Flames Nation Weekly Power Rankings: 20 Things is a lot of things

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So we’ve been doing these power rankings for a month now (almost!), and let me tell you, to think up 20 players and/or things to rank each and every week, well for me, a lowly street urchin with a Grade 3 education, it gets pretty darn difficult filling these out every week.

Especially when there’s not a whole lot of rankable Flames stuff that has gone down lately. I have to use my own cunning and wit to get through this, so we are all truly doomed.

Anyway, here are this week’s power rankings. They are, as always, just crazy important, so please treat them with such regard.

Thank you.

20. Markus Granlund

Because hey, someone has to come in at 20th, and this will likely be the only time all season Granlund will have a chance to be here. Good work in that one game you played last week where you were more or less invisible, Better Granlund.

19. Mikael Backlund

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The continued downward spiral for Backlund continues, who is still both an unsigned RFA and a terrible, terrible hockey player.

Sure he might be the reason why David Jones and Lance Bouma are each having something of a Renaissance season, but look. if you’re 19th on the power rankings, you are pretty much the worst. If Backlund hopes to work his way back up the ladder here, he’ll need to become not awful at hockey and probably also sign a long term contract extension.

If Backlund somehow ends up getting traded for Bryan Bickell, however, I am going to knock some heads around until I die.

18. David Wolf

Up until Saturday’s game against Oklahoma City, Adirondack forward David Wold had goals in 5 straight games and points in 7 for the Baby Flames (sandwiching a 2 game stint and an injury up in Calgary with the Flames).

For the German forward, who is in his first year as a pro in North America, this is pretty impressive, but if it leads to both the Flames and the Adirondack Flames social media teams being as predictably terrible as they always are, well, it’s just not as fun.

You guys are the goddamn worst.

17. Stone Cold Matt Stajan

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Hey guys, Matty Franchise scored! It was in a game where the Flames blew a 2-0 lead (wait what? they had a lead?) and ended up being pretty much inconsequential, but it’s been a while for Matty, and it’s a lot of fun for Flames fans when he does score, so we’ll just roll with it:

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I hope the fans of whatever team Stajan gets traded to next season love him as much as we do.

16. Jeff Reese

Playing 3 seasons for your Calgary Flames (sorta), Jeff Reese quickly set out to prove that he was more than just an accessory piece in the worst trade in the history of sports.

Reese wanted us to know that he was also a terrible goalie. With an .883 save percentage in 39 career games in the Flaming C, Reese embodied exactly what it meant to be a Flames goaltender basically anytime pre-Kirpusoff.

But hey, at least he brought Flames legend and future power ranking member Dan Kezcmer to Calgary in a trade with the Tampa Bay Lightning. Thanks bud.

15. Curtis Glencross

In power rankings past, I would try and raise Glencross up to try and do my part to up his trade value. We would say things here that would bend the truth…to the point where everything was basically a lie…just so everyone out there knew just how special he would be as a rental to your contending hockey team.

Turns out, we never needed to do that. There are teams interested in the left winger despite the fact that he’s been about as effective this year as Johnny Gaudreau would be as a steer on a Curtis Glencross chuckwagon team.

14. Owen Nolan

Scene: Owen Nolan sits on his porch, whittling.

/Boy enters

Boy: Hey Dad

Owen: Hey Junior

(because his son’s name is Junior)

Junior: Dad, I’m going off to a thing with my friends tonight. I know I’m only 15, but can I have money for vodka, kool-aid, and a whole lot of candles?

Owen: Well son, that sounds….just fine.

Junior: (astounded) really? Thanks Dad! This is going to make the Grand Leader really happy with me!

Owen: Terrific, son. Have a good time. Don’t stay out too late.

Junior: (winking) Yeah I’m sure I’ll be done early.

Junior leaves, leaving Owen alone. A sly grin creeps over Owen Nolan’s face

Voiceover: Ask your doctor about Cialis

13. Mark Giordano

Mark Giordano did not have an especially stellar week, but he probably would have had ne not had a not stellar week. Good theoretical work, Captain!

12. Morgan Freeman

Speaking of Giordano, he and Flames rookie Johnny Gaudreau were featured in some Visa ads this week, and actually got the incredible honour of having Morgan eff’n Freeman say their names, which is basically the same thing as your name being made out of silk. This is just the goddamn coolest thing I can think of, and I’m super jealous.

Looks like these lads were having a lot of fun out there, and they’re not Alex Ovechkin, so nobody has a problem with it.

Pigeon vs. the Old Man. Serious rookie mistake by Johnny leaving the tape behind

Johnny Slower Than Me is going to stick. You heard it here first.

11. Scorch

I miss you buddy.

This thing is garbage:

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10. Calgary’s 2011 Heritage Classic

I’m not one who is super swayed with the magic and intrigue of these outdoor games anymore, because the insincerity of the whole thing is pretty obvious to me. Plus they’re way over-saturated, and anything interesting about them has been watered down.

But after watching two years of Stadium Series games in California, I’ve checked out. This year’s game was better than last year’s, mostly because we didn’t have to sit through KISS stroking out through another underwhelming performance despite them all being 90 years old, but there was just so much of a Pirates of the Caribbean vibe that really rang false.

Come on.

Now I’m not suggesting the Flames and Habs at McMahon Stadium was a worthy spectacle that bests all the other ones, but at least it was about hockey.

Also John Fogerty in 2015 is hilarious.

9. Owen Nolan again

I had two Cialis jokes that I wanted to use for the Owen Nolan looks like a Cialis commercial angle, and I couldn’t figure out which one I liked better, so I’m using them both.

So basically, when Owen Nolan reaches for his Cialis, he points at the top right corner of the medicine cabinet where he keeps it every time.

If you don’t get that reference, I hate you and we can never be friends.

8. The Saddledome

This one is probably not fair, but fairness means nothing to me, so whatever. Now I know it was the Stadium Series, where everything is sold at a premium, but what I’m about to show you is just CRIMINAL:

So I guess what I’m saying is I won’t take our crappy little stadium for granted next time. Instead of paying an astronomical price for shitty beer, I’ll just go to the Dome and spend nearly an astronomical price for shitty beer.

7. Sam Bennett

First of all, that is terrific acting on Sam’s part. No one in the history of time has ever been excited to be in Kingston, not even Don Cherry.

But it’s a good thing for Bennett, who is going to go back to the OHL for the rest of the year and LIGHT IT ON FIRE. Bennett has apparently put on 10 pounds of muscle since the start of training camp and is absolutely going to ragdoll some pretty inferior defending that’ll help Sam get his mojo back after being out of action for so long.

And that basically has me drooling for the future.

6. Karri Ramo

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Karri Ramo is the future.

Yes, with Joni Ortio being out of action for the next few weeks, it means we’re going to be seeing more of Karri Ramo, so get used to seeing him around.

I think he’s great, so secretly I’m fine with it.

Injuring Ortio without anyone figuring out he was responsible for it, wow, talk about a power move.

5. Hudreaunahan

If there’s one thing this year that I intend to convince everyone of, it’s that the Gaudreau – Monahan – Hudler line is actually the work of one guy who is really good at smoke and mirror effects, because there is just no way three bros could share a brain so succinctly like they do without additional oxygen.

So I submit to you that the Flames successful and potent top line is the work of some dude named Frank who bought a starter magic kit for sale on Amazon. Thanks, Frank!

4. Fire, by Arthur Brown

Look, I told you it was hard to think of twenty things, so don’t be surprised that I really went off the board here.

But to tie this into the Flames, it’s insane that this isn’t used anywhere during home games, because it is bumpin’.

Also Arthur Brown is crazy and should be on the Flames third pairing over Deryk Engelland.

3. Deryk Engelland

While we’re on the subject, congrats are in order to Mr Engelland again for going another entire week of being very bad at professional hockey with little or no consequence to his TOI. That’s the kind of consistency that a franchise can really build around.

2. TJ Brodie

In last week’s tilt agains the now adorable Boston Bruins, heartthrob and future Norris Trophy winner Thomas James Brodie coughed up the puck on the ugliest drop pass ever, and watched in futility as the Bruins destroyed poor Karri Ramo for a shorthanded goal.

Brodie, for the rest of the game, owned everyone and even put the team on his back in overtime as the Flames completed yet another come from behind victory

I still have no idea what Rask felt like he needed to do there, but it was wrong. Regardless, hell of a play by Brodie, and it’s the kind of thing we’re starting to get used to. 

I’m putting that one on a shirt.

1. Lance Bouma

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It’s pretty impossible not to give Lance the Impaler (what do you think? Keeper?) the nod at number one this week, simply because homey just keeps on scoring, which, you’ll recall, is not something he’s supposed to do.

While we all know deep down that he’s not a Top Six Forward, it’s really fun to pretend he is:

Anyway, sustainable or not, Bouma has undeniably been an impact player of late, and he (along with the always underrated play of Mikael Backlund, who is an awful, awful hockey player) has really earned top spot in the power rankings. He must feel really honoured!

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murz