GDB/GDFD 59: La bataille d’Alberta

battlerages

Yeah, so you might say this is a biggie for us.

Wanye Gretz: Ever since our crew personally oversaw the invention of the written word, electricity, hockey, the internet and finally both nations we have had one goal on the horizon. One goal that was so much in the forefront of everyone’s mind that bingofuel actually broke up with his girlfriend this week to make sure nothing distracted him.

For the first time in the 6 billion-year history of the Earth, Oilers fans and Flames fans can come somewhere and chirp at one another during a Battle of Alberta game.

Now just like when playing nude Jenga there are rules here too. No male on male accidental contact for starters. No personal attacks, profanity laced tirades or other offside nonsensery if you please. Is this because we are boring? No. It’s because if we don’t have some rules of engagement we will probably start a war that will eventually end in Red Deer with Kent W and Willis brawling with Klingon Bat-leths over who has the ability to really lay claim to the last initial “W.” But funny/witty commentary? Oh yeah. Pointing out the obvious like the fact that Calgary turned it’s back on all forms of cerebral logic and signed Todd Bertuzzi? Good to go.

And so now I hand it to our colleagues at FlamesNation and see a Wanye Life Dream™ fulfilled. Next to achieve? Three-way with Natalie Portman and Carrie Underwood.

I have waited for this day for over two years!!!!!!
-WG

TLP: Man, I love Battle of Alberta games. The rivalry, the drama, the easiest two points Calgary will earn all season. It’s just magical.

Now, I don’t know how many Oiler fans mosey over to FlamesNation to check out what Kent and I have to say (it’s all really great, believe me!), but since this is being posted on both sides of “The Nation,” I will make certain concessions to our neighbors to the north, namely first explaining myself in a normal way, then dumbing it way, way down for all you clods that can’t get a job in a real city that people want to live in.

Now, let’s be honest with ourselves and say that the Oilers have been going through a bit of a rough patch the past few years in terms of players not wanting to come to your city or stay there, a general manager that was widely regarded as “borderline retarded,” and a coach who lost his team three months ago and still, somehow, has a job.
(Trans.: Edmonton bad! Players hate! Lowe dumdum! Coach mean!)

Meanwhile, Calgary (you might know it by its other name: Not-Loserville) has had its cup run over with success and happiness. Players want to come here, Darryl Sutter makes good decisions, and Mike Keenan.. well, at least he’s not Jim Playfair.
(Trans.: Everyone like! Big wins! Fun times! Happy all day no sad!)

We at FlamesNation understand that you’re probably a fan of the Oilers because of, say, the 1980s. Can’t blame you. We know it’s hard not to root for a winner. But guys, the 1980s were like 30 years ago almost! It’s time to start living in the here and now. And if you want, we’ll even take you in down here if you’re among Edmonton’s best and brightest. We’ve been looking for someone to clean up all the stables down at the Stampede Grounds anyway.
(Trans.: Cup Days gone! Flames fan good! Sweep poop yes?)

Seriously though, the Flames are going to annihilate you.

All my love,
TLP

Kent W: At the conclusion of George Orwell’s 1984, Protagonist Winston Smith comes to the realization that he loves his nemesis – the State. I think that’s about where I’m at with the Oilers these days, although I come by affection more honestly: there was no room 101 or psychological torture required – I just honestly enjoy watching the Oilers play.

I love watching Dustin Penner lumber around. It always brings a smile to my face to think of the draft picks it required to grab him, or his absurd $4.25M/year albatross of a contract.

I giggle when I see the ‘C’ on Ethan Moreau’s chest. It gives me pleasure to check the Oilers ever-full injury list. I laugh whenever I remember that Jeff Drouin-Deslasarasrfasdfsadfasdrsdfs is the only goalie the club has signed through next year.

The negative goal differential, the constantly being outshot, the worse than average special teams, Kevin Lowe’s comb-over; I love it all. MacTavish’s post game press-conferences are frequently delightful. Zach Stortini’s cartoonish countenance and laughable “fighting” style – it’s all good. Oh, and thanks for Curtis Glencross by the way…

I think what I love most, however, is the continued mediocrity. Edmonton doesn’t suck like, say, the Islanders or the Thrashers. There’s always the faint possibility of making the play-offs on the horizon for the Oilers. That chance, however slim, like the distant scent of baking bread to the staring, drives the organization stumbling forward each off-season and trade deadline, salivating and half crazed, desperate for the taste of success.

As such, they’re never a big threat to get any better. To take the big leap. Like a hopeless junkie, the Oilers never seem to reach their “bottom” so there’s never any real chance of a recovery. Blow it up and start anew? Move veterans for draft picks? It’s hard to do when 8th in the conference is spitting distance away, isn’t it?

It won’t bother me if the Flames lose this evening. Calgary is 12 points up on Edmonton and have little to gain by a victory. Edmonton, on the other hand, can scratch closer to the final play-off spot and move another step nearer to becoming a buyer at the trade deadline. And I would love that too.

It’s win-win for me tonight gents. Im going to crack a beer and cheer for every single goal that’s scored.

Sincerely,
Kent Wilson

  • RCN

    Lanny wrote:

    Your all a bunch of losers up in Edm. at least we have been making the play offs, and not hanging on to the past like you guys do. Your 4th line center is MacT!!!!!
    Lowe wears his flood pants and walks around the rink thinking of the good old days. I sure hope he keeps calling the shots there and leave you losers in medocracy as your winner coach would say. Oh and big Mac. Jerome will whip his ass and wipe it with Jason Gregors penis head

    I guess that explains why your Mom keeps kissing my head.

  • RCN

    Chris wrote:

    No. My bad. The Oilers swept the flames in 1988. In 1990 it was more competative… Of course the Oilers won that one too!

    They never met in 1990. Gretzky and the Kings beat them. Oilers beat them in 1991.

  • RCN

    Lanny wrote:

    Your all a bunch of losers up in Edm. at least we have been making the play offs, and not hanging on to the past like you guys do. Your 4th line center is MacT!!!!!
    Lowe wears his flood pants and walks around the rink thinking of the good old days. I sure hope he keeps calling the shots there and leave you losers in medocracy as your winner coach would say. Oh and big Mac. Jerome will whip his ass and wipe it with Jason Gregors penis head

    HAHAHAHA wait…. what? Is that it?

    Jason Gregor wrote:

    I guess that explains why your Mom keeps kissing my head.

    HAHAHAHAHA Now that's what I'm talking about!

  • RCN

    @ Lanny:

    Living in the past? Read my above post. (If you can)
    In every category that matters; the Oilers have had more RECENT success than the Flames.

    Last playoff win series win. Oilers.

    Last Cup. Oilers.

    Current season series. 2-1 Oilers.

    Last time the two teams met in the playoffs. Oilers.

    Wow Lanny. Your aging vetran team is going to win the Northwest. Congrats! Now go back to typing witty Calgarian remarks like, "Penis Head"… Very clever.

  • RCN

    "It won’t bother me if the Flames lose this evening. Calgary is 12 points up on Edmonton and have little to gain by a victory" – Kent W.

    So I guess what your saying is that, even if the Flames lose they are still in a much better standing and considered a superior team? Yes, that sounds almost exactly right.

    That being said, people who are willing to put money on this game are picking the Flames to win. Talk is cheap but those who like to bet on games and such have given the Flames quite solid odds (although surprisingly not as good as when SJS plays NYI, I have no idea why).

    This is also with the Flames being without two of their top 5 scorers. All that being said, despite belief, Iggy and Phaneuf always bring their 'A' games against the Coilers because they understand that NO ONE wants to live in Deadmonton; they experienced that first hand. I mean I didnt exactly see either of them lining up at the first opportunity to come back to their home town… This is probably because they dont wanna get stabbed walking down the street, or get shot in the Joeys restaurant (that actually happened).

    Oh crap I forgot we have to dumb it down for Edmontonians… ok let me reiterate it:

    -Flames more points = better team
    -talk = cheap, Odds for Calgary victory
    -Flames victory with key losses to lineup (Iggy = 4 point night)
    -No one likes Deadmonton; they die young

  • RCN

    I just reinacted tonights came at the outdoor rink to pay homage to "Hockey Day on Canada"

    Oilers Won 12 posts to the Flamers 4.

    Smid scored his first and Hemsky had 12 points (I was Hemsky).

    Phaneuf had the worst game of his career.

    Sorry Calgary you just sucked tonight!

  • RCN

    This nerdy internet fight is not even going to be funny. We have the numbers, and the wit.
    I feel sorry for KentW and TLP because they are going to be by themselves trying to bring to heat against 40 or so disgruntled Oil fans.

  • RCN

    B-rad wrote:

    Jason Gregor wrote:

    Cory Sarich..$3.6 million a year…IS that really better than Penner??? Is it? Penner was an awful signing but Sarich at 600,000 less is just as horrific.

    Umm sarich also didnt cost the organization a bunch of draft picks. Lowes a fool and in the running with Murray for the worst GM in the NHL. Both have no direction and Toronto will win the cup before both teams. Burke will retire a god to Toronto and all he'll do is laugh in Lowes face.

  • RCN

    jeanshorts wrote:

    This nerdy internet fight is not even going to be funny. We have the numbers, and the wit.
    I feel sorry for KentW and TLP because they are going to be by themselves trying to bring to heat against 40 or so disgruntled Oil fans.

    nuts to that dude, i'm gonna be drunk at some crummy bar by the time the puck drops.

    ps i live in boston so i am better off than either calgary or edmonton fans! USA USA USA

  • RCN

    Brent G. wrote:

    NO ONE wants to live in Deadmonton

    Typical @sshole Calgarian. Everyone here wants to talk hockey… Brent wants to insult the city. Let's compare FRANCHISES and ROSTERS loser! Many fans of the battle of Alberta make their homes all over the country…so this Calgary-Edmonton city thing is boring and irrelevant. Why is it that Calgary civic pride seems to be derrived solely from bashing Edmonton?

    Speaking of dumb, and dumbing down… Have you read anything by Lanny lately?

  • RCN

    jeanshorts wrote:

    @ TLP:
    How are you not cheering for the Bruins???????

    was never really a fan, and my grandfather who taught me all about hockey when i was a kid, was from calgary.

  • RCN

    Chris wrote:

    Brent G. wrote:

    Typical @sshole Calgarian. Everyone here wants to talk hockey… Brent wants to insult the city.

    Im much too lazy to go up and search because this blog is getting pretty long but if you feel so inclined read through it and you will have the opportunity of some Oiler fan commenting about how Iggy and Phaneuf want to return to Edmonton. Something to the tune of, "When they come to Rexall they are saddened to realize they will be playing for the Flames." It was purely provoked.

  • RCN

    Actually if you read through all kinds of the posts there was quite the convo about how no UFA worth mentioning wants to come to Edmonton, a losing organization… because no one wants to play in Deadmonton!

  • RCN

    Come on…. Let's go !

    Let's discuss something we can all agree on….

    Dave Brown – Battle of Alberta "All Time Greatest Fighter"

    ( for you Flames fans – He was a Oiler, who kicked ass )