GDB 04: THE BATTLE OF ALBERTA

Wanye
January 26 2013 12:11PM

We have a little tradition here at the Nation Network. They who win the Battle of Alberta writes the next GDB on both sites. So buckle up Flames Fans because you are going to get it and we are going to give it to you.

For far too long Edmontonians and Calgarians have battled back and forth with the same old witty jabs and name calling.  Calgary has one Cup - a bra has two. Edmonton has no running water or intelligence of any sort. You have the Stampede, we have a free hot dog lunch in the parking lot of Bonnie Doon shopping mall. Yeah, yeah yeah. We get it.

This time around we are dispensing with the usual insults and getting to the heart of the matter of what is really wrong with you Calgary.

THIS IS US - THIS IS YOU

Oooooh. We get it Calgary. You are the rich neighbours to the South with all of your money and power and fancy high rise buildings. Everyone understands that at some point in the mid 90s all of our businesses picked up and moved down Highway 2. Well guess what? We were like 8 years old when that happened. Didn't care then - didn't care now.

Frankly you did us a favour Calgary. We will never figure out how jedi mind tricked the bulk of our corporate douchebags to pack up their drycleaned belongings and move three hours away but we thank you.

And while we watch the game tonight and see a bunch of non-plussed suit types sitting on their hands in the Saddledome in jerseys that still have their tags on we will thank the Gods that none of them are up here pretending to be Oilers fans anymore.

Good riddance.

US v YOU

Speaking of Flames fans where have they gone? We seem to remember a whole mess of people filing into your Red Mile during your ill fated Cup run. People all over the were quick to cheer for "KIPPPPPERRRRRRRR" and "IGGGGGYYY" and Company. And yet nowdays there don't seem to be nearly as many people up repping the flaming C.

That's probably because the bulk of people following aren't really Flames fans. They are sports consumers. When the milk is fresh you are all happy to have a glass. When the milk goes sour - no one will come within a hundred miles.

Contrast that with Edmonton. We have been drinking sour milk for so long we have developed a taste for it. In fact many of us now prefer it. Doesn't matter if the Oilers finish in last place every year until the end of time. Oilers fans are in the business of living and dying with the team. Anyone with any hockey sense at all would have abandoned this team years ago and yet here we are millions strong all around the world.

And luckily the Oil are on the verge of being awesome. While Calgary is going to gently float down to the bottom of the league until your 33 NTCs expire in 2035.

STILL US STILL YOU

Looking at your roster - who is there even to get excited about?! Iginla in the prime of the twilight of his fine career? Pfft. Steve Begin? Jiri Hudler? Who the hell are any of these old bastards anyway? There is literally not a single player on your entire roster that we could possibly get excited about. Anyone skilled is old. Anyone young is marginal. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

We remember when we were trying to convince ourselves that players like Roman Cervenka were going to be the answer. Our Cervenka had names like Cole and O'Sullivan. We hoped and prayed late into the night that they could find something deep down within themselves and become awesome. And guess what - it didn't work.

It never works. Your roster was built around a core and that core expired about 4 years ago. Now you are like the guy who went all in on a 5-3 offsuit with a hunch "things were going to look better after the flop." Well the flop came up all Kings and now you have nothing left to do but play out your hand.

And lose.

Losers.

AND SO IN CLOSING

There is literally nothing you can do to win this battle Flames fans. Even if the Oilers lose (and they may) they are still the far superior team and we both know it. Even if the Flames win by 10 goals it will be no more satisfying than being given a free shrimp cocktail at a banquet on the Titanic. You are headed to the bottom and everyone on board is starting to sense disaster.

And there isn't an insult in the book you can lob our way that will have any impact. Yes we are  your hillbilly cousins up Highway 2. We are eternal optimists who have had a crap team and lacked the brain stem or the reality check to realize it. Now after being rewarded for coming in last for so long we have an embarassment of riches for a lineup and 18 year old Russian superstars sliding all over while we lose our drunken minds in celebration.

Its all happening up here and nothing is happening down there and you would be madder except that most of your bandwagon jumping fans have left long ago. Perhaps we should lend you the terms "ELPH" and "Shitanusly bad hockey." They got us through some dark days.

Oh and it's Wayne Gretzky's birthday today. Remember him?

GAME DAY PREDICTION: This is as easy to predict as getting some drunk Calgary tramp girl to flash her boobs during the only Cup run Calgarians will witness in the next two decades...Oilers win 5-2.

OBVIOUS GAME DAY PREDICTION: One thing Flames and Oiler fans can agree on is it is great not having Mark Lee call the game on HNIC. Also buckle up it could be a long game with Tom Kowal and Greg Kimmerly reffing the game. They are as blind as the guys who thought every Calgary tramp girl who flashed on the red mile was hot.

NOT-SO-OBVIOUS GAME DAY PREDICTION: During the second period one of the mics at ice level picks up the audio from a conversation between Jarome Iginla and Jordan Eberle.

"Hey Ebs, tell Tambo I'd gladly waive my non-trade clause and come play with you guys." Eberle smiles and replies, "You betcha, but I hope you are okay playing on the 2nd line." Iginla smiles, "No problem, at least I'd have a chance to make the playoffs again." Within moment the Nations blow up with talk of a possible trade. Flames fans start calling him "Judas", while Oiler fans calmly sit back knowing that Iginla speaks the truth.

Thanks to Gregor for giving me his Game Day Predictions

09049f03ecb006ab29372206f2a88f75
Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me. Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.
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#51 bucketoffish
January 26 2013, 01:38PM
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Rifffing an epice air guitar SHQUEEEE I just Nail Vanhallened blue to blue.

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#52 Gerald R. Ford
January 26 2013, 01:41PM
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K_Mart wrote:

Happy birthday Gretz, also my pops' bday today.

Also. WHERE DID IGINLA GET THAT AXE??

That's not Iginla. It's a composite photo of what all those hookers who lined up on the Red Mile in '04 look like today.

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#53 Harlie
January 26 2013, 01:43PM
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that guy is taking the Mr.T starter kit to a whole new level.

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#54 IBleedOil
January 26 2013, 01:44PM
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There really needs to be a "/drops mic" at the end of that article.

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#55 Coco Crsip
January 26 2013, 01:53PM
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http://theoddmanrush.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/YakupovCelebrates.gif

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#56 Eric Johnson
January 26 2013, 01:57PM
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I LOVE BONNIE DOON MALL!

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WANYE ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS EBERLE + CUTE PUPPY = OILERS WIN

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#58 Quinn the Eskimo
January 26 2013, 02:11PM
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The professional sports franchise in my local area is superior to the professional sports franchise in yours, phlegms phans.

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#59 Fatbob24
January 26 2013, 02:14PM
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That was awesome! I have never laughed so hard at a GDB.

** he wipes his eyes, knowing full well it could be 10-2, but I guess that's why it's so exciting**

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IBleedOil wrote:

There really needs to be a "/drops mic" at the end of that article.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aMmAsqtGRmk

STONE COLD ET SAYS

OH

HELL

YEAH

^o^

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#61 Mike
January 26 2013, 02:28PM
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EPIC GDP WANYE! TIME FOR A DONAIR, BETTER PUT ON MY SWEAT PANTS AND LOAFERS AND HOP IN MY TRANS AM. PANTERA CRANKED TO 11

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#62 Oilers G- Nations Poet Laureate
January 26 2013, 02:36PM
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Driving down highway 2

Gonna watch the Oilers WIN

Calgary Ashes*

*ashes are all that's left after the Flames burn out

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#63 Wheeler
January 26 2013, 02:41PM
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Curious.. does anyone think the second and third lines should be shaken up? Like move Paajarvi to the second line at LW so Yak can play his natural position at RW? And move Hemsky to the third line with Smyth and Horcoff.

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#64 DieHard
January 26 2013, 02:53PM
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Wheeler wrote:

Curious.. does anyone think the second and third lines should be shaken up? Like move Paajarvi to the second line at LW so Yak can play his natural position at RW? And move Hemsky to the third line with Smyth and Horcoff.

NO. Keep Horcoff away from Hemsky.

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Hey hey c'mon, let's not clog up this tread with line-ups commentary. Only one topic today: Flames suck!

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#66 michael
January 26 2013, 02:56PM
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If Hemsky were available on the trade market now vs last year. What would his current value be. In a shortened NHL season. With fewer top six forward available. Would it be a first round pick and a 3rd or A prospect? Or would the price be higher.Or lower?

MP has player terrific.His confidence looks to be surging.He is looking at going to the net more often.Good thing IMO.

Hartsy? Not ready yet.Still looks overmatched and unsure of himself.OKC sooner than later please.

Potter?Whitney?. I would move either dman right now . Whitney IMO is done being a 1-4 dman. he is a 5-6. His ability to skate was never good. Now it is becoming marginal. Time to make a move right now when a team like Detroit is willing to pay. Or Pittsburgh?

DD. Do that again. And again for another 45 games. More of that less of the San Jose thing.

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#67 Get a life
January 26 2013, 02:57PM
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1. Edit your work before posting. 2. Go back and redo grades 7-12. 3. Seek help for the chip on your shoulder / little-man syndrome. 4. We get it, you're eventually going to be a dynasty. Until then, you're still a bottom-dwelling franchise. The guarantee of the Oilers being as good as the Flames currently are is as good as a guarantee the Flames will be as bad as you have been for 5 years. 5. Go Leafs!

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#68 jeanshorts
January 26 2013, 03:02PM
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So this is Gretzmas

And what haven't you done?

Another year older

Four cups you've won.

And so this is Gretzmas

I hope you had fun

You are The Great One

You still look pretty young

HAVE A VERY MERRY GRETZMAS

And a happy new year

Let's hope it's a good one

For the Oilers we'll cheer!

MERRY F'N GRETZMAS YOU GUYS!!

GOILERS!!!! EAT SH*T FLAMES!!!

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#69 Scary Gary
January 26 2013, 03:02PM
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Haha not bad. It's going to be a long drive back after the flames win tonight.

P.s. Try not to get arrested...

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#70 Hall for Captain
January 26 2013, 03:05PM
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Get a life wrote:

1. Edit your work before posting. 2. Go back and redo grades 7-12. 3. Seek help for the chip on your shoulder / little-man syndrome. 4. We get it, you're eventually going to be a dynasty. Until then, you're still a bottom-dwelling franchise. The guarantee of the Oilers being as good as the Flames currently are is as good as a guarantee the Flames will be as bad as you have been for 5 years. 5. Go Leafs!

Well it looks like your moniker says it all. A$$hat. Troll elsewhere please.

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#71 OilClog
January 26 2013, 03:06PM
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@Get a life

Go leafs? Hell the leafs wish they were the Islanders. Hey everyone let's trade for Phaneuf and Kessel and continue to suck.. Wait let's get Lupul too!!

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#72 David S
January 26 2013, 03:09PM
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Wheeler wrote:

Curious.. does anyone think the second and third lines should be shaken up? Like move Paajarvi to the second line at LW so Yak can play his natural position at RW? And move Hemsky to the third line with Smyth and Horcoff.

The Yak/Gagner/Hemsky line is starting to kill it. Why would you break them up? Sorry but PRV is not a fit for that line. Not yet anyways.

Also, it is well known that dissing Hemsky here might mean you have to fight Travis Dakin. He's been workin' out these days, so maybe not the best idea.

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#73 Mr. Pederson
January 26 2013, 03:09PM
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Iggy would play on the 3line. No sense seperating Yak-Gags-Hemmer, plus he'd look great with other old dudes Horcoff and Smyth.

Also, SUCK IT FLAMERS

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#75 Oiler Al
January 26 2013, 03:14PM
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@bookofloob

I think your dreaming, what you really mean is your trailer at Sylvan Lake.

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#76 David S
January 26 2013, 03:21PM
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Wanye wrote:

1. No

2. I dropped out in Grade 6

3. I am 6 foot 3

4. Thanks

5. Clown

Having said all of that I respect you for having the hardest chirps back so far. KISS ME YOU FOOL

6. *SLAP*

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#77 Wheeler
January 26 2013, 03:21PM
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David S wrote:

The Yak/Gagner/Hemsky line is starting to kill it. Why would you break them up? Sorry but PRV is not a fit for that line. Not yet anyways.

Also, it is well known that dissing Hemsky here might mean you have to fight Travis Dakin. He's been workin' out these days, so maybe not the best idea.

because Smyth/Horcoff/Paajarvi doesn't seem to be working.

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#78 Charlie N64
January 26 2013, 03:24PM
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Merry Gretzmas Nation! Oilers got this in the bag, no worries.

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#79 Pharmboy
January 26 2013, 03:25PM
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ANYONE STILL THINK WE SHOULD HAVE PICKED MURRAY? HELLO? ANYONE?

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#80 Oilers Coffey
January 26 2013, 03:27PM
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My posts aren't showing up guess I can't say what the dude says in the classy pic above :) Great article Mr.Wanye! The price tag bandwagon fans pretty much sums up the saddle and 17th Ave!

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#81 mr_nihilism
January 26 2013, 03:35PM
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You preach it, Wayne.

Game on !

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#82 LeafsSuck
January 26 2013, 03:41PM
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Pharmboy wrote:

ANYONE STILL THINK WE SHOULD HAVE PICKED MURRAY? HELLO? ANYONE?

I think we should have picked Couture over Gagner

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#83 Wax Man Riley
January 26 2013, 03:42PM
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Get a life wrote:

1. Edit your work before posting. 2. Go back and redo grades 7-12. 3. Seek help for the chip on your shoulder / little-man syndrome. 4. We get it, you're eventually going to be a dynasty. Until then, you're still a bottom-dwelling franchise. The guarantee of the Oilers being as good as the Flames currently are is as good as a guarantee the Flames will be as bad as you have been for 5 years. 5. Go Leafs!

Davis S. wrote:

6. *SLAP*

Haahahhaahaa.... nobody says it better!

Well.... maybe Rick does

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#84 dawgtoy
January 26 2013, 03:43PM
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@Pharmboy

Classic

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#85 Thinker
January 26 2013, 04:09PM
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5 goals and everyone of the big five scores. Yakupov scores the last one, and draws the ire of flames fans with a sick celly. Yak city bitch cries can be heard through the barbed wire fence after the cowboys leave the barn. The russian has a post-game interview where he speaks nonsense ( see wjc after beating canada) sparking an intense hatred of all europeans in the hearts of the illiterate half-breeds. Not only does their medicre team fall to the depths of the nhl, but they refuse to fix it. Goddam calgary deserves to eat sh*t after all the idiotic statements the good people of edmonton have had to hear over the years.

On another note, I believe that edmontons scorched earth plan did a lot. Oilers fans seem more intelligent these days(in large part to oilersnation), and losing so much has rekindled a fire under our hearts. No longer are we content with being what calgary is. Now we stride towards a greater purpose.

Merry gretzmas!!!

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#86 A-Mc
January 26 2013, 04:12PM
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Its almost time.

Time for epic sax guy's return to Oilers Nation! #staytuned

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#87 Slats
January 26 2013, 04:19PM
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GDP - Oilers in romp just like end of last season Oiler 6 fLames 1

Obvious GDP - Yak gets booed first touch and goes through the entire fLames team for Goal #1 starts to go center ice with a burst of speed but just glides to bench with smile.

Not so obvious GDP - After the Oil jump out to a 3-0 lead Hartly calls a timeout. In an effort to divert fans from booing Calgary announcer comes over PA to announce that caviar will be served to all CEOs/CFOs in the house with a valid corporate busines card. All of Section 100 vacates and 50% of section 200 - all Oiler faithful are rewarded with seat upgrade and watch the romp.

GOILERS!!!!

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#88 Eddie Shore
January 26 2013, 04:28PM
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Nice to see all 6 fLames fans showed up. As a wise man once said, Eat Sh!t.

PS: Goilers!

PPS: Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugebersqueeeeee!

PPSS: Eat Sh!t flamers!

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#89 Smytty's Jibs
January 26 2013, 04:29PM
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@Slats

I pray to Lord Stanley that your OGDP comes true! Amen.

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#90 hunkybill
January 26 2013, 04:37PM
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yak city. Suck it cowtown

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#91 Puritania
January 26 2013, 04:52PM
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A-Mc wrote:

Its almost time.

Time for epic sax guy's return to Oilers Nation! #staytuned

Props! Props! Props! Props! Props!

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#92 G Money
January 26 2013, 04:56PM
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I'll be at the game, look for me on TV!

Game Day Prediction: Flames outshoot Oilers 6-1 in the first two minutes but momentum is lost when they have to wheel out the oxygen tanks and defibrillator; Oilers win game 6-1.

Obvious Game Day Prediction: Hall, Ebs, RNH all score a goal. Yakupov with the hat trick.

Not-So-Obvious Game Day Prediction: Immediately after the game, Edmonton changes its airport call sign from YEG to YAK.

Oh yeah: SUCK IT, FLAMES!

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#93 vetinari
January 26 2013, 04:57PM
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Q: How are the Calgary Flames like a high school dropout?

A: Both have no goals and absolutely no prospects.

Q2: How are the Flames like the Titanic?

A2: They both looked good until they hit the ice.

Q3: Why doesn't FlamesNation have a better website?

A3: Because it's impossible for them to string three W's together...

GO OILERS! Oil 6 - Flames 3

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#94 bookofloob
January 26 2013, 04:59PM
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Oiler Al wrote:

I think your dreaming, what you really mean is your trailer at Sylvan Lake.

*you're

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#95 bookofloob
January 26 2013, 04:59PM
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Yeah I went there

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#96 Oilers G- Nations Poet Laureate
January 26 2013, 05:00PM
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Stopping in Red Deer

Need a large double double

Halfway to Cow Town

(sent from my I-Phone)

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#97 So not a Pouzar
January 26 2013, 05:11PM
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@Oilers G- Nations Poet Laureate

We all know you secretly wanted an extra large double double.

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#98 Smytty's Jibs
January 26 2013, 05:12PM
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@bookofloob

Really? You're gonna go ahead and correct grammar now? That's how you beak? Punks like you are a diamond dozen!

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#99 Scary Gary
January 26 2013, 05:40PM
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Smytty's Jibs wrote:

Really? You're gonna go ahead and correct grammar now? That's how you beak? Punks like you are a diamond dozen!

Yeah BOL you literate punk! :D

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#100 funkyjaman
January 26 2013, 05:52PM
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Smytty's Jibs wrote:

Really? You're gonna go ahead and correct grammar now? That's how you beak? Punks like you are a diamond dozen!

Really? You're going to call someone a punk on a hockey forum? Ha! More Oiler tough talk.

Gonna? Diamond dozen??

Classic stuff on here, classic!

Someone should start a website called "Oilers People" It might rival Walmart People for hits.

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