The Great American Victory Report Pt. 4: Still the one

14 years ago

Howdy folks.

The Olympics are, of course, all about athletic competition, pushing to be the best, and coming together as a global community to celebrate peace and goodwill. But let’s be honest here, it’s also about winners and losers. Canada may have won the most gold ever but I think it’s time we took a look at the real winner: America.

As far as I know, I’m the only American (read also: non-loser) who writes for the various Nations, and that’s why I have taken it upon myself to come here and remind you that the United States has and will continue to dominate "Your Olympics."

There are several very specific reasons why.

1. At no point did we have to change the rules.

Ready which country am I? "Oh hey, unbeatable speed skaters, we’re pretty sure we’re going to have to disqualify you and allow several Canadians to medal. Yeah, you, uh, changed lanes or something. Shoved somebody? Something like that. Tough noogies, pal."

I am Canada. Pretty easy to win when a Canadian official just so happens to be making decisions like that, I think.

2. Note to self: invent sports to win gold.

So Canada’s getting dominated in medal count, right? All Canadians feel very sad about this. I read the tweets and blog posts, so don’t try to tell me different. Then someone has the bright idea: maybe we just tell everyone the IOC has always gone by who had the most gold medals. Yeah okay guys sounds good, let’s get that out there. But wait Canada didn’t win ANY gold in Calgary.. what to do? Well, according to known Canadian Damien Cox: "Big reason why is most of the sports that have delivered gold in VAN didn’t exist back then." Oh now it all makes sense. Make up a bunch of crap sports and win at those. You have to applaud the scheming brilliance.

3. Something about a hockey game.

Oh yeah, you beat a team with Chris Drury on it. Bravo. How did you ever accomplish such a towering feat? Oh right, you had it in your country with three Canadian officials. Well done.

4. I said right from the get-go that it’s all about medal count.

And would ya lookit that. America: 37. Everyone else, especially Canada: considerably less than that. And again, that’s with Canada making up some malarkey against the great and accomplished Apolo Anton Ohno.

(5. Neil Young rules)

(He totally does. And I called him jamming Long May You Run at the closing ceremonies. Best Canadian thing at the Olympics.)