Welcome to the 23rd Game Day Fire Drill, for this, Calgary’s 71st game of the season on March 20, 2009.

Here’s how bad St. Louis is.

Lewis and Clark get there, right? It’s like 1803. And they get to this city, look out over half a continent of wilderness ahead of them, look behind them and see what was then a bustling metropolis on the fringe of civilization, and they go, “Let’s go see if we don’t get eaten by a bear.”

Yes, St. Louis is a city so deplorable and not worth visiting that literally a couple million square miles of unexplored, uncharted nothingness seemed better than hanging around and having a peek at some of the local tourist attractions. That’s because there are none. The only one worth seeing is the famous Gateway Arch, and that wasn’t built until 1965.

Another problem with St. Louis: It’s disingenuous. The city calls itself America’s “Gateway to the West,” which was fine when you had to travel from Maryland to the Oregon territory in a covered wagon like an animal. But now you can just fly there, and when you look down and see a brown, boring, filthy craphole city on the Mighty Mississippi, you, too, can marvel at the fact that this city was once considered worthy of some amount of praise.

Further inherent dishonesty comes from the very name “Gateway to the West.” Because under the Gateway Arch is a giant museum dedicated to the idea of Manifest Destiny, that is, the USA’s right to expand its size from the Atlantic to the Pacific. Which is all well and good, except that the large portion of this museum is dedicated to the Lewis and Clark expedition, which did not begin in St. Louis. Not even close, actually. I cracked open my copy of the complete journals of Lewis and Clark because I’d forgotten where exactly they did set out from; turns out it was Pittsburgh.

To wit, here is Meriwether Lewis’ first entry:

“Left Pittsburgh this day at 11 o’clock with a party of 11 hands 7 of which are soldiers, a pilot and three young men on trial they having proposed to go with me throughout the voyage.”

Don’t see the Penguins bragging.

The Calgary Flames (41-23-6 for 88 points. Third in the West, first in the Northwest) and the St. Louis Blues (32-30-9 for 73 points. Twelfth in the West, fifth in the Central)

7 p.m. Mountain time and 9 p.m. Eastern time. All other time zones should .

Pengrowth Saddledome, Calgary, Alberta.

Calgary is 23-8-4 at home this year, is 4-1-1 in its last six at the Saddledome, and just handed it to the Stars in their last go on Wednesday. The Stars are an horrific 13-17-4 away from home and are 0-2-1 in their last three road games.

The City of St. Louis — I have been to St. Louis twice in my life. Both times it struck me as an awful, awful city. The first time I went, I walked from my hotel down to the rink, which is just outside of the downtown area. I passed maybe four people. On a Saturday afternoon at 5 p.m. And two of them were homeless. I am not making this up. Once you’ve seen the Arch and maybe Albert Pujols play baseball, you have seen everything there is to see in that dreadful burgh.

Keith Tkachuk — If you’re going to the game tonight, make sure you get to the Saddledome nice and early, or else there will be no food left at the concession stands for you to enjoy. That fat son of a bitch. And since he’s a Massachusetts boy, let me fill you in about his hometown of Melrose. It stinks almost as much as St. Louis.

Andy Murray — This guy hates any rookie or second-year player on his team. For real. He refuses to give them reasonable ice time, instead turning it over to Jeff Woywitka or someone like that. He refuses to allow them to play with eachother also. It’s a remarkably daft (and unsuccessful) management strategy that has me wondering how he has a job as an NHL coach at all.

Their namesake — There is, of course, a famous blues song called The St. Louis Blues. It’s a very good song. But the funny thing is that it’s about a woman whose husband has been stolen by a wealthy, erudite, controlling St. Louis socialite.

So yes, Brad Boyes, I am sorry that another woman has stolen “your man.” Things are tough all over.

Because this seems like an easy W. Enjoy the game and talk about David Perron’s lack of ice time in the comments section.