Welcome to the fourth Game Day Fire Drill, for this, Calgary’s 52nd game of the season on Feb. 7, 2009.

Wellity wellity wellity, a nice afternoon game for everyone to watch while hungover from what I hope was an eventful Friday night for you.

It’s a sad state of affairs indeed that finds that Ducks coming into Calgary with a record barely above .500 and still somehow fifth in the Western Conference. One supposes that it speaks to the overall quality of the top four teams versus that of the remainder of the pack, but screw it.

I hate a Saturday afternoon game, myself. And if I lived in Calgary, I would hate it even more that this game, sure to be a stinker, would cost me actual money to watch. Frankly, I can think of better things to do with that $13.

1) Buy 17 candy bars! Who doesn’t enjoy a nice Snickers or a bag of peanut butter M&Ms to start their Saturdays off right? That rich milk chocolate will be much sweeter than any Jarome Iginla shot attempt that goes 48 feet wide of the net in the dying seconds of a power play.

2) A whole month of Netflix! Want to watch Goodfellas for the 857th time? Sure you do; who wouldn’t? That movie’s awesome. Remember that scene where Ray Liotta’s all gakked up on coke and driving around with a paper bag full of guns while there are helicopters chasing him? So cool, and way better than watching Dion Phaneuf make another bad pinch that leads to a goal for Rob Niedermayer.

3) Put it in the bank! In these uncertain times, one has to consider where their money is going. Do you want it to go to the corporate fatcats, or do you want to hang onto it for when you get inevitably laid off in a move that will save your multi-billionaire employers literally tens of hundreds of dollars a month? Let’s face it, folks, 13 bucks buys a lot of cat food and garbage bags.

4) Donate it to chari… no I couldn’t even finish that one.

5) Beer money! Saturday night is just hours away. If you don’t have that $13, how else are you gonna make a terrible life decision just before the bars close?

The Calgary Flames (30-17-4 for 64 points. Fourth in the West, first in the Northwest) and the Anaheim Ducks (26-24-5 for 57 points. Fifth in the West, second in the Pacific)

1 p.m. Mountain time and 3 p.m. Eastern time. All other time zones need a timeout.

Pengrowth Saddledome, Calgary, Alberta.

Calgary is 19-6-3 at home this year. That’s good! They’re also 1-1-0 against the Ducks this year. That’s.. just barely alright!  The Flames won at home and lost on the road. Go figure.

Strap in for this one.

Corey Perry — I don’t like to swear on here too much, but in Perry’s case, I can’t help it: What a little shit. Seriously. He might be the most detestable person on earth, and certainly holds that title on the ducks. And when you’re on the same team as this next guy, that’s QUITE the accomplishment.

Chris Pronger — I can’t prove that it’s true, but I have heard rumors that cells from Pronger’s elbow were used in the manufacture of the bombs that were dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. You can ask any number of NHLers how they feel about this guy and you’ll get the same one-word answer across the board: scumbag. The only good thing he ever did was screw over Edmonton, and when even that isn’t enough to make you an alright guy in my book, you are a lower form of life than that one-eyed octopus thing from the trash compactor in Star Wars.

Ryan Getzlaf’s thinning hair — . Just shave your head dude. You look ridiculous.

Randy Carlyle — True story: I went to college with a kid named Randy Carlisle. He was a dick.

Bobby Ryan — He’s from New Jersey. That’s all you need to know about him.

Scott Niedermayer — Looks like a crazed hobo.

Rob Niedermayer — Will soon be a crazed hobo.

Teemu Selanne — One of the first NHL games I really remember going to, and I must have been 10 or 11 at the time, was when the Bruins were playing the Jets back at the old Boston Garden. This was when Selanne was unstoppable but injured all the time. One section over from me and my dad was a group of college kids, drunk off their asses, and all yelling “TEEMU SELANNEEEEEEE” in a high-pitched voice so as to indicate that he was a girl. I found this to be insanely funny, and hear those taunts in my head any time I think of Selanne and his stupid helmet.

George Parros — The facial hair would be great if he was in Blue Oyster Cult, but he ain’t. He looks stupid.

All the cool kids are doing it. Enjoy the game (in exchange for $13) and feel free to yammer amongst yourselves in the comments section!