Another Completely True and Not Made Up Interview With Barry Brust

bookofloob
November 16 2012 10:12AM

A couple of weeks ago, we published a 100% not fabricated interview with Barry Brust (for the purposes of this piece, "not fabricrated" means absolutely contrived from the brain of BoL, so keep that in mind). It went over well. We were offered a glimpse into the darkest reaches of his soul, learned that he kills people in his spare time, likes Tim Hortons free wi-fi, and is generally just a swell dude. We may have intimated that he's a touch crazy with a penchant for spontaenous violence, but hey, none of us are perfect.

Further to that, things have been going extremely well for the pride of Swan River, Manitoba. He's coming off back to back shutouts over the Lake Erie Monsters, and has only let in 1 goal in 4 games over the course of the 2012-13 AHL campaign. Safe to say that this has made him a bit of a cult hero in Abbotsford and Calgary Flames circles, and Brusty is really flying high right now taking the whole thing in. Truly it has never been a better time to be Barry Brust, goaltender and entertainer, and he approached us here at FlamesNation for a follow up interview while he's riding this hot streak.

Reluctantly, I have agreed to do oblige him, for while I am a proud soldier in the Brussian Army (copyright 2012 bookofloob), last time we spoke, he did end up Superman diving me in the throat. I'm still using a respirator. But what Barry wants, Barry gets, because being the timid, little men we all are here at the Nation, we pretty much bent over and gave him what he wants.

Read on after the jump to catch the follow up with the legendary Barry Brust!

Barry the Hatchet

BoL: Hey Barry, thanks for joining us today. Things are going so well for you right now, we assume you're pretty busy, and we appreciate your time.

BB: All good dude. Why are you wearing a neck protector and 1970's style goalie mask?

BoL: Well Barry, that's because you physically attacked me last time, and I'd like to be able to defend myself in case it happens again

BB: I attacked you?  I don't recall that. Are you sure?

BoL: You lunged out of your seat and punched me in the neck.

BB: I attack so many people that way, you'll have to be more specific.

BoL: Well when it happened, the guy you attacked looked exactly like me. Except without the head and neck protection.

BB: Oh right! Okay, I remember now. So I get the helmet, that makes sense, but why are you wearing a dress?

BoL: So Barry, you're coming off back to back shutouts, things are really coming up Millhouse for you these days...

It Was the Brust of Times

BB: Yeah, I'm pretty great. I'm just seeing the puck really well, and my defense has done a masterful job of keeping opposing forwards out of my crease. It sure does feel good winning and getting these shutouts, though. The last time I felt this high was when I was in space.

BoL: Space? You've been to space?

BB: Yeah, in 1970. I went up in an Apollo Shuttle with Kevin Bacon.

BoL: Kevin Bacon, the actor?

BB: And astronaut, yeah.

BoL: I'm pretty sure that right now you are trying to tell me that you are Academy Award winning actor Tom Hanks in the blockbuster hit movie Apollo 13. Am I getting this right?

BB: Dude, I'm Barry Brust. If I say I went to space with Kevin Bacon in 1970, who are you to refute it?

BoL: Well that's something we can both agree on, and congratulations on making it home alive. But let's talk about 2012. You're on fire this season, pardon the pun. I ju...

BB: I hate all puns unless they're barely clever play on words of my name. don't ever do that again.

BoL: Yes sir, I just...I...

BB: I'm Brust kidding dude! Lighten up. Ask your question.

BoL (trying not to cry): I just want to know if you're preparing for games any different these days than you did in your career previously. I mean, you're going through one of the best stretches of goaltending in your entire career. Is that partly luck, or are you doing anything special to get dialed in.

BB: Well, after I left Germany, I felt a little lost. I had played pretty well out there, I thought, but my future seemed in doubt, I didn't think they were going to bring me back. I was dejected. My aura went from a green to a neon yellow. I was about ready to walk away from the game for good.

I remember the moment that changed my life so clearly, I had come home to Swan River, Manitoba, HI MOM AND DAD AND ALL MY RUSSIAN ROULETTE BOYS UNDERNEATH THE BRIDGE, to help work on the family farm. One day I was out tilling the fields, with my bare hands, I just like how it feels, whatever, when this vagrant hobo came plodding through and accidentally got his ankle caught in one of my freshly laid possum traps.

I just sat there as he thrashed about, pathetically wailing "GET THIS TRAP OFF MY LEG DUDE!" For 6 months. Then the lack of food and water caught up to him and he died. I used to eat my afternoon snack watching him struggle. I guess I could have helped, but he was pretty dirty and I didn't want to touch him.

But I'll tell you what, the farm's rutabaga crop produced record yields that season, and I think the fertile, alcohol soaked nutrients of that homeless dude helped the growing process along, which is why we had such lush, delicious rutabaga that year.

That has stuck with me ever since. I was given the opportunity to get my career back on track here in Abbotsford, and I remember driving to the arena for some workouts, thinking "this is my last chance, I'm done if this doesn't work out", and I was preoccupied trying to think of a way to impress the coaches, when I ended up slamming my Buick into another hobo. Just absolutely lit this bastard up. I was picking pieces of him off of my grill, when a vision of those rutabagas popped into my head. That's when it struck me: Hobo nutrients.

So I dusted off that hobo, dragged him behind the rink, and proceeded to eat the meatiest parts still attached to his body. Not only was it delicious, but it really charged my batteries. I think there was a dash of meth in there that really brought out the flavour too, so that was a nice bonus.

So I guess that's my secret now. I kill and eat a bum before every game. Goalies are creatures of habit, some would say wildly superstitious, and I guess as long as this is working out for me, I'll keep picking the flesh off hobo bones until it stops being effective.

Also, I've really been working on my lateral movement, so that probably has something to do with it, too.

BoL: I called the cops halfway through that story, so we've only got time for a few more questions, Barry.

Brustin' The Mold

BoL: Barry, you're arguably the best goalie on the Heat right now, but you're not officially affiliated with the club's NHL affiliate in Calgary. If your play down the stretch is anywhere near as impressive as it is right now, would you try to put some pressure on the Flames to sign you? As of now, you've basically taken a job away from incumbent "Goalie of the Future" Leland Irving, who many believe would have been backing up Miikka Kiprusoff this year had there not been a lockout.

Is getting back into the NHL your biggest goal right now, be it with the Flames or on another team?

BB: I'd love to get back to the NHL for sure. I played in Los Angeles for a while, and that was a hell of an experience. I really enjoyed playing in LA. I got to stalk so many celebrities. I dated Catherine Zeta-Jones for a while, but it started to affect my play, so I had to break it off. Not a lot of people know about that one. She still calls me all the time. It's really sad. She's a married woman.

Miikka Kiprusoff is an outstanding goalie. I'd love to come back to the NHL and play with the Flames, but there's a logjam in that crease, and I wonder how much I'd have to fight for playing time. I mean, if I killed ALL the goalies in the Flame system right now, that would end up looking really suspicious, and I don't need the cops sniffing around my compound again.

BoL: I want to take a second and ask you a question about your teammate, Krys Kolanos.

BB: You want to ask about the nickname, don't you?

BoL: No, it's not that. He just recently became the franchise's all time leading scorer, and I was wondering if...

BB: Dude, come on.

BoL: The Unit?!?! Are you funking kidding me? Rumour has it he came up with that nickname itself, which is a game misconduct, by the way, but if you're making up a nickname, why that one?

BB: I know man, I know. Krys Kolanos is absolutely crazy, and that is the dumbest nickname I've ever heard of, next to my old high school buddy Onion Junk. We used to call him Joshua, which he absolutely hated. But "The Unit" is right up there for faux pas nicknames. You'd never catch a guy like me doing something that. Krys is a character though, not a normal boring dude like me. And he has cool hair.

BoL: Well Barry, I'd like to thank you for answering my questions here today. I assume we're out of time because you're putting on your jacket and walking away from me.

BB: (inaudible reply)

 

01f20cee6c900dc633fe87a421630f41
The Book of Loob is the Nation's resident expert in flim-flammery and twaddle. An unabashed Flames fan, when BoL is not intellectually bankrupting Flames Nation, he can be seen rooting for Blair Jones, often to excess, at Book of Loob. Follow him on twitter here.
Avatar
#2 mikeH
November 16 2012, 11:21AM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

"Joshua" - I almost fell off my chair.

Avatar
#3 Steve
November 16 2012, 12:55PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

Is it just me, or is he that guy that lives in a van down by the river?

Avatar
#4 Bean-counting cowboy
November 16 2012, 01:30PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

So politically incorrect. Why can't I stop giggling?

Avatar
#5 Bean-counting cowboy
November 16 2012, 01:35PM
Trash it!
0
trashes
+1
0
props

BTW, are you sure this interview wasn't with Bryzgalov? Some of the stuff in there sounded a lot like him.

Comments are closed for this article.