GDFD No. 58: I thought we’d take care of it right here… in Brainerd.

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Welcome to the 10th Game Day Fire Drill, for this, Calgary’s 58th game of the season on Feb. 19, 2009.

Whenever I think of Minnesota, all I can think of is Fargo, which incidentally is not even in Minnesota.

But that film, arguably the best in a long line of fine cinematic work from the Brothers Coen, has ruined an entire state for me.

I’m sure it’s not the most honest depiction of rural Minnesotan life, but it’s certainly a) eponymous and b) lingering. Think of the way a person from Minnesota talks. “Ooh ya, fer sher we do, yup.” That’s all Fargo.

I know people from rural(ish) Minnesota. They don’t talk like that, or really anything close. Know who talks like that? People from “Wsscahnsen.”

So please, kind readers, I implore you to not be like me. Do not unfairly judge the people of Minnesota just because of a movie that makes them sound silly. Judge them instead on their crummy, crummy professional sports teams.

The Minnesota Twins. Pfft, honestly.

Who:

The Calgary Flames (33-18-6 for 72 points. Tied for third in the West, first in the Northwest) and the Minnesota Wild (28-24-3 for 59 points. Tied for 10th in the West, fourth in the Northwest)

When:

6 p.m. Mountain time and 8 p.m. Eastern time. All other time zones need to work on their footballing skills.

Where:

XCel Energy Center, St. Paul, Minnesota.

Calgary is 13-11-2 on the road this year, but won its only game at Minnesota 3-2 in overtime thanks to Todd Bertuzzi’s gorgeous shootout goal. Minnesota has a 17-11-3 home record but are 1-2-0 in their last three in St. Paul, with the one win coming in overtime against division rival Vancouver. So they give away points at home, which is good. Calgary is 2-0-0 against the Wild this year.

What (to hate about the Wild):

Pretention — “Ohhhh look at us we’re the Minnesota Wild we don’t have to pluralize our team name la dee da!” Hey man, if you want to be taken seriously as a North American professional athletics franchise, you HAVE to pluralize. Yankees. Celtics. Steelers. Flames. These are the names of winners. So why doesn’t the WILD just go have fun with the MAGIC and GALAXY. Losers.

Derek Boogaard — Yes you can punch people in the face, great. You and your somehow-more-worthless brother even teach kids how to fight. Bravo. How ’bout playing some hockey, too, you no-talent hack?

Cal Clutterbuck — Fights with a visor and has a name that’s way too cool for a nerd like him.

The trap — Why yes I love watching hockey and I als..zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Kim Johnsson, Marian Gaborik and Krys Kolanos — Girls’ names.

Nicklas Backstrom — Wants to be the center on the Capitals and is possibly plotting to steal his life a la “The Talented Mr. Ripley.”

Why?

Because if you don’t keep yourself busy, this game will put you to sleep. Enjoy the game and feel free to pop a few caffeine pills before having a nervous breakdown while singing “I’m So Excited” in the comments section!