GDB/GDFD 59: La bataille d’Alberta


Yeah, so you might say this is a biggie for us.

Wanye Gretz: Ever since our crew personally oversaw the invention of the written word, electricity, hockey, the internet and finally both nations we have had one goal on the horizon. One goal that was so much in the forefront of everyone’s mind that bingofuel actually broke up with his girlfriend this week to make sure nothing distracted him.

For the first time in the 6 billion-year history of the Earth, Oilers fans and Flames fans can come somewhere and chirp at one another during a Battle of Alberta game.

Now just like when playing nude Jenga there are rules here too. No male on male accidental contact for starters. No personal attacks, profanity laced tirades or other offside nonsensery if you please. Is this because we are boring? No. It’s because if we don’t have some rules of engagement we will probably start a war that will eventually end in Red Deer with Kent W and Willis brawling with Klingon Bat-leths over who has the ability to really lay claim to the last initial “W.” But funny/witty commentary? Oh yeah. Pointing out the obvious like the fact that Calgary turned it’s back on all forms of cerebral logic and signed Todd Bertuzzi? Good to go.

And so now I hand it to our colleagues at FlamesNation and see a Wanye Life Dream™ fulfilled. Next to achieve? Three-way with Natalie Portman and Carrie Underwood.

I have waited for this day for over two years!!!!!!

TLP: Man, I love Battle of Alberta games. The rivalry, the drama, the easiest two points Calgary will earn all season. It’s just magical.

Now, I don’t know how many Oiler fans mosey over to FlamesNation to check out what Kent and I have to say (it’s all really great, believe me!), but since this is being posted on both sides of “The Nation,” I will make certain concessions to our neighbors to the north, namely first explaining myself in a normal way, then dumbing it way, way down for all you clods that can’t get a job in a real city that people want to live in.

Now, let’s be honest with ourselves and say that the Oilers have been going through a bit of a rough patch the past few years in terms of players not wanting to come to your city or stay there, a general manager that was widely regarded as “borderline retarded,” and a coach who lost his team three months ago and still, somehow, has a job.
(Trans.: Edmonton bad! Players hate! Lowe dumdum! Coach mean!)

Meanwhile, Calgary (you might know it by its other name: Not-Loserville) has had its cup run over with success and happiness. Players want to come here, Darryl Sutter makes good decisions, and Mike Keenan.. well, at least he’s not Jim Playfair.
(Trans.: Everyone like! Big wins! Fun times! Happy all day no sad!)

We at FlamesNation understand that you’re probably a fan of the Oilers because of, say, the 1980s. Can’t blame you. We know it’s hard not to root for a winner. But guys, the 1980s were like 30 years ago almost! It’s time to start living in the here and now. And if you want, we’ll even take you in down here if you’re among Edmonton’s best and brightest. We’ve been looking for someone to clean up all the stables down at the Stampede Grounds anyway.
(Trans.: Cup Days gone! Flames fan good! Sweep poop yes?)

Seriously though, the Flames are going to annihilate you.

All my love,

Kent W: At the conclusion of George Orwell’s 1984, Protagonist Winston Smith comes to the realization that he loves his nemesis – the State. I think that’s about where I’m at with the Oilers these days, although I come by affection more honestly: there was no room 101 or psychological torture required – I just honestly enjoy watching the Oilers play.

I love watching Dustin Penner lumber around. It always brings a smile to my face to think of the draft picks it required to grab him, or his absurd $4.25M/year albatross of a contract.

I giggle when I see the ‘C’ on Ethan Moreau’s chest. It gives me pleasure to check the Oilers ever-full injury list. I laugh whenever I remember that Jeff Drouin-Deslasarasrfasdfsadfasdrsdfs is the only goalie the club has signed through next year.

The negative goal differential, the constantly being outshot, the worse than average special teams, Kevin Lowe’s comb-over; I love it all. MacTavish’s post game press-conferences are frequently delightful. Zach Stortini’s cartoonish countenance and laughable “fighting” style – it’s all good. Oh, and thanks for Curtis Glencross by the way…

I think what I love most, however, is the continued mediocrity. Edmonton doesn’t suck like, say, the Islanders or the Thrashers. There’s always the faint possibility of making the play-offs on the horizon for the Oilers. That chance, however slim, like the distant scent of baking bread to the staring, drives the organization stumbling forward each off-season and trade deadline, salivating and half crazed, desperate for the taste of success.

As such, they’re never a big threat to get any better. To take the big leap. Like a hopeless junkie, the Oilers never seem to reach their “bottom” so there’s never any real chance of a recovery. Blow it up and start anew? Move veterans for draft picks? It’s hard to do when 8th in the conference is spitting distance away, isn’t it?

It won’t bother me if the Flames lose this evening. Calgary is 12 points up on Edmonton and have little to gain by a victory. Edmonton, on the other hand, can scratch closer to the final play-off spot and move another step nearer to becoming a buyer at the trade deadline. And I would love that too.

It’s win-win for me tonight gents. Im going to crack a beer and cheer for every single goal that’s scored.

Kent Wilson

  • RCN

    That was a pretty terrible last minute, OT, then shootout. Over and over the oilers have "fake hustle" on the backcheck. They look like they're backchecking, but never actually pick up a man. They wasted their powerplay chance with cute drop passes at the blue line, which no other team does as often or as poorly as the oilers. Also, how do you not even get a shot off in the shootout. Seriously, do they think kovalchuk and ovechkin score tons of goals by being cute? No way. They hammer the puck on net whenever they get near it. A big reason why the oilers lack a real goal scorer besides Souray.

  • RCN

    I'm at the point of actually looking forward to MacT's litany of excuses. I expect we will hear that the Oil actually won this game everywhere but the scoreboard. Maybe there should be an award for this re-writing of history. Maybe the all-world excuse award could be called 'The Tavie' award for telling a bald faced lie right after a loss and doing it on video.

  • RCN

    We at will now begin accepting your humblest apologies.

    Good game or whatever but the good guys (and by that I clearly mean "good team") won.

    How did it feel to lose to the better (read: best) Northwest team?

  • RCN

    @ TLP:
    Better team, I dont think so man, more consistant, yes. The Flames didn't play that greast, but the Oilers played terrible the final 40 minutes. I mean someone has to take Lombardi on that last goal, but than again it wouldn't be the Oilers if they actually picked up a man on the backcheck.

    Apologize, no dice, I will say one thing about the Flames, as much as I hate them, they do pay better attention to details and show a higher commitment level to making plays than the Oilers do.

    That said….. Calgary still sucks!!!!

  • RCN

    Brent G:

    You mentioned people dying young in Edmonton…

    I take it you either live under a rock or spend too much time reading about the Flames, otherwise you might be aware of the weekly shooting/stabbing death going on in Calgary.


    Boston? If you think living there is better than either Calgary or Edmonton then you have lost all credibility. Sorry, but that's what comes with preferring to live among Sox fans.

  • RCN

    @ Sabby:
    Bert really has become quite a clutch player this year. When the game is on the line I want the puck on his stick because he invariably makes the right call. Thats not to say he doesnt annoy the hell out of me other times but I'd say he was good value.

    PLEASE dont let Moss be hurt. The depth charts are running a little thin at the moment.

  • RCN

    Brent G. wrote:

    I mean you Oiler fans love to talk about the “likely” first round exit but you cant really tell me any of you actually are that confident it’ll happen;

    Historically there is a definate pattern. If the Flames had more talent than Detroit; they would probably find a way to lose in the first round. It's cute how you guys assume the Oiler fans here will be insulted when you take a swipe at MacT or Lowe. We do it all the time! I've been an Oiler fan through the good years and the bad. I watched in person as MacT scored a hat trick on Saddledome ice! The thing is… The Oilers have fans. True fans. We are not bound to one roster. We commit beyond one season. We didn't all arrive after a ten year absence because of one improbable cup run. Talk your smack. Success comes in cycles… Too bad none of you Flames fans will stick around when the tides have reversed.

  • RCN

    David S wrote:

    So where were all you Flames guys during the game?

    Watching it with the loved ones we have. We don't live in our parent's basements with a TV and laptop as our only friends, unlike the pleasant folks up north.

  • RCN

    Questions I want answered…. Who was the left winger on the tying goal and where the hell was he? Why didn't MacBlow have them trapping it up? Who was the D-man that had the brain cramp changing with 6 seconds left? Did he change on his own or was Chuddy yelling at him to change? Or, why even, were they changing? Why are most of the goals on Roli going in high on the glove side? And lastly, why does our Media not ask any of these questions?? All I hear are the same old BS answers from MacBlow and (can't) Scorcoff!!

  • RCN

    Brent G. wrote:

    David S wrote:
    So where were all you Flames guys during the game?

    I had a place to be. It sounded like most of us did. I went to this party thingy

    Otherwise known as a Star Trek convention.

  • RCN

    I was at the game last night. Flames fans where surprisingly quiet after the game. I think it was either "wow, how the hell did we win that?" or "We best be quiet because these Edmonton folks are just mad enough to kill…again". Either way it was a good game. Very sad to see Gagner leave the puck behind in the shoot-out. So much for the best ice in the league…

    On another note, there's one thing Oilers and Flames fans share. Besides the wild rose plates. It's an undying hatred for the Canucks. What have they ever won? Really? They are the worst bunch of fans in the league. You'd swear they've got 39 straight cup wins under their belts. Rather than 38 years of nothing…

  • RCN

    442Junkie wrote:

    On another note, there’s one thing Oilers and Flames fans share. Besides the wild rose plates. It’s an undying hatred for the Canucks.

    While I do hate the Canucks a lot I would much rather watch them win than the Oilers. It seems to me that Flames and Canuck fans alike are on the same page of throwing salt in the wounds of Oiler fans and laughing as they dwiddle the season away.

  • RCN

    Does anyone remember the extrodinary story of Mirwais Pashtun from Kandahar Afghanistan? Young Mirwais liked to hang around the main Nato Air Field near Kandahar and amaze Canadian soldiers with his incredible street hockey stick handling skills. Mirwais was so incredibly skilled that he was featured on hockey Night In Canada four years ago and was presented with rollerblades by Master Corporal Jeff Lesarde. When Mirwais again impressed homesick Canadians soldiers during the weekly roller hockey tournament it was arranged that he could learn to properly skate at the only ice arena in all of Afghanistan located near Kabul. Years later, Mirwais, now eighteen, is Afgahnistan's only legitimate hockey superstar; And as such, was invited over to a Hockey development camp at the Saddledome. Mirwais was pleased to have the unigue oppertunity to skate with the likes of Mickail Backlund, and Daniel Ryder. Excited, after a scrimmage where he deked out a future NHLer to score a goal, Mirwais called his mother to share the good news, "Mom. You will not believe my good fortune. The Flames appreciate my skills and may invite me to main Camp!"
    "Son while you were wasting your time on a silly sheet of ice, your father was arrested on truped up charges, your sister was molested on the street, and your brother who tried to help was severely beaten… and it is all your fault!"
    "Mother. This is terrible news. But please explain how this is all my fault."
    "Well son… You're the selfish little welp that forced us all to move to Calgary in the first place!"