Great American Victory Report Pt. 3: lol “Your Game” okay buddy

Howdy folks.

The Olympics are, of course, all about athletic competition, pushing to be the best, and coming together as a global community to celebrate peace and goodwill. But let’s be honest here, it’s also about winners and losers. Canada may have a couple gold medals now but I think it’s time we took a look at the real winner so far: America.

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As far as I know, I’m the only American (read also: non-loser) who writes for the various Nations, and that’s why I have taken it upon myself to come here and remind you that the United States has and will continue to dominate "Your Olympics."

Here are five more very specific reasons why.

1. I told ya so.

 Look, I mean, I get it. Look at that roster you guys brought to the Olympics for hockey, which you laughably call, "Your sport." There’s not one Oiler on it. So how could you not delude yourselves into thinking you were destined for some amount of success? Well, I forgive you. Not unconditionally of course. I will first be seeking apologies from the following Oilers/Flames Nation commenters, who foolishly predicted a Canadian win.

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  1. Ender the Dragon, who said, "If (when) Canada beats the Americans in hockey…" WRONG
  2. Phil, who noted, "And besides, all that really matters is the USA will get embarrassed in a few days by the absolutely dominant Canadian squad in mens hockey. Fools are gonna get crushed." RAFALSKI’D
  3. GSC, who blabbed, "I just can’t stand to see this kind of ethnocentric behavior. There’s no reason for it, especially when it looks like USA Hockey will be an afterthought once more in Vancouver." INCORRECT
  4. GSC (again), who chattered, "…and the strong possibility that Hockey Canada brings home another gold." DISAPPOINTED
  5. Fellow Flames Nation contributor RossCreek, who blathered, "Sorry pal, but the USA battling for a bronze in men’s hockey will be as good as it gets for you. Meanwhile, we up here in igloo-land will cherish our GOLD forever." DISCREDITED
  6. Ambassador humantorch, who yammered, "Also, I hope your hockey team enjoys getting the everloving snot beat out of it in the only Winter Olympic sport that matters. Say hi to 5th place for us!" SIXTH PLACED

I wonder what happened. I mean, last I saw the United States had creamed a bunch of future sod farmers in the World Junior title game and that was, I was led to believe, a major international ice hockey competition, right up until you lost it. I guess the same is now true of the Olympics. But hey, chin up, Canada. You only have to get through the Russians and Finns to compete for a medal. Over in the winners’ bracket, I think the US is playing like South Africa or something. It’s tough to tell between all these countries we could crush like bugs with our omnipotent military or, if they’d prefer, American Hero Ryan Kesler.

2. Even Bodie Miller can defeat the world.

Last time we dominated participated in the Winter Olympics, Bode Miller was made out to be the next Michael Jordan or, more appropriately, Ryan Miller of competitive skiing. And he went home without a medal or something like that I can’t remember. The point is he embarrassed this country so badly that I secretly began to suspect he was a naturalized Canadian that had come to this wonderful country of mine in hopes of perhaps scrubbing off some of the failure stench with which all Canadian children are born, kind of like Original Sin but only for natives of the crummiest North American country (at least Mexico gave us the burrito, y’know?).

But nope, it turns out Bode Miller is an American after all. How else could you explain his gold in the men’s supercombined, silver in the super-G, and bronze in the downhill? Answer: you couldn’t. That’s winner material right there, and thus immediately disproves my previous theories that he could have come from any country but the Good Ol’ US of A.

3. You idiots get worked up over a gold in the skeleton.

Okay, okay. Congratulations to you, Canada. You won gold in the "sledding" event. I could have too if my mom hadn’t called me in for supper when it started getting dark back in the days I was still in fourth grade.

But for real, you guys are gonna dominate at the Summer Games when they introduce hopscotch.

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4. Our sissiest man could kill the strongest Canadian with his bare hands.

Evan Lysachek wasn’t the favorite to win gold in men’s figure skating. I’m not sure why, though. He clowned out some punkass Russian guy who came out of retirement just to lose to America like it was 1991 all over again. The Olympics are, of course, that wonderful time when the world gets together to act like it understands, ahem, "sports" in which it has no interest and of which it has no knowledge. Case in point: figure skating. If you’re anything like me (I know, it’s hopelessly optimistic for you to compare yourselves to a real live American, but see if you can wrap your head around it), you don’t know squat about such a stupid event.

But even I knew that Lysachek slaughtered in this one. Women in the audience were actually fainting from how sexually aroused they were by his breathtaking performance, and several Canadian men reportedly committed suicide because they knew they could never aspire to this level of manliness. Imagine how rough it would have been for the average Canadian excuse for a boy in any school from Halifax to Nanaimo if Evan Lysachek walked in there lookin’ for lunch money. Then keep in mind that this is the kind of kid Ryan Callahan was shoving into lockers every day of his high school life.

5. It is and will forever be about medal count.

Let’s have another look at the medal table. I remember last Thursday the US had 15 medals to, of course, lead the entire world as we so richly deserve. So what’s it looking like a couple days later? Oh that’s funny. America is still on top.

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And look at all these medals! Twenty-freaking-four of them. The next closest country is Germany. With 18. After that is Norway with 12. Then South Korea and Canada with nine each. South goddamn Korea? Weren’t you Canadians supposed to "own the podium" or whatever? What happened with that? Hell, the US has more BRONZE medals than you guys do total.

I think it’s time you guys just gave up, eh? I’m sure Seattle would be happy to host the remaining week of the games just to give you guys a break so you can think about the many, many ways in which you’ve blown it.

  • RCN

    You know what I find ironic? If TLP had written a piece before the game basically saying 'may the better team win', what would we have done to him IF Canada had won? Bust his balls, maybe? Give him some real original 'George Bush smack'? Make numerous America is
    references? Maybe some "take that America, its our game!" talk or "not only is our hockey team better, but so is our health care" yammer. Whatevs peeps. Out.

  • RCN

    To everyone that thinks Canada bashing is funny

    I will not read any more blogs by TPL. Simple!

    You are a retard yes retard if you find it funny the third time. Retard.
    Yesthe first time same but the second and now the third. Come on.I hope another oilers site starts up. This one has become [too awesome for my liking] – lovingly edited by bingofuel.

      • RCN

        Exactly. I've used the Colbert reference myself. If you don't find Colbert or that type of humor funnt, then I guess I can understand that its not 'your' type of humor. I get that. Different strokes for different folks. But IF you find Colbert funny (or Jon Stewart or any type of satirical/sarcastic humor) and you take offence to *THIS*, then the 'sensitive' comments apply.

        • Max Powers - Team HME Evans

          It's a lot easier for Colbert to be taken lightly when you can see his expressions and hear his tone. I'm not trying to stick up for the 'sensitive sallies' or anything, I'm just sayin'…

    • Colin

      New gold medal count:

      Canada: 10

      2 head to head match ups this week-end for gold too (hockey and skating)–Canada with a legit shot for 13 to tie USSR for most golds at a winter games—13 (martin goes for curling gold too) and an outside shot at 14 (2 sleds in top 6 after 2 heats of 4 man bobsled).

      Also canada will at least tie it's best medal performance of 2006 (24 medals) as 3 more are guaranteed. If there was less choking earlier in the games, there would have been a legit shot at 1st overall–I'm satisfied with that if not excited—2014 might be interesting….hope we keep funding our athletes.

  • Zamboni Driver

    This one just wasn't as funny, that's all. To the well once too often.

    And I'm VERY glad we can brag about a skiing gold now vs. The "sport" of ice dance.

    • X-Games sports are about a half step above ice dancing. The Olympic Committee only started to include them because they didn't want to lose the youth demographic. And now there's talk of Olympic Pole Dancing.

      The end is near.

  • papaburgundy

    wow tlp…looks like canada has just as many gold medals as the all mighty doucher americano's. your boys looked pretty shaky against the swiss today, while our boys bent over the russians and absolutey shut down OV. not too shabby for playing back to back. and damn rights i'm proud of montgomery for laying his body on the line and rocketing down an ice track at a million miles…sorry kilometers per hour to win olympic gold. i bet more than half the people in the US couldnt point out vancouver on a map…so next time you beak the canadians for being proud…maybe remember that the most popular sport in your country is nascar. clap clap clap…

  • OilFan

    Great game vs the States. Canada with the Gold. Hey TPL is it just me or do you also think the USA womens team is better then there men's team?

    Oh yeah you guys beat us in a game that meant nothing, your crowned

  • Colin