GDB/GDFD 59: La bataille d’Alberta


Yeah, so you might say this is a biggie for us.

Wanye Gretz: Ever since our crew personally oversaw the invention of the written word, electricity, hockey, the internet and finally both nations we have had one goal on the horizon. One goal that was so much in the forefront of everyone’s mind that bingofuel actually broke up with his girlfriend this week to make sure nothing distracted him.

For the first time in the 6 billion-year history of the Earth, Oilers fans and Flames fans can come somewhere and chirp at one another during a Battle of Alberta game.

Now just like when playing nude Jenga there are rules here too. No male on male accidental contact for starters. No personal attacks, profanity laced tirades or other offside nonsensery if you please. Is this because we are boring? No. It’s because if we don’t have some rules of engagement we will probably start a war that will eventually end in Red Deer with Kent W and Willis brawling with Klingon Bat-leths over who has the ability to really lay claim to the last initial “W.” But funny/witty commentary? Oh yeah. Pointing out the obvious like the fact that Calgary turned it’s back on all forms of cerebral logic and signed Todd Bertuzzi? Good to go.

And so now I hand it to our colleagues at FlamesNation and see a Wanye Life Dream™ fulfilled. Next to achieve? Three-way with Natalie Portman and Carrie Underwood.

I have waited for this day for over two years!!!!!!

TLP: Man, I love Battle of Alberta games. The rivalry, the drama, the easiest two points Calgary will earn all season. It’s just magical.

Now, I don’t know how many Oiler fans mosey over to FlamesNation to check out what Kent and I have to say (it’s all really great, believe me!), but since this is being posted on both sides of “The Nation,” I will make certain concessions to our neighbors to the north, namely first explaining myself in a normal way, then dumbing it way, way down for all you clods that can’t get a job in a real city that people want to live in.

Now, let’s be honest with ourselves and say that the Oilers have been going through a bit of a rough patch the past few years in terms of players not wanting to come to your city or stay there, a general manager that was widely regarded as “borderline retarded,” and a coach who lost his team three months ago and still, somehow, has a job.
(Trans.: Edmonton bad! Players hate! Lowe dumdum! Coach mean!)

Meanwhile, Calgary (you might know it by its other name: Not-Loserville) has had its cup run over with success and happiness. Players want to come here, Darryl Sutter makes good decisions, and Mike Keenan.. well, at least he’s not Jim Playfair.
(Trans.: Everyone like! Big wins! Fun times! Happy all day no sad!)

We at FlamesNation understand that you’re probably a fan of the Oilers because of, say, the 1980s. Can’t blame you. We know it’s hard not to root for a winner. But guys, the 1980s were like 30 years ago almost! It’s time to start living in the here and now. And if you want, we’ll even take you in down here if you’re among Edmonton’s best and brightest. We’ve been looking for someone to clean up all the stables down at the Stampede Grounds anyway.
(Trans.: Cup Days gone! Flames fan good! Sweep poop yes?)

Seriously though, the Flames are going to annihilate you.

All my love,

Kent W: At the conclusion of George Orwell’s 1984, Protagonist Winston Smith comes to the realization that he loves his nemesis – the State. I think that’s about where I’m at with the Oilers these days, although I come by affection more honestly: there was no room 101 or psychological torture required – I just honestly enjoy watching the Oilers play.

I love watching Dustin Penner lumber around. It always brings a smile to my face to think of the draft picks it required to grab him, or his absurd $4.25M/year albatross of a contract.

I giggle when I see the ‘C’ on Ethan Moreau’s chest. It gives me pleasure to check the Oilers ever-full injury list. I laugh whenever I remember that Jeff Drouin-Deslasarasrfasdfsadfasdrsdfs is the only goalie the club has signed through next year.

The negative goal differential, the constantly being outshot, the worse than average special teams, Kevin Lowe’s comb-over; I love it all. MacTavish’s post game press-conferences are frequently delightful. Zach Stortini’s cartoonish countenance and laughable “fighting” style – it’s all good. Oh, and thanks for Curtis Glencross by the way…

I think what I love most, however, is the continued mediocrity. Edmonton doesn’t suck like, say, the Islanders or the Thrashers. There’s always the faint possibility of making the play-offs on the horizon for the Oilers. That chance, however slim, like the distant scent of baking bread to the staring, drives the organization stumbling forward each off-season and trade deadline, salivating and half crazed, desperate for the taste of success.

As such, they’re never a big threat to get any better. To take the big leap. Like a hopeless junkie, the Oilers never seem to reach their “bottom” so there’s never any real chance of a recovery. Blow it up and start anew? Move veterans for draft picks? It’s hard to do when 8th in the conference is spitting distance away, isn’t it?

It won’t bother me if the Flames lose this evening. Calgary is 12 points up on Edmonton and have little to gain by a victory. Edmonton, on the other hand, can scratch closer to the final play-off spot and move another step nearer to becoming a buyer at the trade deadline. And I would love that too.

It’s win-win for me tonight gents. Im going to crack a beer and cheer for every single goal that’s scored.

Kent Wilson

  • RCN

    But guys, the 1980s were like 30 years ago almost! It’s time to start living in the here and now.

    Calgary Flames – Stanley Cup Champions 1989

    Edmonton Oilers – Stanley Cup Champions 1990

    5 Stanley Cups > 1 Stanley Cup

    You're grammar skills are surprisingly acceptable, but your math and memory skills, not so much.

  • RCN

    Flames….I love when all you dorks start saying, all you have is the eighties. Well…we have more cups in the 90's as well. And in the new era…we both went to game seven. So please continue, to be the second best team in Alberta and the second least successful team in Canada…and the sens you beat…are slowly catching you.

    And I hope Souray smashs iggy in his wrinkled forehead, so he looks even more autistic.

  • RCN

    My heart wants me to say that we are going to win – but our Coloassal Fossil in net may be too tired for us to pull this one out.

    That being said, I hope it is a spirited event. Needs to be at least about 4 fights in the first period. One of them Gagner making Cammellari eat a punch for every goal he has scored this season. Then Storts to has to bitch slap GlenX.

  • RCN

    I'm probably going to be too drunk to care by the time this game starts anyway. I just hope someone messes up Jim Vandermeer's face again.
    And if someone cuts Kippers hammy with a skate accidentally, then that's cool too.

  • RCN

    FMNF.I have checked out Flamesnation and these guys write well and are engaging, as evidenced above. That being said, there's a couple of points I'd like to indicate:
    – Calgary Sucks
    – The Flaming "C" on the jersey? Stands for CHOKE.
    – The Flameouts have been this (indicates Wanye's limp penis) much better than the Oil the last few years…respective Cup runs noted.
    – Calgary Sucks

    Can't wait for tonight, this should be fun!
    Oilers 3-2. Hemsky,Gilbert, and the Flying French Fridge with his first NHL goal.(Anyone notice the league took his assist away from Thursday? Wouldn't want to be him at the morning skate today!)
    SmacIntyre will look like he's starting a lawwnmower on the face of whatever Flameout is stupid enough to drop 'em, here are so many to choose from (Please God, let it be Regher).

  • RCN



  • RCN

    I bet Vandameer can't have his afternoon nap today. He is laying in the fetal position sweating and thinking about his last encounter with big Mac. Roy probably hasn't left Calgary.

  • RCN

    Calgary Flames – Stanley Cup Champions 1989
    Edmonton Oilers – Stanley Cup Champions 1990
    5 Stanley Cups > 1 Stanley Cup
    You’re grammar skills are surprisingly acceptable, but your math and memory skills, not so much.

    Well played.

  • RCN

    B-rad wrote:

    And I hope Souray smashs iggy in his wrinkled forehead, so he looks even more autistic.

    i can't tell if your insulting iggy or autistic people for saying they look alike!

  • RCN

    I predict a ten to one post rate by Oiler fans… because we really care. I also predict that Rexall Place won't be full of boring exectives; posing in their tacky red jerseys with thier plastic wives; texting one another on their Blackberries. Today is HOCKEY DAY in Canada! Best day of the year! Despite the fact the Flames are flush with talent born right here in Edmonton; I predict an Oiler come from behind victory, three fights, and hurt feeling online. GO OILERS!