Now I Got Worry: The Flames Ain't Playin' Hockey (REDUX!)

bookofloob
September 25 2012 11:45AM

(Whoops.  I meant to add a whole ton more to this piece before I published it.  Now it just feels incomplete, so I'm adding everything all anew.  If you read this before, read it again.  I promise it will be better - BoL)

I don't know if any of you out there have noticed, but there's not a lot going on at the Dome today. It's like the players, coaches, scouts, management, media, and fans all collectively forgot to attend training camp this morning. I have no idea why.

I suppose that contentious little quibbling over money might have something to do with it, but the fact remains: your Calgary Flames are not playing hockey. Like, anywhere, man. We should find this distressing.

But considering how up in arms the masses got when the news broke that the Flames wouldn't be playing at a golf tournament, the relative detachment from the C of Red on this subject buffaloes my understanding of just what people want this team to do. Clearly, dissecting the inner workings of the average Flames fan is well beyond the scope of my own expertise, so that's going to be an experiment for another day.

Especially since there's just so much more to talk about when it comes to the team and where they'll find themselves playing during the lockout (more specifically, where they aren't)

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Two Minutes Hate! The Trevor Kidd Edition

bookofloob
September 20 2012 04:44PM

 

 

You could have been Martin Brodeur.

Actually you could have been Marty Brodeur, Keith Tkachuk, Bryan Smolinski, Felix Potvin, Doug Weight, Geoff Sanderson, Slava Kozlov, Alex Zhamnov, Sergei Zubov, some guy named Craig Conroy, Robert Lang, Peter Bondra, or Sergei Nemchinov, but you you could have been Marty Brodeur.

Instead, you were Trevor Kidd. Fletcher's Mistake.

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So You Still Want To Watch Hockey During The Lockout

bookofloob
September 19 2012 12:11PM

 

 

G'day Hockey Fans! (If you haven't figured it out, that's "Hello, Hockey Fans!", as exclaimed by broadcasting God and Calgary Flames legend Eddie Whalen IF he were Australian National Treasure Paul Hogan. These and other adorable cultural stereotypes to follow)

So you, the loyal NHL fan who spent all your milk money on hockey tickets and plush Henrik Zetterberg body pillows and not even any milk, have just had the NHL spit on your neck by locking out the players for the first time ever for a gut-jarringly depressing third time, and you're wondering what to do. Daddy is a hockey junkie jonesin' for a hit. So where do you turn? Rehab would help, but I'm not here to judge you.

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How I Spent My Lockout Vacation: Jay Bouwmeester

bookofloob
September 14 2012 09:41AM

 

 

The year is 2012. The month is...let's say December. The NHL lockout is now over and behind us and we never have to think about it again for another seven years. We all survived that Bristol Palin poker celebrity cruise show that aired on Sportsnet every night in place of NHL broadcasts. The locusts, in the end, were merciful invaders and moved onto greener pastures, leaving us with mere crumbs, which we devoured gratefully and without shame. But at least the Mayans were wrong, so high five on that.

Your Calgary Flames return to the Saddledome, refreshed and relaxed after an extended break away from the rink. With FlamesNation having a tremendous, some would say inappropriate amount of access to the team, coupled with the bluster to do what we want that only comes from knowing there's no one out there who can stand in our way, we approached the Flames to provide us with  short essays documenting how they spent their lockout vacation. Which is what we're calling it now. Again, because we can.

So withough further adieu, here is ACTUALLY Jay Bouwmeester, and totally NOT a parody essay fabricated by The Book of Loob, on his Lockout Vacation.

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Gold Jacket, Green Jacket, Who Gives A S--?

bookofloob
September 11 2012 07:37PM

 

 

For all the jokes we've made over the years about your Calgary Flames playing golf, apparently it's a big deal when they actually don't.

If you hadn't heard the news, and you probably didn't because whatever, The Flames are not going to play in their annual charity golf tournament this Thursday.

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