GDB/GDFD 59: La bataille d’Alberta


Yeah, so you might say this is a biggie for us.

Wanye Gretz: Ever since our crew personally oversaw the invention of the written word, electricity, hockey, the internet and finally both nations we have had one goal on the horizon. One goal that was so much in the forefront of everyone’s mind that bingofuel actually broke up with his girlfriend this week to make sure nothing distracted him.

For the first time in the 6 billion-year history of the Earth, Oilers fans and Flames fans can come somewhere and chirp at one another during a Battle of Alberta game.

Now just like when playing nude Jenga there are rules here too. No male on male accidental contact for starters. No personal attacks, profanity laced tirades or other offside nonsensery if you please. Is this because we are boring? No. It’s because if we don’t have some rules of engagement we will probably start a war that will eventually end in Red Deer with Kent W and Willis brawling with Klingon Bat-leths over who has the ability to really lay claim to the last initial “W.” But funny/witty commentary? Oh yeah. Pointing out the obvious like the fact that Calgary turned it’s back on all forms of cerebral logic and signed Todd Bertuzzi? Good to go.

And so now I hand it to our colleagues at FlamesNation and see a Wanye Life Dream™ fulfilled. Next to achieve? Three-way with Natalie Portman and Carrie Underwood.

I have waited for this day for over two years!!!!!!

TLP: Man, I love Battle of Alberta games. The rivalry, the drama, the easiest two points Calgary will earn all season. It’s just magical.

Now, I don’t know how many Oiler fans mosey over to FlamesNation to check out what Kent and I have to say (it’s all really great, believe me!), but since this is being posted on both sides of “The Nation,” I will make certain concessions to our neighbors to the north, namely first explaining myself in a normal way, then dumbing it way, way down for all you clods that can’t get a job in a real city that people want to live in.

Now, let’s be honest with ourselves and say that the Oilers have been going through a bit of a rough patch the past few years in terms of players not wanting to come to your city or stay there, a general manager that was widely regarded as “borderline retarded,” and a coach who lost his team three months ago and still, somehow, has a job.
(Trans.: Edmonton bad! Players hate! Lowe dumdum! Coach mean!)

Meanwhile, Calgary (you might know it by its other name: Not-Loserville) has had its cup run over with success and happiness. Players want to come here, Darryl Sutter makes good decisions, and Mike Keenan.. well, at least he’s not Jim Playfair.
(Trans.: Everyone like! Big wins! Fun times! Happy all day no sad!)

We at FlamesNation understand that you’re probably a fan of the Oilers because of, say, the 1980s. Can’t blame you. We know it’s hard not to root for a winner. But guys, the 1980s were like 30 years ago almost! It’s time to start living in the here and now. And if you want, we’ll even take you in down here if you’re among Edmonton’s best and brightest. We’ve been looking for someone to clean up all the stables down at the Stampede Grounds anyway.
(Trans.: Cup Days gone! Flames fan good! Sweep poop yes?)

Seriously though, the Flames are going to annihilate you.

All my love,

Kent W: At the conclusion of George Orwell’s 1984, Protagonist Winston Smith comes to the realization that he loves his nemesis – the State. I think that’s about where I’m at with the Oilers these days, although I come by affection more honestly: there was no room 101 or psychological torture required – I just honestly enjoy watching the Oilers play.

I love watching Dustin Penner lumber around. It always brings a smile to my face to think of the draft picks it required to grab him, or his absurd $4.25M/year albatross of a contract.

I giggle when I see the ‘C’ on Ethan Moreau’s chest. It gives me pleasure to check the Oilers ever-full injury list. I laugh whenever I remember that Jeff Drouin-Deslasarasrfasdfsadfasdrsdfs is the only goalie the club has signed through next year.

The negative goal differential, the constantly being outshot, the worse than average special teams, Kevin Lowe’s comb-over; I love it all. MacTavish’s post game press-conferences are frequently delightful. Zach Stortini’s cartoonish countenance and laughable “fighting” style – it’s all good. Oh, and thanks for Curtis Glencross by the way…

I think what I love most, however, is the continued mediocrity. Edmonton doesn’t suck like, say, the Islanders or the Thrashers. There’s always the faint possibility of making the play-offs on the horizon for the Oilers. That chance, however slim, like the distant scent of baking bread to the staring, drives the organization stumbling forward each off-season and trade deadline, salivating and half crazed, desperate for the taste of success.

As such, they’re never a big threat to get any better. To take the big leap. Like a hopeless junkie, the Oilers never seem to reach their “bottom” so there’s never any real chance of a recovery. Blow it up and start anew? Move veterans for draft picks? It’s hard to do when 8th in the conference is spitting distance away, isn’t it?

It won’t bother me if the Flames lose this evening. Calgary is 12 points up on Edmonton and have little to gain by a victory. Edmonton, on the other hand, can scratch closer to the final play-off spot and move another step nearer to becoming a buyer at the trade deadline. And I would love that too.

It’s win-win for me tonight gents. Im going to crack a beer and cheer for every single goal that’s scored.

Kent Wilson

  • RCN

    Chris wrote:

    Despite the fact the Flames are flush with talent born right here in Edmonton;

    i actually went to school with phagneuf, everyone thought he was a loser then…

    now he is a rich loser

    Flames Suck!

  • RCN

    Calgary Flames – Stanley Cup Champions 1989
    Edmonton Oilers – Stanley Cup Champions 1990
    5 Stanley Cups > 1 Stanley Cup
    You’re grammar skills are surprisingly acceptable, but your math and memory skills, not so much.

    Well played.

  • RCN

    I predict a ten to one post rate by Oiler fans… because we really care. I also predict that Rexall Place won't be full of boring exectives; posing in their tacky red jerseys with thier plastic wives; texting one another on their Blackberries. Today is HOCKEY DAY in Canada! Best day of the year! Despite the fact the Flames are flush with talent born right here in Edmonton; I predict an Oiler come from behind victory, three fights, and hurt feeling online. GO OILERS!

  • RCN

    Chris wrote:

    I predict a ten to one post rate by Oiler fans…

    Unfortunately, Flamesnation is still in its infancy so word is yet to reach the masses… these things take time. Like Oilersnation last year!
    Chris wrote:

    Despite the fact the Flames are flush with talent born right here in Edmonton

    How about that eh? Love the pride down there… Iginla and Phaneuf wearing the C due to drafting and trading… all the while longing to wear the oil drop that they grew up idolizing. They die a little inside everytime they have to roll Rexall and realize they are playing for the flames.

  • RCN

    Robin B wrote:

    @ B-rad:
    Flames didn’t skate lines this morning. Everybody just stood in a circle around Iron and peed their pants.

    where as at our practice the oilers just stood around MacT and rolled their eyes……lol

  • RCN

    Well, I'd like to say we'll walk away with the 2, but the Spock in me says Calgary 6-3. We'd need Vis, Grebs AND Pisani to make a game of it.

    See? I'm employing the universal power of negativity here folks. It works uhhh… some of the time. Oilers 3-2 and Spock be damned.

  • RCN

    TLP wrote:

    jeanshorts wrote:

    You’re grammar skills are surprisingly acceptable

    ah, irony

    I. Uh. No. He. Wait. Umm.


    *slams back more JD to ease the pain of everyday life*

  • RCN

    RLH wrote:

    Just to add fuel to this little blaze…Anyone remember “Gola”?
    Time to start drinking.

    Careful the Oilers secret service will shut this place down if you so much as mention the song…"Goala"..


  • RCN

    But guys, the 1980s were like 30 years ago almost! It’s time to start living in the here and now.

    Calgary Flames – Stanley Cup Champions 1989

    Edmonton Oilers – Stanley Cup Champions 1990

    5 Stanley Cups > 1 Stanley Cup

    You're grammar skills are surprisingly acceptable, but your math and memory skills, not so much.

  • RCN

    Flames….I love when all you dorks start saying, all you have is the eighties. Well…we have more cups in the 90's as well. And in the new era…we both went to game seven. So please continue, to be the second best team in Alberta and the second least successful team in Canada…and the sens you beat…are slowly catching you.

    And I hope Souray smashs iggy in his wrinkled forehead, so he looks even more autistic.

  • RCN

    My heart wants me to say that we are going to win – but our Coloassal Fossil in net may be too tired for us to pull this one out.

    That being said, I hope it is a spirited event. Needs to be at least about 4 fights in the first period. One of them Gagner making Cammellari eat a punch for every goal he has scored this season. Then Storts to has to bitch slap GlenX.

  • RCN

    Quick question for our neighbors from down south:

    What's it like to breed with a sibling? Sounds pretty nasty.

    As for TLP and Kent W – kudos on the smack talk. You boys brought it today…uh, you are boys right?

    Oil 3
    Flames 2

  • RCN

    Mike wrote:

    Now, now boys and girls. Let’s be fair to the Shames. They have had a lot more first round playoff eliminations than us in recent history.

    gotta make the playoffs to get bounced, big dog.

  • RCN

    Players want to come here, Darryl Sutter makes good decisions, and Mike Keenan….

    Ah Kent, spoken like the typical Flamer down south…

    Lets talk about the great UFA's that have come to Calgary…

    Cory Sarich..$3.6 million a year…IS that really better than Penner??? Is it? Penner was an awful signing but Sarich at 600,000 less is just as horrific.

    Or the other top end names, like Owen Nolan, Curtis Glencross (getting a boner over a 15 goal scorer, Typcial Flamer supporter). Or Bertuzzi…You guys all used to boo him, and now you would bend over for him. You've also cheered for Fuhr, Smith, Gelinas and now Glencross. Maybe Avery was right about Calgarians enjoying being second in line!!!!

    Can you name a big UFA that has come to Calgary? Didn't think so.

    And the usual lame comment, "Oiler fans live in the past"… The Flames went 14 years without winning one playoff series after their only Cup in 1989. And are once again starting another Playoff choke streak.

    And Kent, nice "I win either way" sit-on-the-fence view of the game. Calgarians still have an inferiority complex from Edmonton. We know it. That's why Calgary radio stations still mock Edmonton. We don't because we don't care about Cowtown, and it is never good to pick on the weak-kneed baby of the bunch.

    The Battle of Alberta is the only time I still cheer for the Oilers. the rest of the time the game is a business. I grew up HATING the Flames and I still do. The team sucks, they have a lame mascot, the rink is the stupidest layout in the history of hockey, and they are so cheap that they PAINT the names of award winners on a wall outside the lockerroom. Seriously, it is that tough to make some plaques??

    The Old Battles of Alberta were great…Fights, goals, hits and come playoff time Oiler wins. I remember Gretzky down the wing in 88, or Tikkanen's hat-trick in 1991 after the Flames led 3-0 in game 7. Can you honestly tell me it was that satisfying when Steve Smith scored to give the Flames their only playoff win over the Oilers. Did you celebrate wildly over a goal like that??? Just think about it. The only time you beat the Oilers, they scored the winning goal…kind of anti-climatic don't you think.

    Keep yammering on during the regular season about how great your team is…And then come playoff time you can once again watch them choke harder than a newbie girl in a Ron Jeremy flick.

    Who cares who scores tonight…I just want to see big hits, a few spirited tilts and then watch the loser Flames fans and their great retorts after the loss. "Well we are still 10 points ahead of you"..DORKS.

    A true Battle of Alberta fan knows that bragging rights in the head-to-head matchups mean more than the standings. You would think that a Flame fan would try to hold onto that. Boosting about Calgary's playoff success is equal to bragging about the Red Mile. Sure there were a few nice racks here and there, but for every good set there were 10 sets of "nipples racing belly button" pairs.