Welcome to a new weekly feature here on the mighty Flames Nation: our Flames Power Rankings. I, The effervescent Flooby you all know and kinda tolerate, will examine short and medium trends surrounding your Calgary Flames, interpret all that hard data, throw all that meaning out the window and callously rank them in a tedious list that really in no way offers you anything insightful.
Because really, that’s what Power Rankings are all about. I think. I don’t know. It’s been years and I still have no idea what they are really supposed to be. So with that in mind, please treat this list with the absolute severity with which they were intended. I almost worked hard on this.
Welcome to the new perfect way to start off your stupid, grim Mondays. I hate you all.
20. Curtis Glencross
Curtis Glencross has seemingly gone cold over the last 6 games, basically invisible out there, but let’s give credit where credit is due: he hasn’t taken any penalties in those games either. The Flames as a whole have only averaged 2.5 minors per game over that stretch too, and one can’t help but credit that disciplined play to the recent maturation of the left winger.
19. Joe Colborne
Joe Colborne might be a big boy indeed, listed at 6’5″ and 220 pounds, but don’t be fooled, he plays much smaller
Did Romanuk just mix up Byron and Colborne?
— FlamesNation (@FlamesNation) February 1, 2015
In Romanuk’s defense, Byron plays with the grit and heart of someone who is AT LEAST 5’8″.
18. Jay Feaster
The beleaguered ex-Flames General Manager was lambasted back in 2011 for boldly going on TV and predicting the Flames would make the playoffs without having the kind of talent on his roster to justify that prediction.
But to his credit, he never did clarify he meant that season. Perhaps he was a bit of a shaman and was talking about this iteration of the Flames, who are realistically not good enough either, but hey, at least it’s going to be close.
There never seems to be video available of Feaster’s famous guarantee, so in it’s place I’m going to provide you with this scholar’s opinion. Do not watch this if you are at work and your speakers are turned up loud and your boss is nearby or whatever.
(also, in case you’re interested, here is Jay Feaster’s LinkedIn page)
17. Josh Jooris
Jooris, only recently returning from a 5 game absence due to injury, promptly scored the winning goal against the Sabres on Friday. Jooris now was 4 game winning goals on the year, leading the team in this category.
Ultimately that means nothing, but it’s just one more thing that Brandon Bollig can’t say that he has done.
Anyway, the more Jooris accomplishes, the more we get to call him JoJoo, which means the more people we get to annoy by calling him JoJoo (MayRay also lives on)
16. Gary Bettman
The NHL Commissioner was in town this past week to recieve an award at a B’nai Brith gala in support of a cardiovascular health center, but also to meet with mayor Nenshi about the possibility of getting a new arena built in Calgary for the Flames. Getting city council on board with the plan might be the biggest power move of them all. My recommendation: wine.
While still in town, Bettman took time out of his busy schedule to woo the local ladies with his ever present sexual prowess:
— Bread Frathwaite (@bookofloob) January 31, 2015
15. Paul Byron
What a week it was for Little Pauly B. the Flames forward ended a 28 game goalless drought (!!), robbing Mason Raymond of the end of his own 7 (now 8) game drought. Don’t be so greedy, Mason, Byron needed it more.
Byron also managed to extend his Ripken-like streak of getting breakaways and not scoring on breakaways. If you asked him, Byron would credit his persistence on hard work, determination, and a good breakfast. Those are some pro tips for you, children.
14. Brandon Bollig
Speaking of streaks, Brandon Bollig continues his own of playing in hockey games while adding absolutely nothing of any substance.
“Truly remarkable,” noted Sven Baertschi.
13. Lance Bouma
Boumer scored 2 goals against the Edmonton Oilers on Saturday, and while that does seem incredibly easy to do, Lance is not going to take it for granted. The effort marked the Top 6 forward’s first multi-goal game of his career, and it was almost punctuated with an empty net hat trick, but it turns out those are harder to score on than one being guarded by an Oilers goaltender.
— Calgary Flames (@NHLFlames) February 1, 2015
“Truly remarkable,” noted Sven Baertschi, when asked about Lance Bouma’s status as a Top 6 forward.
12. Håkan Loob
From 1983 to ’89, Håkan played 450 games for your Calgary Flames, amassing 429 points, as well as 54 points in 73 career playoff games. He still holds the record for being the only Swedish born player to score 50 goals in the NHL. That’s a power ranking stat if I’ve ever seen one, because it makes Mats Sundin. Markus Naslund, Peter Forsberg, and the Sedin twins look like a bunch of goofs.
Loob also spawned the inspiration for the world’s best Calgary Flames blogger, truly cementing his legacy in the Calgary sporting community.
11. Jonas Hiller
Hiller regained control of the Flames net recently, as Joni Ortio was sent back down to Glen Falls to make room for a returning Karri Ramo. Hiller has played exceptionally well since he regained the throne, putting up a .932 save percentage in three and a half games.
And sure, that’s a small sample size and it’s hard to believe Jonas will keep that level of production up, but keep in mind he is always awesome because he has the best gear in the league. Kohos and matte black masks are a force.
10. Sven Baertschi
Svensanity has taken on a new meaning. It used to be the fervour built up in this fine city whenever it learned that Baertschi’s spot in the lineup was imminent. Now it refers to how crazy it is that coach Bob Hartley hates Sven as much as he seems to.
Baertschi continues to be the Linus Omark of the Flames. The team could use his skill level, but refuse to implement it. Just think of all the puns we continue to miss out on by not having him in the lineup.
“(expletive deleted),” noted Sven Baertschi.
9. Mike Richards
Mike Richards dominated a lot of the Flames news landscape last week, thanks to revealed reports that the Flames were interested in acquiring the recently waived forward as a means of gaining some sort of Kings ransom (sorry) out of Dean Lombardi.
For now it seems like the Richards to the Flames rumours have been doused (sorry), but let’s remember those few days where people were under the assumption that the Kings would actually deal Tyler Toffoli or Tanner Pearson to get away from the contractual quagmire Los Angeles is about to find itself in.
8. David Wolf
After tearing it up in the AHL for most of January, David Wolf (who may in fact be a literal wolf) earned himself a call-up to the big club and got his cup of NHL brand coffee against the dismal and hilarious Edmonton Oilers. He generally impressed, notching a shot (and hit the post as well), winning a faceoff, and knocking a couple of Oilers around in seven and a half minutes of ice, before limping off in the third with some sort of lower body ailment.
Most impressive, however, was his passing Fire Academy and becoming a certified firefighter in those 7 minutes:
— Sean Kelso (@kelsohockey) February 1, 2015
6. Jarome Iginla
Yeah, yeah, I know he’s a member of the Avalanche now, but it’s worth noting that Iggy recently scored his 574th career goal (now up to 576!), which moved him ahead of Mike Bossy for 20th all time in goals scored.
Think about that for a second. Think about all the players who have come and gone in the NHL, and only 19 of those players have scored more than Jarome Iginla. My goodness.
Anyway, Iggy needs two more goals to pass Mark Recchi to hit 19th overall, which, obviously, he will do. Further to that, Ben Hanowski sucks.
5. Mikael Backlund
(this drawing will forever be the greatest thing I’ve ever done)
in my humble opinion, the Saddlesphere remains the only place where Mikael Backlund ever gets the credit he’s due, and if no one else is going to sufficiently sing his praises, it’s up to us to make up for that imbalance.
Because we should. The guy is incredible. He’s been a point per game player since he returned from injury, which is terrific in it’s own right, but it’s the EVERYTHING he brings to the team. The skill, the effort, the penalty killing ability, the ability to play against any team’s top players and maintain strong possession numbers. He’s my favourite. He should be your favourite. If he’s not your favourite, whu is he not your favourite? Let me know. I’ll tell you why you’re wrong.
4. Chris Lee
How close do you really need to get to tell if a curve of the blade is regulation or not?
3. Sean Monahan
“It was hilarious”
Week after week, Monahan proves to us that he’s not so boring after all. the sophomore center looks certain to improve upon his offensive output from his surprising rookie season, doing so with more defensive responsibility, tougher opposition, and continually perfect hair in the face of all kinds of follical adversity.
“I want to ride on his shoulders. He said he’d let me,” noted Sven Baertschi.
2. This Guy Again
hahaha I hate this guy so much.
1. Johnny Gaudreau
I don’t think the Johnny Hockey trademark has been implemented yet, so in the meantime, I’m going to write one full paragraph saying only that while I can still do so for free.
Johhny Hockey Johnny Hockey Johnny Hockey. Johnny, Hockey Johnny Hockey. Johnny? Hockey. Johnny Hockey Johnny Hockey Johnny Hockey Johnny, Hockey Johnny Hockey Johnny Hockey. Johnny Hockey – Johnny Hockey – Johnny Hockey Johnny. Hockey. Johnny Hockey, Johnny Hockey! Johnny Hockey Johnny Hockey Johnny Hockey? Johnny Hockey: Johnny Hockey.
Well that was fun. Anyway, Gaudreau was the talk of the skills competition during the All Star weekend, once for being (perhaps rightfully so) mistaken for a small child, and once for having his rights stepped all over by the plodding, stuffy suit and ties from the NHL head office, who would deny the small boy the simple wish of lighting his stick on fire before taking a penalty shot. Those jerks.
Well, not to be denied, Gaudreau was granted his wish in a 4-1 win over the Senators, when, after scoring his second goal of the game, his stick burst into flame, the composite material unable to keep itself from being kindling after the sheer magnetic force of Johnny’s awesomeness was set upon it.
well no wonder pic.twitter.com/N3j8QRfbKO
— Bread Frathwaite (@bookofloob) January 28, 2015
Also he’s very good at hockey.
(that’s probably not true, Dana)