FGD: Suck It

Justin Azevedo
November 16 2013 03:30PM

Oilers Flames Hockey

Via halifaxdrunk

Originally, this was going to be a sob piece.

Man, was it ever going to be beautiful. Our cities' respective teams are both, in a word, repugnant. Flawed management persists, coaches play favourites, people still buy tickets and no one wins. There's so many reasons why fans of these two teams are alike.

But then I thought that wallowing in sadness wasn't really in the spirit of the Battle of Alberta.

So then I thought I would write about the juxtaposition of the Oilers (who have gone more than two decades without a cup, who have inept upper management leaders that refuse to abdicate their power to people who in no way could do a worse job running the team, who have endured a streak of more than half a decade without the playoffs and who have fans thinking there is no future) against the Flames, (who have gone more than two decades without a cup, who have inept upper management leaders that refuse to abdicate their power to people who in no way could do a worse job running the team than they have, who have endured a streak of more than half a decade without the playoffs and who have fans thinking there is no future) because the two teams are obviously so different. But that was a garbage idea too.

So, let's be honest here - in terms of the hockey game out there tonight, there's not really much to care about because both of these teams suck for so many reasons. Thus, that concludes your game preview.

 

Haha, man, you really did think that was the end, didn't you? Wouldn't be surprised. You are from Edmonton. Hell, I'm surprised you've even made it this far without slumping over and drooling on your keyboard.

 

I came to the conclusion that what I really should be writing about is how f***ing bad Edmonton is.

  • Every single one of your sports teams is garbage. They've all fallen, and they can't get up.
  • Seriously, what the f*ck is "#GOilers"? Goilers sounds like a mutated version of herpes.
  • H and E are really all that's left and E bleeds shot attempts. How awesome is that contract going to look in like, oh, 8 months ago?

Clean Hit

  • What in the blue f*ck is this stupid "squeeee" bullsh*t? "I'm going to make the most annoying noise possible when my favourite overrated player does anything remotely positive because LOL!" Good thing Eberle doesn't do much good often. 

GAZE UPON YOUR GOD, WHO HAS FORSAKEN YOU

  • God Edmonton media is just the worst, too. "Let's run every talented player who doesn't speak english out of town! GRIT! TOUGHNESS! GAZDICCCCCCCCCCCCCCC"

"Oh Yeah He Totally Won That One"

  • I had to drive through Edmonton on my way to Bonnyville this summer. Even passing through the city was terrible. The roads look like the pockmarked face of a 70 year old pack-a-day smoker. Even the "engineering wonder" that is the Anthony Henday is terrible in comparison to Calgary's ring road. Ours is going to be done when yours is even though it's longer (25 kms) and it started like a decade later.
  • I guess living within explosion distance of refineries makes up for the 2 cent difference in gas.
  • Does anyone really even give a sh*t about West Edmonton Mall anymore? All it is is monolithic, ugly and out-of-date.
  • Haha the downtown arena man that's a horrible idea huge waste of money
  • Oh that's still going forward okay then lol
  • Also looks like sperm

This was actually on the city's website. Seriously.

  • Can a city really be called a city of champions if no one ever wins anything?
  • Why are there hundreds of jacked up trucks that are always sparkling clean?
  • 2011's Homicide Capital of Canada!

Edmonton Sun, Jan. 1, 2012

  • Capital Ex (or Klondike days or whatever it's called) is basically the ginger who writes "butts" as an answer on his test compared to the A+ student that is the Calgary Stampede.
  • http://walkingdeadmonton.tumblr.com
  • We even hate Toronto, Vancouver and Montréal better than you do!

In summary,

Love, Justin

A9d138d0e612f28cd46f9b7057ed715d
Justin is a 23-year-old Flames fan who also happens to be pursuing a double major at the University of Calgary. He has played hockey at high levels, enjoys wearing shorts and tends to drink far too much Grasshopper. Please don't hate him.
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#51 Cynic
November 16 2013, 10:38PM
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Congrats, Oiler fan. You beat the 2nd-worst franchise in the NHL. Celebrate.

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#52 Rob F
November 16 2013, 10:40PM
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congrats.....the oilers are the tallest midget.....

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#53 Jonny T
November 16 2013, 11:21PM
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@Gkpoil

Do you hear what you're saying man? What are you so proud of? You're talking about the Oilers!! You're an Oilers fan!!! Calm down. What have they done that justifies anything you're saying? Good god. Please, keep your pride to yourself until your team starts living up to their prophesized glory years and 6 more stanley cups.

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#54 Jeff In Lethbridge
November 16 2013, 11:30PM
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Hauk15 wrote:

HAHAHAHA FLAMES FANS WHY YOU HEFF TO BE MAD!? ITS ONLY GAME! ONLY A GAME THAT THE OILERS WON! HAHA FLAMES ARE WORSE THAN OILERS AND OILERS ARE PRETTY BAD! NOTHING MAKES ME HAPPIER THAN AN OIL WIN OVER CALGARY

it's clearly an extremely emotional roller coaster for you. my sympathy... you might want to take some time off to find balance and stability again. it is afterall just a game.

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#55 Jonny T
November 17 2013, 12:49AM
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@Hauk15

Oh no. I'm so sorry I said the oilers finished 30th instead of 29th that "one" year...

Hahahahahahahaha.

That was a good chuckle. Thank you for that Hauk.

Hey Hauk...do you remember that time when you guys lost that game?

Ill just put you out of your misery. Oilers are a good team and edmonton is a nice city...

Happy now? Ill give you some gummie bears too.

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#56 Hockey Fan 1976
November 16 2013, 09:09PM
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Ference, you better hide cause its coming to you.

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#57 Drowning in Oil
November 16 2013, 10:42PM
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DUBNYK PLAYED GREAT TONIGHT. YOU GUYS WANTED HIM TO STEAL A WIN. TONIGHT MAY HAVE BEEN THE NIGHT. HE ACTUALLY PLAYED SO GOOD THAT THIS MANAGEMENT GROUP WILL PROBABLY HAVE BRYZ PLAY THE NEXT GAME........ SMYTH IS SO, SO BAD. THAT PASS WITH 2 MINUTES LEFT WAS A PASS MY 7 YEAR OLD MAKES, 2 FT BEHIND PERRON. HIS ICETIME IS ASTONISHING!!

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#58 Jeff In Lethbridge
November 16 2013, 11:42PM
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Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty) wrote:

Calgary is south of Edmonton, and Lethbridge is south of Calgary......so Jeff....while you're down there......

i didnt expect edmonton fans to be so open with tbeir preferences but hey each to their own i wont judge you but i dont swing that way youll have to get one of your edm buddies good luck ;-)

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#59 Jonny T
November 16 2013, 11:52PM
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@Todd

Todd. Hello.

1) We will acquire elite talent in time. Don't you worry about that. Losses like these will help.

2) Jankowski is now 6'4 185 lbs. Oh and he just turned 19. Sure he's still a bit awkward because he's growing into his body, but his talent is undeniable. With guys like Poirier, Klimchuc, Johnny Hockey, Ferland, Knight, our collection of better college players, plus next year's draft picks, we have players that contribute in different ways. Don't comment on a prospect base you know nothing about.

3) We're building a "team". Last I checked, "teams" win stanley cups. Not a collection of elite "small forwards" that think they can dangle their way to the playoffs.

and finally....

4) Thanks for providing us a "Dummies" handbook on how not to run a rebuild.Beleive me, we'll be using it.

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#60 lionlager
November 17 2013, 12:29AM
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Well, looks like you can't lose them all Oilers. The win feels weird I bet, but don't worry. You won't have to get used to it. Another season already written off. More top draft picks to collect and systematically break their spirits. Godspeed.

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#61 ?
November 17 2013, 12:36AM
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Hauk15 wrote:

Sure our goalies suck. You can't even compare Calgary's offense to Edmonton's. Hall, Eberle, Nugent-Hopkins, Yakupov, J.Schultz, Gagner, Perron,Hemsky. You guys have Monahan, BearChief, and Camalerri. Your prospects are junk bud, go ride a horse cowtown boy.

That's what finishing among the leagues worst for 338473844 years like the oilers gets you.

Too bad Lowe has f**ked up your team so bad that the Oilers are gonna have go rebuild the rebuild.

Flames vs Oilers, 2027 1st rouns series.

Lol

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#62 dangilitis
November 17 2013, 02:06AM
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Have to re-post some of my older material. Are you reading, Justin? Maybe you should come to Edmonton but I suspect you were too effin stupid to get into U of A so had to settle for U of C. Even so, you couldn't hack it in Edmonton, what, with your fear of its roads and gang violence... sissy boy!

Yes the roads suck in Edmonton but calgarian drivers might as well be driving on gravel road because they can't go a consecutive 60 minute period without crashing into one another.

Your team blows. The one thing I knew when the season started was that the Oil would dominate the lowly Flames, and you know what? 20 minutes away from hating the team for even failing to deliver on that. But leave it to the Flames to suck more. Cammalleri gone by the end of this year, and Hudler not too far behind. Monahan is the only good piece of that dreadful excuse for the organization and he will be bogged down by plugs for the next decade until he can't bear it and asks Jabba the Hut for a trade. Jankowski makes your team look like a laughing stock and the fact that Buffalo picked a dud at 14 doesn't make that pick look any less retarded.

The sense of undeserved entitlement in Calgary angers even Rob Ford. A bunch of spoiled oil execs and pretentious 20-30 somethings with more money than common sense. And too stupid to see the parallels between the Oilers and the Flames, and to see that their team is actually 5 years behind, despite a similar record of futility in what actually matters, which is playoff success.

Fact - every time the Flames have won the conference, the Oilers have won the conference the following year. Everything you think the Flames can do well (excluding sucking), the Oilers will do it better, no matter how much they suck. Because Calgary will always be Edmonton's spoiled, bitter little sister (kind of like Daniel to Henrik, or vice versa, I don't really care)

Nenshi will be getting senior discounts at Applebee's before calgarians sniff the playoffs again.

So Justin, time to fold up your Kiprusoff jersey, fall off your sad bandwagon for the next decade and hopefully longer, and try and enjoy your team's success in an 8 team beer league that no one watches outside of Calgary and the province of Saskatchewan. Wait, no one will watch in Calgary either once the Riders romp the Stamps.

And DSF, wow you are a coward. Ference is a million times the human being that you are. Why do I know this? Because he doesn't post stuff to antagonize a group of people and then run away before people can engage. You are a real loser. Maybe you should move to Calgary, you'd fit right in. And why don't you give Justin while you're here, misery loves company...

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#63 DoubleDIon
November 17 2013, 09:07AM
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Edmonton is one of the ugliest cities on the planet. Most cities in 3rd world countries have less garbage laying about.

The only viable businesses in Edmonton are pawn shops where their criminals can unload goods they've stolen from other places and porn shops where the perverts of the city can come together and feel like they aren't the dregs of society because there are other people from Edmonton there.

There, I've contributed to the troll blog... ;)

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#64 TonyT
November 17 2013, 03:33PM
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Hahaha this is pretty funny. I'm a diehard Edmontonian but even I can admit Calgary is nicer. The funny part of this topic was that in as much as people would leave Edmonton if they could, the same is true for Calgariy. It's nicer but that's not saying much... A lady at Costco this summer, asked me if I wanted to donate to Red Cross for flood victims. I thought she meant India (where they had a massive death toll) but then she said Calgary. I burst out laughing, I hope the rivers crest again next year you hick f*cks!

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#65 Batfink
November 16 2013, 04:05PM
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Please sir, can I have our Smid back? A spirited article, well put and correct on many points. However:

2) GFYs

3) >4) Eat poop.

Other than that, I hope for a good tilt tonight may the best team win and all that BS.

Smell ya later.

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#66 Christian Roatis
November 16 2013, 04:21PM
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EDIT: Initial reference to flood removed

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#67 Big Cap
November 16 2013, 05:05PM
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After this year is over, your Calgary Flames will have made it out of the 1st round of the playoffs ONCE in 25 years. Through chokes, and just terrible play, that's ONE time you've actually made it out of the 1st round in 25 years!!!! The worst record in professional sports.

GO OILERS GO!

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#68 PaperDesigner
November 16 2013, 05:18PM
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I don't find this post funny in the slightest. It's not because I lack a sense of humour, but rather, because I have a good one. Feel free to make fun of a city. Next time, try to actually include wit! This garbage is pointless.

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#69 Hits from the BoNg
November 16 2013, 05:49PM
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Guess what ?

Another halfwit blogger, from Calgary ?!?

How does he breath with his head that far up his @ss ?

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#70 Bucknuck
November 16 2013, 06:59PM
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I don't really mind if our new Arena looks like sperm. Sperm makes me think of potency... and potency and the Oilers should be synonymous terms!!! They're going to make Edmonton pregnant with Stanley cups... just watch, and they are going to have to screw Calgary to get every one of them.

Mwah ha ha.

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#71 Ed Wailin'
November 16 2013, 08:44PM
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now that was a lame face punching....

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#72 Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty)
November 16 2013, 09:08PM
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DSF wrote:

Ference was way over the line there.

He deserves a beating.

You deserve a beating...but you're still here.

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#73 Cowtown 1989
November 16 2013, 09:08PM
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I used to have a great deal of respect for Ference but attacking an unwilling Stempy after a clean hit has me a bit riled up. I hope the Flames use this as a team rallying point for the rest of the game. Is the Battle of Alberta version 2.0 starting tonight?

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#74 Fresh Mess
November 16 2013, 09:12PM
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that's a goal

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#75 outdoorzguy
November 16 2013, 09:42PM
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"Another give away, shoots, scores". Fire the entire management team or start trading off some of these prima donna kids. This team has no future. It belongs in Kansas City!! What an outright disgrace to not only the city of Edmonton but to the NHL and professional sports. I'm disgusted. But hey Oiler fan, make sure you get a good parking spot when you go to the next home game. Keep enabling this team, it' management and ownership by puting more $$$$$ into the team and Katz's pocket. What a disgrace!,,

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#76 Jeff In Lethbridge
November 16 2013, 11:39PM
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Hauk15 wrote:

Flames fans are so stupid, other than Monahan and BearChief you guys have jack-$hit to work with! Better go for 30th next year so you can get some real talent in Mcdavid. This years draft is pretty weak. CGY outplayed Oilers for 40 mins, a real NHL team would have won 5-0.

you do realize you just insulted your own team, right?

I will be nice tho cause, like McGratton said in post game.. everyone is fighting a battle. God bless you my son.

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#77 Jonny T
November 16 2013, 11:56PM
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@Todd

Never did I say the rebuild would be quick. Infact I am one of the people that saw through the consecutive 9th place finishes.

I just think we'll build a better team overall in the long run. That's all.

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#78 Thinker
November 17 2013, 12:37AM
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@YFC Prez

Wayne where are you? I think a lifetime ban is in order.

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#79 Jonny T
November 17 2013, 01:04AM
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@Eddie Shore

Living in Edmonton?

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#80 -30-
November 16 2013, 03:33PM
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This blogger is as bad as our respective hockey teams. Nuff said.

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#81 EricOG
November 16 2013, 03:52PM
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He got one thing right, the Lames suck hind banana.

One more thing; Fire Lowe!!!!!

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#82 Bill
November 16 2013, 04:27PM
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This....piece was written by a 22 year old dillweed Cowtowner who apparently drank a bit too much fecal matter in his tap water after the flooding this summer.

'YEEHAW' is the only thing I have to say about Calgary, it tells everyone all they need to know....

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#83 Dan the Man
November 16 2013, 05:02PM
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The best you can come up with is insulting our roads? Seriously? That's pretty weak.

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#84 Robin Brownlee
November 16 2013, 06:29PM
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I've edited/removed comments about or relating to the original reference to the flood in Calgary. That means some of you lost comments speaking out against the first reference because the initial comment was included. No other way.

An event in which people died isn't to be used as a punch line on this website. We're better than that. At least we should be.

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#85 Dangilitis
November 16 2013, 07:59PM
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Yes the roads suck in Edmonton but calgarian drivers might as well be driving on gravel road because they can't go a consecutive 60 minute period without crashing into one another.

I live in Calgary now and there was more to do with my family in Edmonton except if you want to claim the mountains to hide the complete lack of anything resembling excitement in the actual city.

The sense of undeserved entitlement in this city baffles even rob ford.

And the funniest part about this is people like justin who epitomize calgarian fans who watched the downfall of the oilers and why it has persisted way too long and are too stupid to realize that nenshi will be getting senior discounts at Applebee's before calgarians sniff the playoffs again.

As depressing as it has been every night to watch edmonton I will enjoy what a$$ kicking will be laid on the lowly flames for the next decade. So why don't all the flames fans who claim they weren't bandwagoners fold away those kiprusoff jerseys and try and enjoy their teams success in an 8 team league that no one watches outside of Calgary and the province of Saskatchewan ...

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#86 Jeff In Lethbridge
November 16 2013, 08:10PM
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i heard heather luscano (singer) had an affair wih conroys wife and thats why Dion was traded... or something like that

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#87 Reg Dunlop
November 16 2013, 09:06PM
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The oil are only 20 NHL calibre players away from being playoff bound! Patience, oil fans.

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#88 Ryan Pike
November 16 2013, 09:45PM
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Flames are playing their game - counter-punch, keeping opposition to outside and whatnots. Solid 40 minutes so far.

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#89 outdoorzguy
November 16 2013, 09:54PM
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I'm really impressed tat my tax dollars are going to support the building of a new arena that will house this Junior B team. It wouldn't be so bad if there was some hope. But hope went out the window about 2 years ago. This team has been terrible for the last 14 years. We got a lucky run in 2006 (remember, we made the playoffs on the last night by 1 point). I have a hard time sending my tax dollars to millionaires who work for a billionaire who as group really have no work ethic or ambition to improve themselves in their chosen line of work. Sad.

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#90 Andy7190
November 16 2013, 10:32PM
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YFC Prez wrote:

Dubnyk is playing very well. Has since the briz signing. Just reinforces the notion that he needs to be pushed. Dubnyk is the reason were winning this game.

Give him time!

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#91 Jonny T
November 16 2013, 11:24PM
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@Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty)

It'll be many tough years here, I'm not denying that. It's an embarassing loss for us mainly because we played you guys. If that isn't rock bottom, I don't know what is.

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#92 Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty)
November 17 2013, 12:15AM
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Jeff In Lethbridge wrote:

i tbink thats the fourth time youve made sexual references towards me... makes me worried. hang around in seedy places like this i guess one can expect to bump into your type. are all edm guys as desperate as you?

Did you not read the title of the article?......don't play coy Jeffery........is it ok if I call you Jeffery?

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#93 Hauk15
November 17 2013, 12:18AM
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Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty) wrote:

Damn! I think I scared him off......

good job, we gotta defend our internet territory from these flamer tools.

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#94 ?
November 17 2013, 12:41AM
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Old Retired Guy (A.K.A. Die-Nasty) wrote:

Did you not read the title of the article?......don't play coy Jeffery........is it ok if I call you Jeffery?

Control your hormones sir :)

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#95 travis
November 17 2013, 08:36AM
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dangilitis wrote:

Have to re-post some of my older material. Are you reading, Justin? Maybe you should come to Edmonton but I suspect you were too effin stupid to get into U of A so had to settle for U of C. Even so, you couldn't hack it in Edmonton, what, with your fear of its roads and gang violence... sissy boy!

Yes the roads suck in Edmonton but calgarian drivers might as well be driving on gravel road because they can't go a consecutive 60 minute period without crashing into one another.

Your team blows. The one thing I knew when the season started was that the Oil would dominate the lowly Flames, and you know what? 20 minutes away from hating the team for even failing to deliver on that. But leave it to the Flames to suck more. Cammalleri gone by the end of this year, and Hudler not too far behind. Monahan is the only good piece of that dreadful excuse for the organization and he will be bogged down by plugs for the next decade until he can't bear it and asks Jabba the Hut for a trade. Jankowski makes your team look like a laughing stock and the fact that Buffalo picked a dud at 14 doesn't make that pick look any less retarded.

The sense of undeserved entitlement in Calgary angers even Rob Ford. A bunch of spoiled oil execs and pretentious 20-30 somethings with more money than common sense. And too stupid to see the parallels between the Oilers and the Flames, and to see that their team is actually 5 years behind, despite a similar record of futility in what actually matters, which is playoff success.

Fact - every time the Flames have won the conference, the Oilers have won the conference the following year. Everything you think the Flames can do well (excluding sucking), the Oilers will do it better, no matter how much they suck. Because Calgary will always be Edmonton's spoiled, bitter little sister (kind of like Daniel to Henrik, or vice versa, I don't really care)

Nenshi will be getting senior discounts at Applebee's before calgarians sniff the playoffs again.

So Justin, time to fold up your Kiprusoff jersey, fall off your sad bandwagon for the next decade and hopefully longer, and try and enjoy your team's success in an 8 team beer league that no one watches outside of Calgary and the province of Saskatchewan. Wait, no one will watch in Calgary either once the Riders romp the Stamps.

And DSF, wow you are a coward. Ference is a million times the human being that you are. Why do I know this? Because he doesn't post stuff to antagonize a group of people and then run away before people can engage. You are a real loser. Maybe you should move to Calgary, you'd fit right in. And why don't you give Justin while you're here, misery loves company...

Please man. I'm a proud Edmontonian, even though I don't live there anymore, and your post is so over-exaggerated it actually makes me gag. Stop your incessant non-sense. We won 1 meaningless game. You're embarrassing us. Edmonton is a terrible city. It just is...accept it. Don't try to sugarcoat it. I love edmonton because it's my home, but I mean, in all seriousness, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

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#96 2004Z06
November 17 2013, 09:38AM
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I certainly hope this was some kind of a joke. I have no issue with poking fun at each other sports teams futility over the last several years, but mocking the city of Edmonton and Edmontonians is going a little too far. How quickly they forget that thousands of Edmontonians and Edmonton based companies were there to help when your city was completely underwater less than a year ago.

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#97 Joel
November 16 2013, 03:57PM
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Upper management for the Oilers actually get paid a salary.

Imagine you had a record like the Oilers since the 2005 lockout.

Ha Ha Ha

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#98 YFC Prez
November 16 2013, 04:17PM
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Excellent GDB there Justin. Probably the best one yet to come out of Calgary. Wanye was slaughtering you folks. About time for a good rebuttal. But that's the way it usually is isn't it. Everything you guys have ever done we have done first and better up north.

We're even better and sucking than you dirty flames.

Eat sh@t flames!!!

Ps. I'm actually just a little bit more excited for this game tonight after reading this.

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#99 D'oh-ilers
November 16 2013, 06:37PM
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You've got to have a really crummy life to actually get upset if someone makes fun of the neighborhood/city/province/country you live in.

This article was actually pretty funny. Well played, sir.

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#100 DW
November 16 2013, 06:49PM
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This is my first time commenting. I have never been motivated enough to do so. Even with my team as dismal as they are. This alleged human is a giant a__hole. What a DB any reason why you let him post this here?

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