Welcome to the 21st Game Day Fire Drill, for this, Calgary’s 69th game of the season on March 14, 2009.

Wuh ohs.

The good news is the Flames are playing a terrible team on national television so that means we might all get to watch this brutal beatdown together.

But the bad news is that the terrible team is also hosting Calgary, so it’s unlikely that the Flames will win. Because the Flames never ever beat bad teams on the road. One need look no farther than, say, last Friday and Saturday. I mean, look, if the Flames play the way they did on Thursday against the Wings, the Flames will almost certainly cruise to a 28,957-(-6) win.

But if they play like they did in Raleigh and Atlanta, then may God have mercy on our souls.

The Calgary Flames (40-22-6 for 86 points. Third in the West, first in the Northwest) and the Toronto Maple Leafs (27-29-13 for 67 points. Eleventh in the East, fourth in the Northeast)

5 p.m. Mountain time and 7 p.m. Eastern time. All other time zones should find a good friend.

Air Canada Centre, Toronto, Ontario.

Calgary is 18-14-7 on the road this year, and has won two of five on this road trip, which wraps tonight. The Leafs are a terrible 12-13-9 at home and have gone to overtime in five of their last seven at the ACC.

Exposure — Oh my god, CBC and TSN, they’re terrible. GET THEM OFF MY TV.

Jason Blake — Ugh, he looks like a Lord of the Rings character.

I haven’t trusted him ever since the Scouring of the Shire. Also, how does THAT guy lead a team in scoring? Oh man they suck.

Jiri Tlusty — I’ve seen way too much of that guy. Way. Too. Much.

They’re really bad — And that means they’re going to win by six.

Brian Burke — If only for the Vancouver connection.

Ron Wilson — Crybaby.

Because Saturday night’s all right for fighting. Enjoy the game and talk all about Don Cherry’s love of “beautiful Canadian boys” in the comments section.