Great American Victory Report Pt. 3: lol “Your Game” okay buddy

Howdy folks.

The Olympics are, of course, all about athletic competition, pushing to be the best, and coming together as a global community to celebrate peace and goodwill. But let’s be honest here, it’s also about winners and losers. Canada may have a couple gold medals now but I think it’s time we took a look at the real winner so far: America.

As far as I know, I’m the only American (read also: non-loser) who writes for the various Nations, and that’s why I have taken it upon myself to come here and remind you that the United States has and will continue to dominate "Your Olympics."

Here are five more very specific reasons why.

1. I told ya so.

 Look, I mean, I get it. Look at that roster you guys brought to the Olympics for hockey, which you laughably call, "Your sport." There’s not one Oiler on it. So how could you not delude yourselves into thinking you were destined for some amount of success? Well, I forgive you. Not unconditionally of course. I will first be seeking apologies from the following Oilers/Flames Nation commenters, who foolishly predicted a Canadian win.

  1. Ender the Dragon, who said, "If (when) Canada beats the Americans in hockey…" WRONG
  2. Phil, who noted, "And besides, all that really matters is the USA will get embarrassed in a few days by the absolutely dominant Canadian squad in mens hockey. Fools are gonna get crushed." RAFALSKI’D
  3. GSC, who blabbed, "I just can’t stand to see this kind of ethnocentric behavior. There’s no reason for it, especially when it looks like USA Hockey will be an afterthought once more in Vancouver." INCORRECT
  4. GSC (again), who chattered, "…and the strong possibility that Hockey Canada brings home another gold." DISAPPOINTED
  5. Fellow Flames Nation contributor RossCreek, who blathered, "Sorry pal, but the USA battling for a bronze in men’s hockey will be as good as it gets for you. Meanwhile, we up here in igloo-land will cherish our GOLD forever." DISCREDITED
  6. Ambassador humantorch, who yammered, "Also, I hope your hockey team enjoys getting the everloving snot beat out of it in the only Winter Olympic sport that matters. Say hi to 5th place for us!" SIXTH PLACED

I wonder what happened. I mean, last I saw the United States had creamed a bunch of future sod farmers in the World Junior title game and that was, I was led to believe, a major international ice hockey competition, right up until you lost it. I guess the same is now true of the Olympics. But hey, chin up, Canada. You only have to get through the Russians and Finns to compete for a medal. Over in the winners’ bracket, I think the US is playing like South Africa or something. It’s tough to tell between all these countries we could crush like bugs with our omnipotent military or, if they’d prefer, American Hero Ryan Kesler.

2. Even Bodie Miller can defeat the world.

Last time we dominated participated in the Winter Olympics, Bode Miller was made out to be the next Michael Jordan or, more appropriately, Ryan Miller of competitive skiing. And he went home without a medal or something like that I can’t remember. The point is he embarrassed this country so badly that I secretly began to suspect he was a naturalized Canadian that had come to this wonderful country of mine in hopes of perhaps scrubbing off some of the failure stench with which all Canadian children are born, kind of like Original Sin but only for natives of the crummiest North American country (at least Mexico gave us the burrito, y’know?).

But nope, it turns out Bode Miller is an American after all. How else could you explain his gold in the men’s supercombined, silver in the super-G, and bronze in the downhill? Answer: you couldn’t. That’s winner material right there, and thus immediately disproves my previous theories that he could have come from any country but the Good Ol’ US of A.

3. You idiots get worked up over a gold in the skeleton.

Okay, okay. Congratulations to you, Canada. You won gold in the "sledding" event. I could have too if my mom hadn’t called me in for supper when it started getting dark back in the days I was still in fourth grade.

But for real, you guys are gonna dominate at the Summer Games when they introduce hopscotch.


4. Our sissiest man could kill the strongest Canadian with his bare hands.

Evan Lysachek wasn’t the favorite to win gold in men’s figure skating. I’m not sure why, though. He clowned out some punkass Russian guy who came out of retirement just to lose to America like it was 1991 all over again. The Olympics are, of course, that wonderful time when the world gets together to act like it understands, ahem, "sports" in which it has no interest and of which it has no knowledge. Case in point: figure skating. If you’re anything like me (I know, it’s hopelessly optimistic for you to compare yourselves to a real live American, but see if you can wrap your head around it), you don’t know squat about such a stupid event.

But even I knew that Lysachek slaughtered in this one. Women in the audience were actually fainting from how sexually aroused they were by his breathtaking performance, and several Canadian men reportedly committed suicide because they knew they could never aspire to this level of manliness. Imagine how rough it would have been for the average Canadian excuse for a boy in any school from Halifax to Nanaimo if Evan Lysachek walked in there lookin’ for lunch money. Then keep in mind that this is the kind of kid Ryan Callahan was shoving into lockers every day of his high school life.

5. It is and will forever be about medal count.

Let’s have another look at the medal table. I remember last Thursday the US had 15 medals to, of course, lead the entire world as we so richly deserve. So what’s it looking like a couple days later? Oh that’s funny. America is still on top.

And look at all these medals! Twenty-freaking-four of them. The next closest country is Germany. With 18. After that is Norway with 12. Then South Korea and Canada with nine each. South goddamn Korea? Weren’t you Canadians supposed to "own the podium" or whatever? What happened with that? Hell, the US has more BRONZE medals than you guys do total.

I think it’s time you guys just gave up, eh? I’m sure Seattle would be happy to host the remaining week of the games just to give you guys a break so you can think about the many, many ways in which you’ve blown it.

  • RCN

    @ Banger, Crash… ah screw it… To Whom It May Concern:

    So theoretically then, the entire continent of Africa could hypothetically put together a team (based on population of 1,000,000,000) that should kick everyone's arse, right? Right? WRONG!

    I highly doubt the USA has 10x the population to draw from for the winter Olympics, so to say that they should win 10x as many medals is inaccurate, imo (do you really think States like Mississipi, Alabama, Louisianna, New Mexico, etc have a lot to offer?). BUT, they likely have say 5x (random arbitrary number) the population to actually draw from, so they should have say 5x (random arbitrary number) the medals.


    • Harlie

      Actually read my post please before posting something like this….no not theoretically at all does your statement hold water

      I talked of the US being a have nation…a nation with money that treats women on the same scale that they treat men…I also mentioned that the countries we were debating about were countries that competed in certain events based on climate and we also talked about funding…

      To throw out a continent full of nations that are clearly not have nations and don't treat women on the same scale as a US and Canada do is assinine and completely irrelevant..

      I'm also not the one to say that the US should have 10X the medals than Canada because it's not just a competition between Canada and the US…if you haven't noticed, there are many other nations involved which would affect the numbers…I also acknowledged that the US probably doesn't have 10X the number of people to draw athletes from for Olympic sports when I brought up Texas but they sure as hell do have many more to draw from than we do.

      I was going to just leave it alone but seeing as how you brought it up again….Banger mentioned that if the US had 10X the population why don't they have 10X the number of athletes at the games…fact is you're only allowed so many competitors in each event so each country has to have their own competitions to decide who gets to go and who doesn't get to go. If the US could send more athletes I'm sure they would.

      Lastly…if the competition was between just Canada and the US in all the events and the US could send all of their athletes and we could send all of ours I would be willing to suggest that they would likely have a much higher percentage of medals than we do….luckily we have other nations in the games who take some of those spots.

      • RCN

        Whoa… chill, man. When I clicked on this page, the last comment was "#93 cableguy February 23 2010, 09:34AM". After reading through all the comments I had missed, I had a reaction to your discussion with Banger, but I decided to respond to the above comment first. When I did, a whole new set of comments popped up, and you're right, I didn't read yours because I jumped to the bottom to write mine (without checking to see if you had made additional comments in the seven that I missed). I hereby apologize 😉

  • Dan the Man

    Does anyone have a buddy who is a Flames fan or a Canucks fan or a Leafs fan?

    Don't you always bust each others balls about who's team better?

    How is what TLP wrote any different? He is busting our balls. That's how I take it anyways. Many of you have been giving it back, that's great, that is what you are supposed to do.

    If you don't find it funny, that's fine too, humour is subjective but to be insulted or threaten never to visit this site again is ridiculous and childish.

    That is all.

    • Max Powers - Team HME Evans

      I just want to point out that telling people who have threatened to leave that they are childish is counter productive since they have vowed not to return to this site anyways, so how are they going to argue or even read your point? Man I'm bored at work today.

    • Totally agree. It seems like it's missed its mark here.

      The one thing I might add is that when so much effort has to go in to explain why something is supposed to be funny, maybe it's not as funny as you thought it was.

      I do get "it" though.

      • Dream_Theater

        Naw, it didn't miss it's mark. I think most of us got the point of the article but those 'marks' who didn't see in as a joke got their panties in a twist which made it even funnier. Remember, those who laugh last, think slowest.

        I'm Canadian and I can't wait for 'the Great American Victory Report Pt. 4:' to see who is the first poster to miss the point and call it classess.

  • Dan the Man

    Definition of "smack": offensive speech about another person.
    Just what I need to make my life happier. Visit ON to get offended.
    Being offended by TLP's offensiveness is not whining. I'd like to take TLP behind the barn and smack him.

  • Dream_Theater


    Team USA women win gold, America rubs in it, claiming hockey belongs to them, and we all suck, etc etc.

    Team Canada women win gold, America claims to not care, it doesnt matter team USA men beat Canada on time in the last 6 games, hockey belongs to them, we all blow as canadians etc etc.

  • Dan the Man

    I disagree.

    Americans will never claim hockey as their own. If they win gold they will celebrate the victory and then forget about it for another 4 years.

    As for your other point, if the Canadian men win gold and the women silver, will anyone in Canada care?

    • Dyckster

      "As for your other point, if the Canadian men win gold and the women silver, will anyone in Canada care?"

      Absolutely some will, and yes I have a daughter who plays hockey. If I've mis-interpreted your comment as a bashing of women's hockey then I apologize in advance.

      • Dan the Man

        Yeah sorry that post about women's hockey was unclear. I was replying to Dream_Theater's post where he wrote

        "Team USA women win gold, America rubs in it, claiming hockey belongs to them, and we all suck, etc etc.

        Team Canada women win gold, America claims to not care, it doesnt matter team USA men beat Canada on time in the last 6 games, hockey belongs to them, we all blow as canadians etc etc."

        All I was tring to say is that the result of the women's game won't change who hockey belongs to.

  • Hemmercules

    Forgive me for not finding it funny when TLP crap's on our heads and half the people play it off as a big joke. Joke or not, I find comments like "….scrubbing off some of the failure stench with which all Canadian children are born, kind of like Original Sin but only for natives of the crummiest North American country" to be in poor taste for a canadian sports website. Is this honestly needed here?? I get that America has to be better than everyone at everything to keep their ego's in check but to see it on ON caught me a little off guard.

        • Eric Johnson

          Sensitive much? Is this an inferiority complex rearing it's head?

          I laughed. Others laughed, you didn't. chill.


          Tip to all sensitive sally's that don't like TLP's blogs.

          Don't read them, if you know you don't like it, DON'T CLICK ON IT!


          • Hemmercules

            Actually this was the first one I read of the three "America is the best everthing" articles. I had to look back at the others to see if they were this stupid. Don't worry, I never will or never have felt inferior to the USA. I know he's trying to be funny, I just found it odd to see all this on ON 3 times.

  • StrangePhD

    This whole debate reminds me a little of the controversy when the South Park movie was released, featuring "Blame Canada". Some were up-in-arms declaring it un-funny, unnecessary and distasteful when in fact the entire message exploits and makes fun of the outrageous stereotypes that (unfortunately) still exist in some segments of the population. While Wanye (and the vast majority of readers) have played along, knowing that this is a piece of satire, I truly hope that the humour/fun/harmless nature of the article is not lost….. but on that note: ~does anyone else blame the Canada loss on a distinct lack of Oilers?~

  • RCN

    You know what I find ironic? If TLP had written a piece before the game basically saying 'may the better team win', what would we have done to him IF Canada had won? Bust his balls, maybe? Give him some real original 'George Bush smack'? Make numerous America is
    references? Maybe some "take that America, its our game!" talk or "not only is our hockey team better, but so is our health care" yammer. Whatevs peeps. Out.

  • RCN

    To everyone that thinks Canada bashing is funny

    I will not read any more blogs by TPL. Simple!

    You are a retard yes retard if you find it funny the third time. Retard.
    Yesthe first time same but the second and now the third. Come on.I hope another oilers site starts up. This one has become [too awesome for my liking] – lovingly edited by bingofuel.

      • RCN

        Exactly. I've used the Colbert reference myself. If you don't find Colbert or that type of humor funnt, then I guess I can understand that its not 'your' type of humor. I get that. Different strokes for different folks. But IF you find Colbert funny (or Jon Stewart or any type of satirical/sarcastic humor) and you take offence to *THIS*, then the 'sensitive' comments apply.

        • Max Powers - Team HME Evans

          It's a lot easier for Colbert to be taken lightly when you can see his expressions and hear his tone. I'm not trying to stick up for the 'sensitive sallies' or anything, I'm just sayin'…

    • Colin

      New gold medal count:

      Canada: 10

      2 head to head match ups this week-end for gold too (hockey and skating)–Canada with a legit shot for 13 to tie USSR for most golds at a winter games—13 (martin goes for curling gold too) and an outside shot at 14 (2 sleds in top 6 after 2 heats of 4 man bobsled).

      Also canada will at least tie it's best medal performance of 2006 (24 medals) as 3 more are guaranteed. If there was less choking earlier in the games, there would have been a legit shot at 1st overall–I'm satisfied with that if not excited—2014 might be interesting….hope we keep funding our athletes.

  • Zamboni Driver

    This one just wasn't as funny, that's all. To the well once too often.

    And I'm VERY glad we can brag about a skiing gold now vs. The "sport" of ice dance.

    • X-Games sports are about a half step above ice dancing. The Olympic Committee only started to include them because they didn't want to lose the youth demographic. And now there's talk of Olympic Pole Dancing.

      The end is near.

  • papaburgundy

    wow tlp…looks like canada has just as many gold medals as the all mighty doucher americano's. your boys looked pretty shaky against the swiss today, while our boys bent over the russians and absolutey shut down OV. not too shabby for playing back to back. and damn rights i'm proud of montgomery for laying his body on the line and rocketing down an ice track at a million miles…sorry kilometers per hour to win olympic gold. i bet more than half the people in the US couldnt point out vancouver on a map…so next time you beak the canadians for being proud…maybe remember that the most popular sport in your country is nascar. clap clap clap…

  • OilFan

    Great game vs the States. Canada with the Gold. Hey TPL is it just me or do you also think the USA womens team is better then there men's team?

    Oh yeah you guys beat us in a game that meant nothing, your crowned

  • Colin