November 16 2013 03:30PM
Originally, this was going to be a sob piece.
Man, was it ever going to be beautiful. Our cities' respective teams are both, in a word, repugnant. Flawed management persists, coaches play favourites, people still buy tickets and no one wins. There's so many reasons why fans of these two teams are alike.
But then I thought that wallowing in sadness wasn't really in the spirit of the Battle of Alberta.
So then I thought I would write about the juxtaposition of the Oilers (who have gone more than two decades without a cup, who have inept upper management leaders that refuse to abdicate their power to people who in no way could do a worse job running the team, who have endured a streak of more than half a decade without the playoffs and who have fans thinking there is no future) against the Flames, (who have gone more than two decades without a cup, who have inept upper management leaders that refuse to abdicate their power to people who in no way could do a worse job running the team than they have, who have endured a streak of more than half a decade without the playoffs and who have fans thinking there is no future) because the two teams are obviously so different. But that was a garbage idea too.
So, let's be honest here - in terms of the hockey game out there tonight, there's not really much to care about because both of these teams suck for so many reasons. Thus, that concludes your game preview.
Haha, man, you really did think that was the end, didn't you? Wouldn't be surprised. You are from Edmonton. Hell, I'm surprised you've even made it this far without slumping over and drooling on your keyboard.
I came to the conclusion that what I really should be writing about is how f***ing bad Edmonton is.
- Every single one of your sports teams is garbage. They've all fallen, and they can't get up.
- Seriously, what the f*ck is "#GOilers"? Goilers sounds like a mutated version of herpes.
- H and E are really all that's left and E bleeds shot attempts. How awesome is that contract going to look in like, oh, 8 months ago?
- What in the blue f*ck is this stupid "squeeee" bullsh*t? "I'm going to make the most annoying noise possible when my favourite overrated player does anything remotely positive because LOL!" Good thing Eberle doesn't do much good often.
GAZE UPON YOUR GOD, WHO HAS FORSAKEN YOU
- God Edmonton media is just the worst, too. "Let's run every talented player who doesn't speak english out of town! GRIT! TOUGHNESS! GAZDICCCCCCCCCCCCCCC"
"Oh Yeah He Totally Won That One"
- I had to drive through Edmonton on my way to Bonnyville this summer. Even passing through the city was terrible. The roads look like the pockmarked face of a 70 year old pack-a-day smoker. Even the "engineering wonder" that is the Anthony Henday is terrible in comparison to Calgary's ring road. Ours is going to be done when yours is even though it's longer (25 kms) and it started like a decade later.
- I guess living within explosion distance of refineries makes up for the 2 cent difference in gas.
- Does anyone really even give a sh*t about West Edmonton Mall anymore? All it is is monolithic, ugly and out-of-date.
- Haha the downtown arena man that's a horrible idea huge waste of money
- Oh that's still going forward okay then lol
- Also looks like sperm
This was actually on the city's website. Seriously.
- Can a city really be called a city of champions if no one ever wins anything?
- Why are there hundreds of jacked up trucks that are always sparkling clean?
- 2011's Homicide Capital of Canada!
Edmonton Sun, Jan. 1, 2012
- Capital Ex (or Klondike days or whatever it's called) is basically the ginger who writes "butts" as an answer on his test compared to the A+ student that is the Calgary Stampede.
- We even hate Toronto, Vancouver and Montréal better than you do!