Welcome to the 29th Game Day Fire Drill, for this, Calgary’s 77th game of the season on April 2, 2009.
When last we spoke, Calgary had a division lead that it held since — I’m going to guess here — October 8, 1949. Well, I don’t have to tell you that thanks to the run of truly horrendous play over the last month, that division lead went from oceanic to sea-like to pond-sized to creekish to nonexistant.
And it’s all the Flames’ own fault. They won just five games in March and only 11 since the beginning of February. And so, since we hear at FlamesNation cut the ribbon on Feb. 1, I think it’s pretty clear where the blame lies: Kent Wilson.
All I ever did was praise the Flames and talk about how good Dion Phaneuf was playing, but K-Dubs over there was all “OH I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THIS STATS STATS STATS,” and then I e-mailed him to be like “But Kent it’s perfectly reasonable that a team with this many injuries would struggle a little bit,” and he simply replied with, “CORSI YOU FOOL!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT THE PLUS-MINUS FOR SHOTS PER 60 MINUTES AT EVEN STRENGTH!” Then I wept.
I think we’d all be a lot happier if this was a place for positivity for the next couple days.
The glass is half-full everyone, don’t worry!
The Calgary Flames (43-26-6 for 92 points. Fifth in the West, second in the Northwest) and the Dallas Stars (34-33-10 for 78 points. Twelfth in the West, third in the Pacific).
6:30 p.m. Mountain time and 8:30 p.m. Eastern time. All other time zones should die of cuteness overload.
American Airlines Center, Dallas, Texas
Calgary is 18-17-2 on the road this year, and haven’t won a road game in regulation since March 5. The Stars are a mediocre 19-15-5 at home and haven’t won in regulation there since March 12.
What (to hate about the Stars):
Because I am hustling out the door on the way to work (I woke up faaaaaaaar too late), I will reprint the last two “What (to hate about the Stars)” in their entirety. They were incredibly well-received.
From March 18:
Loui Eriksson — Fun fact: any first name that ends with an “I” is a girl’s name. Case in point: Tiffani Amber Thiessen, who, incidentally, might be a better hockey player than Loui Eriksson. If he was smart, he’d just change his name to Louie Riksson. That’s a free tip, Lou. You’d be wise to listen.
Brad Richards — Listen you beaver-faced creep, I remember 2004, when you stole that Conn Smythe trophy from Miikka Kiprusoff the same way the NHL stole the Stanley Cup from Calgary. Outrageous actions! I am unhappy that he won’t be playing tonight, because it would be great to see Robyn Regehr paste him to the endboards.
They probably know some of the Cowboys — Man, I hate the Cowboys. If you like them, you’re a jerk. That’s backed up by science. If you play for them, you’re a criminal. That’s backed up by court documents. If you own them, you’re a member of an undead horde that is waiting until the seventh seal is broken to pour out over the face of the Earth and devour all of our souls. That’s backed up by the Necronomicon.
Steve Ott — I’ll just reprint what I said last time the Flames played Dallas, because I still feel the same way now:
Nothing says “giant bag of cat piss” like this clown. What he lacks in actual hockey talent he makes up for in his ability to lowbridge any of your team’s favorite players and generally be a bigger dick than most NHL agitators would consider sportsmanlike. Think Sean Avery without the hockey talent or entertainment value.
Mike Modano — I thought he was meant to be the best American-born center of all time. He doesn’t even have a 100-point season! And he’s only scored a point a game in 10 of his 19 seasons. That’s barely more than half. Embarrassing, America. Simply embarrassing.
Marty Turco — If he’s so good, why does he suck so much?
The City of Dallas — As always, it’s important to remember which city killed John Fitzgerald Kennedy, America’s greatest president. Hint: It was not Calgary.
From Feb. 3:
Steve Ott — Nothing says “giant bag of cat piss” like this clown. What he lacks in actual hockey talent he makes up for in his ability to lowbridge any of your team’s favorite players and generally be a bigger dick than most NHL agitators would consider sportsmanlike. Think Sean Avery without the hockey talent or entertainment value. Speaking of…
No Sean Avery — Their suspending Avery for the remainder of the season (or however they’re justifying it) means he won’t play the Flames at all this year. In turn, we get no resolution of that overblown, non-issue “Jarome Iginla is boring” talk, and probably nary a mention of any sloppy seconds at all. How gravely disappointing.
Stephane Robidas — If they were going to admit one no-offense defenseman to the All-Star Game, why shouldn’t it be one that’s worse than Robyn Regehr in every conceivable way?
The heat — Right this second it’s 66 degrees in Dallas, or 19 Celsius for you metric system-loving Canadians. How can anybody be expected to play hockey in that? (Yes, we are jealous.)
The City of Dallas — Stole a team from Minnesota, murdered JFK.
DON’T THINK I’VE GOTTEN OVER THESE BEEFS!
Because you didn’t want that division lead anyway. Enjoy the game and discuss your plans for all those road playoff games in the comments section.