The Pond Ain't So Scary If You Know How To Swim

bookofloob
April 30 2015 04:01PM

Honda-Center-Most-Feared-Building-in-the-NHL

If you say so

In the unassailable cult classic film, The Mighty Ducks, Coach Gordon Bombay, as portrayed by the illustrious Emilio Estevez, surmises that you never see a duck in a fight, because "The other animals are afraid. They know, if they mess with one duck, they have to deal with the whole flock,"

That may be true, but ol' Gord fails to mention that if you did happen to get into a tussle with one of our feathered friends, that if you stepped on it, or hit it in the eye, or poked it with a stick, or, I don't know, set it on fire, the other wannabe geese are probably not stepping in and you have earned the right to hoist the crown over your head, proclaiming you Grand Ruler Of All Ducks.

I mean quite honestly, if I fought a flock of ducks, I would trounce them so handily that I could set ten of them up in a triangle, and bowl the eleventh bird at the pile and get a strike and buy cheap beer in the lounge later on.

I suppose what I'm getting at is if your second round playoff opponent exists solely because of a popular Disney movie from before the days where anyone had the internet at home to entertain them, maybe it's silly to be that worried about the outcome of the series.

Today, we're going to talk about why it's stupid to pay any attention to Calgary's futile record at the Honda Center, and why we shouldn't be concerned about our heroes in red playing there, outside of an increased chance of exposure to mumps (that was obligatory and I'm sorry, but you know I had to). My amazing pal Stace, who has a history when it comes to pointing out the inequities of the Ducks, will join us to give the perspective of a Duck hating hockey fan living in Southern California (if you enjoyed her thoughts on how boring the Blackhawks are, you'll want to stick around), and, in general, we'll just make fun of Anaheim for being the low brow shitdemon of the league where sorrow is born and misery is raised as an insolent son with boundary issues and loves Sublime.

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Whales Can't Skate

bookofloob
April 15 2015 04:02PM

orca-in-ice

Because they don't have legs, y'all.

Well, Citizens, our day has come. and for the first time since the birth of this fabulous little blog, we get to cover your Calgary Flames as they battle their way through the playoffs, and for someone who has been doing this writing thing since the Fredrik Modin era in bygone Flames history, this was beginning to look like a day I'd never see.

Nonetheless, we're all here now, and I don't know about you, but I'm itchin' to get down to business! We've been covering our heroes and their chances since that fateful day our brave giantkillers #BeatLA and clinched their spot in the tournament of champions. We've profiled everyone, and will continue to do so.

And we've known this whole time that the Flaming C is facing off against their long time rival and over-border hoodrat Vancouver Canucks, yet here at the Nation, we have not spilled much digital ink talking about that. And I feel it's important we do, because they're the enemy now, one we know so very well, and if we're not hating them, we're not trying. So that's what we're going to do today.

For the past 5 or 6 days, we've heard all the experts and Johnny know it alls in the local media weigh in on the series, and while there are a lot of calls for the plucky underdog Flames to limp on out of the series with their hands raised in victory, most scribes are giving the nod to Vancouver, and putting a lot of lipstick on a pig in the process.

That pig is Kevin Bieksa.

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Flames Nation Power Rankings: Shout Out To Numbers

bookofloob
March 16 2015 08:30AM

prankings

Another week, another series of "Against All Odds" wins for your Calgary Flames (actually, in reality there was just one because the Leafs are hilariously bad and the victory over that hapless bunch of sucks was about as dominant a win as we've seen all year, and then reality kinda caught up to the Flaming C in a loss to the surging Colorado Avalanche who are the worst and are bad and need to be stopped)

While these wins are super, SUPER fun, it does have a lot of fans and outside observers beginning to fall prey to confirmation bias, in which the dramatic wins have people believing that this team is good despite being outplayed and consistently outpossessed. (be honest, you wouldn't have been surprised if this were real)

This is, of course, crazy, but when you boil it down, the very nature of professional sports is downright asinine, so you'll forgive fans if they're willing to look past some pretty glaring truths.

I'm not here to re-open the debate, just to point out that this week was highlighted by discussion surrounding the Flames from all over the league, about when the other shoe is going to drop, and the resulting perceived but not really real war between stats advocates and the normies. It got stupid and no one liked it, and we really need to stop arguing over it (mostly because stats nerds won, just accept it).

Anyway, maybe we're in need of a distraction from all of this, so here's this week's power rankings, which are the most serious piece of news you'll read all week, so get your eyeholes all prepped now. Let's ride.

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Late Afternoon Flames Nation Power Rankings: I Got Nothing Left

bookofloob
March 09 2015 03:56PM

prankings


Well, Citizens, the good news is that crazy things keep happening to the Flames on what has been truly a wild ride of a season, and that's helping me complete these power rankings, and that's good, because I'm certainly not creative enough to get through a week of rankings for, let's say Winnipeg, where generally nothing interesting ever seems to happen.

(I just recoiled at the thought of being a Jets fan. Oh gag)

Anyway, I think this week's piece will demonstrate both of these things: The Flames year is ridiculous and fun, and I am bad at this.

So read on, and remember, as always, the gravity and serious intent of this. It's kind of a big deal.

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Flames Nation Weekly Power Rankings: How To Make This Worse

bookofloob
March 03 2015 03:16PM

prankings

Let's face it, yesterday sucked. On a personal note, I had to come back from a week long trip to California (I got a sunburn in February, so yeah, it was pretty good) and every time I got off a plane (I had two connector flights because I wanted to save like probably only $30 or something) bad things happened.

My first connection was in Salt Lake City and two monumentally bad things happened. A) I was in Salt Lake City, and B) Sven got traded. But not only did Sven get traded, Sven got traded to THEM.

Then, upon setting foot into Sea-Tac on what was actually a very lovely afternoon in Seattle, I was beset with paralysis after reading the news that Mark Giordano was to miss the rest of the season (and playoffs, as if to suggest this team has any business being in the playoffs with Giordano out of the lineup)

We were all still trying to come to terms with the hilarity of David Clarkson killing the Leafs being ruined, then these bombshells. There is maybe a prevailing thought amongst you, the readers of this fine blog, that these here power rankings might distract you from the grim reality plaguing our heroes in Cowtown, and I'm here to tell you "I don't know".

So here they are! As always, please take them very. seriously.

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