The Great American Victory Report Pt. 2: We’d be happy to take Vancouver off your hands


Howdy folks.

The Olympics are, of course, all about athletic competition, pushing to be the best, and coming together as a global community to celebrate peace and goodwill. But let’s be honest here, it’s also about winners and losers. Canada may have won its first gold medal last night but I think it’s time we took a look at the real winner so far: America.

As far as I know, I’m the only American (read also: non-loser) who writes for the various Nations, and that’s why I have taken it upon myself to come here and remind you that the United States has and will continue to dominate "Your Olympics."

Here are several more specific reasons why.

1. Shaun White is literally the greatest athlete in the history of mankind.


That red streak that screamed past every Canadian man, woman and child last night was not any kind of cartoon bird or indeed one of the hundreds of intercontinental ballistic missiles our country has trained on your greatest landmark (the little-used cow shed in Fort MacLeod where Joni Mitchell was born, if I’m not mistaken) at any given time. No, it was Shaun White, the adorable little red-haired scamp who is going to win the gold medal in every single event in which he competes.

With the ability to get close to 30 feet in the air, a height barely matched by Canada’s biggest skyscraper, White has time to kill and devour several Canadian endangered species, along with the hopes and dreams of your entire nation, all before doing a 720 triple fakie stalefish tailgrab (that’s probably a real thing), curing two forms of cancer and landing with the gold medal already secured lovingly in its rightful place around his neck while teammate and bronze medal winner Scott Lago held back the adoring masses with a picture of hideous Canadian woman Christine Nesbitt.

And this ignores that White can’t be bothered to compete in an event like snowboardcross, which is a made-up word. Instead, White let Seth Wescott, another American, win gold instead. Had White competed, however, he would have probably won all three medals and a fourth one invented just for him to further shame Canada.

2. Shani Davis could defeat a fighter jet in a race.

Shani Davis was originally the basis for mediocre superhero the Flash but DC Comics execs thought that no one would believe a human being could move that quickly. Instead, Davis turned his wealth of talent and abilities to speed skating, where last night he won his second gold medal in as many Olympics in the 1,000-meter race. Coming in third in that race was Chad Hedrick. I don’t have to tell you, I’m sure, that Hedrick is a proud American hero.

It’s funny, by the way. I’m currently looking at all the medalists in men’s speed skating, and I don’t see one single Canadian medalist. Oh wait, here’s one that won a gold and a silver. Or.. no maybe I’m confused. Is yours the country with the kinda red and blue yin yang thing and a bunch of crazy writing on the sides? Oh this says it’s South Korea. My bad. I just saw that the guy’s name was "Mo Tae-Bum" and, based entirely on the last word in his surname, assumed he was Canadian.

3. Injuries of that type would cripple an ordinary woman, but Lindsey Vonn is no ordinary woman.

With a shin bruise as deep as the Marianas Trench and painful as the Canadian hockey team’s inevitable ninth-place finish behind Latvia, Lindsey Vonn bravely hobbled onto the slopes for the ladies’ downhill last night.

Staring down from the top of the mountain as though she were Hera looking down from Olympus, she regarded the swelling crowd for a moment, perhaps wondering what it was like for mere humans (or in the case of the Canadians in attendance, subhumans) to witness accomplishments with the gravity of what she was about to achieve. As she pushed off, the pain vanished and as the run continued, so too did Canada’s hopes of ever catching the US in medal count.

She valorously defeated all her competitors, human frailty and the mountain itself to earn a prize as golden as her hair and singularly beautiful as the her opponents’ gallons of tears.

4. We can even pin our non-successes on your rotten country.

Obviously I want the United States to run roughshod over every opponent it faces, taking all medals awarded at this and every other Olympiad past and future. But sometimes it’s just not possible.

Take, for example, our representatives in the respective curling tournaments. So clueless is John Shuster as to how to properly execute with the hammer that, despite having had the final stone in each of America’s four matches, this doughy ball of ineptitude has bungled each and skipped the US team to an 0-4 record and a guaranteed non-appearance in the medal round. So I wondered to myself, how could such a thing have happened with an American? Well I looked it up and he’s from some small town in Minnesota, not an hour’s drive from the Canadian border, and suddenly it made perfect sense. With your weather systems come your loser stink and I’m assuming that each fresh storm from the True North Strong and Free (yeah right) comes a healthy coating of snow and failure to be scraped off windshields and left to melt in gutters, much like any hope of Canadian victory over America.

And what of the women’s team, currently 0-2 but and on its way to another healthy loss against Denmark even as I type this? Well as it turns out, the team is skipped by Debbie McCormick. Birthplace: Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. No joke.

Very funny, Canada, sending your citizens to infiltrate and destroy our American teams, and rob us of the gold medals we so richly deserve merely for existing.

5. It’s still all about medal count.

Just as you’d expect, there’s America waaaaaaaaaay up at the top there. A whopping 15 medals, and six of them the glittering gold of American athletic perfection. After that is Germany with a paltry 11 and Norway with a pitiable eight.

Man, I swear I could have heard Canada was competing in these Olympics. You’d think the host country would be able to make some kind of accounting for itself. But here we are and I don’t think Canada’s won a single medal in any sp.. oh no I found them, way down in a tie for fourth with… hahahaha a tie for fourth with France. That’s hysterical. You bozos are only two medals up on South Korea. I didn’t even know they had snow there.

But maybe you wanna look at gold medals as the hallmark of true champions. The US leads there as well. Five total. Canada’s only got three. One more than China.

And even if by some miracle every American in the Games suddenly drops dead and opens the door for a whole host of second-rate nobodies to clamber onto the medal podiums, the US has such a healthy lead in the Olympic all-time medal count that it would take another century of games for someone to even rival its output. America has won 2,511 medals since the first Olympiad in 1896. The next closest country is Russia/USSR with just 1,204. For those curious, Canada has 379.

So hey buddies, don’t sweat it too much. You only need to win 50 medals in every Olympiad for the next 22 years, and hope the Americans win none, to be in our ballpark.

God Bless America!