It Could Happen To You

I want to take just a little bit of time out of our daily routine here to talk to the huddled masses of Edmonton Oilers fans, if that’s okay with you, Citizens. We’re slowly descending into the Christmas season, and that’s always an opportune time to help out the less fortunate, and reflect upon how good we have it sometimes. And the fanbase for that sinking ship up north, they are certainly struggling.

The team has lost 8 games in a row in their 8th season of what is probably a decade long rebuild, if not more. The team is misguided by a rag tag group of doddering lunkheads that have no vision, no appetite for success, and continue to steer the ship off course completely unabated by the ones who sign the checks. It’s grim, and it shows no signs of improving at all.

So, as Flames fans, maybe it’s time we put aside our petty differences once and for all, and extend an olive branch to the disenfranchised. After all, your Calgary Flames are a have team right now (as in, they HAVE been winning), and all signs point to this being a franchise that is doing their rebuild the right way, so maybe it’s selfish to keep that to ourselves.

Therefore, I’m sending out a call to you, Edmonton, and make no mistake, this is a limited time offer: I’m granting you, the fan, the opportunity to join our ranks. Become a Flames fan. It’s the lifestyle change you need, not the one you deserve.

What’s in it for you? Well, for one, you no longer have to cheer for a listless suck squad who can’t find their own ass when it’s planted firmly on the toilet. But I could see how you could have some misgivings about abandoning an organization you’ve probably very passionately rooted for all your life, and one that, if you’re old enough, used to provide you with results. There used to be a winning tradition in Edmonton, there used to be a day when the Oilers would collect a small army of young superstars who actually lived up to their potential and played winning hockey.

Well those days are over, and you know it. This team may never win again, so it’s time to step off. Adapt or die. The Flames assembly will welcome you with open arms if you act now. Consider it a compliance buyout of fandom. You dump the Blue for Red, no harm, no foul. It’s not very often you get an offer you can’t refuse.

If you’re somehow not convinced, let’s look at some in depth reasons why you’d want to better your life.

#HereComeTheOilers

well, first of all, look at the Oilers. A continual laughing stock. This team is forever the monkey passing out from sniffing it’s own butt. The Screech of the league. The Jim Belushi of hockey.

It’s the place where potential goes to die. Dallas Eakins was, at one point, probably a very smart hockey mind. I believe the ability to make wise decisions lives within him, but in practice, this is what his system looks like:

And that’s just one example, but this sort of thing happens ALL THE TIME. All this high end first round talent just amasses itself in Edmonton, and while they may all still pan out, the rate at which they put it together is downright glacial. It took America less time to get out of Iraq. If the Oilers draft one more Top 5 pick, it’s considered a spree.

Why does Edmonton continue to drive itself into a tailspin when it’s teeming with young talent? Well that’s easy. The team got Lowe. 

Kevin Lowe and Craig MacTavish, alleged champions, continue to cocoon their stars with a dearth of human garbage. It’s like insulating electric wires with water and lightning.

As Flames fans can attest to, you can have the most dangerous winger in the league on your team, but if you don’t have centers, you are screwed. And the Oilers are so shallow at that position they’re chafing their nipples against the sand.

The Flames, meanwhile, continue to learn from their mistakes and have acquired a real depthy core of centerman, some poised to take really big steps in the short to mid term. Backlund, Monahan, Bennett, Granlund, even guys like Stajan, Byron and Colborne, they have formed a natural competition at the position that has been breeding success. When one guy goes down (or three), the next center on the totem pole moves up a line and no one notices a difference.

It also helps that there are elite defensemen in Calgary, with Mark Giordano and TJ Brodie asserting themselves as the class pairing of the league. Edmonton spent almost 8.2 million dollars on Nikita Nikitin and Justin Schultz, and just try to get through that note without laughing.

Or, if you identify as an Oilers fan, crying.

It certainly helps having goalies that make the saves when they need to as well, which, well, you know. Calgary, whose front office doesn’t appear to spend it’s lunch breaks huffing glue, identified that their goaltending core was not up to snuff last season, and took a laboured approach into fixing it, and boy howdy, it worked. Gone is goalie coach Clint Malarchuk, gone is Swiss Perpetual 90’s Time Loop Reto Berra. In are new coach Jordan Sigalet, and Swiss Cheese but without the holes Jonas Hiller and his bumpin’ Koho pads (an added bonus to becoming a Flames fan). 

The team now boasts league average goaltending, while Edmonton has the lowest team save percentage in the league at 888. 888! At least that’s an easy number to remember.

Edmonton did of course fire it’s own goaltending coach, but that was less because yeah they probably needed to, and more because they’re too cowardly to make a real change and need a fall guy.

if you need more reasons, might I suggest you peruse #HereComeTheOilers?

Can’t Even Magic

Sure, it’s no secret that the Flames are riding the waves of an insanely high PDO right now (1022 as of this writing), and that is surely going to even out along this journey, leading to some leaner results in the future. Flames fans, to some degree, have accepted this, but are also aware that some of the numbers do show inspiring possession growth over time as well, and the falling to earth will include a parachute.

To put it another way, this team can handle the decline. Hell, it’s better than where they’ve been. But while Calgary endures their time on top with a little bit of unexplainable razzle dazzle, the Oilers remain cursed.

Despite showing positive upswings in both CorsiFor and FenwickFor percentages, the Oilers, as you may have noticed, can’t win a goddamn thing.

It’s led to an annoying regression from mainstream media, reverting back to their same tired jokes and criticisms we had to endure in the days before the Summer of Corsi, but otherwise it’s mostly been hilarious. Edmonton continues to succeed downwards.

Some say that if the Oilers could get some center depth and a goalie who can make a save here or there, that this would all turn around and that these stronger possession numbers would result in more wins.

I say, Edmonton is a blighted suckhole where all logic and reason go to die, and no matter what positive moves they make to correct their litany of blunders, the sinkhole will continue to widen and this team will be stuck on the bottom forever because that’s what you get for hiring clowns to run a hockey team.

Why would anyone want to identify with that? What is wrong with you, Oiler fans, have you no pride? Are you masochists? Do you not yearn to feel joy? To remember what is it to smile?

In Conclusion

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Heh, you know I’m playing wit ya, don’t you Edmonton? There is absolutely no way I, or any of us in the C of Red, want you and your backwater subsistence anywhere near our young and precious Flames. You’d probably come down here and get your Oiler all over the place, and then it would infect everything we love and we’d never get to see the Flames win a game ever again. 

And we like seeing the Flames win games.

We like it about the same amount as we like seeing the Oilers lose everything.

There’s no room for you anyway, the rest of the hockey world is already clamoring to hitch a ride on this bandwagon. I guess that’s what results get you, but I don’t know, this is new for us too.

Maybe one day you’ll get it together, and I won’t feel the need to pity you (even briefly) to the point where I want to take care of you like you’re some kind of sick, three legged puppy with asthma and wears an Oilers jersey. But I seriously doubt it. I envision a scenario, sometime in February, where your team is on the verge of finally winning a game, only to have the power at Rexall go out for days and the site of your new arena fractures itself into oblivion, and you all have to go on, as always, lurking in the darkness, hoping for someone, anyone, to extend an arm, and tell you it’s going to be okay, that the warm embrace of sweet death is nigh. And also Gretzky decides to piss on the City of Champions sign. And Messier elbows your mother. And Esa Tikannen moves to town full time.

And you totally deserve it.

Anyway, I’m the Book of Loob wishing a prosperous holiday season to you and yours.

  • Basshole39

    After watching the Star Wars teaser trailer, and then immediately reading this amazing article, a thought came to me.

    Let the hate flow through you.

    🙂

  • Resolute

    Everything you need to know about the Oilers is contained in the fact that Taylor Hall is dictating to Craig MacTavish what to do with Dallas Eakins. The inmates run the asylum, and anyone who supports that team deserves it. Our bandwagon deserves a higher class of hockey fan.

  • Colorado Flames

    If McDavid or Eichel gets drafted by Edmonton, I hope they pull a Lindros and refuse to play for them. Although they would probably get a huge return for them so I said it before I hope they pull themselves out just enough to draft at 5 or 6. The Oilers don’t deserve franchise talent as mismanaged as they are!

    • de Animoe

      I’ve been chatting about this. Every young player in the league can see, clear as day, that Edmonton is where development goes to die.

      Hands down, I’d refuse too.

  • MonsterPod

    This is the most Flames-fan post I have ever read. The Flames get on a good streak of hockey (and have barely played Edmonton) and yet feel the need to brag about it to the city up the road. Most teams when they win don’t go through the extra effort (and this blog post took some effort) to write a taunt for a team that barely has anything to do with them. It’s like everything the Flames do, they do it to show up the Oilers. If you want attention you don’t have to act out. Go on a good playoff run – I’m sure that will work just as well as stealing Wanye’s jokes and not quite grasping how to trash talk.

    And maybe don’t get too cocky. A lot of hockey pundits admired Calgary for getting clobbered in games yet still squeaking out some wins here or there, but we’ve been where you are.

    And don’t think we’re so different. You mock our management but I don’t see Calgary as being too different. We had Tambo, you had Feaster. Both pretty terrible. We’ve got Lowe, you’ve got Burke. Trust me, they are more or less equals. They even both pulled off slick Chris Pronger trades back when they were GMs.

    But seriously, don’t get cocky. It will only make it hurt more when your rematch with Chicago happens.

    • YFC Prez

      The Nations crew do these cross nations posts to get the juices flowing. Don’t git yer panties in a bunch.

      Also, you wouldn’t believe the amount of Oilers trolls Flamesnation puts up with (although only to start the season), so it goes both ways.

      Lastly, eat a fat one Coilers.

      • RedMan

        ya, this year the Oilers trolls started hard, but not surprisingly they disappeared altogether rather quickly.

        This years oiler trolls were same as last years though – “how good we were, how good we are going to be, so we are technically better then you.”

  • puckstar

    Okay, I read the comments, Loob.

    Mommy and Daddy turning up the speak and spell was my fav 😛

    And personally I just want Coiler Nation to stay where they are. In dead last. While Flames fans enjoy this ride while it lasts.

    Yipee Kai Ayyyy Mother Truckers indeed.

  • Dwayne Roloson 35

    If roloson can be a flame then i can be a flames fan.

    Im so sick of my team. Calgary did their rebuild right and now they’re winning with goaltending and defence.

    Its almost as if our depth on the wings means nothing…thats right. you never hear about how a cup winning team had depth on the wings. its all about center ice and defence. if you have those then an average goalie can succeed with you(not saying hiller is average. Hes the guy i wanted us to get. Not 2 goalies who have less experience than devan dubnyk.)

    fudge my team. Im seriously considering being done with my organization.

    Lets go flames! Lets go Flames!

  • T&A4Flames

    Humourous, but classless and setting yourself up for ridicule if/when the Flames flounder. Nothing like kicking a fan base when they are down.

    I take no pleasure in seeing the struggles of the incompetent mgmt. group’s floundering foisted upon the fan base…at least for this long. All of their fans want change, but are in no position to enact it.

    I give props to them for showing up and/or tuning in. It can’t be easy. Just my opinion.

  • Skuehler

    Ah it’s so easy to point and laugh from here. But it’s cold and classless. I’d rather see a strong team in edmonton where the road to the Stanley cup runs through Alberta like it was in the 80’s (man I’m old).

    It’s just disgraceful and pitiful what’s going on up there. I don’t know anything, but I wonder if arrogance and entitlement has been at the root of their incompetence. Might be a warning to stay humble and hungry through our success.

  • MonsterPod

    Snore… Oilers are garbage. Time to turn our backs.

    Their fans can do whatever they like. Don’t care.

    When I go to the Dome, I’m buying tickets to 25 teams before Ed.

    The rivalry is dead because the Coilers don’t deserve our attention.

  • slapshot444

    First, FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY, after a long week this was great medicine, thank you!
    second
    I posted this on Oilers nation this AM, not trying to be a troll , just an honest comment, and you know what 24 trashed BUT 84 likes. Man are they pissed up the road,, some one is going to be hanged by that mob.

    “As a Flames fan I used to dislike the Oil, only because, well I’m a flames fan. Now as an Albertan I’m pissed the Oil management has ruined a perfectly good competitor and the Battle of Alberta is no more. As a hockey fan I’m pissed to see such good top talent of Hall and RNH go to waste. My question now is if the Oil get first draft pick this spring will the pick hold out and not sign with such a poorly run team, or even more pressing is, when will Hall want out?”

  • T&A4Flames

    Wow! This website just went to the shitter real quick! What the hell was that write up? Super disappointed.

    Although I am having a great time watching the Flames and there is a a bandwagon moving at a good clip by no means in hell are we in any position to talk or behave like this article suggested. We are still deep in the woods with long battles ahead.

    That was the crappiest piece I have ever read on this website and it simply should be removed…..

  • MWflames

    This post makes me happy. All the oiler fan comments make me ecstatic…. Crap team, crap fans I suppose. By in large flames fans are quite honest with themselves where this team is at in my opinion. Over achieving in the 2nd year of a half decade rebuild on the backs of our youngsters. Damn right thats exciting. Oiler fans: you can still support your team while honestly recognising their flaws… Even if they are plentiful and overwhelming. No one asks their fans to gold plate their team, just participating in a forum such as the nations is all a team can ask of a fan. Might as well be honest with yourself while you’re at it… That honesty is this: flames are in a better place than the oilers, and you should be jealous. From management to active roster to the farm, Flames are better.

    But I suppose you can continue with your word vomit if you think that’s the most intelligent direction, but i wouldnt…. just my opinion…

  • jeremywilhelm

    This was glorious. The best part is that maybe 1 out of 50ish comments from Oilers fans are the most childish retorts. Maybe two of them were intelligent comments.

  • jeremywilhelm

    I am a die-hard Oilers fan but this article is friggin hilarious hahahah.

    Flames have some C depth, a great top pairing on D, and league-average goaltending. That’s what you need. Oilers have… Taylor Hall. A laughable top pairing on D, 1 decent centreman, and atrocious goaltending.

    Granted, we all know Calgary will regress and Oilers will improve, but Calgary is still a better team. How can that be after a 3 1st overall, a 7th and a 3rd overall pick in the last 5 years… It’s embarrassing.

    At least 1 Alberta team is winning…

  • Dwayne Roloson 35

    The funny thing is the serious lack of reading comprehension up the QE2, or they just don’t read all the way to the end.

    I would summarize the conclusion for oiler fans, but you should just read it instead. It’s hilarious.

  • MWflames

    The funny thing is, I don’t think these guys are going to finish low enough to get either number one or two. They’re just not that bad of a team, which for Flames fans, is a good thing. Once they get out of this losing skid, they’ll go on a bit of a run, and win enough to end up high enough to lose out on the big two.