Welcome, welcome one and all, to the inaugural post in the NEW First Star, Worst Star feature! For those of you that are new around here, or have just forgotten a lot of things due to Oilers-related-alcohol-abuse (ORAB) this is a feature we did a lot of years back where we highlight the best and the worst thing in the NHL this week! You can check out the OG posts here!
Without further ado, here we go!
First star this week goes to Seth Griffith of the Boston Bruins. So you’re a 21 year old rookie, who has managed to crack the NHL roster of one of the best teams in the league. How do you go about making a lasting impression on your coach and GM? SIMPLE! All you need to do is block a shot, go coast to coast, beat two defensmen at the same time, and then score a goal through your legs with your back to the net! EASY AS PIE!
This goal is simply amazing, but what’s MORE amazing to me is the fact that Cory Schneider didn’t just die of embarrassment on the spot. I mean, my god man, how do you let that beat you? One of your defensemen is completely hanging off him, AND HE HAS HIS BACK TO YOU! HE CAN’T EVEN SEE THE NET! Remember how a few years ago everyone in Vancouver was all “VANCOUVER IS TOTALLY NOT A GOALIE GRAVEYARD ANYMORE YOU GUYS! THE CURSE IS BROKEN!” Yeah, about that…..
it takes a lot to get the mumps/a pinch of shit, and perry tooooo pic.twitter.com/bnkOjhyy3I
— josh (@Whoabot) November 13, 2014
The Anaheim Ducks, and more specifically Corey Perry and Francois Beauchemin. *Chris Rock Voice* The mumps? THE MUMPS? MAN HOW YOU GET THE MUMPS IN 2014? Where you from, Liberia?
The mumps vaccine was introduced in 1967, and since 2001 there’s only been around 250 cases of it per year in the U.S. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE GUYS?? Was everyone on the Anaheim team plane playing the suck and blow game with a bag of used syringes? You’ve got better odds at winning the lottery than you do in getting the mumps, AND YOU WILL LITERALLY NEVER WIN THE LOTTERY! They may as well have come out and said they contracted the bubonic plague, because at least bubonic sounds hilarious and dirty (Boob-onic!!) I feel like this is somehow Jenny McCarthey’s fault.
And here’s a fun fact about the mumps, courtesy of Wikipedia:
“Males past puberty who develop mumps have a 15–20 percent risk of orchitis, painful inflammation of the testicles.”
Looks like their salivary glands aren’t the ONLY thing that are swelling HHHEEEEYYYYY-OOOOOOOO!!
Anyway, good job setting society back 50 years fellas. You’re walking around with swollen faces and swollen balls, like me after spending a night sleeping in Baggedmilk’s basement. You’re truly a disappointment to us all.
Got a suggestion for a first star or a worst star? Hit me up at firstname.lastname@example.org!