Welcome to the 20th Game Day Fire Drill, for this, Calgary’s 68th game of the season on March 12, 2009.

I think the perfect way to bust out of a slump like this, especially when it’s on the road, is to run straight into the second-best team in hockey.

It seems like a PERFECT plan. Because not only will the Flames get so badly decimated by the Red Wings that..

Oh I can’t even do it.

This is going to be an awful, awful game to watch. The Flames have shown no motivation in any situation for three straight games and while a team like New Jersey didn’t make them pay for it as dearly as it could have, the bloodthirsty Detroit Red Wings will.

Detroit has won by FOUR-PLUS goals eight times this season. Four-plus. Eight. That adds up to doom for the Flames if they continue to play the way they have for the last week or so.

More good news: Detroit has lost to Calgary just once since 2007. The goal differential in that time frame.. oh god, it’s plus-15 for the Red Wings. In eight games. An average winning margin of nearly two goals a night.

Oh yes, this is going to go well. Hopefully I’ll be at the bar by the first intermission.

The Calgary Flames (39-22-6 for 84 points. Third in the West, first in the Northwest) and the Detroit Red Wings (44-15-8 for 96 points. Tied for first in the West, first in the Central)

5 p.m. Mountain time and 7 p.m. Eastern time. All other time zones should find their true love.

Joe Louis Arena, Detroit, Michigan.

Calgary is 17-14-7 on the road this year, is 0-fer in its last three games away from the Saddledome and, while it put in a respectable showing against New Jersey on Tuesday, is still playing awful road hockey, especially on special teams. The Red Wings are a fantastic 25-5-3 at home and have won nine of their last 10 there, but have given up 10 goals in their last two home games.

Henrik Zetterberg, Marian Hossa and Pavel Datsyuk — They are all ridiculously good. It’s not fair. Spread some of that talent around, you jerks.

The ghetto —If you thought Rexall Place was in a bad neighborhood (i.e. the greater Edmonton metropolitan area), and Newark was worse, why not head to scenic downtown Detroit? I’ve been there. If you stray from the three square blocks where everything (all the hotels, the baseball stadium, the hockey rink, and the football stadium) is, you will be on the news. Or at least a chalk outline of you will be.

Niklas Lidstrom — I remember when that guy was the best defenseman in the league. Those were good times.

Not Ty Conklin !!! — Him and Jussi Markanen singlehandedly cost Edmonton a Stanley Cup. Hahaha Ty Conklin rules so hard.

Mike Babcock — You think I forget, Babcock? You think I forget what you tried to do to Spider-Man? I have NOT forgotten!

Darren McCarty and Brad Stuart — We all know why.

Chris Osgood — Detroit fans still insist he can turn it around. Even though his save percentage is .878. I’m not making this up.

They’re going to win tonight — Obviously.

Because you’re a glutton for punishment. Enjoy the game and use the comment section as your suicide hotline should any problems arise.