FGD: Double Secret Lottery Probation

 


 

Dean Bettman: Bill, what is the worst team in this league?

Bill: Well that would be hard to say, sir. They’re each outstanding in their own way.

Dean Bettman: Cut the crap, son. I’ve got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the hot tub? Who delivered the used equipment to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with jock straps. Every spring, the benches explode.

Bill: You’re talking about Calgary, sir.

Dean Bettman: Of course I’m talking about Calgary, you Twerp! This year is going to be different. This year we are going to grab the bull by the balls and kick those punks out of the league.

Bill: What do you intend to do sir? Calgary’s already in the lottery.

Dean Bettman: They are?

Bill: Yes, sir.

Dean Bettman: Oh. Then as of this moment, they’re on double secret lottery probation!

Bill: Double secret lottery probation, sir?

Dean Bettman: There is a little-known codicil in the National Hockey League constitution which gives the dean unlimited power to preserve order in time of league emergency. Find me a way to revoke Calgary’s charter. You live next door. Put Doan on it. He’s a sneaky little bugger, just like you, right? The time has come for someone to put their foot down. And that foot is me.

~

Doan: Dress that line. Dress that line, mister! Dress that line, player. Mister, hold my mount. [to Cervenka] You fat, disgusting slob! You’re a goddamned disgrace!

Tanguay: (aside) A vicious mother, isn’t he?

Cammalleri: He can’t do that to our players.

Tanguay: Only we can do that to our players.

Doan: Redo those skate laces! Dress those pant buckles! Straighten that helmet! And goddamn it, untuck that jersey! Attention! Eyes front! What’s that on your chest, mister?

Cervenka: It’s a crest, sir.

Doan: A crest! On your uniform? Just tell me, mister, what team would sign a man like you?

Cervenka: It’s a Flames crest, sir.

~

Cammalleri: Point of parliamentary procedure!

Backlund: Don’t screw around, they’re serious this time!

Cammalleri: Take it easy, I’m pre-law.

Tanguay: I thought you were post-biosteel.

Cammalleri: What’s the difference? Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our injury reserve lists—we did. But you can’t hold a whole team responsible for the behavior of a few, sick perverted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole NHL system? And if the whole NHL system is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our sporting institutions in general? I put it to you, Bill: isn’t this an indictment of our entire hockey society? Well, you can do what you want to us, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the great sport of hockey. Gentlemen!

[Leads the Flames out of the hearing, all humming “Ring of Fire”]

Bill: Order!

Dean Bettman: You’ve done it this time, buster! No more Flames! I’m calling the national office! I’m going to revoke your charter! And if you wiseguys do one more thing, one more, I’m going to kick you out of the league! No more winning of any kind!

~

Giordano: Hey, quit your blubberin’. When I get through with this baby you won’t even recognize it.

Cammalleri: Cervenka, you can’t spend your whole life worrying about your mistakes! You screwed up. You trusted us! Hey, make the best of it! Maybe we can help.

Cervenka: That’s easy for you to say! What am I going to tell Jaromir?

Cammalleri: I’ll tell you what. I’ll swear you were doing a great job taking care of his Yugo, but, you parked it out back last night and this morning, it was gone. Gio takes care of the wreck. We report it to the police. Jaromir’s insurance company buys him a new car.

Cervenka: Will that work?

Cammalleri: Hey, it’s gotta work better than the truth.

Kiprusoff: My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

[Kiprusoff gives Cervenka a six-pack.]

Cammalleri: You better listen to him, Cherv. He’s won a Vezina.

[Cammalleri and Kiprusoff shake hands.]

Giordano: There you go now, just leave everything to me.

[Giordano fires up his blow-torch and laughs.]

~

Kiprusoff: Christ! Fifteen years of hockey down the drain. Might as well join the fucking Oilers!

Glencross: My mother’s gonna kill me.

Backlund: I knew it. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

Cervenka: Can’t believe I threw up in front of Dean Bettman.

Tanguay: Face it, Roman. You threw up on Dean Bettman.

[Giordano walks in, supporting an injured Cammalleri.]

Giordano: Move. Move it.

Tanguay: Damn.

[Tanguay walks over and helps Giordano support Cammalleri.]

Tanguay: Jesus Christ! What happened? You look grotesque.

Cammalleri: Well, some of the Coyotes did a little dance on my face.

Kiprusoff: Who was it?

Cammalleri: Uh, it was Shane and Keith and some of the other Hitler youth.

Tanguay: Why? What ya do?

Cammalleri: I don’t know. They’re just animals, I guess. Looks like I missed something.

Tanguay: Yeah, you did. We’re all officially kicked out of the league. Bettman just got our stats.

Cammalleri: They kicked us out of the league? Huh?! That makes sense.

Kiprusoff: Hey! What’s this lying around crap?!

SVEN: Well, what the hell we s’posed to do, you moron?!

Giordano: War’s over, man. Bettman dropped the big one.

Kiprusoff: What? Over? Did you say “over”? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Panthers stole the Cup from us in 2004? Hell no!

Cammalleri: Panthers?

Tanguay: Forget it. He’s rolling.

Kiprusoff: And it ain’t over now. ‘Cause when the goin’ gets tough . . . the tough get goin’! Who’s with me? Let’s go! C’mon!

[He runs out of the room screaming but then returns.]

Kiprusoff: What happened to the Flames I used to know? Where’s the spirit? Where’s the guts, huh?! This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you’re gonna let it be the worst! “Ooh, we’re afraid to go with you Kipper, we might get in trouble.” Well, just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I’m not gonna take this! Bettman, he’s a dead man! Daly, dead! Doan—

Cammalleri: Dead! Kipper’s right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now, we could fight ’em with conventional weapons – sticks and such. That could take years and cost millions of lives. Oh no. No, in this case, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part.

Kiprusoff: And we’re just the guys to do it.

[Tanguay and Giordano stand.]

Tanguay: Let’s do it.

Kiprusoff: Let’s do it!

[Everybody cheers and starts running out of the room, with Kiprusoff still standing there.]

Kiprusoff: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

[Kiprusoff runs out with them.]

– Inspiration

~

Go Flames. Game time is 7PM MST. Catch it on Sportsnet 960 The Fan or Sportsnet West.