GDB 04: THE BATTLE OF ALBERTA

Wanye
January 26 2013 12:11PM

We have a little tradition here at the Nation Network. They who win the Battle of Alberta writes the next GDB on both sites. So buckle up Flames Fans because you are going to get it and we are going to give it to you.

For far too long Edmontonians and Calgarians have battled back and forth with the same old witty jabs and name calling.  Calgary has one Cup - a bra has two. Edmonton has no running water or intelligence of any sort. You have the Stampede, we have a free hot dog lunch in the parking lot of Bonnie Doon shopping mall. Yeah, yeah yeah. We get it.

This time around we are dispensing with the usual insults and getting to the heart of the matter of what is really wrong with you Calgary.

THIS IS US - THIS IS YOU

Oooooh. We get it Calgary. You are the rich neighbours to the South with all of your money and power and fancy high rise buildings. Everyone understands that at some point in the mid 90s all of our businesses picked up and moved down Highway 2. Well guess what? We were like 8 years old when that happened. Didn't care then - didn't care now.

Frankly you did us a favour Calgary. We will never figure out how jedi mind tricked the bulk of our corporate douchebags to pack up their drycleaned belongings and move three hours away but we thank you.

And while we watch the game tonight and see a bunch of non-plussed suit types sitting on their hands in the Saddledome in jerseys that still have their tags on we will thank the Gods that none of them are up here pretending to be Oilers fans anymore.

Good riddance.

US v YOU

Speaking of Flames fans where have they gone? We seem to remember a whole mess of people filing into your Red Mile during your ill fated Cup run. People all over the were quick to cheer for "KIPPPPPERRRRRRRR" and "IGGGGGYYY" and Company. And yet nowdays there don't seem to be nearly as many people up repping the flaming C.

That's probably because the bulk of people following aren't really Flames fans. They are sports consumers. When the milk is fresh you are all happy to have a glass. When the milk goes sour - no one will come within a hundred miles.

Contrast that with Edmonton. We have been drinking sour milk for so long we have developed a taste for it. In fact many of us now prefer it. Doesn't matter if the Oilers finish in last place every year until the end of time. Oilers fans are in the business of living and dying with the team. Anyone with any hockey sense at all would have abandoned this team years ago and yet here we are millions strong all around the world.

And luckily the Oil are on the verge of being awesome. While Calgary is going to gently float down to the bottom of the league until your 33 NTCs expire in 2035.

STILL US STILL YOU

Looking at your roster - who is there even to get excited about?! Iginla in the prime of the twilight of his fine career? Pfft. Steve Begin? Jiri Hudler? Who the hell are any of these old bastards anyway? There is literally not a single player on your entire roster that we could possibly get excited about. Anyone skilled is old. Anyone young is marginal. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

We remember when we were trying to convince ourselves that players like Roman Cervenka were going to be the answer. Our Cervenka had names like Cole and O'Sullivan. We hoped and prayed late into the night that they could find something deep down within themselves and become awesome. And guess what - it didn't work.

It never works. Your roster was built around a core and that core expired about 4 years ago. Now you are like the guy who went all in on a 5-3 offsuit with a hunch "things were going to look better after the flop." Well the flop came up all Kings and now you have nothing left to do but play out your hand.

And lose.

Losers.

AND SO IN CLOSING

There is literally nothing you can do to win this battle Flames fans. Even if the Oilers lose (and they may) they are still the far superior team and we both know it. Even if the Flames win by 10 goals it will be no more satisfying than being given a free shrimp cocktail at a banquet on the Titanic. You are headed to the bottom and everyone on board is starting to sense disaster.

And there isn't an insult in the book you can lob our way that will have any impact. Yes we are  your hillbilly cousins up Highway 2. We are eternal optimists who have had a crap team and lacked the brain stem or the reality check to realize it. Now after being rewarded for coming in last for so long we have an embarassment of riches for a lineup and 18 year old Russian superstars sliding all over while we lose our drunken minds in celebration.

Its all happening up here and nothing is happening down there and you would be madder except that most of your bandwagon jumping fans have left long ago. Perhaps we should lend you the terms "ELPH" and "Shitanusly bad hockey." They got us through some dark days.

Oh and it's Wayne Gretzky's birthday today. Remember him?

GAME DAY PREDICTION: This is as easy to predict as getting some drunk Calgary tramp girl to flash her boobs during the only Cup run Calgarians will witness in the next two decades...Oilers win 5-2.

OBVIOUS GAME DAY PREDICTION: One thing Flames and Oiler fans can agree on is it is great not having Mark Lee call the game on HNIC. Also buckle up it could be a long game with Tom Kowal and Greg Kimmerly reffing the game. They are as blind as the guys who thought every Calgary tramp girl who flashed on the red mile was hot.

NOT-SO-OBVIOUS GAME DAY PREDICTION: During the second period one of the mics at ice level picks up the audio from a conversation between Jarome Iginla and Jordan Eberle.

"Hey Ebs, tell Tambo I'd gladly waive my non-trade clause and come play with you guys." Eberle smiles and replies, "You betcha, but I hope you are okay playing on the 2nd line." Iginla smiles, "No problem, at least I'd have a chance to make the playoffs again." Within moment the Nations blow up with talk of a possible trade. Flames fans start calling him "Judas", while Oiler fans calmly sit back knowing that Iginla speaks the truth.

Thanks to Gregor for giving me his Game Day Predictions

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Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#201 yomamen11
January 26 2013, 08:52PM
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Looks like Cammy finally shake that rust off his legs

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#202 schevvy
January 26 2013, 08:52PM
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J. Shultz is playing well, best skater early on in my eyes

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#203 ChinookArch
January 26 2013, 08:53PM
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At least there will be no telus commercials tonight.

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#204 negrilcowboy
January 26 2013, 08:54PM
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gotta keep movin their feeet

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#205 OilClog
January 26 2013, 08:54PM
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How about diving? He launched like a firecracker in a brown eye.

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#206 schevvy
January 26 2013, 08:54PM
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Why the hell do coaches insist on putting Tanguay on the point?

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#207 Kent Wilson
January 26 2013, 08:56PM
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@schevvy

I have no idea. It has never worked.

I also wish Hartley would give the 2nd unit a bit more time.

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#208 schevvy
January 26 2013, 08:56PM
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Yes!!!

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#209 ChinookArch
January 26 2013, 08:56PM
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Thank St. Albert.

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#210 schevvy
January 26 2013, 08:57PM
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J-BO

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#211 Kent Wilson
January 26 2013, 08:57PM
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Dubnyk!

Thanks for spotting the Flames another one pal.

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#212 Kent Wilson
January 26 2013, 08:58PM
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Thanks for dressing Hordichuk as well Edmonton.

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#213 Oilersfan4
January 26 2013, 09:01PM
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Where is Ben Eager? Did he get a concussion in that fight,probably needed stitches for sure but that shouldn't keep him out.Just wondering cause I think I would prefer Eager in the line up tonight than Paajarvi.

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#214 schevvy
January 26 2013, 09:01PM
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Has Oilers Nation gone silent?..

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#215 negrilcowboy
January 26 2013, 09:03PM
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i think simmer is better than hrudey

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#216 ChinookArch
January 26 2013, 09:03PM
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schevvy wrote:

Has Oilers Nation gone silent?..

Let's hope so.

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#217 Smokey
January 26 2013, 09:04PM
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Man how many friggin penalties and bad goals are the Oilers going to give up this year

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#218 Skidplate
January 26 2013, 09:04PM
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Woot

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#219 schevvy
January 26 2013, 09:05PM
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schevvy wrote:

Has Oilers Nation gone silent?..

I blame me

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#220 RKD
January 26 2013, 09:05PM
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I am loving this! 2-0 Flames Backlund and Bouwmeester scoring, keep it up boys we need the win badly.

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#221 Kent Wilson
January 26 2013, 09:05PM
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Kipper just wanted to match Dubnyk in spotting the bad guys a softy apparently.

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#222 Skidplate
January 26 2013, 09:05PM
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Nice screen Horc

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#223 Oilertown
January 26 2013, 09:05PM
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Sooooo Schultzy haha. No garbage goals from our team. Haha.

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#224 Smokey
January 26 2013, 09:07PM
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schevvy wrote:

Has Oilers Nation gone silent?..

Lol, ya right. Bad first periods are an Oilers norm. You haven't read the script.

Oh yeah, that Justin "we did not draft" Schultz, with the howitzer. Ya, you'll hate him for the next 15 years like Coffey.

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#225 Kent Wilson
January 26 2013, 09:07PM
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I had the chances 6-4 in favor of the Oilers. I didn't count the Bouwmeester or Schultz goals as true scoring chances.

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#226 Jordan Nugent-Hallkins
January 26 2013, 09:08PM
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Hall looks like he's feeling it tonight, one each from Hall and Nuge in the second.

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#227 Dennis
January 26 2013, 09:11PM
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Gotta love the fart catchers in the background, trying to get their 15 seconds of fame. Ugh!

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#228 OilClog
January 26 2013, 09:11PM
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Oilers love to make things dramatic

No refs can stop us

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#229 Jordan Nugent-Hallkins
January 26 2013, 09:12PM
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Oh yeah? Well Calgary jerseys are hideous. I said it.

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#230 Skidplate
January 26 2013, 09:12PM
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TLBB the Oilers did outplay the Flamers for a good chunk of the period. So there Is that.

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#231 Johe
January 26 2013, 09:12PM
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I dislike the Flames as much as the next guy, but one thing I will say: they seem to play a pretty up tempo style. Lots of stretch passes, and I get the feeling they'll take some chances offensively. Not bad hockey to watch at all. With that said, I think we're in for a few more goals before this one is over. Go Oil

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#232 Skidplate
January 26 2013, 09:12PM
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And your Grand Poobah has the Oilers ahead on scoring chances as well.

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#233 EricOG
January 26 2013, 09:13PM
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The Last Big Bear wrote:

Seriously, Hockey Night in Canada, it's not polite to do that kind of thing with the Oilers in public unless you marry them first.

You';d think the Oilers were back-to-back cup winners to hear the HNiC, no back-to-back-to-back 1st overall draftees and the worst club in the NHL. Not to mention that you'd swear they were winning this game, rather than losing.

That's because the Oilers are much sexier than the Lames. Not to mention the fact that our future looks a looooooooooot better than Cowtown.

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#234 schevvy
January 26 2013, 09:13PM
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Jordan Nugent-Hallkins wrote:

Oh yeah? Well Calgary jerseys are hideous. I said it.

OH NO YOU DIDN'T

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#235 ChinookArch
January 26 2013, 09:14PM
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Stempniak assisted on both goals tonight. He is having a good year so far.

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#236 the forgotten man
January 26 2013, 09:15PM
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Good to see Ronnie McLame shilling for Edwards and King...but then again my tax dollars pay for his lame gig each Saturday.

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#237 ChinookArch
January 26 2013, 09:16PM
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God I really can't stand listening to Glen Healy.

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#238 Kent Wilson
January 26 2013, 09:18PM
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@ChinookArch

Yeah really good start for Stemps.

Wondering what Backlund has to do to get more ice time right now though.

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#239 ChinookArch
January 26 2013, 09:20PM
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@Kent Wilson

Hopefully scoring helps.

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#240 seve927
January 26 2013, 09:22PM
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ChinookArch wrote:

God I really can't stand listening to Glen Healy.

What boring banter. If there was anything else on I'd have changed channels. Weekes and Healy - what rapier-like wit.

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#241 OilClog
January 26 2013, 09:25PM
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Week's is scared of yak city

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#242 seve927
January 26 2013, 09:28PM
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Cammy's looking better tonight.

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#243 Kent Wilson
January 26 2013, 09:28PM
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Cammalleri's best shift of the year so far.

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#244 ChinookArch
January 26 2013, 09:29PM
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@seve927

I agree, he is not falling all over the ice.

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#245 seve927
January 26 2013, 09:31PM
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Another good shift for Sven too. Glencross!! Makes up for the stupid penalty.

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#246 Kent Wilson
January 26 2013, 09:31PM
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Nice play by Jarome there.

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#247 ChinookArch
January 26 2013, 09:31PM
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The St. Al Bert native to the former Oiler.

Very nice!

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#248 seve927
January 26 2013, 09:33PM
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Okay, so Hudler's awesome?

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#249 Kent Wilson
January 26 2013, 09:33PM
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The Flames went Harlem Globtrotters on the Oilers there.

The Flames did. The Flames.

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#250 Kent Wilson
January 26 2013, 09:37PM
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Flames are taking over in the second so far.

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