Kotalik Kuestion

OTTAWA, ON - FEBRUARY 09: Ales Kotalik #26 of the Calgary Flames looks on during the NHL game against the Ottawa Senators at Scotiabank Place on February 9, 2010 in Ottawa, Canada. (Photo by Phillip MacCallum/Getty Images)

The recent decision by Flames management to put Ales Kotalik on waivers has sparked a debate among the fans of this franchise.

Should he be bought out? Should he be sent to the minors? The KHL? Training camp?

While all these are sound, rational ideas, we think they are a bit, how do you say, inside the box. With that in mind, we now present 5 new solutions, for the fans to chew on, for the Kotalik problem.


Calgary Animal Services is one government bureaucracy that we think everybody should be able to get behind. The people there are kind, compassionate people, who will look after your dog should you bring it in, no questions asked. Which is nice, because it’s the one place where Darryl could get rid of a mutt like Kotalik without facing heavy criticism.


Remember when Billy Madison had to go back and complete grades 1 – 12 in order to gain control of his father’s empire – and his heart? Well, that’s Kotalik should have to do. In order to earn a spot on this roster, he should have to go back and complete all the levels of hockey again.

That’s right, Initiation, Novice, Atom, Pee Wee, Bantam, Midget, Juvenile, and Junior. All of them, in like a month. Actually, Theo did it, and it didn’t work for him…


Do you all know what a Poltergeist is? An annoying ghost. They are known for hanging around, long after their welcome has worn thing. Very much like Ales Kotalik, who keeps hanging around, even though his talent, will to play, and desire to win have long ago faded away. It would not be a stretch to say that Ales Kotalik is a ghost of his former self. And when you have a ghost problem, who are you going to call?


Ninjas are hard. They are tough. They are full of grit, and bleed determination. Just the type of people Darryl Sutter loves. Just the type of person Kotalik isn’t. And where do you send someone who wants to be a ninja but a Shaolin Temple. There, Kotalik will learn the discipline he needs to succeed for 82 games in the grueling Western Conference. Also, from talking to some bartenders in this city, if Kotalik learns ‘the discipline’, at least one player on this roster will have it.


Because, uhh, isn’t that where one sends thieves?

Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.