Great American Victory Report Pt. 3: lol “Your Game” okay buddy

Howdy folks.

The Olympics are, of course, all about athletic competition, pushing to be the best, and coming together as a global community to celebrate peace and goodwill. But let’s be honest here, it’s also about winners and losers. Canada may have a couple gold medals now but I think it’s time we took a look at the real winner so far: America.

As far as I know, I’m the only American (read also: non-loser) who writes for the various Nations, and that’s why I have taken it upon myself to come here and remind you that the United States has and will continue to dominate "Your Olympics."

Here are five more very specific reasons why.

1. I told ya so.

 Look, I mean, I get it. Look at that roster you guys brought to the Olympics for hockey, which you laughably call, "Your sport." There’s not one Oiler on it. So how could you not delude yourselves into thinking you were destined for some amount of success? Well, I forgive you. Not unconditionally of course. I will first be seeking apologies from the following Oilers/Flames Nation commenters, who foolishly predicted a Canadian win.

  1. Ender the Dragon, who said, "If (when) Canada beats the Americans in hockey…" WRONG
  2. Phil, who noted, "And besides, all that really matters is the USA will get embarrassed in a few days by the absolutely dominant Canadian squad in mens hockey. Fools are gonna get crushed." RAFALSKI’D
  3. GSC, who blabbed, "I just can’t stand to see this kind of ethnocentric behavior. There’s no reason for it, especially when it looks like USA Hockey will be an afterthought once more in Vancouver." INCORRECT
  4. GSC (again), who chattered, "…and the strong possibility that Hockey Canada brings home another gold." DISAPPOINTED
  5. Fellow Flames Nation contributor RossCreek, who blathered, "Sorry pal, but the USA battling for a bronze in men’s hockey will be as good as it gets for you. Meanwhile, we up here in igloo-land will cherish our GOLD forever." DISCREDITED
  6. Ambassador humantorch, who yammered, "Also, I hope your hockey team enjoys getting the everloving snot beat out of it in the only Winter Olympic sport that matters. Say hi to 5th place for us!" SIXTH PLACED

I wonder what happened. I mean, last I saw the United States had creamed a bunch of future sod farmers in the World Junior title game and that was, I was led to believe, a major international ice hockey competition, right up until you lost it. I guess the same is now true of the Olympics. But hey, chin up, Canada. You only have to get through the Russians and Finns to compete for a medal. Over in the winners’ bracket, I think the US is playing like South Africa or something. It’s tough to tell between all these countries we could crush like bugs with our omnipotent military or, if they’d prefer, American Hero Ryan Kesler.

2. Even Bodie Miller can defeat the world.

Last time we dominated participated in the Winter Olympics, Bode Miller was made out to be the next Michael Jordan or, more appropriately, Ryan Miller of competitive skiing. And he went home without a medal or something like that I can’t remember. The point is he embarrassed this country so badly that I secretly began to suspect he was a naturalized Canadian that had come to this wonderful country of mine in hopes of perhaps scrubbing off some of the failure stench with which all Canadian children are born, kind of like Original Sin but only for natives of the crummiest North American country (at least Mexico gave us the burrito, y’know?).

But nope, it turns out Bode Miller is an American after all. How else could you explain his gold in the men’s supercombined, silver in the super-G, and bronze in the downhill? Answer: you couldn’t. That’s winner material right there, and thus immediately disproves my previous theories that he could have come from any country but the Good Ol’ US of A.

3. You idiots get worked up over a gold in the skeleton.

Okay, okay. Congratulations to you, Canada. You won gold in the "sledding" event. I could have too if my mom hadn’t called me in for supper when it started getting dark back in the days I was still in fourth grade.

But for real, you guys are gonna dominate at the Summer Games when they introduce hopscotch.


4. Our sissiest man could kill the strongest Canadian with his bare hands.

Evan Lysachek wasn’t the favorite to win gold in men’s figure skating. I’m not sure why, though. He clowned out some punkass Russian guy who came out of retirement just to lose to America like it was 1991 all over again. The Olympics are, of course, that wonderful time when the world gets together to act like it understands, ahem, "sports" in which it has no interest and of which it has no knowledge. Case in point: figure skating. If you’re anything like me (I know, it’s hopelessly optimistic for you to compare yourselves to a real live American, but see if you can wrap your head around it), you don’t know squat about such a stupid event.

But even I knew that Lysachek slaughtered in this one. Women in the audience were actually fainting from how sexually aroused they were by his breathtaking performance, and several Canadian men reportedly committed suicide because they knew they could never aspire to this level of manliness. Imagine how rough it would have been for the average Canadian excuse for a boy in any school from Halifax to Nanaimo if Evan Lysachek walked in there lookin’ for lunch money. Then keep in mind that this is the kind of kid Ryan Callahan was shoving into lockers every day of his high school life.

5. It is and will forever be about medal count.

Let’s have another look at the medal table. I remember last Thursday the US had 15 medals to, of course, lead the entire world as we so richly deserve. So what’s it looking like a couple days later? Oh that’s funny. America is still on top.

And look at all these medals! Twenty-freaking-four of them. The next closest country is Germany. With 18. After that is Norway with 12. Then South Korea and Canada with nine each. South goddamn Korea? Weren’t you Canadians supposed to "own the podium" or whatever? What happened with that? Hell, the US has more BRONZE medals than you guys do total.

I think it’s time you guys just gave up, eh? I’m sure Seattle would be happy to host the remaining week of the games just to give you guys a break so you can think about the many, many ways in which you’ve blown it.

  • OilFan

    What the hell were the Hamelin's bothers doing in the 1500 Short Track Final? Do you think they could have some how worked together like the Korean's did. All one of them had to do was slip and wipe out a Korean and we would of had a medal. They could of split the Federal Government money for winning a medal. Instead, 4th and 5th place, nice work fella's! Del Bosco wiping out on the final jump of the ski-cross, there was no way he was going to catch the guy for silver. Instead NO MEDAL, again.

  • GSC

    Someone actually remembered what I said, and even mentioned me in an article? I'm flattered, so many people to thank…

    I will say one thing, TLP: this article needs a Ryan Miller pic.

  • Chaz

    Too bad TLP doesn't have any fellow Americans to celebrate the big win with, and instead can only find enjoyment by mocking people who actually enjoy watching real sports, in real time.

    I guess the Wanks, errr….Yanks are too busy watching NASCAR and Monster Truck Rallys to get excited about hockey. Or maybe they haven't seen the game yet. Perhaps NBC will replay it sometime next week….

    By that time the US Mens Hockey team will be trashing their rooms in the Olympic village after their early exit from the Quater Finals…

  • RCN

    You had me with the Hacksaw Jim Duggan pic… and the "tough guy" ad-lib. I heart YOU, TwoLinePass.

    I may have been 'DISCREDITED' in your mind, but you know Canada could still win gold and the States could still "win" 4th, right?

    Ah well… Pha-Q TLP, I'm never coming here again as long as this DB writes here. How dare he say the things he says. Only us Canadians can bad-mouth our hockey team. Something, something, fat americans, something, health care, something, "good luck with your personality", something, "notworthit", something, something, Johnny Wier!

    @ Wanye

    I want my money back. This website is a farce! TLP can't say that… CAN HE? Gimme back my damn cashmoola baybay

  • DougWeightProblem

    At least one Canadian won something better than a gold …

    … Mr. Comrie won some sweet Hilary Duff action!


    *Licks lips sensually, yet disturbingly*

  • RCN

    "They don't give out medals for winning the preliminary round…we've made some glaring turnovers." – Brian Burke, today.

    "The two best teams in this tournament are still [Russia and Canada]. We got outchanced 2 to 1. Our goaltender stole us the game." – Brian Burke, today.

    • THat's not really fair. The skip and vice skip of the US women's team were born in Canada and are probably showing some "true patriot love" if you know what I'm saying, and the men's team is from freaking Duluth, which still pledges allegiance to the Queen.

  • Dan the Man

    From the CTV Olympic Website:(with my notes in brackets)

    Chris Rudge, the chief executive of the Canadian Olympic Committee, conceded Monday morning that Canadian athletes will not meet the COC's goal of finishing first in the medal standings at the Winter Olympic Games. (Thanks so much for clearing that up Chris)

    He added that COC officials did not anticipate the strong showing by other countries such the United States, China and South Korea.(So the plan was based on other nations not trying?)

    Officials did point to some successes, noting that Canada has more top eight finishes than in the last Olympic Winter Games.(Wooohooo! We're Top 8! We're Top 8!)

    • Ender

      OK, stop already. You're more depressing than TLP; at least we know he's deliberately trying to cherry-pick reasons to mess with our heads. If this is your way of helping, do us a favour and stop helping us!~


  • OilFan

    I don't care for the leafs but before I check it out. Let me guess, he makes fun of the fact they have so many fans and a crap team ? Proabably since thats not original like every thing else I have read.

    DO you think Iggy will get it going ? Lou has the start for the game tommorroww

  • OilFan

    I had a Canadian from Hamilton in the house watching the game. What started out as fun back and forth tit-4-tat, became awfully one-sided and suddenly my house was very quiet. Except for me of course. Was a fun day in Michigan. Rafalski from Dearborn, MI. Jack Johnson from UofM. Good to see guys from the area doing well. Now can they keep it up? That is the ?

  • OilFan

    "3. You idiots get worked up over a gold in the skeleton."

    This part made me cry.

    I think all of this is absolutely hilarious. The comments make me laugh even harder. Especially people trying to make fun of TLP making fun of everyone.

    Burke is correct, however, Canada easily out-chanced the USA. Miller owned that whole game, without a doubt.

    Also, tonight on FOX, Brodeur announces his move to Major League Baseball.

  • Tracie

    I can't argue about much that you say here…the funding for Olympics sports in the USA is much more than in Canada, even with the "Own the Podium" campaign so you should be winning more medals.

    Your Bode Miller part just shows how ignorant you guys are. You disown him when he can't win anything and then embrace him again when he can win something. Congrats to him for shoving it up all of your asses and congrats to him for winning all those medals despite having his country shun him. You guys are worse then Oiler bandwagon jumpers! At least when Hollingsworth didn't win the medal we expected her to, she wasn't run out of the country or disowned, she was encouraged and congratulated.

    And you can say all you want about the Canada-USA game, but at least Burke saw the game the way it was played. Good for Miller to step up and give you guys something you can talk about for the next 50 years.

    You Americans can call us arrogant all you want. you win one game in 50 years against Canada and all of a sudden we're losers! I'd rather be a loser than an ignorant loud mouth!

  • RCN

    Daren Millard saying new PP unit – Crosby, Getzlaf & Perry.

    I like this as well. It's too bad they couldn't play half a season or so in a Super League with these teams. Crosby with Getlaf & Perry makes some sense to me as does E. Staal with Sid. Both options I'd like to see, but there's so little time to tinker.

    Imagine a 32 game schedule with these teams followed by a best-of-three playoff series. Wicked Cool!

  • If a could steal a line from an 16th century vicar:

    "something something, counting, something chickens hatching, something"

    You get the drift.

    Also, is there a sight more lovely than Eve Muirhead?

    A: No. Well, probably a gold medal in mens hockey.

    • RCN

      Did you ever watch wrestling?

      Did you ever really, really hate (insert name here – Macho Man Randy Savage/Ric Flair/Hollywood Hulk Hogan/other)?

      Did you ever stop watching wrestling because of any of those guys?

      If you were to "high-brow" to watch wrasslin', then forgive the analogy and carry on.

  • Oilitsinyoutogive

    Its stuff like this that makes it more fun to hate the US. Really without this kind of article would yesterdays game have been as fun? I guess the best part about rivalry is losing. Then when we beat them next time it will be all the more sweet.

  • Hamburgler

    Hey great win by team America. As a huge Canada fan I was hoping for a loss because I know our best teams always have to face adversity and you always learn the most from your defeats. There were alot of positives last night and this team will Gel with an extra game under there belt. We got beat by a superior goalie, other than that we looked great. Let the Games begin. Im hoping for a rematch of last nights game in the Gold Medal Game.