Flames Assistant GM Job Posting
13 years ago
For the Calgary Flames, the 09-10 season was akin to a ride on a rollercoaster. A season that started full of promise and hope ended as one mired in despair and regret. As one could reasonably expect after such a tumultuous ride, the fans of the team, lost and disheartened, sought guidance.
Direction came in the form of a now infamous post season press conference. Ken King, President of the Flames, revealed that the organization was in the process of hiring one or two people to assist Darryl Sutter, the GM of the team, with his duties. An ‘Assistant GM’ was on the way.
A draft and a free agency period later, nobody has been hired. This has led many in the fan base to question the motives of the announcement. Were the Flames lying to them, to get the heat off Darryl?
Relax Flames fans. The fact that a ‘New Assistant GM’ hasn’t been hired isn’t a reflection of the Flames administrations general disdain for the paying customer. It is actually a result of a simple clerical error. Instead of sending out the ‘want ads’ out to qualified candidates such as Kelly Kisio, a mail room mix-up scattered them to the four corners of the Earth. After much bribery and coercion, Domebeers managed to get a hold of the ‘want ad’.
We now present it to FlamesNation.
Calgary Flames
Assistant General Manager (AGM)
The Calgary Flames Hockey Club is looking for qualified people to join our management team. We are world class organization, having captured the Stanley Cup in 1989. We would like to add great, knowledgeable people to our premiere organization; people who will contribute to the ongoing and continued success of the Calgary Flames.
DUTIES:
- Looking After The Ranch: During the season, Darryl Sutter will have to travel across the continent in order to scout and evaluate talent. Any prospective AGM will have to be prepared to plow Darryl’s fields, feed Darryl’s horses, milk Darryl’s cows, and keep the varmints and the cattle thieves off the property.
- Chauffeur: Darryl hasn’t really gotten used to the horseless buggy yet. Because of this, any prospective AGM will have to be prepared to drive Darryl to the saloon in the morning, to the Saddledome in the afternoon, and back to the saloon after the games. Darryl doesn’t like to drink alone, so be prepared to also chauffer his prized horse, Grit, around too.
- Caddying: Due to the play of the team the last couple of years, Darryl Sutter has had plenty of time to acquire a taste for golf. As AGM you will be required to caddy for Darryl, holding his clubs and suggesting how to attack holes. Darryl will not listen to any of this advice. Any shot Darryl makes is because of his genius, and any shot he misses is because his idiot caddy gave him bad advice (of course, only ‘casual fans’ don’t already realize this).
- Pick Up And Delivery: Darryl Sutter is not a morning person. Hangovers will do that. As an AGM, you will be required to fetch Darryl’s ‘hair of the dog’ whenever he asks. Liquor store isn’t open? Grab a crowbar, buddy. Also, while not officially part of your duties as AGM, you will be asked to get Ken Kings very expensive coffee. You better do it. Ken Kings a big man.
- Media Relations: Darryl Sutter has set a tone for this organization. As the AGM, you will be required to tow this line. Whenever a media member requests comment from Darryl, you will be required to spit in their face and slash their tires. If those know nothing idiots continue to pester Darryl, you will be required to come up with demeaning nicknames for Darryl to call them and their spouses.
- Knowing Your Place: Darryl Sutter is a very busy man. As the AGM, you will be required to call his secretary whenever you need to get into contact with Darryl. Don’t worry, he won’t call you back.
- Birthdays and Bar Mitzvahs: Several members of the Flames ownership and administration have young children. As AGM, you will be required to put on the clown suit and entertain them. It’s not like you’d have any dignity left to lose at this point anyways, right?
REQUIREMENTS:
- Any potential AGM will have to prove they were born in Alberta
- Will have to have at least four (4) years in the field of Agriculture
- Will have to be able to mix a mean Milskey
- Will have to be able to juggle and make balloon animals
- Will have to not be customer friendly
- Will have to be highly motivated and passionate about creating a miserable working environment for the members of the media
- Will have to know when to sit down and shut the hell up
- While not required, it will help your application if your surname is Sutter.
- Addition/Subtraction skills not required
- Complete disdain for the fans is required
We thank all applicants for their interest in joining the Calgary Flames management team, however, only those candidates selected for an interview will be contacted. No phone calls, please. That means you can stop calling anytime now, Mr. Francis.
Furthermore, I think Peter Loubardias should be fired.
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