Two Minutes Hate! The Vancouver Canucks Are Miserable Bastards Edition

 

 

Oh, those poor Vancouver Canucks. Since the dawn of the 1970’s, the west coast whale has on more than one occasion been on the brink of glory, only to fall off the cliff into the pits of stinky despair. Indeed, over the years, the Nucks have boasted rosters with high degrees of skill, speed, hockey IQ, and twins, squandering these gifts as each window of success slowly drew close, drawing to mind comparisons to any number of applicable scenes from the Indiana Jones movies.

Indeed, a litany of talent has passed through Vancouver with an alarming frequency on par with the number of times the team unveils progressively uglier jerseys, and despite all of this,Vancouver always ends up on the outside looking in. It would be easy to sympathize with them, as surely any halfway compassionate human being can want to see any entity that continually has sand kicked in their face taste even a glimmer of success, and the Canucks are most certainly that.

WELL F#%* THAT AUDIO, PAVEL BURE. The Canucks and their fanbase are probably the league’s most entitled organization, and have never conducted themselves in a manner that affords them even a shred of decency when being referred to by literally almost anyone else. Instead, all that we’re going to offer here today is two minutes of unbridled disdain and crass name calling, and I don’t feel the least bit guilty or ashamed to do it.  (Though admittedly, I will have to tread carefully, as Canucks and their fans tend to dive into violent backlash when provoked, seemingly without warning.)

C’MON REF

The Man is out to get the Vancouver Canucks. At least, you know, according to them. Leave it to the league’s most demonstrably classless fraternity to lose a playoff series by being outplayed, outscored, outpossesed, outBrent Burns bearded, acknowledge this, and still blame the refs.

Historically, this has been a thorn in Vancouver’s side. A squad who over the years has boasted a catalogue of noted agents of shitheadery like Williams, Odjick, Murzyn, Bertuzzi, May, Ruutu. Cooke, Kesler, Burrows, Bieksa, Torres, and Lapierre (to name a few) has casually asserted that maybe they are subject to biased officiating.

There are arguments that this is an astute observation by the Canucks collective. When the whole world watches Alex Burrows slake his thirst for human blood by nibbling on Patrice Bergeron’s finger (an incident in which Burrows went completely undisciplined, for what it’s worth), everyone was quick to assume the worst: that Alex Burrows is a dirty player, one that will do anything to get under the opposition’s skin. No one even once considered the possibility that he might be a vampire. Seeing as there has been incidents of this in the past, it’s pretty irresponsible of everyone to ignore this notion.

When Todd Bertuzzi, irate that no one was trying to help Steve Moore get a spider off the back of his helmet, forcefully took matters into his own hands and inadvertently knocking Moore unconscious and out of hockey forever (whoops!), no one commended him for lending a hand. Instead, Bertuzzi, who was only trying to do the right thing, was unabashedly villified by society and SUSPENDED by the league for what amounted to approximately 20-30 games. Where is the justice in this, I ask?

There is a case to make here. Observe the following:

And not one of these plays resulted in a penalty against the opposing team.

To get back to a hatred of a more serious tone, the Canucks conventionally have always been a team to cry foul. It’s in no way insufferable, and I really like it when it happens. Roger Nielson’s legacy might be that of an innovator who revolutionized reviewing game video as a coaching tool, but his most defining moment may be when he famously raised a white towel in the playoffs, alluding that he was surrendering to what he thought was tedentious officiating.

This simple act of mewling begat what is now playoff tradition of towel waving in Vancouver, which says a lot about their fanbase. Not only are they all noted quitters, but they demonstrate how clearly they believe the refs are out to get their beloved dirty hockey team, and are even SO PROUD OF THIS that Nielson is forever immortalized outside Rogers Arena with a statue of him mid-twirl.

Way to establish credibility, gents.

Spandex And The Worst Thing To Ever Happen To Pro Sports

Canucks fans are generally the worst, everyone knows this. They go out of their way to establish it at every turn. But atrocious fansmanship is a pandemic that has spread across sports as a totality, so why even mention it? Well, the Canucks took something awful, and mutated it into what I consider to be a plague on the world and needs to be exterminated, either through force, or by any other means necessary.

Of course, you already know I’m referring to the Green Men. This is skullduggery at it’s most extreme, and it’s so insincere it makes me wretch.

At it’s core, the Green Men are are two idiots trying to redefine what it is to be a sports fan. Their definition of the term seems to include a clause allowing vigilante fanaticism, and encourages bystanders to get involved in the game to degrees that alter the outcome of a game AND diminish the integrity of the game and the people who support it.

The arrogance to assert that they make a difference in ways that do not border on dangerous (whuddup, dude who fell into the penalty box with Tie Domi in Philadelphia?) is about as offensive as their refusal to acknowledge that they ripped off Charlie Day and the Green Man from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. It’s plenty possible to be an impassioned sports fan and not rely on cheap ploys; to not become a distraction. An embarrassment. That’s what these two sock stuffing community college comedy troupe rejects are trying to change. It’s dangerous, it’s disingenuous, and it’s not even terribly clever.

In short, it’s incredibly Vancouver.

Civic Disobedience

Speaking of fans doing terrible things, hey, what’s with the rioting, City of Vancouver?

There are several reasons why riots occur. Generally, it comes from reactions to unpopular public discourse, a fight for better living or working conditions, conflicts between religious sectors, or just due to factors of generic civic unrest.

Punching people in public and setting things on fire with other things that have already been set on fire because of your favourite hockey team is asinine. I realize this sort of thing happens all the time in international soccer (and Montreal, usually just because), but we’re not here to hate them today, so let’s not let that sway our opinion.

The fact that everyone came out the following day, and in the face of contrary evidence from the Vancouver Police Department, brashly declared that the riots were not the actions of Vancouver Canucks fans rang about as sincere as the Green Men coming out and saying the refs have an agenda against Alex Burrows. We’ve already established the character of Canucks fans and their masked union reps, so their inability to accept accountability for the wanton destruction of their own beloved home comes as no surprise, but it is about as appalling as a Max Lapierre "hockey play".

But why, BoL, why would Vancouver Canucks supporters do this to their own town? Surely we’re dealing with a secret society of thugs who have their pulse on heightened emotions of a community and prey on it to create mayhem. This is an isolated incident, after all, and it’s not like this happens everytime the Canucks choke at their most chokiest?

  

 

whoops.

Let The Hate Flow Through You

Is it fair to harp on the Canucks at a time when their team and their fanbase are grieving a second consecutive embarrassingly thorough early playoff defeat? They are at their lowest, their most sensitive, and it seems in poor taste to pile on top of that, as if they’re oh, let’s say, Steve Moore.

Uh…no.

You have two quality starting goaltenders who have accomplished nothing more than Dan Cloutier aside from being better at Twitter.

You have noted mouthbreather Vern Fiddler present a perfect and apt rendition of Kevin Bieksa as a caveman that was so convincing even Canucks coach Alain Vigneault couldn’t help but be swayed.

Ryan Kesler’s lasting legacy will be that of a naked douchebag and not of a hockey player.

Pavel Bure had stupid hair.

The Canucks mascot, Fin the Whale, is a fat orca and inspired by former Canuck Kyle Wellwood.

You acquired Keith Ballard on purpose.

What in the hell is up with Marc Crawford’s voice?

WHAT?

No one likes you. You’re all Millhouse. You’re Milton Waddams. Stale fruitcake. Black licorice. One Direction. Nic Cage. you are the worst. You will never amount to anything, and it warms all of our hearts here at FlamesNation to see you continually come to to the precipice of success, only to have it so cruelly wrested from you as you fall into our Two Minutes Hate.

Thank you.

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  • Truculence

    Holy crap, I’m not drunk anymore and I can’t believe I wrote that. I don’t know why I start writing liking I’m preparing a University essay when I am drunk, but I didn’t mean to offend anyone.

    But, by lower classes, I do not mean “the poor”. Just a bad choice of words. The former term encompasses far more than just pay grade in modern socities. But, I was just quickly wiritng off the top of my head while I was buzzing. There is a deeper social context to what happened in Vancouver that cannot be simply explained by stupid Canucks fans, but I didn’t mean to absolve a lot of partygoers who hailed from middle-to-upper class families for what they perpetrated.

    Just wanted to say there was much more to the riot, and apparently certain portions of BOL’s essay pissed me off into a rant.

    Sorry, buddy!!!! Still live you in a hetero way, man!!

    Anyways, gotta fly out of country. Hope to keep up with the great discourse here while abroad (and while I am not drunk!!)

    • Canucks Suck

      There are always going to be losers in every city who will take any excuse to go steal from those that have worked hard and earned what they have. It was the same thing at the olympics with all the hippies(just generalizing) that didn’t want the money spent on the olympics but on drug addicts and all that. My answer to that was do you really think they will spend the money on your drug addicts if there are no olympics? Plus the improvements to the city infrastructure and boost in tourism that will likely last for another good 10 years just off those olympics will benefit the city as a whole far more than any little program would have.

      Anyway people who do this feel that everyone owes them a living and that they are justified in taking from others. I have a friend like this, he just hasn’t gone so far as to vandalize or steal. It’s not necessarily the “poor” so much as those who are unwilling to work to earn a dollar. K I’m done ranting haha…damn hippies…

      • I deny the entire premiss.

        Flames fans didn’t riot after being jobbed in game 6 in 2004. Nor did they riot after loosing again in game 7. I do however agree that there will always be loosers in SOME cities waiting to “take any excuse to go steal from those that have worked hard and earned what they have.” I would even agree that there will always be loosers in THAT city waiting to “take any excuse to go steal from those that have worked hard and earned what they have,” but not any city guy.

        Not this city.

  • Bucknuck

    It was interesting to see the riot footage from 1994 and how bad that was. I had forgotten about those. Seems kind of sad that it happened again just a couple years ago. What a bunch of boobs. Just think, it was a whole new generation of youth gone wild. I doubt it was the same troublemakers. I have to agree with House.

  • Canucks Suck

    Wow… just… wow… you’ve outdone yourself… I live in vancouver and am currently posting this on everyone of my canuck friends FB wall… slow clap worthy

  • Canucks Suck

    Excellent article, couldn’t have said it better myself. I would love to see Todd’s reaction, the whining about the reffing is so true. I see it everywhere I used to post on some hockey forums and the Canucks fans always had something to say about the refs.

  • flamesburn89

    Canucks whining about embellishing when they have Kesler and Burrows…… My favorite out of all of those dives was the Kesler one against Richards in game 1 of the playoffs last year. Vintage Ryan Kesler!

  • An excellent article & I do hope the Canucks win the Stanley Cup someday in the distant future, but not until every player & staffer who was with the team in 2011 is no longer with them. If the team was lead by players with character, I could cheer for them if they were the last team from Canada in the playoffs. Until Until then however, I’ll root for the teams they play against in the playoffs whether it be the Flames, Blackhawks, Bruins, Kings, Sharks or anyone else even including the Oilers.

  • acg5151

    First, the Green Men did admit that they ripped off Always Sunny in Philly, in fact if you look at their reddit they did mention that it was the main inspiration.

    Second, the Canucks have employed all sorts of scumbags. So have most NHL teams. The Canucks have employed more than their fair share, and no one is going to dispute that – but I don’t know of any NHL fanbases that can truly claim the moral high ground.

    Officiating – true that it is biased against the Canucks – in large part to our team’s actions on the ice over the past two years. The idea that Canucks are shameless divers is really overstated. Pretty much every team in the past 5 years has had some divers on them. It could be argued that the LA Kings and Boston Bruins were worse. In fact, it is regularly argued and it isn’t really disputed – not to mention the Canucks have really slowed down on the embellishment.

    Finally, a lot of Canucks fans are serious d-bags. But, guess what, Flames fans? I’ve had to deal with plenty of Flames fans who were pretty terrible too.

    In the end it all boils down to the fact that the Canucks have never won a cup, and have been so close two times. Canucks fans love their team so much, and have never been rewarded for the support they give. Imagine, in 1989 if the Flames hadn’t won it and Calgary had never won the cup? Flames fans would be even more annoying than they are today.

    All in all, I really wish that the Flames weren’t terrible because I want the Flames-Canucks to be a real rivalry again. It won’t be happening for a while but it would be nice.

    • Craig

      That whole I wish Calgary was better for the rivalry is such a condescending overused phrase by Canuck fans. “I wish you were good but your bad, and your going to be bad for a long time.” it really just comes off as fake and backhanded. Of course you want a bitter rival to be bad! That’s the whole enjoyment of having a bitter rival. I for one love seeing the oilers suck, and I love that the Canucks suck now too. I’m not going to even pretend I want either of those teams to be good “for the sake of the rivalry”

      Hilarious.

  • Scary Gary

    Calgary has been holding the cup over everyones head for 25 years. Yet you can’t even make the playoffs. C’mon man I could understand gloating if you had a decent team,but you don’t. The Flames suck and will continue to for many years to come. No wonder Iggy left.

    • Excellent stuff, Neil Watkins from accounting (Seinfeld reference), but I’m not sure at any point this was an “our team is better than your team because we won a Cup in 1989” debate. Just a friendly reminder of the smarmy, fairly intolerable mess the Canucks and a bulk of its vocal fans, have become.

  • Personally, as a Canucks fan, I enjoy seeing a team be good, and then beating them, and realizing we’re better than them. I understand that, for some reason, Flames fans are full of vitriol – most of you live in Calgary, and your team is objectively terrible, so who can blame you? – but there’s a lot of unnecessary nonsense tangled up in here.

    Yes, the Canucks lost the series. No, they didn’t lose due to bad reffing. Let alone ‘vindictive’ reffing, if that’s even a real thing. I don’t believe in conspiracies.

    Yes, the riots happened. Yes, there were Canucks fans there. No, I would not cite the reasons behind the riot as ‘hockey related’, and I wouldn’t attribute them to ‘the poor’. It was just shitty people. It’s not representative of the fans, though, I’m sorry. Show us your tits, Red Mile. Oh, wait, you don’t get to go to the playoffs anymore.

    Yes, there’s a history of diving, here – but if you think it’s our team alone, you’re kidding yourselves.

    Remember when Keith Ballard was good? Well, he was good on a bad team, anyway. So I don’t know what to tell you. I sorta like him? But in a masochistic sorta way. Also, his dog is named George. He’s all man. Did you know that? I do. I wish I didn’t.

    And Pavel Bure’s hair WAS stupid.

    And isn’t the Flames mascot a dog? What’s up with that? Why’s it named Harvey? Why does it wear pants? Why not a jersey? ‘First pound draft pick’? I’m so upset, you guys.

    Anyhow, I enjoy the humour, and, like all things, take it all with a grain of salt.

    We all may be fans of different teams, but, when it comes down to it, we’re all Canadian, and we’re all people, and we’re all part of The Nations. And I love your dumb asses.

    So, Flames fans, I salute you, and your team, for sucking so hard that us fans, and our Vancouver Canucks, look so much more handsome than you.

    But, hey, at least you’re not Edmonton. Or Steve Moore.

  • Captain Ron

    Best two minutes of hate ever!!!! BOL you rock!!!

    Please re post this annually on FN!!!

    I had forgotten about the 94 riot in Vancouver. The last one must have been started by their offspring. LMAO

    But it wasn’t started by Canucks fans. Yeah right.
    Must have been all those poor people getting out of line again.