GDB/GDFD 59: La bataille d’Alberta

battlerages

Yeah, so you might say this is a biggie for us.

Wanye Gretz: Ever since our crew personally oversaw the invention of the written word, electricity, hockey, the internet and finally both nations we have had one goal on the horizon. One goal that was so much in the forefront of everyone’s mind that bingofuel actually broke up with his girlfriend this week to make sure nothing distracted him.

For the first time in the 6 billion-year history of the Earth, Oilers fans and Flames fans can come somewhere and chirp at one another during a Battle of Alberta game.

Now just like when playing nude Jenga there are rules here too. No male on male accidental contact for starters. No personal attacks, profanity laced tirades or other offside nonsensery if you please. Is this because we are boring? No. It’s because if we don’t have some rules of engagement we will probably start a war that will eventually end in Red Deer with Kent W and Willis brawling with Klingon Bat-leths over who has the ability to really lay claim to the last initial “W.” But funny/witty commentary? Oh yeah. Pointing out the obvious like the fact that Calgary turned it’s back on all forms of cerebral logic and signed Todd Bertuzzi? Good to go.

And so now I hand it to our colleagues at FlamesNation and see a Wanye Life Dream™ fulfilled. Next to achieve? Three-way with Natalie Portman and Carrie Underwood.

I have waited for this day for over two years!!!!!!
-WG

TLP: Man, I love Battle of Alberta games. The rivalry, the drama, the easiest two points Calgary will earn all season. It’s just magical.

Now, I don’t know how many Oiler fans mosey over to FlamesNation to check out what Kent and I have to say (it’s all really great, believe me!), but since this is being posted on both sides of “The Nation,” I will make certain concessions to our neighbors to the north, namely first explaining myself in a normal way, then dumbing it way, way down for all you clods that can’t get a job in a real city that people want to live in.

Now, let’s be honest with ourselves and say that the Oilers have been going through a bit of a rough patch the past few years in terms of players not wanting to come to your city or stay there, a general manager that was widely regarded as “borderline retarded,” and a coach who lost his team three months ago and still, somehow, has a job.
(Trans.: Edmonton bad! Players hate! Lowe dumdum! Coach mean!)

Meanwhile, Calgary (you might know it by its other name: Not-Loserville) has had its cup run over with success and happiness. Players want to come here, Darryl Sutter makes good decisions, and Mike Keenan.. well, at least he’s not Jim Playfair.
(Trans.: Everyone like! Big wins! Fun times! Happy all day no sad!)

We at FlamesNation understand that you’re probably a fan of the Oilers because of, say, the 1980s. Can’t blame you. We know it’s hard not to root for a winner. But guys, the 1980s were like 30 years ago almost! It’s time to start living in the here and now. And if you want, we’ll even take you in down here if you’re among Edmonton’s best and brightest. We’ve been looking for someone to clean up all the stables down at the Stampede Grounds anyway.
(Trans.: Cup Days gone! Flames fan good! Sweep poop yes?)

Seriously though, the Flames are going to annihilate you.

All my love,
TLP

Kent W: At the conclusion of George Orwell’s 1984, Protagonist Winston Smith comes to the realization that he loves his nemesis – the State. I think that’s about where I’m at with the Oilers these days, although I come by affection more honestly: there was no room 101 or psychological torture required – I just honestly enjoy watching the Oilers play.

I love watching Dustin Penner lumber around. It always brings a smile to my face to think of the draft picks it required to grab him, or his absurd $4.25M/year albatross of a contract.

I giggle when I see the ‘C’ on Ethan Moreau’s chest. It gives me pleasure to check the Oilers ever-full injury list. I laugh whenever I remember that Jeff Drouin-Deslasarasrfasdfsadfasdrsdfs is the only goalie the club has signed through next year.

The negative goal differential, the constantly being outshot, the worse than average special teams, Kevin Lowe’s comb-over; I love it all. MacTavish’s post game press-conferences are frequently delightful. Zach Stortini’s cartoonish countenance and laughable “fighting” style – it’s all good. Oh, and thanks for Curtis Glencross by the way…

I think what I love most, however, is the continued mediocrity. Edmonton doesn’t suck like, say, the Islanders or the Thrashers. There’s always the faint possibility of making the play-offs on the horizon for the Oilers. That chance, however slim, like the distant scent of baking bread to the staring, drives the organization stumbling forward each off-season and trade deadline, salivating and half crazed, desperate for the taste of success.

As such, they’re never a big threat to get any better. To take the big leap. Like a hopeless junkie, the Oilers never seem to reach their “bottom” so there’s never any real chance of a recovery. Blow it up and start anew? Move veterans for draft picks? It’s hard to do when 8th in the conference is spitting distance away, isn’t it?

It won’t bother me if the Flames lose this evening. Calgary is 12 points up on Edmonton and have little to gain by a victory. Edmonton, on the other hand, can scratch closer to the final play-off spot and move another step nearer to becoming a buyer at the trade deadline. And I would love that too.

It’s win-win for me tonight gents. Im going to crack a beer and cheer for every single goal that’s scored.

Sincerely,
Kent Wilson



  • RCN

    This nerdy internet fight is not even going to be funny. We have the numbers, and the wit.
    I feel sorry for KentW and TLP because they are going to be by themselves trying to bring to heat against 40 or so disgruntled Oil fans.

  • RCN

    Come on…. Let's go !

    Let's discuss something we can all agree on….

    Dave Brown – Battle of Alberta "All Time Greatest Fighter"

    ( for you Flames fans – He was a Oiler, who kicked ass )

  • RCN

    @ Brent G.:
    Big name UFA's aren't drawn to either organization. Calgary and Edmonton are both winter cities in the western conference with difficult travel schedules. Don't delude yourself into believing that Calgary is somehow a much more attractive destination for aging superstars. By the way, UFA Sheldon Souray was happy to sign in Edmonton and the Oilers are NOT a losing organization… I'm also glad that the Oilers didn't waste the best playing years of a true superstar (Iginla) exiting the playoffs year after YEAR in the first round.

  • RCN

    B-rad wrote:

    Jason Gregor wrote:

    Cory Sarich..$3.6 million a year…IS that really better than Penner??? Is it? Penner was an awful signing but Sarich at 600,000 less is just as horrific.

    Umm sarich also didnt cost the organization a bunch of draft picks. Lowes a fool and in the running with Murray for the worst GM in the NHL. Both have no direction and Toronto will win the cup before both teams. Burke will retire a god to Toronto and all he'll do is laugh in Lowes face.

  • RCN

    jeanshorts wrote:

    This nerdy internet fight is not even going to be funny. We have the numbers, and the wit.
    I feel sorry for KentW and TLP because they are going to be by themselves trying to bring to heat against 40 or so disgruntled Oil fans.

    nuts to that dude, i'm gonna be drunk at some crummy bar by the time the puck drops.

    ps i live in boston so i am better off than either calgary or edmonton fans! USA USA USA

  • RCN

    Brent G. wrote:

    NO ONE wants to live in Deadmonton

    Typical @sshole Calgarian. Everyone here wants to talk hockey… Brent wants to insult the city. Let's compare FRANCHISES and ROSTERS loser! Many fans of the battle of Alberta make their homes all over the country…so this Calgary-Edmonton city thing is boring and irrelevant. Why is it that Calgary civic pride seems to be derrived solely from bashing Edmonton?

    Speaking of dumb, and dumbing down… Have you read anything by Lanny lately?

  • RCN

    jeanshorts wrote:

    @ TLP:
    How are you not cheering for the Bruins???????

    was never really a fan, and my grandfather who taught me all about hockey when i was a kid, was from calgary.

  • RCN

    Chris wrote:

    Brent G. wrote:

    Typical @sshole Calgarian. Everyone here wants to talk hockey… Brent wants to insult the city.

    Im much too lazy to go up and search because this blog is getting pretty long but if you feel so inclined read through it and you will have the opportunity of some Oiler fan commenting about how Iggy and Phaneuf want to return to Edmonton. Something to the tune of, "When they come to Rexall they are saddened to realize they will be playing for the Flames." It was purely provoked.

  • RCN

    Actually if you read through all kinds of the posts there was quite the convo about how no UFA worth mentioning wants to come to Edmonton, a losing organization… because no one wants to play in Deadmonton!

  • RCN

    Brent G. wrote:

    Im much too lazy to go up and search because this blog is getting pretty long but if you feel so inclined read through it and you will have the opportunity of some Oiler fan commenting about how Iggy and Phaneuf want to return to Edmonton. Something to the tune of, “When they come to Rexall they are saddened to realize they will be playing for the Flames.” It was purely provoked.

    Yeah that was me and it was provoked. Because those poor bastards are forced to wear that crap jersey when all they really want to do is play for the team that they grew up loving and will always love… The mighty Oil.

  • RCN

    Jason Gregor wrote:

    Lanny wrote:
    Your all a bunch of losers up in Edm. at least we have been making the play offs, and not hanging on to the past like you guys do. Your 4th line center is MacT!!!!!
    Lowe wears his flood pants and walks around the rink thinking of the good old days. I sure hope he keeps calling the shots there and leave you losers in medocracy as your winner coach would say. Oh and big Mac. Jerome will whip his ass and wipe it with Jason Gregors penis head
    I guess that explains why your Mom keeps kissing my head.

    probably because you look like you have cancer

  • RCN

    Hey Wanye, what the fuck is this? A huge news posting on both of your crappy ass sites that bashes the shit out of the Oilers and you have no retort? Where is the retaliation?

    Honestly, I HOPE EVERYONE WILL READ THIS:

    Wanye and the people behind OilersNation have been Flames fans all along. They are the ones behind FlamesNation. Wanye is the wizard behind the curtain pulling all the strings. Wanye doesn't care about the Oilers, or he would at least stand up for em.

    This site is a joke. Wanye is a keen flames fan who thought it would be funny if he could harness the diehard, tech-savvy Oilers fanbase for advertising revenue in order to finance his true dream of running a Flames nation website. TLP is a pseudonym. The writing style is the same.

    Everyone should boycott Oilersnation and head on back to HFBoards until Wanye either shows up and commits hari-kari publically to satisfy our bloodlust, or at least someone stands up for the Oilers and cuts down the Flamesnation. Ya hear that Wanye? You scurvy bottomed filanderer… You best right this ship before I blast yee from the internets.

  • RCN

    Sorry for the change of subject, but does anyone else think that the guy dropping the puck in the pic above is Brownlee circa 1985?
    As for the game tonight, Regher hammers Hemsky, Penner fights Regher, the mighty Oil get angry and win by 3!!
    Or Roloson gets chased in the first….
    FMNF

  • RCN

    Didn't your "star" aquisiion Cole say on an american radio that playing in Deadmonton is like being playing in Siberia? nothing to do, just put my time in and wait for the trade dead line when i'm back in the east? At least we have given the fans something to cheer about instead of ….how many times have you made the play offs in the last ten years?