FGD: Apparently The Season Starts Today?

bookofloob
October 11 2012 06:50PM

 

Well boys and girls, it's that time again: OPENING NIGHT HAPPY FUN TIME! Your Calgary Flames take on their classic foes, the Vancouver Suckiest Sucks Who Ever Sucked, and I don't know about you, but after what seemed like an especially long postseason, I could not be more excited for some down home professional hockey, the way it's supposed to be done.

Just as an aside, does it seem like all those exhibition games just didn't happen? I'm sure the Flames did pretty well, but I just can't remember how any of those games ended.

So here we are, opening night. The season is born anew like Gaia breathing the first breath of spring, ridding us of winter's frosty bite (looks outside...snow. Hmmm, that's weird). Hope springs eternal. Optimism abound. Not making the playoffs last year is a thing of the past, it's onwards and upwards. We're all starting at zero today, friends, and anything can happen over these next 82 games.

That said, it seems like no one is buying tickets for the game. It seems like the Saddledome faithful do not fancy the Flames chances this year, and are apparently boycotting something. Don't know what that's about.

The Flames 

Actually, I don't know, it seems like Coach Hartley hasn't released any kind of official looking lineup for tonight. In fact, I don't remember the Flames cutting any players down to Abbotsford. I'm just going to speculate on what the lineup is going to be based on past season's performances and preseason proficiency (assumed)

Tanguay - Cammalleri - Iginla

Roberts - Nieuwendyk - Fleury

Glencross - Yogi Bear - Uncle Joey from Full House

Jones - Jones - Jones

 

Bouwmeester - Giordano

MacGyver - MacInnis

Flying Pylon - Garfield

 

Kiprusoff

Sieve

Say what you will about chemistry, I'm not a big advocate of myself, but if you look down the roster, there's a lot of grit but not a whole lot of scoring, so one hopes that the Flames find the right line combinations that somehow catch fire and allow these charges to overachieve down the stretch this season.

Everyone is talking about the Mike Cammalleri at Center experiment and how that's going to go, but equally intriguing to me is the notion that Yogi Bear can also perform as the central pivot on the checking line. I'm told his skating ability has improved with excess training over the past few months, but I can't help but get past the criticisms that have dogged him over his whole career, most notably that he's A F#@$%&*G BEAR.

The Other Guys

Likewise, it seems Alain Vigneault hasn't set any lines, and the Canucks have yet to finalize their lineup as well. What is with these clowns, don't they know there's a whole season ahead of us to play?!?! The march to Stanley starts today and no one seems prepared. Some professionals, I know.

Anyway, the Canucks have been pretty good over the years and haven't had to make many lineup changes to remain competitive, so once again, it should be able to project their lineup, so that's what I'm going to do.

D. Sedin - H. Sedin - Who cares, some guy who will benefit from it

Despatie - Louganis - Orca

Schnepts - Messier - Linden

Bure's Knee - Guy Who Falls A Lot, Rather Suspiciously - Odjick

 

Bieksa - Hamhius

Baumgartner

Overturned Police Car - Smashed in Local Business

 

Luongo or Something

Cloutier

 

So that should work out pretty well for them. It's a solid blend of scoring, defense, being horizontal, and you know, intangibles. It'll be a tough egg for the Flames to crack, as the Sedins, predictably, should be the Sedins (My theory on this has always been that there is only one Sedin who is using some really elaborate smoke and mirror tricks to make it seem like there's two. I think the league should investigate this immediately, as it's not like they have anything better to do right now)

The Story

It's the first game of the year, it's a Division rival, it was a truly boring offseason where nothing of note happened, what's not to get excited about? I know the Canucks are a perennial powerhouse, and the Flames have been, let's say lacklustre over the past few campaigns, but I'll say this: The Canucks are all on steroids, Alex Burrows killed a guy in 1996 and has managed to escape justice, and Ryan Kesler gets pumped up by listening to light jazz and Robert Goulet and a light jazz album by Ryan Kesler and Robert Goulet with a guest appearance by Goulet's half brother, Michel Goulet. Also Roberto Luongo, I hear, cries. Kevin Bieksa in an unabashed fan of Whitney. In Sweden, a ponzi scheme is referred to as a "Sedin Brott".

And so forth.

Which, I guess, is to say that the Flames could win this one. They are wonderful, angelic young men with hearts of gold and sticks of fire. They will dole out justice on their deserved Pacific Coast nemesis, and who doesn't want to see that? Justice? I sure do. All I'm saying is that I promise this game won't be one we look back on and think "Wow, that game was so forgettable it's like it was never even played"

I promise.

 

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The Book of Loob is the Nation's resident expert in flim-flammery and twaddle. An unabashed Flames fan, when BoL is not intellectually bankrupting Flames Nation, he can be seen rooting for Blair Jones, often to excess, at Book of Loob. Follow him on twitter here.
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#1 Smitty
October 11 2012, 07:00PM
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Man. Even if there IS a season at some point this year, can you just write every FGD like this one?

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#2 T&A4Flames
October 11 2012, 07:13PM
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I hear that Yogi Bear guy is tricky, bit of a diver. But he's good at stealing the puck. Not sure his helmet is regulation.

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#3 Dean The Turk
October 12 2012, 04:29AM
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I'm still choked that they didn't get rid of that deadbeat, dead weight Uncle Joey from Full House. What is he, like 60 now? He'd look better in a Hawaiian shirt faking his way through a Beach Boys song on guitar with some old geezers trying to pretend they can still "skate".

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#4 sam67
October 12 2012, 10:07AM
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I hope that Yogi Bear steals the puck like he steals a Pic-a- nic basket!

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#5 Vintage Flame
October 12 2012, 10:28AM
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Dean The Turk wrote:

I'm still choked that they didn't get rid of that deadbeat, dead weight Uncle Joey from Full House. What is he, like 60 now? He'd look better in a Hawaiian shirt faking his way through a Beach Boys song on guitar with some old geezers trying to pretend they can still "skate".

What actually makes this really funny, is that John Stamos went on tour with the Beach Boys and played drums for them.

True story, I saw them all at Canada Olympic Park perform one year. The only thing more sad than Stamos playing drums for the Beach Boys was Brian Wilson finally returning to the stage to sing... and not remembering the words to his own songs.

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#6 Constable_Wiggum
October 12 2012, 11:04AM
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Breaking Pre-Game News! Flying Pylon, along with Sieve, were just traded to the Nottingham Panthers from the BIH for Monty Python. The giant foot from the opening sequence is expected to get the start in net.

Jones, Jones and Jones have all been shipped down the AHL. The new fourth line will consist of Eric Idle, John Cleese and zombie Graham Chapman.

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#7 Ryan Pike
October 12 2012, 11:40AM
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EA Sports is simming all the games.

Flames beat Canucks 6-3.

SUCK IT VANCOUVER.

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#8 Geoff
October 12 2012, 11:43AM
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Call me a pessimist, but I have a feeling there's no way we're going to win this one. We might get a tie, but a win? No way. In fact, I'm so certain we won't win that I doubt I'm even going to watch it.

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#10 Domebeers.com
October 12 2012, 01:21PM
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lulz.

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#11 rubbertrout
October 12 2012, 02:51PM
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Vintage Flame wrote:

What actually makes this really funny, is that John Stamos went on tour with the Beach Boys and played drums for them.

True story, I saw them all at Canada Olympic Park perform one year. The only thing more sad than Stamos playing drums for the Beach Boys was Brian Wilson finally returning to the stage to sing... and not remembering the words to his own songs.

He went to a little place called "KOKOMO".

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#12 mikeH
October 12 2012, 03:17PM
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GO BLAIR JONES!!!

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#13 schevvy
October 12 2012, 04:00PM
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Much maligned Dennis Wideman kicked his season off with a 2-goal performance, which led the Flames to a 6-3 beat down of the Vancouver Divers. Goals from Jarome Iginla, Lee Stempniak, Tim Jackman and Alex Tanguay aided the Flames victory. Miikka Kiprusoff had a solid game for the win.

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#14 walkinvisible
October 12 2012, 04:07PM
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i really like the look of the flames' fourth line.

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#15 Baalzamon
October 12 2012, 06:54PM
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@schevvy

my question is why Babchuk was on the roster? I know it's EA, but even they should know he's terrible.

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#16 RKD
October 15 2012, 10:42PM
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That was funny, sorry to burst everyone's bubble and I have to admit I watched Full House. I was in NY in August and saw John Stamos on Broadway. He really hasn't aged one bit, he still be rockstar Uncle Jesse. And for the record, he's 49 not 60.

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