Flames fans these days are a nervous bunch. With all the movement and shakeups that the organization has gone through in the recent months, it’s certainly an understandable mindset to have. They just don’t know what to expect out of their team. In this turbulent time of trouble, some Flame fans have even expressed the blasphemy that the hated, vile rivals to the north, the Oilers, may finish higher than the Flames.
Well Flames fan, Domebeers.com, in the interest of you all, has commissioned a report, a prospectus if you will, on the Edmonsuck Coilers. Our crack team of researchers and Dick Tracey’s have managed to unearth some very important information, information that should calm all Flame fans everywhere; Information pertaining to why the Oilers will continue to stink. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, we will present just some of the reasons. If we were to go through all of them, we’d have our fingers fall off.
The Oilers were, once upon a time, owned by the people of Edmonton. The community owned Oilers were an immense source of pride for the City of Champions. Then they ran out of money, and had to sell their team to a drug dealer. Katz isn’t stupid. He knows the more the Oil suck, the more unbearable an existence in Edmonton becomes. This will mean more and more prescription drug and pain killer sales, as the people from Edmonton fight desperately to forget they are people from Edmonton. As they become more and more drugged out, they will forget how much the Oil suck, so they will buy tickets to Oiler games and re-witness the suck, which will lead to them doing more drugs. It’s a vicious cycle. A profitable one for Mr. Katz, but a vicious one nonetheless.
2: Taylor Hall
Taylor Hall? The #1 pick in the draft? Why would he contribute to the Oilers continued slide into irrevelency? That’s a good question. The answer, of course, is that Hall is this generations Eric Lindros. Hall is big and skilled, but just not quite fast enough to avoid hits in the NHL, and not quite smart enough to avoid them. How do we know that about a player who hasn’t played a game in the NHL? Because Hall wasn’t fast enough, or smart enough, to avoid them in OHL. OUCH! As fans of the Flames, we have no problem with the Oilers building their franchise around a living, breathing, concussion study.
3: Jordan Eberle
When the Oilers lost out on acquiring Jay Bouwmeester last year, many in Edmonton were left wondering: Who on the team is going to get obnoxiously drunk before big games? Well, the answer to that is of course Jordan Eberle. Eberle was a team leader on the notoriously loaded (double entendre people!) Regina Pats. And if the kid could barely tolerate the boring tedium of Regina, what do you think he is going to get up to in the lifeless, moth-eaten provincial capital?
4: Sheldon Souray
Aww, Sheldon Souray. This guy is so soft the only fights he picks are with his wife. Actually, that isn’t true. We would be remised if we didn’t acknowledge he also likes to fight management, and lose fights to Iggy. The guy demands a trade because he hates the city more than Lauren Pronger does, and the Oiler management refuses to trade him because they have to show who is boss. What could possibly go wrong with this situation? What could possibly go wrong with building your defence around a man who leads the league in manicures and pedicures?
5: Dustin Penner
Dustin Penner, the great fat hope. This guy is such a colossal bust, he gets hour long TSN specials produced about him whenever he actually gives 100% effort in a game, because it is just such a rare event. But the thing is everyone in Edmonton knows Dustin has the tools; he has the focus, work ethic and determination needed to be a champion. It’s just unfortunate he chooses to display these tools at the buffet tables, and not on the ice. If we were Oiler fans (we’d kill ourselves) we’d just be happy if he showed up to training camp weighing less than 300 pounds.
6: Steve Staios
Is Steve Staios the worst hockey player in the division, the conference, or the league? It’s a tough choice to make, almost as tough as having to pay the AHL’s 50th best defenceman $2.7 million dollars to get scored on by 4th liners. On a one way contract, no less. It’s absolutely insane that in today’s NHL, with its focus on speed and skill and cap management, that anybody would keep this fossil on their roster. What are the Oilers thinking? Because if you have Staios on your roster, it obviously isn’t ‘winning’. That’s just a few of the reasons we managed to unearth. There’s more, we know. Leave any you think we should have mentioned in the comments. (Hey! I thought this was an article bashing Edmonton – ed.)
Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.