Welcome to the Game Day Fire Drill, for this, Calgary’s seventh game of the season on Oct. 13, 2009.

I’ve had a lot of terrible things happen to me in my life.

And I don’t think any of it left me as heartbroken and disappointed as last night’s game. I didn’t take it well. I mean, I was actually laughing hysterically by the time the fourth and fifth goals rolled around. What wasn’t to love? And then I got the painful reminder that we’re all doomed to die alone and joyless. I mean, SIX GOALS? IN A ROW? Jesus. How does anyone rebound from that? 

Funny story though: my first year of college, my school’s hockey team was pretty good. And they were playing this one team that was one of the worst in the entire NCAA. So like halfway through the game they’re up 4-0, and this senior that played almost every night but had literally never scored a goal taps the puck in on a goalmouth scrum. We joked that this SURELY was a sign of the apocalypse. And indeed, my school lost that game 6-5 in regulation. I never thought I’d have to deal with something like that again. Here we are, though.

Hopefully the Flames come out guns blazing and take someone’s head off at the slightest provocation. And then they score five goals in nine minutes. And then they DON’T GIVE UP SIX. Somehow I feel like getting the loser point was a worse way to lose this one.

Those idiots.

The Calgary Flames (4-1-1 for nine points. First in the West, first in the Northwest) and the Columbus Blue Jackets (3-1-0 for six points. Seventh in the West, second in the Central).

5pm. Mountain time and 7pm Eastern time. All other time zones should creatively weed out spambots.

Nationwide Arena, Columbus, Ohio.

Calgary is 2-0-1 on the road this year, and looks to bounce back from literally the most embarrassing October loss in the history of the National Hockey League. The Blue Jackets are 1-0-0 at home and are just a point out of the lead in the Central with the benefit of a game in hand.

Kristian Huselius — Booooo former Flame.

Mike Commodore — Booooo other former Flame.

Raffi Torres — Boooooo former Oiler (that’s much worse).

Nikita Filatov — Don’t think I’ve forgotten that picking Filatov in a pool last year, only to have you spend almost the entire season in Columbus, cost me like $300. Don’t think that at all.

Sami Pahlsson — Former Blackhawk. Man I hate those guys all of a sudden.

It couldn’t possibly be worse than last night (could it?). Enjoy the game and feel free to yak about where you hid the extra bullets and your noose-length piece of rope.