GDFD No. 61: Keep it fair, keep it fair

15 years ago

Welcome to the 13th Game Day Fire Drill, for this, Calgary’s 61st game of the season on Feb. 27, 2009.

Funny story, I’m not going to see this game tonight, and that’s likely for the best, isn’t it?

Minnesota games are boring and the outcome is more or less inevitable, especially when the game is in Calgary: a W.

Yawn.

I’m bored just thinking about it. So let’s try to spice up these games, or at least make them a little more even, with some fun suggestions that I came up with just now to seriously hinder the Flames’ chances:

The Flames have to play in their bare feet. They won’t be so eager to go to the boards if they’re gonna get their feet stepped on, will they?
Jarome Iginla has to play with a blindfold on. Iggy scores more goals than anyone in the league ever against the Wild. And tonight he’ll have extra motivation since he’s two goals from 400 and three points from the Flames’ all-time lead.
Miikka Kiprusoff replaced with Wild backup Josh Harding. I don’t doubt he’ll keep it fair.
The Flames have to take a fistful of sleeping pills before the game. That would slow the game to what the Wild consider an acceptable pace so that they don’t feel the need to trap.
NHL rules altered to allow Derek Boogaard to fight anyone at any time, including coaches, equipment managers and trainers.
Robyn Regehr cannot check anyone/has to play with no helmet so that his bald head will shame him.
Mike Cammalleri plays handcuffed and must talk with a stereotypical Italian accent. “WHY-A YOU SHOOT-A DA PUCK?”
Dion Phaneuf’s jersey is changed to read “Mr. Cuthbert.”
Todd Bertuzzi has to be on every line.
One Wild player will be allowed to carry a loaded firearm and use it at his discretion.

Can you come up with any better suggestions?

Who:

The Calgary Flames (35-18-6 for 76 points. Tied for third in the West, first in the Northwest) and the Minnesota Wild (30-24-5 for 65 points. Seventh in the West, third in the Northwest)

When:

7 p.m. Mountain time and 9 p.m. Eastern time. All other time zones should realize the collapse of capitalism isn’t such a bad thing.

Where:

Pengrowth Saddledome, Calgary, Alberta.

Calgary is 21-7-4 at home this year, and have won 20 of the last 22 against the Wild at the SaddleDome. The Wild are 12-13-0 on the road, and have earned two points, both from overtime losses, against the Flames in three games this season. They lost the only other game in Calgary 2-1 in regulation.

What (to hate about the Wild):

“The State of Hockey” — I guess I’ll give the bad news to Massachusetts, which has produced some of the greatest American hockey players in the history of the sport. Jeremy Roenick and Tom Barasso are from Boston. Mike Eruzione, who captained the Miracle on Ice 1980 US Olympic team (the most important team in the history of sport), is from Winthrop. Who do you have? Oh yeah, Phil Housley. *sarcastic applause*

Doug Risebrough — Like I have to explain to you why he’s such a d-bag. That stint as coach and GM was noooot so good.

The Marian Gaborik situation — It is my firm belief that Marian Gaborik would be healthy as a race horse were he with any other organization but the Wild. They’re trying to drive down his asking price for when free agency rolls around on July 1 so they can keep him on the cheap. Thalium poisoning or something, I bet. Munchausen by Proxy syndrome!

10,000 lakes — It’s too goddamn many. Fill in some of them.

Why?

Because unlike Edmonton fans, you have a touch-tone phone like a real human being. Enjoy the game and let’s work for a better tomorrow in the comments section.