oh, now it make sense. Lol.

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#48 David S
February 22 2010, 05:08PM
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RossCreekNation wrote:

That was geared toward the comment... No wonder he can't get a gig in the States, David S, if that is your real name.

*raises eyebrows*

Yes. Yes it is.

*Nervously glances over shoulder*

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#49 RossCreekNation
February 22 2010, 05:13PM
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Daren Millard saying new PP unit - Crosby, Getzlaf & Perry.

I like this as well. It's too bad they couldn't play half a season or so in a Super League with these teams. Crosby with Getlaf & Perry makes some sense to me as does E. Staal with Sid. Both options I'd like to see, but there's so little time to tinker.

Imagine a 32 game schedule with these teams followed by a best-of-three playoff series. Wicked Cool!

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#50 jeanshorts
February 22 2010, 05:34PM
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If a could steal a line from an 16th century vicar:

"something something, counting, something chickens hatching, something"

You get the drift.

Also, is there a sight more lovely than Eve Muirhead?

A: No. Well, probably a gold medal in mens hockey.

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