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Photo Credit: Mark Kao

Twilight of the Michaels: Flames Fan Nihilism

This is exhausting. Every single night: “Did the Predators beat the Sharks?” “Did the Kings beat Vegas?” “Are the Blues in or out?” “Milan Lucic removed his jersey at his own blue line, pledged allegiance to Beelzebub, and did what to Connor McDavid?” Do you find yourself wishing you didn’t care? That our leisure time was simply, less stressful? Do you find yourself actually dreading the thought of watching a hockey team innovate new and exciting ways of blowing two-goal leads?

Have you considered trying to watch Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives instead? It’s on all the time and rarely has made me as ill as watching the Flames in their own end. No? well, have you tried denying all meaning in the universe instead? Let’s try it on for size this weekend!Full Disclosure: some of this is Nietzsche, who, most historians contend, was a die-hard Flames fan. Also, he had Syphilis. Wait…

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Be Grateful — The most important result of the past efforts of humanity is that we need no longer go about in continual fear of wild beasts, barbarians, the Honda Center, gods, and our own dreams.

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Consequence as Adjuvant Cause — Formerly the consequences of an action were considered, not as the result of that action, but a voluntary adjuvant – i.e. on the part of God. What kind of God would allow Jarome Iginla, his finest creation, to play on a line with John Mitchell and Blake Comeau? Can a greater confusion be imagined?

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Victory Over Power — If we consider all that has been venerated up to the present as “superhuman intellect” or “genius,” we must come to the sad conclusion that, considered as a whole, the intellectuality of mankind must have been extremely low and poor: this conclusion comes naturally to all Flames fans who witnessed Dougie Hamilton on the bench with the man advantage. Alas for the cheap glory of “Gully”!

Sep 27, 2016; Winnipeg, Manitoba, CAN; Calgary Flames forward Hunter Smith (71) towers over Winnipeg Jets defenseman Josh Morrissey (36) during the third period at MTS Centre. Calgary won 3-0. Mandatory Credit: Bruce Fedyck-USA TODAY Sports

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Behold, Dull Care — It is your own thoughts that imprison you within the constructs of meaning. You, Flames fan, must ascribe meaning and consider the appropriate spot to play Matt Stajan with Tanner Glass. For what purpose? Your God has forsaken you if you have spent time weighing this quandary. Breathe, release, behold, for it is in the removal of value from your own existence that you can truly be happy with the first draft pick being in the fourth round.

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Flames Nihilism: A Mantra — I, fellow Flames nihilist, urge you to set yourself free from the mundane, dreary existence of attaching your mortal existence to each stick infraction, each miserable giveaway, and every ill-advised ‘Dome Wave.’ What does it mean to embrace such a life?

Excelsior! “Thou wilt never more pray, never more worship, never more repose in infinite trust in Treliving – thou refusest to stand still and dismiss thy thoughts before an ultimate wisdom, a necktie strewn round one’s shoulders, an ultimate virtue, an ultimate power-play, – thou hast no constant Ice Guardian and friend in thy seven-game series – thou livest without the outlook on a mountain that has snow on its head and fire in its heart – there is no longer any requiter for thee, nor any amender with his finishing touch, especially round the net-front.

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There is no longer any reason in that which happens at the deadline, or any love in that which will happen to thee, no matter how pure it flows for 3M – there is no longer any resting-place for thy weary heart: – man of renunciation, wilt thou renounce thy hockey twitter?

Yes. For I have embraced the cold, unfeeling void that nurtures my love for the Flames. I am resigned to simply observe the team from within the very distance that now embraces my cold soul. Which line will Chris Stewart play on tonight? Who can know the nature of one’s own existence on any ‘line’? Which is to say: nothing is certain. Except death.

And Brouwerplays.