First Star, Worst Star: April 5th, 2015

Happy Easter everyone! I hope you’ve all gotten sufficiently full on ham, chocolate, and the blood of Jesus. Before settling in for a late nap/early bed time here’s First Star, Worst Star rising from the dead like the Easter Bunny!

Let’s take a look at what’s going on in Russia lately, shall we?

So much to discuss here so let’s break it down a bit:

– From what I’ve been able to gather this clip comes to us from what is essentially the Russian equivelent of the AHL. We pick things up in the second period of game 3 of a semi-final series between a team wearing white jerseys and a team wearing blue ones. 

– Things appear to be pretty chippy already, as games tend to be the further along you go in the playoffs. The coach of the blue team has an issue with something the ref did/did not do, and is VERY animatedly letting him know about it. For some reason the white team coaches join in on the frey (to also argue with the ref I’m assuming) and next thing you know we’ve broken into a full-on middle-aged-men-in-suits shoving match! 

– Here’s a new move I’ve never seen before: the “pinch the cheek as if you’re someone’s overly aggressive aunt” maneuver! 

– As these things normally go both teams end up getting involved in a lot of half-hearted pushing; what I like to call “Oilers Style Aggression”. 

– Because we’re in Russia a guy in a giant fur hat pops up from the pile, seemingly out of nowhere. I’m assuming this would be similar to if a Mountie appeared to break up that Roy/Boudreau glass pushing match from last year. 

 – FIRST POWER MOVE: At around 1:45 one of the coaches rips a blue players helmet off and hurls it at him full force, all in smooth motion. 

– SECOND POWER MOVE: We skip ahead about 6 seconds and for seemingly no reason at all coach Andrei Razin appears sans shirt! HOW DID WE GET HERE? Did he just find himself underneath a pile of players and decide to get prepared just in case things REALLY popped off? And to put a beautiful, vodka-filled cherry on top he gives the crowd a show!

– Razin then goes on to hold court with the referees, still sans shirt! 

– And just to REALLY hammer the point home that he’s an unhinged crazy person, Razin gives the opposing bench the “Always watching you” gesture as he gathers up his clothes and makes his way back to bench, all the while with a maniacal smile on his face. Pro-tip: DO NOT mess with Russian hockey coaches. 

I’m assuming this is what happens when the leader of your country seizes every opportunity to pose shirtless. 

– Order is finally restored, the refs sort out penalties, and we are left with what will probably be my favorite image of the 2014-15 hockey season:

“When you walk to your car the morning after Baggedmilk’s birthday.”

The bar has been raised here gang. Your move coach Roy! 

Congrats to the United States Women’s National Team for defeating Team Canada in the gold medal game of the World Hockey Championships this weekend. Thankfully the US team has plenty of room for another World Championships trophy, as their mantles aren’t cluttered with silly Olympic gold medals or anything like that!

I still have no idea what the hell is happening here. 

This is at both the most amazing shootout save, and worst shootout attempt I’ve ever seen. Err….. Well…. At least Joey Crabb got a shot off here I guess? Still though the goalie is literally staring at his skates the entire time and you STILL SOMEHOW HIT HIM SQAURE IN THE PADS?? 

The official story is that Manchester Monarchs goalie Patrik Bartosak couldn’t hear the whistle, and therefore had no idea Crabb was coming down to shoot on him. But I’m going to choose to believe that Bartosak did this on purpose, and it was the ultimate in psychological warfare. He got SO FAR into Crabb’s head that he panicked and wasted a golden opportunity where he literally could have just pushed the puck into the net from inches away. 

Luckily for Crabb his Hartford Wolfpack team ended up winning, so no real harm or foul. And Bartosak seems to be laughing the whole thing off too. 

But all parties involved should be throughly embarrassed. You’re never going to make an NHL team by pulling stunts like this. I mean, unless that team is the Sabres or the Coyotes or the Oilers or the Leafs or….