Great American Victory Report Pt. 3: lol “Your Game” okay buddy

Howdy folks.

The Olympics are, of course, all about athletic competition, pushing to be the best, and coming together as a global community to celebrate peace and goodwill. But let’s be honest here, it’s also about winners and losers. Canada may have a couple gold medals now but I think it’s time we took a look at the real winner so far: America.

As far as I know, I’m the only American (read also: non-loser) who writes for the various Nations, and that’s why I have taken it upon myself to come here and remind you that the United States has and will continue to dominate "Your Olympics."

Here are five more very specific reasons why.

1. I told ya so.

 Look, I mean, I get it. Look at that roster you guys brought to the Olympics for hockey, which you laughably call, "Your sport." There’s not one Oiler on it. So how could you not delude yourselves into thinking you were destined for some amount of success? Well, I forgive you. Not unconditionally of course. I will first be seeking apologies from the following Oilers/Flames Nation commenters, who foolishly predicted a Canadian win.

  1. Ender the Dragon, who said, "If (when) Canada beats the Americans in hockey…" WRONG
  2. Phil, who noted, "And besides, all that really matters is the USA will get embarrassed in a few days by the absolutely dominant Canadian squad in mens hockey. Fools are gonna get crushed." RAFALSKI’D
  3. GSC, who blabbed, "I just can’t stand to see this kind of ethnocentric behavior. There’s no reason for it, especially when it looks like USA Hockey will be an afterthought once more in Vancouver." INCORRECT
  4. GSC (again), who chattered, "…and the strong possibility that Hockey Canada brings home another gold." DISAPPOINTED
  5. Fellow Flames Nation contributor RossCreek, who blathered, "Sorry pal, but the USA battling for a bronze in men’s hockey will be as good as it gets for you. Meanwhile, we up here in igloo-land will cherish our GOLD forever." DISCREDITED
  6. Ambassador humantorch, who yammered, "Also, I hope your hockey team enjoys getting the everloving snot beat out of it in the only Winter Olympic sport that matters. Say hi to 5th place for us!" SIXTH PLACED

I wonder what happened. I mean, last I saw the United States had creamed a bunch of future sod farmers in the World Junior title game and that was, I was led to believe, a major international ice hockey competition, right up until you lost it. I guess the same is now true of the Olympics. But hey, chin up, Canada. You only have to get through the Russians and Finns to compete for a medal. Over in the winners’ bracket, I think the US is playing like South Africa or something. It’s tough to tell between all these countries we could crush like bugs with our omnipotent military or, if they’d prefer, American Hero Ryan Kesler.

2. Even Bodie Miller can defeat the world.

Last time we dominated participated in the Winter Olympics, Bode Miller was made out to be the next Michael Jordan or, more appropriately, Ryan Miller of competitive skiing. And he went home without a medal or something like that I can’t remember. The point is he embarrassed this country so badly that I secretly began to suspect he was a naturalized Canadian that had come to this wonderful country of mine in hopes of perhaps scrubbing off some of the failure stench with which all Canadian children are born, kind of like Original Sin but only for natives of the crummiest North American country (at least Mexico gave us the burrito, y’know?).

But nope, it turns out Bode Miller is an American after all. How else could you explain his gold in the men’s supercombined, silver in the super-G, and bronze in the downhill? Answer: you couldn’t. That’s winner material right there, and thus immediately disproves my previous theories that he could have come from any country but the Good Ol’ US of A.

3. You idiots get worked up over a gold in the skeleton.

Okay, okay. Congratulations to you, Canada. You won gold in the "sledding" event. I could have too if my mom hadn’t called me in for supper when it started getting dark back in the days I was still in fourth grade.

But for real, you guys are gonna dominate at the Summer Games when they introduce hopscotch.

 

4. Our sissiest man could kill the strongest Canadian with his bare hands.

Evan Lysachek wasn’t the favorite to win gold in men’s figure skating. I’m not sure why, though. He clowned out some punkass Russian guy who came out of retirement just to lose to America like it was 1991 all over again. The Olympics are, of course, that wonderful time when the world gets together to act like it understands, ahem, "sports" in which it has no interest and of which it has no knowledge. Case in point: figure skating. If you’re anything like me (I know, it’s hopelessly optimistic for you to compare yourselves to a real live American, but see if you can wrap your head around it), you don’t know squat about such a stupid event.

But even I knew that Lysachek slaughtered in this one. Women in the audience were actually fainting from how sexually aroused they were by his breathtaking performance, and several Canadian men reportedly committed suicide because they knew they could never aspire to this level of manliness. Imagine how rough it would have been for the average Canadian excuse for a boy in any school from Halifax to Nanaimo if Evan Lysachek walked in there lookin’ for lunch money. Then keep in mind that this is the kind of kid Ryan Callahan was shoving into lockers every day of his high school life.

5. It is and will forever be about medal count.

Let’s have another look at the medal table. I remember last Thursday the US had 15 medals to, of course, lead the entire world as we so richly deserve. So what’s it looking like a couple days later? Oh that’s funny. America is still on top.

And look at all these medals! Twenty-freaking-four of them. The next closest country is Germany. With 18. After that is Norway with 12. Then South Korea and Canada with nine each. South goddamn Korea? Weren’t you Canadians supposed to "own the podium" or whatever? What happened with that? Hell, the US has more BRONZE medals than you guys do total.

I think it’s time you guys just gave up, eh? I’m sure Seattle would be happy to host the remaining week of the games just to give you guys a break so you can think about the many, many ways in which you’ve blown it.

    • THat's not really fair. The skip and vice skip of the US women's team were born in Canada and are probably showing some "true patriot love" if you know what I'm saying, and the men's team is from freaking Duluth, which still pledges allegiance to the Queen.

  • Dan the Man

    From the CTV Olympic Website:(with my notes in brackets)

    Chris Rudge, the chief executive of the Canadian Olympic Committee, conceded Monday morning that Canadian athletes will not meet the COC's goal of finishing first in the medal standings at the Winter Olympic Games. (Thanks so much for clearing that up Chris)

    He added that COC officials did not anticipate the strong showing by other countries such the United States, China and South Korea.(So the plan was based on other nations not trying?)

    Officials did point to some successes, noting that Canada has more top eight finishes than in the last Olympic Winter Games.(Wooohooo! We're Top 8! We're Top 8!)

    • Ender

      OK, stop already. You're more depressing than TLP; at least we know he's deliberately trying to cherry-pick reasons to mess with our heads. If this is your way of helping, do us a favour and stop helping us!~

      🙂

  • OilFan

    I don't care for the leafs but before I check it out. Let me guess, he makes fun of the fact they have so many fans and a crap team ? Proabably since thats not original like every thing else I have read.

    DO you think Iggy will get it going ? Lou has the start for the game tommorroww

  • OilFan

    I had a Canadian from Hamilton in the house watching the game. What started out as fun back and forth tit-4-tat, became awfully one-sided and suddenly my house was very quiet. Except for me of course. Was a fun day in Michigan. Rafalski from Dearborn, MI. Jack Johnson from UofM. Good to see guys from the area doing well. Now can they keep it up? That is the ?

  • OilFan

    "3. You idiots get worked up over a gold in the skeleton."

    This part made me cry.

    I think all of this is absolutely hilarious. The comments make me laugh even harder. Especially people trying to make fun of TLP making fun of everyone.

    Burke is correct, however, Canada easily out-chanced the USA. Miller owned that whole game, without a doubt.

    Also, tonight on FOX, Brodeur announces his move to Major League Baseball.

  • Tracie

    I can't argue about much that you say here…the funding for Olympics sports in the USA is much more than in Canada, even with the "Own the Podium" campaign so you should be winning more medals.

    Your Bode Miller part just shows how ignorant you guys are. You disown him when he can't win anything and then embrace him again when he can win something. Congrats to him for shoving it up all of your asses and congrats to him for winning all those medals despite having his country shun him. You guys are worse then Oiler bandwagon jumpers! At least when Hollingsworth didn't win the medal we expected her to, she wasn't run out of the country or disowned, she was encouraged and congratulated.

    And you can say all you want about the Canada-USA game, but at least Burke saw the game the way it was played. Good for Miller to step up and give you guys something you can talk about for the next 50 years.

    You Americans can call us arrogant all you want. you win one game in 50 years against Canada and all of a sudden we're losers! I'd rather be a loser than an ignorant loud mouth!

  • Daren Millard saying new PP unit – Crosby, Getzlaf & Perry.

    I like this as well. It's too bad they couldn't play half a season or so in a Super League with these teams. Crosby with Getlaf & Perry makes some sense to me as does E. Staal with Sid. Both options I'd like to see, but there's so little time to tinker.

    Imagine a 32 game schedule with these teams followed by a best-of-three playoff series. Wicked Cool!

  • If a could steal a line from an 16th century vicar:

    "something something, counting, something chickens hatching, something"

    You get the drift.

    Also, is there a sight more lovely than Eve Muirhead?

    A: No. Well, probably a gold medal in mens hockey.

    • Did you ever watch wrestling?

      Did you ever really, really hate (insert name here – Macho Man Randy Savage/Ric Flair/Hollywood Hulk Hogan/other)?

      Did you ever stop watching wrestling because of any of those guys?

      If you were to "high-brow" to watch wrasslin', then forgive the analogy and carry on.

  • Oilitsinyoutogive

    Its stuff like this that makes it more fun to hate the US. Really without this kind of article would yesterdays game have been as fun? I guess the best part about rivalry is losing. Then when we beat them next time it will be all the more sweet.

  • Hamburgler

    Hey great win by team America. As a huge Canada fan I was hoping for a loss because I know our best teams always have to face adversity and you always learn the most from your defeats. There were alot of positives last night and this team will Gel with an extra game under there belt. We got beat by a superior goalie, other than that we looked great. Let the Games begin. Im hoping for a rematch of last nights game in the Gold Medal Game.

  • OilFan

    hey azzhole who wrote this

    americans have 10x the population so should have ten times the medals. you only have 2.5 times more, so, per capita, we are 4 times better than you.

    so go back to your third rate education system, your second rate health care, your dirty, dangerous, crime ridden, gun toting, illiterate, overweight country and piss off.

    to the rest of you civilized folks:

    what time is the game wednesday night against the Russians? (Assuming we beat the Germans.)

    • i keep hearing this argument but like 2/3 of our country has never seen snow or something so how you gonna be mad at texas for not producing lugers?

      maybe if the caribou population in america came within a few hundred thousand of its human population because you guys call the summer "that week between july 7 and 14," we'd produce as many mediocre winter athletes as you.

      see you at the summer games oh wait not really.

      • i keep hearing this argument but like 2/3 of our country has never seen snow or something so how you gonna be mad at texas for not producing lugers?

        Why not? Jamaica produced bobsledders and even got a movie deal out of it.

        Also, it snowed in Texas this winter. I demand a Texas Luge team in 2014.

    • Banger

      10X the population means nothing. We have just slightly less athletes at the olympics then the americans do, so does that mean we should have just slightly less medals then they do. The 10X argument is a bogus statement

      • This arguement makes no sense, for instance if say you have a country of 10 people and you send them all to the Olympics and another country has 100 people and sends 12 to the Olympics which country stands a better chance of sending a team with a better chance of winning?

        Wouldn't you think you stand a better chance of picking 12 athletes who would be better than the country who sends all 10 that they have?

        • Banger

          Everyone needs to qualify to go to the olympics, you dont just get "sent" to the olympics. Now sure some people essentially get sent cause no one else is in the competition. But how is saying we are a smaller country so we get a free pass for not winning lots of medals when we have the second or third (cant remember for sure) largest showing of athletes at the games. They compete all year long in events against these other nations anyway. They know how good they are so why isnt something done about it? Train harder? more money for training? and you cant say that the increased funding for this games has been in effect for long enough to see significant results. It will take 2 or 3 more olympics with increased funding before a significant increase in athlete performance is shown. If it is cause we just simple arent "as good" in a lot of sports then other nations then fine but dont try and sugar coat us not having many medals due to the population.

          • Dream_Theater

            Qualifying numbers usually aren't that out of reach for any decent athlete.

            If you really believe that having a population that is 10X larger isn't an advantage when selecting athletes in sporting events that both countries take part in then there isn't much left to say.

            Even if you take away Texas and other non winter states the population count is still much higher. Doesn't New York and Chicago alone have nearly the population of Canada?

            Who said anything about a free pass? We have 10 medals, more on the way. I think we were third in medal count in Turin. We've just missed many 3rd place finishes this time around so the total may be a bit less than last time. Count me in as a proud Canadian.

            But if I'm not mistaken this is a comparison between the US and Canada. Not a comparison with Canada and anyone else. I think they were saying on TV last night that we have like 26 top 5 finishes compared to 34 for the US…not a huge difference and the gold medal count is close as well 7 – 5. So they have more 2nd and 3rds.

          • Banger

            Ya but what you are missing is that it was said that since they have 10X the population they should have 10X the medals. Population is very very small on the reasons why they have more medals. They have extensive funding and training facilities which is the major factor in my opinion. How many people in that nation attempt to becomne olympic athletes??? 10X the amount in canada????? that would be a more accurate comparision then to just say the largest nation with the most obese people in the world should do better then everyone else because they have more people. Its all about training, and it cost money to train. That is why they are better.

            By saying we are close to them in finishes and where you expect them to be in medal count just made my point for me. We have close to the same amount of athletes at the games then they do so just by pure statistics alone we should be close to them in medal standings no?

          • Banger

            We will always be hard pressed to stay in a medal race with the US and I would hazard to say will never ever beat them…beating them isn't really realistic. Yes training and money to train is a factor and if you have more athletes to use that money on chances are very good that you will have an advantage when it comes to having a chance at winning. I would hazard to guess that the US has many many more athletes attempting to become athletes on the world stage than we have in Canada in both summer and winter events and hence they will always have an advantage when it comes to overall medal count.

            Using hockey as an example. This is one event that we actually have more athletes attempting to compete in than the US does. And history shows that this gives us an advantage when it comes to winning hockey events over them. In fact I think we pretty much dominate them with the odd hiccup.

            It's pretty simple to summize if you have more athletes competing in an event then you stand a better chance of having the top athletes in that event.

          • Banger

            And that i agree with. Your bang on there. Its all about the amount of people "trying" to become those athletes. Its not as simple as saying they have 10X the population so that is why they are better. And its not a big secret that their athlets have better opportunities then ours do. Its just one of those things and until Canada has more funding not much is going to change.

            Look at the funding hockey canada has been able to generate over all these years of success. People arent afraid to throw money into hockey because they know we are good at it. But we arent prepared to throw money into other sports and the results show it not only in the medal standings, but like you said in the amount of athletes that want to compete in those other sports.

          • Dream_Theater

            Yes but cmon, you have to admit that if you have a population of 350 million compared to 35 million you stand a better chance of having more people attempting to become athletes with the exception of the odd sport.

            It's not just funding that makes us a better hockey nation….we simply have way more people playing the game here than they do there which in itself will cut down on the number of available people for other events here…there's no point throwing funding at events that don't have people wanting to participate in those events.

            So if they have 10X our population then wouldn't it be safe to say they have more people attempting to become athletes? And if they have more people attempting would it be safe to say that more funding would go to those people due to interest levels being higher?

            This really is as simple as them being a have nation with a huge population who treats women just as well as they do men unlike many European countries. It is about the population.

          • Banger

            Ya thats what i just said. They do have more people attempting to become those athletes. But what the argument was that since they have 10X the amount of people in the country in they should have 10X the amount of medals. And its not just that simple to say that. It would be the same as saying since they have 10X the amount of people then they should have 10X the amount of athletes at the olympics. I think you pretty much just said the same thing i did as far as they have more people attempting to be athletes. All i was saying is that it is easy for the americans to have that many people to become athletes because the funding is there. Average joe in canda cant afford to train 365 days a year.

          • Dyckster

            I agree with Crash,

            10X the population theoretically would mean they have 10X the people to select from for each individual sport. Thus giving them a way better opportunity to pick the best of the best. Where some smaller contries may have to settle on the best of the worst.

            Related to the almighty game of hockey…Two communities are tasked with selecting a Bantam AAA boys team (seemingly the top 13 – 14 year old kids available). Team 1 is picked from Edmonton, training camp consists of 400 potential players trying out for 20 available spots. Team 2 is from Fort Sask. they have 50 players trying out for 20 available spots. Rationale would dictate that Edm will have a far superior team as they have a larger group to select from.

          • papaburgundy

            I would agree with you for the most part but there are always the exceptions. Yes, the more population to choose from should theoretically give you the better team but there are some locales that have put together better teams from a smaller population. My brother played for a small town Bantam AA team that drew from a few communities around the town for their players and they had to compete at the AAA level for provincials because of the combined population of the towns that made up the AA team but the population of the towns was nowhere near that of Sherwood Park or Fort Saskatchewan. Anyway, they beat the larger city teams but did lose to Ft. Sask in a close provincial final game. So population doesn't always dictate the result, but I will concede it does play a factor in the strength of the team.

  • Heavyd

    Yes TLP, you USAers are great.

    Now I want to ask Wanyee, or whoever runs this site, why Oiler fans have to be subjected to
    this juvenile jingoism. And do not dare tell me it's all in good fun.