GDB 04: THE BATTLE OF ALBERTA

Wanye
January 26 2013 12:11PM

We have a little tradition here at the Nation Network. They who win the Battle of Alberta writes the next GDB on both sites. So buckle up Flames Fans because you are going to get it and we are going to give it to you.

For far too long Edmontonians and Calgarians have battled back and forth with the same old witty jabs and name calling.  Calgary has one Cup - a bra has two. Edmonton has no running water or intelligence of any sort. You have the Stampede, we have a free hot dog lunch in the parking lot of Bonnie Doon shopping mall. Yeah, yeah yeah. We get it.

This time around we are dispensing with the usual insults and getting to the heart of the matter of what is really wrong with you Calgary.

THIS IS US - THIS IS YOU

Oooooh. We get it Calgary. You are the rich neighbours to the South with all of your money and power and fancy high rise buildings. Everyone understands that at some point in the mid 90s all of our businesses picked up and moved down Highway 2. Well guess what? We were like 8 years old when that happened. Didn't care then - didn't care now.

Frankly you did us a favour Calgary. We will never figure out how jedi mind tricked the bulk of our corporate douchebags to pack up their drycleaned belongings and move three hours away but we thank you.

And while we watch the game tonight and see a bunch of non-plussed suit types sitting on their hands in the Saddledome in jerseys that still have their tags on we will thank the Gods that none of them are up here pretending to be Oilers fans anymore.

Good riddance.

US v YOU

Speaking of Flames fans where have they gone? We seem to remember a whole mess of people filing into your Red Mile during your ill fated Cup run. People all over the were quick to cheer for "KIPPPPPERRRRRRRR" and "IGGGGGYYY" and Company. And yet nowdays there don't seem to be nearly as many people up repping the flaming C.

That's probably because the bulk of people following aren't really Flames fans. They are sports consumers. When the milk is fresh you are all happy to have a glass. When the milk goes sour - no one will come within a hundred miles.

Contrast that with Edmonton. We have been drinking sour milk for so long we have developed a taste for it. In fact many of us now prefer it. Doesn't matter if the Oilers finish in last place every year until the end of time. Oilers fans are in the business of living and dying with the team. Anyone with any hockey sense at all would have abandoned this team years ago and yet here we are millions strong all around the world.

And luckily the Oil are on the verge of being awesome. While Calgary is going to gently float down to the bottom of the league until your 33 NTCs expire in 2035.

STILL US STILL YOU

Looking at your roster - who is there even to get excited about?! Iginla in the prime of the twilight of his fine career? Pfft. Steve Begin? Jiri Hudler? Who the hell are any of these old bastards anyway? There is literally not a single player on your entire roster that we could possibly get excited about. Anyone skilled is old. Anyone young is marginal. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

We remember when we were trying to convince ourselves that players like Roman Cervenka were going to be the answer. Our Cervenka had names like Cole and O'Sullivan. We hoped and prayed late into the night that they could find something deep down within themselves and become awesome. And guess what - it didn't work.

It never works. Your roster was built around a core and that core expired about 4 years ago. Now you are like the guy who went all in on a 5-3 offsuit with a hunch "things were going to look better after the flop." Well the flop came up all Kings and now you have nothing left to do but play out your hand.

And lose.

Losers.

AND SO IN CLOSING

There is literally nothing you can do to win this battle Flames fans. Even if the Oilers lose (and they may) they are still the far superior team and we both know it. Even if the Flames win by 10 goals it will be no more satisfying than being given a free shrimp cocktail at a banquet on the Titanic. You are headed to the bottom and everyone on board is starting to sense disaster.

And there isn't an insult in the book you can lob our way that will have any impact. Yes we are  your hillbilly cousins up Highway 2. We are eternal optimists who have had a crap team and lacked the brain stem or the reality check to realize it. Now after being rewarded for coming in last for so long we have an embarassment of riches for a lineup and 18 year old Russian superstars sliding all over while we lose our drunken minds in celebration.

Its all happening up here and nothing is happening down there and you would be madder except that most of your bandwagon jumping fans have left long ago. Perhaps we should lend you the terms "ELPH" and "Shitanusly bad hockey." They got us through some dark days.

Oh and it's Wayne Gretzky's birthday today. Remember him?

GAME DAY PREDICTION: This is as easy to predict as getting some drunk Calgary tramp girl to flash her boobs during the only Cup run Calgarians will witness in the next two decades...Oilers win 5-2.

OBVIOUS GAME DAY PREDICTION: One thing Flames and Oiler fans can agree on is it is great not having Mark Lee call the game on HNIC. Also buckle up it could be a long game with Tom Kowal and Greg Kimmerly reffing the game. They are as blind as the guys who thought every Calgary tramp girl who flashed on the red mile was hot.

NOT-SO-OBVIOUS GAME DAY PREDICTION: During the second period one of the mics at ice level picks up the audio from a conversation between Jarome Iginla and Jordan Eberle.

"Hey Ebs, tell Tambo I'd gladly waive my non-trade clause and come play with you guys." Eberle smiles and replies, "You betcha, but I hope you are okay playing on the 2nd line." Iginla smiles, "No problem, at least I'd have a chance to make the playoffs again." Within moment the Nations blow up with talk of a possible trade. Flames fans start calling him "Judas", while Oiler fans calmly sit back knowing that Iginla speaks the truth.

Thanks to Gregor for giving me his Game Day Predictions

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#2 Bicepus Maximus - Huge fan boy!
January 26 2013, 12:12PM
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FIST BEATDOWN OF THE FLAMES COMING UP IN 8 HOURS!

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#3 Puritania
January 26 2013, 12:48PM
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OMG I COME ONTO MY FAN SITE AND AM TOLD TO EAT SH*T? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE. WHO LET THIS CLOWN WRITE AN ARTICLE? THE OWNER OF THIS SITE WOULD BE PISSED IF HE SAW THIS TRAVESTY!

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#4 jeanshorts
January 26 2013, 03:02PM
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So this is Gretzmas

And what haven't you done?

Another year older

Four cups you've won.

And so this is Gretzmas

I hope you had fun

You are The Great One

You still look pretty young

HAVE A VERY MERRY GRETZMAS

And a happy new year

Let's hope it's a good one

For the Oilers we'll cheer!

MERRY F'N GRETZMAS YOU GUYS!!

GOILERS!!!! EAT SH*T FLAMES!!!

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#5 Johe
January 26 2013, 01:03PM
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It's January and Calgary doesn't have a win! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahabahahahaha!

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#6 yawto
January 26 2013, 01:12PM
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Sincity1976 wrote:

I think you forgot the game part of the game day thread. What an Edmonton like thing to do.

In terms of the rest, Calgary is a bigger/nicer/better city ... check. Calgary spends less time on the internet ... okay. The Flames are built around an expired core ... no kidding. The Oiler's have sucked so long that they are immune to insults and like sour milk ... good for you.

Can I have my three minutes back?

Can I have my three minutes back? Bet you hear that often.

Hopefully your team does a better job at competing than you do at trying to be witty. #flamessuck

Oiler domination to follow.

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#7 Pharmboy
January 26 2013, 03:25PM
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ANYONE STILL THINK WE SHOULD HAVE PICKED MURRAY? HELLO? ANYONE?

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#8 Mike Krushelnyski
January 26 2013, 12:34PM
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I have stared into the face of your nightmare, Calgary. It has big teeth and its name is Taylor.

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#9 Archaeologuy
January 26 2013, 01:21PM
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Who remembers this?

“I’m sorry — Edmonton finished where last year, caller? Want to wager on where we finish relative to Edmonton this year? I’m tired of this question, I’ll tell you very honestly. I’m getting a little sour. How many teams . . . every year, for the last 10 years, five years, eight years, have finished in the bottom five, bottom seven, bottom 10? They’ve had a pick anywhere from No. 1 to No. 10 year after year after year after year, and they still wander in the desert. And they’re no closer to getting out than they were 10 years ago. “You know what? I look forward to the Battle of Alberta for the next X number of years. If the idea is, ‘Burn it to the ground,’ then Ken can find another manager to do it.”

Turns out "X" stands for "1" in that Feaster equation.

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#10 Chris.
January 26 2013, 01:25PM
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Game Day Prediction: The Flames dominate the first period but fail to score; then they lose the game in the second period when they allow 4 goals in a three minute span. Classic Flames Hockey. 6-2 Oiler final.

Obvious Game Day Prediction: The 10 or so Flames fans in attendance tonight who remeber the 1991 Game 6 Theo Fleury celebration will boo Yakupov for being better than Fleury in every way. Midway through the 3rd, this small, sad group of fans will go off to their homes and cry themselves to sleep still clutching baggies of viagra medication that no longer does anything for them.

Not-So-Obvious Game Day Prediction: Iginla scores a meaningless goal early in the third period and the stupid Flame Kettle gets full on stuck melting a giant hole in the ice right at the Flame blueline. Despite this: Calgary still cannot defend the Oiler transition game.

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#11 IBleedOil
January 26 2013, 01:44PM
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There really needs to be a "/drops mic" at the end of that article.

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#13 Smytty's Jibs
January 26 2013, 12:12PM
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Edited with love by Wanye

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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#14 Smytty's Jibs
January 26 2013, 12:43PM
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"Also buckle up it could be a long game with Tom Kowal and Greg Kimmerly effing the game."

I'm not sure if you meant to say "reffing" or not. "Effing" is probably gonna be more accurate.

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#16 vetinari
January 26 2013, 04:57PM
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Q: How are the Calgary Flames like a high school dropout?

A: Both have no goals and absolutely no prospects.

Q2: How are the Flames like the Titanic?

A2: They both looked good until they hit the ice.

Q3: Why doesn't FlamesNation have a better website?

A3: Because it's impossible for them to string three W's together...

GO OILERS! Oil 6 - Flames 3

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#17 CopperBlueBalls
January 26 2013, 12:21PM
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The Flames are winners of giant piles of dog crap. :) I ALWAYS HAVE TO KICK WANYE OUT OF THE PINT DT BECAUSE HE GIVES FLAMES FANS THE PEOPLES ELBOW.

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#18 Wax Man Riley
January 26 2013, 01:36PM
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Travis Dakin wrote:

8 years old in the mid 90's?

#math

I know math!

I was 8 years old when The Oilers won their 4th cup! That is 2 full bras worth of cups!

Here is more math: What does 0-2-1 equal??

The Flames winless season! hahahaa

#Eatsh!tFlames

#Math

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#19 Harlie
January 26 2013, 01:43PM
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that guy is taking the Mr.T starter kit to a whole new level.

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#20 DieHard
January 26 2013, 02:53PM
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Wheeler wrote:

Curious.. does anyone think the second and third lines should be shaken up? Like move Paajarvi to the second line at LW so Yak can play his natural position at RW? And move Hemsky to the third line with Smyth and Horcoff.

NO. Keep Horcoff away from Hemsky.

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#21 A-Mc
January 26 2013, 04:12PM
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Its almost time.

Time for epic sax guy's return to Oilers Nation! #staytuned

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#23 Mark-LW
January 26 2013, 12:21PM
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#EatSh!tFlames

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#24 Rama Lama
January 26 2013, 12:34PM
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I live in Calgary and cheer for Edmonton! The last thing I want to see is gloating after three games of hockey.

Nothing needs to be said, everyone in Calgary is aware that the Oilers are re-building with youth.

What made the rivalry special back when the " real Wayne", was dominating, was that both teams were really good! We should be praying that Calgary improves so we can once again experience the best hockey played in the world!

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#25 Smytty's Jibs
January 26 2013, 12:35PM
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@FireOnIce

HEY! I DONT LIKE YOUR TEAM VERY MUCH!

ALSO, YOU SMELL!

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#26 Gerald R. Ford
January 26 2013, 12:40PM
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Possibly the greatest GDB ever. It's only sullied by the peripheral reference to P.O.S., whose vile name I thought had been forever stricken from the Nation's records. Someone should get on that...

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#27 thebigtrain
January 26 2013, 01:35PM
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From a Flames fans perspective, that is a hilarious article, and painstakingly true on all accounts. Hopefully the $8 beer will be cold tonight, as it may be needed.

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#28 Gerald R. Ford
January 26 2013, 01:41PM
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K_Mart wrote:

Happy birthday Gretz, also my pops' bday today.

Also. WHERE DID IGINLA GET THAT AXE??

That's not Iginla. It's a composite photo of what all those hookers who lined up on the Red Mile in '04 look like today.

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Hey hey c'mon, let's not clog up this tread with line-ups commentary. Only one topic today: Flames suck!

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#30 David S
January 26 2013, 03:09PM
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Wheeler wrote:

Curious.. does anyone think the second and third lines should be shaken up? Like move Paajarvi to the second line at LW so Yak can play his natural position at RW? And move Hemsky to the third line with Smyth and Horcoff.

The Yak/Gagner/Hemsky line is starting to kill it. Why would you break them up? Sorry but PRV is not a fit for that line. Not yet anyways.

Also, it is well known that dissing Hemsky here might mean you have to fight Travis Dakin. He's been workin' out these days, so maybe not the best idea.

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#31 Oiler Al
January 26 2013, 03:14PM
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@bookofloob

I think your dreaming, what you really mean is your trailer at Sylvan Lake.

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#32 Smytty's Jibs
January 26 2013, 06:20PM
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@bookofloob

It seems to me like youve got a real ship on your shoulder. I think you take your freedom to post whatever you feel on the internet for granite. Maybe some restrictions would be a blessing in the skies.

I mean, sure, we all put our favorite players on a petal stool, but they are honestly just a bunch of pre-Madonnas and i fear that we are becoming pre-Madonnas as well.

Just a thought.

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#33 Jordan Nugent-Hallkins
January 26 2013, 12:23PM
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I can't wait another 8 hours...

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#34 K_Mart
January 26 2013, 12:26PM
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Happy birthday Gretz, also my pops' bday today.

Also. WHERE DID IGINLA GET THAT AXE??

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#35 geoilersgist
January 26 2013, 12:46PM
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THIS WAS AMAZING GO OILERS!!!

#EATSH!TFLAMES

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#36 coco crisp
January 26 2013, 01:24PM
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@Graham

Patrick O'Sullivan is accurate.

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#37 Eric Johnson
January 26 2013, 01:57PM
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I LOVE BONNIE DOON MALL!

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#38 OilClog
January 26 2013, 03:06PM
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@Get a life

Go leafs? Hell the leafs wish they were the Islanders. Hey everyone let's trade for Phaneuf and Kessel and continue to suck.. Wait let's get Lupul too!!

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#39 David S
January 26 2013, 03:21PM
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Wanye wrote:

1. No

2. I dropped out in Grade 6

3. I am 6 foot 3

4. Thanks

5. Clown

Having said all of that I respect you for having the hardest chirps back so far. KISS ME YOU FOOL

6. *SLAP*

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#40 Charlie
January 26 2013, 03:24PM
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Merry Gretzmas Nation! Oilers got this in the bag, no worries.

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#41 KetchupKid
January 26 2013, 06:25PM
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Prediction: Early in the third period, a whistle stops the play. After a brief word with the Calgary bench, one of the linesmen takes measurements of Ryan Smyth's nose and discovers that it does, in fact, have an illegal curvature. Calgary scores on the ensuing power play, goes on to win the game, and all is right in the Albertan universe. You heard it here first!

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#42 Bonvie
January 27 2013, 01:19AM
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@keilan

I sure wasn't. Hall is already an elite player, and in the next 44 games watch him carefully to see why. He is having such a slow start he only has a point per game and a +3.

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#43 Lowetide
January 26 2013, 12:23PM
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Two epic posts from Wanye in 24 hours, but this one is majestic. Holy. The photos alone are stunning.

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#44 Crispy
January 26 2013, 12:29PM
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Wow is ON the only nation anyone reads? There are barely any comments on the Canucks, leafs, and jets articles as well.

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#45 Kent Wilson
January 26 2013, 12:33PM
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FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

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#46 Travis Dakin
January 26 2013, 12:35PM
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8 years old in the mid 90's?

#math

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#47 justDOit
January 26 2013, 12:50PM
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GDP: I'm going to hear more Maroon 5 being played over the saddledome ghetto-blaster between plays.

NSOGDP: My mute button gets the lettering worn off tonight.

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#48 And now a yak...
January 26 2013, 12:58PM
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Chill out Flames fans...here's something to look forward to tonight

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4mjUTBXnPQ

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#49 Derzie
January 26 2013, 01:02PM
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As a Flames fan (sigh), this smack talk is straight up brilliant. Touche' my hillbilly friend. Touche'.

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#50 Dave
January 26 2013, 01:03PM
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@RKD

You're only making it harder for yourself. Yeah, Dubnyk had 1 bad period, but the Flames haven't won a *single game* this season and the future only looks bleaker. Pretty hilarious that your going at us for one bad period without any wins. Although while we are talking about solid defense: did you know the Flames have given up more goals than the Oilers?

Also, I liked how you crapped on us for our "bad" game against the Kings where they paralyzed us with good solid defense yet we actually scored more goals than they did. Count on a Flames fan to praise great defense of a losing team in a 2-1 game... you've forgotten what winning looks like.

But seriously: best of luck drafting Nathan MacKinnon - he's a dynamic player - the sort of guy you could get excited about.

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