Hi Sven, you seem sad? Are you sad?
I mean sure, there’s this:
Which isn’t cool seeing as apparently this was going to happen:
And that’s gotta sting. And maybe you’re also bummed that you might be going to Abbotsford soon, but Sven, you’ve got a lot to smile about, and I want to tell you all about it, so take a knee and listen up, okay?
1. You’re Awesome
First of all, your name is Sven, and that’s cool, because the only other Sven I can think of off the top of my head to play in the NHL was Sven Butenschoen, which we can all agree is one of the greatest names in NHL history, so you’re in elite company there.
But here are some more truth bombs for you, Svendel (which I assume is your formal name).
You’re 20 years old. That’s freakin’ young, my man. So yeah, maybe certain things haven’t blossomed the way you expected them to, here in your rookie season, shortened by lockout. Time is on your side! We kinda expect you to someday be our Swiss Saviour, way down the road, when there’s a core of guys built around you who can compliment your style and all these incredible things that you do. But for now, you can chill out, practice, maybe find yourself a nice lady friend to spend time with while you lay low and let this thing unfold. you’re the man, Sven, we just don’t need you to be him just yet.
Also hey, if you’re not playing tonight, just think about the extra time you get to spend with your family! Bring them to the press box, show them around the Saddledome. If you’re looking for spots around the city you’d like to show them (while cherishing your precious time together here on this ever close to expiring planet), I can give you my number, and you can text me and see where I’m at. Pretty good deal, I think.
Everything is coming up Millhouse for you, Sven. The city loves you, management is gaga about who you might become, and have you seen Johnny Gaudreau? The future is shining too bright for you to be focusing on one cloud.
2. Abby Ain’t So Bad
Sven, you’re going back (probably) to just a dandy little town with a roaring economy, with booming agricultural and methamphetamine industries powering the community financially.
And you know it well. You’ve already racked up 18 points in 21 games with the Heat, flying under the radar of everyone except for the few hundred or so who show up at the Abbotsford Entertainment and Sports Center to watch you play.
You make it look so easy down there, Sven, and you’ll continue to get a chance to hone your skills until we all need you back here in Calgary.
Plus you get to hang out with Barry Brust, and we’re all super jealous about that, because that guy rules! Tell him we say hi!
Nor do you have to worry about playing on a line with Matt Stajan or Steve Begin on the third or fourth line. you don’t need that Sven, you’re better than that. Roman Horak and yourself are just going to light it up down there and maybe even become best friends!
3. This Season Doesn’t Really Count Anyway
You know what the Calgary Flames were doing while you were getting your jam on in Abbotsford, playing your heart out, getting concussions, all that hard work? Where were they?
They were public skating, Sven.
This season is a write off. no one takes any part of this season seriously. Whoever wins the Stanley Cup will have an asterisk next to their name because winning it all in a lockout shortened season is a big ol’ fluke, they’ll say, and people will believe it forever and ever and ever.
Any shot at glory is immediately invalid. You’re so great Sven, you were probably going to win Rookie of the Year. Oh boy, would that Calder Trophy ever look nice on your resume. You could take pictures of yourself with it, send it back home to your parents, and to that girl in your class that one time who laughed at you when you asked her to dance (what was her problem anyway?), and you know what? People would laugh, because it doesn’t count. It’s like when Ray Bourque told everyone he won the Calder, and they were all like "Yeah shut up, Raymond, it’s only because Gretzky couldn’t! You’re never going to win anything, so go home forever".
People are so mean.
But that’s what they would have done to you Sven. It’s not fair, but that’s how this goes. The only thing that matters this year is what players are acquired moving forward in the future that are going to get the fortunate opportunity to play on a line with you, hombre. That’s what it’s all about.
The news today is just minor setbacks in the Sven Baertschi Superstar Awesome Plan. It’s in full motion, it’s just not a straight path.
In the end, you’re better for it, pal. "You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity" Epicurus said that, Sven, and I’m pretty sure he was referring to you at the time, so that’s high praise.
You sit back and let the Flames do what they gotta do. It’s all for you anyway, don’t spoil the surprise for them. Your time is coming, you just gotta do your thing in the meantime, and don’t let the bastards get you down. In the immortal words of like RoboCop or something, "Don’t curse the darkness, motherf#&*!r, light a candle!"