Flames Nation Weekly Power Rankings: How To Make This Worse

prankings

Let’s face it, yesterday sucked. On a personal note, I had to come back from a week long trip to California (I got a sunburn in February, so yeah, it was pretty good) and every time I got off a plane (I had two connector flights because I wanted to save like probably only $30 or something) bad things happened.

My first connection was in Salt Lake City and two monumentally bad things happened. A) I was in Salt Lake City, and B) Sven got traded. But not only did Sven get traded, Sven got traded to THEM.

Then, upon setting foot into Sea-Tac on what was actually a very lovely afternoon in Seattle, I was beset with paralysis after reading the news that Mark Giordano was to miss the rest of the season (and playoffs, as if to suggest this team has any business being in the playoffs with Giordano out of the lineup)

We were all still trying to come to terms with the hilarity of David Clarkson killing the Leafs being ruined, then these bombshells. There is maybe a prevailing thought amongst you, the readers of this fine blog, that these here power rankings might distract you from the grim reality plaguing our heroes in Cowtown, and I’m here to tell you “I don’t know”.

So here they are! As always, please take them very. seriously.

20. Jim Mora

Because I feel like this is apt now, and because 14 years later, this is still hilarious.

You kiddin’ me?

19. Vancouver’s 2nd round pick in 2015

The pick, who plays for Belye Medvedi Chelyabinsk in Russia’s MHL, needs to work on his footspeed but has creative hands for a kid his size. Good vision, goes hard to the corners, will somehow make the transition to goaltender seconds before he is drafted by the Flames.

18. Washington’s Third Round Pick in 2015

Not much is known about the flashy right winger from the WHL’s Princ Albert Raiders, except that he is a bigger man at 6’3, and that he is also Aki Seitsonen.

17. Washington’s Second Round Pick in 2015

My God, please make sure one of these draft picks sticks with the Flames. /pours scotch

16. Scorch

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Because his memory is all we have left.

15. Mark Giordano

First off, what a goal.

Secondly, I know we’re all bummed about our hero being done for the season, and rightfully so, a lot of the unlikely accomplishments this team has pulled off this year has been done on the backs of Gio and TJ Brodie, and not having the captain lace up his skates the rest of the way is devastating.

But let’s remember how great he is and pay tribute to what likely would have been a Norris Trophy winning season.

14. Sven Baertschi

It’s beyond fair to say that Sven never got a fair shake in Calgary, and you can count me on the list of people who think cutting bait on the kid is going to come back to haunt the Flames someday. He never really seemed to factor in to a post Feaster world, and it became pretty obvious with each passing week that his days as a Flame were numbered.

But before there was Monahan, before there was Bennett, or Gaudreau, we had Sven. This was the kid who was going to factor heavily in the Flames’ quest to relevance. And that 5 game audition in 2012 left us with a tantalizing glimpse of what we could have been in store for. Damn.

13. Curtis Glencross

The prevailing wisdom surrounding Curtis Glencross’ trade value was that he was worth something in the neighbourhood of a second round pick, and I think we’d all have been happy with that as a return.

Then GlenX goes and collects two thirds of a Gordie How hat trick, so Washington decided they’d need to sweeten the deal to acquire him.

Good luck in Washington, Curtis. We ragged on you a lot over the past couple of years, but for a time you were a great Calgary Flame.

12. Emile Poirier

Now with 3 NHL games of experience under his belt, I think it’s safe to say we can all truly assess the kind of worth Emile Poirier is going to bring to this league for the rest of his career.

First, it looks like he does a good job of keeping his beard in nice shape, so that’s a positive.

Secondly, it does look like his speed is going to be dangerous in the NHL, let’s just hope he doesn’t have Matthew Lombardi’s finishing abilities. The last thing this franchise needs is another Subaru (all wheels).

11. Michael Ferland

One time, Michael Ferland and I ended up in a bar brawl at a cowboy bar in Cochrane. I’m going to sue his ass off 2 years ago.

10. Mason Raymond’s Kid

Babies, am I right?

9. Matt Stajan’s Kid

Actually this one is a pretty nice story, considering some recent history involving Matty Franchise’s family. Congrats to the Stajans and the Raymonds on their happy new future hockey stars.

8. Deryk Engelland

Deryk Engelland is a third pairing defenseman who gets paid like he should be a higher end second pairing guy. Now, he’s the man.

Thanks to his own hard work, skill, grit, determination, leadership, uh, compete, savvy, hard in cornerness, playing the game the right way mentality (and literally no other reasons), Engelland was recently promoted to the top line with TJ Brodie, and I think we can all agree that this is going to go great.

7. Thomas James Brodie

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Speaking of Brodie, oh God, Brodie, oh man, I am so, so sorry. This is like going from driving a Porsche to carrying Deryk Engelland around on a rickshaw with two flat tires.

6. David Schlemko

That right there is pretty much what Taylor Hall trying to pass his boating exam looks like.

Schlemko has gone on waiver 2 or 3 times over the past few years, and not less than 1 Flames fans have thought about him being a good depthy pickup for the Flames, as he passes most of the tests you’d need to quantify how good he is. Anyway, it’s about time he got here, and I guess it’s as good a time as any now that Gio is out.

Now I would never suggest that Schlemko is anywhere close to the same ilk as our beloved captain, and he’s definitely not, but for one, it’s really fun to say Schlemko, and two, he’s a better option than, say…

5. Corey Potter

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Corey Potter is not REALLY ranked #5. He played a game, he tied in a nice transition with the previous David Schlemko ranking, he’s never been on the list before. That’s about all anyone has ever said about him.

Harry Potter is horseshit.

4. Joel Otto

#ItWasIn

Joel Otto is widely regarded as a pivotal piece that helped capture the 1989 Stanley Cup. He was not actually pivotal, but he is widely regarded as such.

The former Flame is the embodiment of what a third line center should look like. He was big, physical, drove hard to the net, could win almost every faceoff, chip in a few goals along the way, and, probably most important of all, has my third favourite palindrome of a last name.

3. Karri Ramo

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In the latest installment of “Is Karri Ramo the Flames’ starting goalie, well no he’s not, but maybe he is so keep playing him”, Ramo has done a pretty great job.

Karri was outstanding in a 2-1 loss against the Islanders where the Flames looked like they were a Dad Rock band going into a Battle of the Bands quarterfinal against Pink Floyd. This following a respectable 3-1 win over the admittedly New Jersey Devils-esque New Jersey Devils.

Ramo has in fact played the last 3 games and will get the start against Philly tonight – perhaps an odd choice now that the trade deadline is over – and has only allowed 3 goals over that span. He’s still not the number one guy, but I will say this: his flow is immaculate.

2. The Coaching Staff

I don’t know if it’s because he’s hurt or someone found some lewd photos, or what, but Brandon Bollig has not played a game since February 20th, with Bob Hartley and crew opting instead to go with callups from Adirondack despite being in something of a playoff push.

Now if that’s a message coming from up on high about this not being a “Going For It” year and taking the due diligence to scout prospects, I don’t know. But it seems a lot like earlier in the year when Hartley FINALLY saw the light on what kind of hot garbage Brian McGrattan was as a hockey player and took him out of the lineup as well.

Whether or not this team makes the playoff, it seems to me like we’ll be seeing a lot more of the Ferlands, Poiriers, Shores, and Granlunds rotating through the lineup instead of Bollig, and that’s a good thing. He’s your worst forward option and does nothing to help you win anyway, so it’s not like there’s really any debate here.

1. Sean Monahan

Look, I was gone all week and didn’t see a whole lot of Flames action. I’m just assuming Monahan was great. Feel free to tell me if he wasn’t.

A goal and assist against the Devils seems a little bit to me like more than what most of the rest of the Flames did this week, so let’s go with him, just so we can play the gif:

Sign-Off

murz