FGD: Double Secret Lottery Probation

Justin Azevedo
April 12 2013 10:11AM

 


 

Dean Bettman: Bill, what is the worst team in this league?

Bill: Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.

Dean Bettman: Cut the crap, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the hot tub? Who delivered the used equipment to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with jock straps. Every spring, the benches explode.

Bill: You're talking about Calgary, sir.

Dean Bettman: Of course I'm talking about Calgary, you Twerp! This year is going to be different. This year we are going to grab the bull by the balls and kick those punks out of the league.

Bill: What do you intend to do sir? Calgary's already in the lottery.

Dean Bettman: They are?

Bill: Yes, sir.

Dean Bettman: Oh. Then as of this moment, they're on double secret lottery probation!

Bill: Double secret lottery probation, sir?

Dean Bettman: There is a little-known codicil in the National Hockey League constitution which gives the dean unlimited power to preserve order in time of league emergency. Find me a way to revoke Calgary's charter. You live next door. Put Doan on it. He's a sneaky little bugger, just like you, right? The time has come for someone to put their foot down. And that foot is me.

~

Doan: Dress that line. Dress that line, mister! Dress that line, player. Mister, hold my mount. [to Cervenka] You fat, disgusting slob! You're a goddamned disgrace!

Tanguay: (aside) A vicious mother, isn't he?

Cammalleri: He can't do that to our players.

Tanguay: Only we can do that to our players.

Doan: Redo those skate laces! Dress those pant buckles! Straighten that helmet! And goddamn it, untuck that jersey! Attention! Eyes front! What's that on your chest, mister?

Cervenka: It's a crest, sir.

Doan: A crest! On your uniform? Just tell me, mister, what team would sign a man like you?

Cervenka: It's a Flames crest, sir.

~

Cammalleri: Point of parliamentary procedure!

Backlund: Don't screw around, they're serious this time!

Cammalleri: Take it easy, I'm pre-law.

Tanguay: I thought you were post-biosteel.

Cammalleri: What's the difference? Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our injury reserve lists—we did. But you can't hold a whole team responsible for the behavior of a few, sick perverted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole NHL system? And if the whole NHL system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our sporting institutions in general? I put it to you, Bill: isn't this an indictment of our entire hockey society? Well, you can do what you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the great sport of hockey. Gentlemen!

[Leads the Flames out of the hearing, all humming "Ring of Fire"]

Bill: Order!

Dean Bettman: You've done it this time, buster! No more Flames! I'm calling the national office! I'm going to revoke your charter! And if you wiseguys do one more thing, one more, I'm going to kick you out of the league! No more winning of any kind!

~

Giordano: Hey, quit your blubberin'. When I get through with this baby you won't even recognize it.

Cammalleri: Cervenka, you can't spend your whole life worrying about your mistakes! You screwed up. You trusted us! Hey, make the best of it! Maybe we can help.

Cervenka: That's easy for you to say! What am I going to tell Jaromir?

Cammalleri: I'll tell you what. I'll swear you were doing a great job taking care of his Yugo, but, you parked it out back last night and this morning, it was gone. Gio takes care of the wreck. We report it to the police. Jaromir's insurance company buys him a new car.

Cervenka: Will that work?

Cammalleri: Hey, it's gotta work better than the truth.

Kiprusoff: My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

[Kiprusoff gives Cervenka a six-pack.]

Cammalleri: You better listen to him, Cherv. He's won a Vezina.

[Cammalleri and Kiprusoff shake hands.]

Giordano: There you go now, just leave everything to me.

[Giordano fires up his blow-torch and laughs.]

~

Kiprusoff: Christ! Fifteen years of hockey down the drain. Might as well join the fucking Oilers!

Glencross: My mother's gonna kill me.

Backlund: I knew it. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

Cervenka: Can't believe I threw up in front of Dean Bettman.

Tanguay: Face it, Roman. You threw up on Dean Bettman.

[Giordano walks in, supporting an injured Cammalleri.]

Giordano: Move. Move it.

Tanguay: Damn.

[Tanguay walks over and helps Giordano support Cammalleri.]

Tanguay: Jesus Christ! What happened? You look grotesque.

Cammalleri: Well, some of the Coyotes did a little dance on my face.

Kiprusoff: Who was it?

Cammalleri: Uh, it was Shane and Keith and some of the other Hitler youth.

Tanguay: Why? What ya do?

Cammalleri: I don't know. They're just animals, I guess. Looks like I missed something.

Tanguay: Yeah, you did. We're all officially kicked out of the league. Bettman just got our stats.

Cammalleri: They kicked us out of the league? Huh?! That makes sense.

Kiprusoff: Hey! What's this lying around crap?!

SVEN: Well, what the hell we s'posed to do, you moron?!

Giordano: War's over, man. Bettman dropped the big one.

Kiprusoff: What? Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Panthers stole the Cup from us in 2004? Hell no!

Cammalleri: Panthers?

Tanguay: Forget it. He's rolling.

Kiprusoff: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough . . . the tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go! C'mon!

[He runs out of the room screaming but then returns.]

Kiprusoff: What happened to the Flames I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh?! This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you're gonna let it be the worst! "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Kipper, we might get in trouble." Well, just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this! Bettman, he's a dead man! Daly, dead! Doan—

Cammalleri: Dead! Kipper's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now, we could fight 'em with conventional weapons - sticks and such. That could take years and cost millions of lives. Oh no. No, in this case, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.

Kiprusoff: And we're just the guys to do it.

[Tanguay and Giordano stand.]

Tanguay: Let's do it.

Kiprusoff: Let's do it!

[Everybody cheers and starts running out of the room, with Kiprusoff still standing there.]

Kiprusoff: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

[Kiprusoff runs out with them.]

- Inspiration

~

Go Flames. Game time is 7PM MST. Catch it on Sportsnet 960 The Fan or Sportsnet West.

A9d138d0e612f28cd46f9b7057ed715d
Justin is a 22-year-old Flames fan who also happens to be pursuing a double major at the University of Calgary. He has played hockey at high levels, enjoys wearing shorts and tends to drink far too much Grasshopper. Please don't hate him.
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#1 Derzie
April 12 2013, 10:29AM
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Awesome. The Kipper Belushi tie is a beauty.

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#2 Ryan Pike
April 12 2013, 10:53AM
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Kipper retired to Finland in the off-season, where became Senator Miikka Kiprusoff.

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#3 Baalzamon
April 12 2013, 11:01AM
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No Brodie? =(

Heh. Funny. Something different for the Game day thread. Hat tip, bro.

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#4 Subversive
April 12 2013, 11:50AM
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I. Do not. Understand this. At all.

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#5 insvenwetrust
April 12 2013, 11:55AM
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Wasnt sure what this was at first......did eminem help you write this lol...good job though i could imag ine this being a weird cartoon drawn by the same guy that did frankenweenie

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#6 insvenwetrust
April 12 2013, 11:58AM
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Ladies and gentlemen flamesnation has lost its mind lol..

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#7 lionlager
April 12 2013, 12:33PM
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I could totally see Belushi in a Flames jersey.

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#8 calgaryfan
April 12 2013, 12:41PM
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?????

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#9 Reidja
April 12 2013, 12:54PM
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It's like a reprise of Flames of our Lives and equally melodramatic.

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#10 schevvy
April 12 2013, 01:10PM
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I was waiting for the triumphant return of Jarome :(

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#11 BurningSensation
April 12 2013, 01:17PM
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God this made me feel old.

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#12 insvenwetrust
April 12 2013, 01:20PM
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Number 14 would be good in here too lol add a cameo from theo

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#13 ChinookArch
April 12 2013, 02:14PM
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Subversive wrote:

I. Do not. Understand this. At all.

You may have benefited by being born before 1980 to understand this piece.

Over? Did you say over? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the German's bombed Pearl Harbour? Hell No!"

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#14 Kent Wilson
April 12 2013, 02:38PM
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Apparently a lot of folks have never seen Animal House.

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#15 Jeff In Lethbridge
April 12 2013, 04:05PM
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I don't think Kipper knows the "F" word???

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#16 fretsey
April 12 2013, 04:53PM
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"Cammalleri: Take it easy, I'm pre-law.

Tanguay: I thought you were post-biosteel."

Should have said "post-apex"!

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#17 NateBaldwin
April 12 2013, 04:57PM
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@Kent Wilson

That didn't stop me from clicking the ' inspiration' link

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#18 loudogYYC
April 12 2013, 05:27PM
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I was born in 81 and spent 10 years of my youth in South America, so I missed out on a lot of this funny stuff.

Can Animal House be found on Netflix?

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#19 FireOnIce
April 12 2013, 05:43PM
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loudogYYC wrote:

I was born in 81 and spent 10 years of my youth in South America, so I missed out on a lot of this funny stuff.

Can Animal House be found on Netflix?

Possibly. If not, it's worth picking up the DVD. I'm sure they have it on the cheap at any store that sells DVDs.

Tip of that hat to you Mr Azevedo, that was hilarious.

On a side note, looks like the Flames have signed Ben Hanowski (as per http://flames.nhl.com/club/news.htm?id=665538). Two-year ELC (new CBA rule?), somehow it's $810K per season and $925K AAV. Have no idea how that's possible.

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#20 Baalzamon
April 12 2013, 05:48PM
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@FireOnIce

The 2 years is (I presume) because he's ~23

The higher AAV than salary is because of bonuses.

If you're referring to the contract limit, the contract doesn't start until next year (I believe). If the Flames want him to play in Abbotsford this year, I think they have to sign him to a tryout.

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#21 loudogYYC
April 12 2013, 05:50PM
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@FireOnIce

$90K signing bonus. And they say no one hands you money when you're done with University...

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#22 JFK
April 12 2013, 06:29PM
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Thanks now I have to watch Animal House again! If Calgary loses tonight I'll call it a win-win situation. Hate cheering against our boys but it is in the best interests of the org to lose every game left and get top 3 pick.

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#23 JFK
April 12 2013, 06:31PM
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PS. Should have had Vernon or Theo ride up the stairs on the motorbike ala Donald Sutherland. Epic!

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#24 negrilcowboy
April 12 2013, 07:26PM
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no hobey for johnny, will he stay or will he sign?

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#25 Kent Wilson
April 12 2013, 07:30PM
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Hudler back in tonight. So long Jones.

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#26 Kent Wilson
April 12 2013, 07:31PM
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@negrilcowboy

He's already said he is returning to BC next year.

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#27 negrilcowboy
April 12 2013, 07:35PM
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Kent Wilson wrote:

He's already said he is returning to BC next year.

the hawks signed leblanc, too bad there wasn't any action by feaster et all. undrafted ncaa free agent and hankowski's linemate. this guy is the best ncaa guy and the flames missed out. nice

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#28 schevvy
April 12 2013, 07:37PM
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The nice thing is all Flames games now are win-win. A win? Good for the kids. A loss? Closer to 1st overall

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#29 negrilcowboy
April 12 2013, 07:37PM
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mike smith's wife bridgette acton former canadian olympian is one hot number. gorgeous blonde looks amazing in ski pants

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#30 Austin
April 12 2013, 07:37PM
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Don't be ignorant. Feaster obviously talked to him, but if you were Leblanc, would you want to play for a cup contender or a rebuilding team. Obviously Chicago.

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#31 schevvy
April 12 2013, 07:39PM
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Well that was fast.

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#32 schevvy
April 12 2013, 07:40PM
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Giordano has been bad this year. Might cost him the "C" next year

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#33 negrilcowboy
April 12 2013, 07:40PM
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Austin wrote:

Don't be ignorant. Feaster obviously talked to him, but if you were Leblanc, would you want to play for a cup contender or a rebuilding team. Obviously Chicago.

ignorant?

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#34 Kent Wilson
April 12 2013, 07:41PM
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Really good shift for the Backlund line.

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#35 negrilcowboy
April 12 2013, 07:42PM
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schevvy wrote:

Giordano has been bad this year. Might cost him the "C" next year

jordano hasn't been right since the injury schevvy. seems abit tentative. by the way wideman showed ya why he gave dale hunter fits in both london and washington.

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#36 schevvy
April 12 2013, 07:42PM
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@Kent Wilson

Except for Tanguay. He has been awful.

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#37 negrilcowboy
April 12 2013, 07:45PM
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schevvy wrote:

Except for Tanguay. He has been awful.

i am french and will sit in the corner and pout, is tanguay's mantra. tangs obviously wants out. toxic

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#38 Q
April 12 2013, 07:52PM
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Keep the goals coming pheonix! I don't want one more win! So is the college junk we traded for gonna play for us next yr?

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#39 Kent Wilson
April 12 2013, 07:56PM
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@schevvy

Yeah he killed the play twice on that shift.

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#40 Kent Wilson
April 12 2013, 08:00PM
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That latest one was a better segment for Tangs.

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#41 Kent Wilson
April 12 2013, 08:02PM
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Ol timey glove save there.

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#42 Ryan Pike
April 12 2013, 08:02PM
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Kids are playing well tonight.

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#43 schevvy
April 12 2013, 08:08PM
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Backs gets an assist. That's good

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#44 Q
April 12 2013, 08:09PM
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@negrilcowboy

Finally someone who agrees with me! Thank you! It is toxic! I don't care about his shootout skills! They need to jettison his a$$ outta there! Haven't seen a sulker like him in a while! So whats the deal with maher trying to sound like he speaks chek? Every time he says cervenka he says cheddarvenka! Sounds so freakn corny! The Jordano thing is stupid too!

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#45 Kent Wilson
April 12 2013, 08:09PM
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Brodie is so very good.

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#46 Baalzamon
April 12 2013, 08:10PM
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We knew things had to start going in for Backlund sooner or later. He had deviated too far from his 0.5 ppg%

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#47 Kent Wilson
April 12 2013, 08:11PM
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@Baalzamon

Pucks had to start going in for him at some point.

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#48 Kent Wilson
April 12 2013, 08:13PM
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Chances were 6-4 PHX. They had the PP though. They were 4-4 at ES.

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#49 A
April 12 2013, 08:14PM
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I don't mind hudler wideman Glennx and Gio. That's all the veterans we want to stay. I might be ok with stempniak too. He works hard. We need losses with the youth workn hard at the same time!

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#50 Kent Wilson
April 12 2013, 08:18PM
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Since the Edmonton game, this team doesn't look that bad at all to tell you the truth. I was fully prepared for them to fall off a cliff completely, but they are still quite competitive.

makes the dive for five that much more bearable.

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