FGD: Suck It

Oilers Flames Hockey

Via halifaxdrunk

Originally, this was going to be a sob piece.

Man, was it ever going to be beautiful. Our cities’ respective teams are both, in a word, repugnant. Flawed management persists, coaches play favourites, people still buy tickets and no one wins. There’s so many reasons why fans of these two teams are alike.

But then I thought that wallowing in sadness wasn’t really in the spirit of the Battle of Alberta.

So then I thought I would write about the juxtaposition of the Oilers (who have gone more than two decades without a cup, who have inept upper management leaders that refuse to abdicate their power to people who in no way could do a worse job running the team, who have endured a streak of more than half a decade without the playoffs and who have fans thinking there is no future) against the Flames, (who have gone more than two decades without a cup, who have inept upper management leaders that refuse to abdicate their power to people who in no way could do a worse job running the team than they have, who have endured a streak of more than half a decade without the playoffs and who have fans thinking there is no future) because the two teams are obviously so different. But that was a garbage idea too.

So, let’s be honest here – in terms of the hockey game out there tonight, there’s not really much to care about because both of these teams suck for so many reasons. Thus, that concludes your game preview.


Haha, man, you really did think that was the end, didn’t you? Wouldn’t be surprised. You are from Edmonton. Hell, I’m surprised you’ve even made it this far without slumping over and drooling on your keyboard.


I came to the conclusion that what I really should be writing about is how f***ing bad Edmonton is.

  • Every single one of your sports teams is garbage. They’ve all fallen, and they can’t get up.
  • Seriously, what the f*ck is “#GOilers”? Goilers sounds like a mutated version of herpes.
  • H and E are really all that’s left and E bleeds shot attempts. How awesome is that contract going to look in like, oh, 8 months ago?

Clean Hit

  • What in the blue f*ck is this stupid “squeeee” bullsh*t? “I’m going to make the most annoying noise possible when my favourite overrated player does anything remotely positive because LOL!” Good thing Eberle doesn’t do much good often. 


  • God Edmonton media is just the worst, too. “Let’s run every talented player who doesn’t speak english out of town! GRIT! TOUGHNESS! GAZDICCCCCCCCCCCCCCC”

“Oh Yeah He Totally Won That One”

  • I had to drive through Edmonton on my way to Bonnyville this summer. Even passing through the city was terrible. The roads look like the pockmarked face of a 70 year old pack-a-day smoker. Even the “engineering wonder” that is the Anthony Henday is terrible in comparison to Calgary’s ring road. Ours is going to be done when yours is even though it’s longer (25 kms) and it started like a decade later.
  • I guess living within explosion distance of refineries makes up for the 2 cent difference in gas.
  • Does anyone really even give a sh*t about West Edmonton Mall anymore? All it is is monolithic, ugly and out-of-date.
  • Haha the downtown arena man that’s a horrible idea huge waste of money
  • Oh that’s still going forward okay then lol
  • Also looks like sperm

This was actually on the city’s website. Seriously.

  • Can a city really be called a city of champions if no one ever wins anything?
  • Why are there hundreds of jacked up trucks that are always sparkling clean?
  • 2011’s Homicide Capital of Canada!

Edmonton Sun, Jan. 1, 2012

  • Capital Ex (or Klondike days or whatever it’s called) is basically the ginger who writes “butts” as an answer on his test compared to the A+ student that is the Calgary Stampede.
  • http://walkingdeadmonton.tumblr.com
  • We even hate Toronto, Vancouver and Montréal better than you do!

In summary,

Love, Justin

  • DoubleDIon

    Edmonton is one of the ugliest cities on the planet. Most cities in 3rd world countries have less garbage laying about.

    The only viable businesses in Edmonton are pawn shops where their criminals can unload goods they’ve stolen from other places and porn shops where the perverts of the city can come together and feel like they aren’t the dregs of society because there are other people from Edmonton there.

    There, I’ve contributed to the troll blog… 😉

  • 2004Z06

    I certainly hope this was some kind of a joke. I have no issue with poking fun at each other sports teams futility over the last several years, but mocking the city of Edmonton and Edmontonians is going a little too far. How quickly they forget that thousands of Edmontonians and Edmonton based companies were there to help when your city was completely underwater less than a year ago.

    • Quicksilver ballet

      The overstepping the sporting bounds often happens when a loser is established. It’s just heat of the moment meanderings that will fade into oblivion. We all have our “dagger” moments.

      We should cut them some slack. The flames did just lose to a 30th place hockey club. There’s obviously some healing time required for Flames fans.

  • Derzie

    The Coilers are by far and away the worst managed team in the NHL. Last night we lost to those lowly beasts. Call this our rock bottom rebuild moment. Nowhere to go but up now.

  • Brent G.

    Having had the unfortunate experience of being moved to Edmonton recently for work I can tell you it is a total sh*t hole in comparison to Calgary; and I was born in Edmonton. Sure u of a is a great school and lister was the best year of my life but really the city is old, tired, ugly and disjointed. There is literally nothing in the downtown core worth speaking about and the night life is subpar.

    The people are friendly but I have yet to find someone who is really committed to the city and wouldn’t leave tomorrow. Katz owns that monstrucity of a house and doesn’t even live there, choosing greener pastures as so many people here would love to have the option of doing. Edmontonians know they are living in Calgarys shadow. Even the ‘nice’ areas of the city (like south side) are generic, cookie cutter houses that are boring.

    I look forward to getting out of this place ASAP and hope to watch the city burn in the review mirror as I go. This city was obviously a mistake from day one and burning it to the ground and starting over seems to be the only likely option at this point.

    Calgary definitely has it’s problems like all cities do but I can tell you in my return to Edmonton recently it really puts things into perspective of what a great great place it is by comparison

    Too much…? 🙂

    • please cancel acct

      Way to verbose. Ya gotta git in there with quick hitters, jab and run just like I do with your sister. Really we don’t expect much intellectual tenacity by mouth breathers from Calgareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

    • ubermiguel

      I was raised in Sherwood Park and moved to calgary for school in 1988 and havent left yet. As a resident of both cities I can tell you both are two of the best cities in the world. Edmonton I can tell you with its river valley is far superior to calgary in that aspect. Calgary has wonderful mountainview and its core since I moved here in 1988 has become dynamic. When Edmonton gets the downtown arena I am sure it will bring that same electricity. It is obvious that Brent G lives a shallow life, probably lives in a basement suite and plays xbox all day since he probably has no friends since he is obviously a very negative person. My advice to you Brent is put down the controller, find a friend and start enjoying the wonderful city that you moved to for employment. Once you become more positive you may actually meet someone who enjoys being in your presence. Good luck in the future Brent.

  • YFC Prez

    Hahaha this is pretty funny. I’m a diehard Edmontonian but even I can admit Calgary is nicer. The funny part of this topic was that in as much as people would leave Edmonton if they could, the same is true for Calgariy. It’s nicer but that’s not saying much… A lady at Costco this summer, asked me if I wanted to donate to Red Cross for flood victims. I thought she meant India (where they had a massive death toll) but then she said Calgary. I burst out laughing, I hope the rivers crest again next year you hick f*cks!

    • Johnnydapunk

      Actually having lived in both cities i found both have their upsides and downsides- calgary has warmer winters and edmonton has nicer summers-edmonton has a nicer river valley, calgary has mountain views, edmonton is richer in arts, calgary has the stampede-people who say one city is better than the other probably have obviously not experienced the best that each city can offer-im sorry but driving a ring road doesnt teach you squat about the city-and finally edmonton has 5 stanleys and calgary has 1 and edmonton will get another before calgary so eat sh@$ edmonton haters.