The Great American Victory Report (Part 1 of many)

Howdy folks.

The Olympics are, of course, all about athletic competition, pushing to be the best, and coming together as a global community to celebrate peace and goodwill. But let’s be honest here, it’s also about winners and losers. Canada may have won its first gold medal last night but I think it’s time we took a look at the real winner so far: America.

As far as I know, I’m the only American (read also: non-loser) who writes for the various Nations, and that’s why I have taken it upon myself to come here and remind you that the United States has and will continue to dominate "Your Olympics."

There are several very specific reasons why.

1. Apolo Ohno will not be denied.

The scene was looking dire for speed skating’s answer to Michael Phelps (an American, by the way). He was trailing two South Koreans on the final lap of the 1,500-meter race when one South Korean, so scared of the wrath of both Ohno and the United States of America, cut in front of his teammate and both crashed out of the race. Ohno finished in second, securing the first of his many medals in Vancouver, with a silver. JR Celski, who is also an American and therefore a winner, took bronze.

And now a list of Canadians that medaled in men’s speedskating: …

2. Hannah Kearney is not a national disgrace.

Unlike competitors in the women’s moguls from SOME countries, the competing Americans did not leave Friday night having filled their countrymen with shame and disappointment. Some woman I’ve never heard of called Jennifer Heil was, I guess, meant to be some sort of skiing champion and Canada was all like "Yeah this girl right here is our girl." And then, as if to underscore the futility of Canadian nationalism, a beautiful American hero by the name of Hannah Kearney came and swiped the gold medal right from Canada’s waiting, expecting grasp.

Can you guess who took the bronze in that event? It was Shannon Bahrke. Perhaps you’d know her better as That Other American Girl Who Sang the Star-Spangled Banner Right in Jen Heil’s Stupid Face.


3. Johnny Spillane excels at even the stupidest of sports.

I don’t know what Nordic Combined is, but I assume it’s ridiculous because up until yesterday the Americans had never won a medal in it. Dancin’ Johnny Spillane changed all that by capturing a silver medal and finishing behind some French guy who’s supposed to be the best in the world at this by just .4 seconds. It’s going to shock you, I’m sure, but there wasn’t one Canadian medalist in the event.

4. Bryon Wilson is a good sport.

Obviously any American could have mopped several good-sized floors with any Canadian who dare oppose him, but ol’ B-Dubs was just about as magnanimous as you can possibly be, and demurred to loathsome Canadian Alexandre Bilodeau. OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF HIS HEART HE DID THIS!

5. We’re not disingenuous.


Look, we all know Hawaii shouldn’t be one of the 50 United States, and any Hawaiians that happen to win medals quickly have them confiscated before they are flown back to their miserable little island without a word of congratulations.

That’s how Canadians treat Quebec every three years and 49 weeks. All I ever hear from you is how Quebec isn’t a real province and why don’t they just get out of our country. Then some French Canadian fellow with a girls’ name wins a gold and every Canadian is all like "YES THIS IS OUR GREATEST ATHLETIC ACCOMPLISHMENT OF ALL TIME." You guys are a bunch of creeps. I hope he sang O Canada in French when they gave him his medal.

6. It didn’t take America three Olympics to win gold.

First of all, let’s just look at the comparative quality of Olympic hosts. America got to host the third-ever Olympiad in 1904. Canada didn’t get to host until 1976. That’s 72 years of the IOC going, "Canada? Yeah right. We’ll let Belgium host one though for sure." Honestly, Belgium!

And anyway, y’know how long it took America to win a gold medal at an Olympiad it hosted? Like 10 minutes. For real, America won 239 of a possible 280 medals in those St. Louis 1904 Games and took 78 of 96 golds. Canada? Four, or 5.1 percent of American golds. Boom.

So Canada hosted in ’76 and ’88 and won a grand total of zero gold medals. America plundered 36. In these games, we’re tied up at one apiece. Congrats on your big, ahem, victory.

7. Weak-ass Opening Ceremonies.

Just terrible. A punk like Wayne Gretzky gets to light the torch? When was the last time he even lived in Canada? Wasn’t it like 1986 or something?

Oh, and the music. Really? You couldn’t get anyone better than kd lang? She didn’t even sing one of her own songs. She sang a Leonard Cohen song. And not even a GOOD Leonard Cohen song! Plus, rolling out Bryan Adams; what’s the matter, was Lover Boy booked? I try to take it easy on the stereotypes around here but sometimes you just step right in it with all your "eh"-ing and "beauty"-ing and it’s impossible to ignore. Bryan Adams. How appalling. Did you guys forget that Neil Freaking Young is from Toronto?

And then you can’t even get that stupid pillar to come out of the stage. Olympics ruined.

8. It’s all about medal count, baby.


Hmm I’m looking at the standings here and would you look at that, America leads in total medals with six. Let’s go down the rest of the list shall we? Germany has four. That’s nice. France has three, that’s very adorable.

Oh there’s Canada. Three medals. This has to be a typo. I can’t believe you have that many, and it’s only one more than South f’n Korea. And still half of America’s total. Hahaha. We’re still the Greatest Country in the World.

God Bless America!

  • Since we're all getting to air our sensitivities I wanna jump on board on the "wah"-train: TLP this article is garbage.

    I get the principle behind the joke. Someone with a better sense of humor could have really made this a slam dunk, but Stephen Colbert you are not.

    I used to think you were one of the funniest satire writers on the internet with your articles sarcastically praising the Calgary Flames, but now I know the truth: you weren't actually trying to be funny when you said the Flames were great – you were serious! I feel like I just spent my time laughing at what I thought was a brilliant whoopie-cushion prank, only to discover that I was just watching a poor soul publicly sh1t his pants. Of course, that analogy only goes so far because, unlike this blog post, sphincter failure is kinda funny.

    Unfortunately I had to learn this tragic lesson by finding out that this "article" is what it looks like when you're trying to be funny. Let me tell you sister, it's not pretty.

    1000 words is a little unnecessary for shock humor, and it only succeeded in dampening the rare nuggets of wit that were in there (I thought the Bryon Wilson part was funny).

    Anyway… Good talk. See you out there.